H2O - journey continued into my 30's.

day 2 - Finally a streak. My mind is going bonkers thinking about porn and approach anxiety and all that stuff.

day 1 - 8/30 - 8pm.

 

day 1 - 9/2; 12pm
today is day 2- last night i went out to a bar and club. At the bar I was getting insane attention from super hot girls. At the club i was too a little but. In all cases I acted high and mighty but that was a defense mechanism cause im too shy. I didnt even talk to a single girl. Imagine that! Im the hottest guy at the bar and club and I didnt say anything to anyone. It does make the girl feel bad about herself also. I feel horrible and Im trying to figure out why. Here are my possible reasons.
1.) Fear of rejection
2.) I view women as these unattainable beings who hate men and I have nothing to offer them
3.) They will get bitchy and racist towards me.

I need to figure this out and start chatting up women.

 

day 1 - 1am 9/5/22
Im so done with this. Today I forced one out. Being afraid of what society thinks of me if i'm seen as a creep is not a real problem. Getting branded as a predator is not a real problem. Real problems are those living in handicaps and still manage to live their lives. I was witness to such greatness yesterday and my troubles aren't real troubles at all. Porn amplifies the fear and makes it even more irrational.


day 1 - 6:14pm 9/7/22 - omg, fk this shit. I did it again and then regret it after the fact.

 

day 1 - 4pm. 9/11/22

 

day 1 - 9/15/22 12:37am

day 1 - 9/19/22 11:10am
back on the horse after this relapse.

 

day 1 - 11:34pm 9/20
quick updates: still at this bullshit thrill seeking.
But the biggest update of all is last friday I approached multiple girls, finally!!!
Porn warps my mind from wanting real women, I don't feel much of a drive.

 

day 2 -
finally holy shit. And only because i was able to thwart the cravings to see escort ads and because i was too full from eating food.

day 1 - 12pm 9/22/22

 

day 1 - 3pm
my fear of rejection is very enormous. Its at the heart of all my problems with women. I need this gone!

 

day 1 9/26/22 - 7pm monday

 

thought: why do I think clearly and more confident with/around women when im on a streak? Its because there is no tug of war between cravings and inhibiting the cravings. The cravings are very less so the mind doesnt need to expend mental energy to abate it. Thus, using that mental potential to focus on other things like real women.

 

I agree, I also think not having that option of easy release via porn makes you naturally more drawn to women, so all that sexual energy flow is looking for another way to go.

 

Yes but...There is a big BUT. Simply abstaining from porn will not make a person get more confident to talk to women, it has not worked for me. There will be that fear of rejection leading back to porn. Gotta work on the personal development, get over the fear or rejection AND ACTUALLY approach and talk to girls. That sensitization will fix it completely.

 

day 2 -
Finally!!! I am the master of my domain. I peeked a little here and there but I triumphed at the end. The motor is still running in the background operating to get me to peek some more but only because I power it. Stopping that motor is the true test. The cravings come with a tremendous offer of immense pleasure that is hard to reject. It tells me if I don't do it I am missing out. Therefore, there is a fear of missing out. As a result, there requires confidence to defiantly reject this notion that I am missing out. Act against the well up of desire. To take a stand for confidence and courage which are things I desperately need but lose when I PMO.

 

For me it helps a lot with my interactions with women. Walking with head held high, better eye contact and generally get a rush from communicating with others is very helpful to me.
I was never one to go to random girls with some pick up line, I only have conversations with a purpose. I hate small talk.
I also can recommend online dating if you're shy in approaching. However online dating is usually a very frustrating process, but eventually you only need to suceed once.

 

day 4 -
Checking in! The cravings are a bit more manageable. Im so tited today. But im thinking of going to a strip club later tonight to rewire with real women. My thought process is if when I feel the cravings I implement a "scratch" on that itch to real women, I will feel more inclined to meet real life women. Thus, abating the mental connection between my mind and porn. Hence, cravings will subside and become non-existent. Idk how true this is but only 1 way to find out.

 

day 4 still, im wfh and i peeked like crazy.
The chaser effect is in the background. Fking hate that I peeked but I honestly got no satisfaction from it. I have to set my eyes and attention plus brain capacity to real life women. Feel the fear and do it anyways! Yesterday I set an example for myself. I was in a work call with like 100 ppl and I wanted to ask a question. But, so many people I got nervous. My heart was beating out of my chest. Then I thought feel the fear and do it because of it. And, I was so courageous as a result. Its all inside me, i'm perfect as i am. I don't have to worry about "if im not good enough", "if ill know what to do", "if Ill know what to say", "how ill look when i'm talking to her", "if ill embarrass myself", "if ill make it awkward", "if she will reject me", "if she will get angry at me", "if she will get creeped out". Nope, i'm perfect as I am and i'll do a damn good job i just have to do it despite the nervousness, the fear, the awkwardness, etc. In short, I have to believe I am enough!

 

Kudos, 99% of people wouldn't have had the courage to do it!

 

Day 5 - almost day 6!
I did peek once! But I stopped myself. Time to go to the gym and then moms house and chill there. Do some work work tho.

 

Day 9 - almost day 10.
Im having serious cravings. I peeked at escort ads and called one up. Now its a tug of war whether to go or not. She's pretty special. But she is an escort. I need to focus on real women who arent.

 

day 10 - i peeked alot just now but nothing crazy. I didnt see the escort. Im hanging touch to this. I figured w=even when i have sex with an escort in a streak i still relapse. The best thing to do is learn to give it up and live life without.