H2O - journey continued into my 30's.

Ive been an active member in this forums a while back. Things did not get better since then but it got worse. And, the reason is simple. I am extremely shy, I think low of myself, ive been conditioned by culture and religion to abstain from women.

A while back I was spending money on seeing women, 1 or 2 women a week and it helped me not even think of porn. I learned that the whole reason I have this addiction is because I don't do anything to get women.
Dating apps are a dumpster fire especially in NYC where I live. Its a gigantic sausage party full of guys who use photoshop and other tools, and girls who are as vapid as they come.

My silver linings are at:
1.). work

2.). Bars

3.) Clubs

This girl thing is driving me nuts. More specifically my lack of confidence. I know that once I get that stroke of confidence I will end this addiction and be successful and happy in life. I just dont know what im doing.

Im gonna continue here. This forum has been the most consistent.

 

day 2 - The last time I PMO'd was 5pm 9/27/21. So thankful I got to day 2. Today was a battle and I watched some porn vids and some escort ads. The root cause is my fear of women and talking to women irl. This is why I default to porn and escort ads. I need to start talking to girls everywhere.

Did not last long.

Relapse: 9/29. 2:59 am wednesday
Wow, the power of the cravings are crazy strong.

 

You still coming here, buddy? Don't give up. You started well.

 

thanks man.

Last restart: 10/8/21 10pm friday night

Day 1 -
I am starting to wake up early now that I am going back into work. I am waking up early even on weekends which is a huge plus and it gives me time and focus.

I am still failing over and over again and thats because I am not taking any action with regards to women. And, why am I not? So many things, low self-esteem, public social taboo to approach a woman in the public, shyness, family/cultural upbringing, etc.

But, the ONLY thing I have going for me is I get a lot of female attention. Heck even when im sitting down in the starbucks now as i'm typing this I notice some reactions. Strong ones. One girl in particular is literally sitting 10 ft away from me fixing her hair and walks up right in front of telegraphing interest. What did I do? I looked away and focused on my laptop.

What I need to do is be more bold. I have been working on maintaining eye contact. I just feel like If I walked over to her and asked for her number, I will probably be seen as wierd and be rejected. So, not only am I not holding eye contact, I also have this crazy immense fear of rejection and being seen as a wierdo as if if I approached her I would be cancelled by the whole neighborhood.
How the hell do I get over such a dumb mental stagnation? Well I am going to seek out some therapy. Im gonna apply today.

I also had a really cool dream which is so worth talking about. For some reason logan paul and I started to vlog together some youtube videos and we were doing some crazy wild and fearless shit. I never even think of logan paul so this dream was completely out of the blue. I woke up with the determination to cleanse my mind of the shackles of social judgement. I am free, I was born free and I will remain free despite what feminists say or what religion says.

However, when I am in a regular schedule of pmo'ing I put my shackles back on and the anchor of social stigma weighs me down again and I feel like there is a mental shroud around my head inhibiting me from being free.

Perhaps, learning to unshackle myself is a skill I desperately need to learn.

 

getting the girl is to have fun with another human being and that means talking to her and vibing, I sometimes skip that part because i put my sexual desires first and not the actually talking part with another human being. I wanna go out and start talking to girls. I think it will give me the confidence to approach girls at work also.

 

Once you sort your life in regards to PMO they will show more attraction towards you. And all that "beta vibes" thing will vanish.

You will enter into a new dimension. Ask me how I know the difference...

 

i already get a lot of attention even when im pmo'ing. I just never make a move on a girl.

 

Oh, you will eventually. Look, when your only outlet for sex is the real thing...you WILL pursue it, and then BAM! Good-looking guys live in another reality (had my good days ), your experience will be good to great, and then you'll wonder what the big thing was, after all.

 

thanks bro. You give me hope.

 

Real talk! That's what makes us pursue the opposite sex: the need for...sex. People have fought wars over this; I guarantee you when there's no other way out (that is, porn), you'll go out there guns blazing .

When you're outta something, you gotta do something:

 

day 1 - 1:25 am tuesday 10/12/21

ughhh, i pmod to the most boring porn. it was a mental pull and nothing else.

 

Worst sensation, when you can't even say why you did it, right?

 

yes and no. The no part is the O aka the fix felt great.

day 1 - 12am 10/14
I made it to day 3. Yay. But all fking day I thought of aex, porn, escorts, dommes. I failed to schedule a few sessions. Glad I did. But came home and pmo'd.
Atleast, I made it to day 3. I need to let go.

 

Another relapse. I have no discipline. I have low inhibition. Its like I have nothing to love for, its as if im just alive but not living. Its like I have no purpose. Its also about me being paralyzed about speaking to women, a fear I cant get over, overpowering me and keeping me weak.

day 1 - 2:15pm saturday 10/16/21
Im gonna be 32 yrs old soon and I have never even kissed a girl. I am paralyzed by fear, over thinking, low self esteem before I even break the ice. If I can get over this 1 hump, just 1. I think I would be extremely successful.

On one hand I am okay with being a loser, on the other I am not. But, I don't do anything about it. Chasing/Approaching after women is something that does not compute in my mind. Its as if I am conditioned to just be a voyeur and only have women in my fantasies. Its also because I do not think women have sex drives and a sexual identity. I was brought up with that dangerous idea. Thus, It makes me feel like no women would enjoy me talking to them.

Mentally, I am fucked up but I am not fucked up beyond repair. I truly believe I can get over this but I need some insight and guidance.

 

H2O,
overthinking is the operative word here, my brother. i try to analyze, overthink,plan, and predict the outcome before i attempt to do anything. this is paralysis by analysis. action is the remedy. any kind of action. talk to a girl. any girl. at the checkout counter, on the street just say hi. on the bus. in the checkout line at walmart. it doesn't matter if they respond or not. it's the action. the practice. you're not asking them to marry you, you're just saying hi. practice. action. this will get you out of your shell. a little at a time. good luck. rooting for you.

 

Listen to what @badger said. Say 1-2 extra words to the cashier, compliment a nice old lady if that's too much to ask. Then go from there.

You are NOT compromised beyond repair, in any way, shape or form. And you will be just fine and you'll be surprised how easy it was. I'm saying this like a guy that still has problems in the area, but that realized (cheesy, I know) that when you smile at the world around you, most of the times it smiles back at you.

 

day 1 - 2:30pm friday 10/22

alot of replyies an observations coming.

day 1 - 4:12am sunday 10/24

 

Like your motto: "no love, no sex". Yeah, let's keep'em together...this means cleaning up our act, and not accepting surrogates.

 

day 1 - 11/1. 11:57pm

day 1 - 11/3. 8:41pm

day 1 - 11/7 3:10pm
^--- no more i quit today.

day 1 - 11/11 12:14pm thursday

day 1 - 11/16 10:39 am tuesday

 

day 1 - 11/17/21 12:12am wednesday

wtf is wrong with me? I just jacked it to fantasizing me fucking some woman on screen. I was cognizant of it but i kept on it because I wanted to feel the orgasm.
Im 32 yrs old and im fking in desperate need of finding a girl and im currently not doing anything about it. I still don't know how to approach.

One new thing I am doing is going to alot of dance classes. It will give me the chance to meet many different people. So far I am off to a very good start. I just have to keep go past my comfort zone and doing new things so that I can gain new things.