Growth

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by weallgrow, Jul 8, 2019.

  1. weallgrow

    weallgrow New Member

    Hey all,

    This feels really weird typing this out, I am not gonna lie, but it's for the best.

    The start:
    I had started jerking off I am pretty sure by the age of like 12, but I could not exactly tell you. I never ever viewed it as a bad thing, it was only fun like come on, its just porn right? (Hahah ya suuure look where I am at now.) Throughout my teenage years, mainly starting off at the age of like 13, I started to becoming actually sexually interested in girls around me, and not just on a screen. Even though I never had sex at that age, as cool as that would be to say, I just always had an erection when I was kissing a girl, but not every girl if that makes sense. Looking back now, I only got, and get, hard for girls I actually really wanted to hook up with, not just cause I could hook up with them, but I will get back to that eventually. As the years went on, I continued to masterbate using porn, but I also continued to hook up with girls and even got to the point where I was getting blowjobs from them (crazy, I know). Then eventually, I got out of my single stage, and that's when I met my first serious girlfriend. When I mean serious, I mean the first girl I truly fell in love with. Before that though, we started to talk casually as friends but we both knew there was some sexual attraction between us. The first time I hooked up with her, I was EASILY able to get hard. We hooked up more, and then the first time we tried to have sex, I couldn't get hard. I look back and I am pretty sure that was just me being all nervous cause it as my first time. After that first time, I never had trouble getting hard with her again.

    The beginning of the unknown misery:
    My girl and I broke up about 2 years later cause of just life. And I was MADLY in love with this girl, but shit happens and people part. After her, it was just hard (no pun intended) to be with other girls. I tried to move on and get with other girls but she was on my mind, and I would not be able to get hard. I would get so fucking mad at myself because I would blow opportunities that I would have done ANYTHING for in the past. So I started to get real fucking mad at myself. So, I thought my ED was just because of my ex. I blamed it on my 'deep love' for her that I could never lose, but as time went on, I started to question that. BTW, throughout this whole time, and ESPECIALLY after breaking up with my girlfriend, I started to watch porn a bunch. Like come on, I went from having sex basically everyday to none at all, and I couldn't even get hard with other girls? So I said fuck it and just started using porn a bunch. Shit, was that a bad decision. As time went on, I continued to watch porn, was not able to get hard with girls, and just started to get obliterated drunk cause you know maybe that'd help me get out of my head. Oh man, what another bad decision. I then went to uni, where I thought shit would change. New school, new people, new penis! Nope, not the case. The ED continued, and then that fuck me up for a while cause then I wouldn't even try for girls! But guess what! Porn was always there for me! Oh, fuck you porn (again no pun intended).

    Realization:
    I then realized that this was becoming a fucking issue, especially because I knew I could get girls, but I just was so nervous about it. I decided that I wasn't going to hold myself and I was just going to brute force my way through this, so I got a girlfriend. She was sweet, cute, and easy to talk to but I knew it was just a fling, I did it to see if I could get by it on my own. We tried to have sex prob around 10 times, and everytime I was able to get hard in the beginning, but then once I was about to put it in or knew I was going to have sex, I would get soft, which sucked. I even tried Viagra and it didn't work! I ended up just getting a weird ass allergic reaction to it, but I didn't even get hard at all. That was a waste of 40 bucks. She felt it as all her fault and would get upset by it, but I made her know it was not her fault but mine, but never truly why it was my fault cause I was too embarrassed to admit it, I had ED. I broke up with her for my own sake, and then continued on my self pity, but guess who was there? Yup your right, porn! I started to just stop giving a fuck and thought, "time will take care of this, it does not matter." Oh boy was I wrong.

    End of misery, beginning of some hope:
    Months went on, summer came and went, and I realized only I am going to fix this. So I tried to pick myself up by my bootstraps and get help, I started to see a psychologist. After time, we both realized that it was performance anxiety and that it will just take time to overcome this. So I quit masterbating and porn, but this only lasted for a couple weeks if that. Though I had a new sense of hope. Because of other shit and once again life, I left the school I was at to pursue a different career and in between the transition, I wanted to travel the world for a bit. I would like to briefly state, I am extremely grateful for the having the opportunity to do this. But back to the point, while I was on my trip, I quit porn. Well, kinda forced to quit. I was in hostels and sharing rooms with a bunch of other people, when would I even have a chance to do that, but that would just be weird af. I did jerk off a couple times when I had my own private bathroom without porn, but to be honest, I would be at a semi most of time until right before I was about to climax, then i would be fucking rock hard. But it was at the end, I knew this was a problem, but like everything else in the past, I shrugged it off. Throughout this month of traveling and no porn, I got my confidence back with girls and was really just living again. I hooked up with a couple girls on the trip, and while hooking up with them, I would get a semi and I would be fuckin ecstatic! However, I tried to have sex with one and I then could not get hard, which really really sucked. But I was getting better, right? Now I am back, and guess what I did? Yup, started using porn again. But now it was different.

    Enough is enough:
    I would jerk off and straight up would be on the verge of climaxing when i had maybe a 50% semi (without porn), like what the fuck. This had never happened in my life, ever. I thought maybe going a month with no porn and only a few times of jerking off would help, but it really just made it worse. And I felt even worse when I did it. The only way I would get a really erection was through porn, and I wouldn't even last that long. I would get so fucking mad at myself, but I just said fuck it and went back to porn anyway. Then it all change for me after I saw the Tedx talk with Gary Wilson (if you haven't watched it, do yourself the favor). After that video, I never really realized that it was all fucking porn. It was not social anxiety, it wasn't performance anxiety, it was not any internal organ issue, it was not my first love, it just simply was porn man. Porn has been fucking me up for years, and I just let myself get so consumed by it. The very answer to my sexual misery was because of MY own doing. I do not even blame porn, I blame myself for letting myself get to this point cause of my usage of porn.

    So on July 5, 2019, I vowed to quit porn and masterbating. I do not know for how long, and maybe I should pick a day, but at this point I just knew I needed to quit. I needed a neurological reboot.

    Shit has been tough, I am not gonna lie, and I know it is only getting harder but I will grow, as many of you guys have, and are trying to do. So together, I hope, we can get through this shitty hump in our lives and be the 20-24 year olds we could be!

    For anybody that has even read this far, I appreciate it really. This is the first time I have come completely clean about this, ever. And that's the first step right? Attempting your faults and learning from them. That is what I think at least.

    If any of you have any advice or even good articles/books/talks to help me with this journey that would be sweet. Or you could just do nothing, and I mean it, sharing this with you all is the biggest step I have made in a while, and I feel pretty good about it.

    Thanks again for the time, and I'll be updating this from time to time to share my self-growth journey.

    Cheers!
     
  2. doanl

    doanl Member

    Welcome on board weallgrow.

    I don't think I'm the most suited in giving any advice, but a lot of good ones are shattered all around the forum. It is plenty of good experience to get motivation from and bad ones to learn from.

    The main articles about porn induced ED you would be interested in are collected in this thread.
    This is like the extended version of Gary Wilson's talk. I don't think there is something you didn't already listened in the short TEDx talk, but the pace is way more relaxed, as he is not constrained by the fifteen minutes of the stage.
    I don't know if it is obvious, but YBOP is out there, and is full of interesting articles, even if sometimes it feels like a disorienting maze.

    Have a nice time, and good luck!
     

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