Grow some BALLS: The Rise of Man Manningston

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Apeman, Apr 10, 2013.

  1. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Day 15

    Hell of a day.

    My alarm hauled me from the clutches of the Ghost of Exes Past.
    You know how sometimes you're walking around, minding your own business, when suddenly you remember what an idiot you were years ago?
    Well that was this dream. A rundown of how dumb I was. A reminder of a relationship that could have been.

    I remained in a funk for the remainder of the day.
    At my job, I found myself with total Glass Door Syndrome: Completely separated from everyone around me, unable to even look most people in the FACE.
    This isn't like me.
    ... But it is a lot like how I used to be. Back in college, before I heard of the Great Porn Experiment.

    Today I was reminded of the past I'm leaving behind.

    Maybe it's all those disused addictive pathways in my brain fighting back. Begging for attention.

    They must be starving. Good. I'm done feeding them.

    My body is ready. COMMENCE AWESOME.
  2. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Hey mate, I think that your strategy will help you reaching your final goal. From my experience I can say it will get easier to stay away, since you start to figure out what dangerous situations are. I had the same weird anxious attacks in the beginning of my reboot, things will start to look up soon. Best of luck!
  3. Sexual-healing

    Sexual-healing Face it, to overcome it.

    This is EXACTLY what happens to me from time to time. Overall I'm doing good but sometimes I'm suddenly reminded of how my life could have been if I didn't have this addiction. I would be so much further in life, I would probably already have a relationship, I would have graduated earlier, my social skills would be a lot better, my fitness would be awesome etc etc

    It sucks but will just have to think about the fact that we're actually taking our lives back now and we should be proud that we didn't go on looking at porn for another few years.
  4. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Shitfuckpiss. :mad:

    That's the feel of a relapse.
    How did this happen? Well, I was alone and tired at home, and refused to listen to my own warnings as I approached the danger zone.

    No binge. Back on the horse.
  5. vonprism

    vonprism New Member

    Make it both of us... :mad:
  6. Sellotape

    Sellotape Member

    Unlucky man. Head up though, keep going and try to learn something from it. Your journals got some good stuff for you to look through and stay motivated.
  7. Sexual-healing

    Sexual-healing Face it, to overcome it.

    Learn from your mistakes.

    Now you know you should avoid your computer when you're alone and tired.

    Focus man! You can do this!
  8. KingCooper

    KingCooper New Member

    Sorry about your relapse man.

    MAKE SURE you actually DO get straight back on the horse!
  9. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    I second that. Keep it up. No binge is good. In the long term you are in a good shape. I understand everything else is messed up and it puts you under pressure and everything, but don't let it get to your head. Do things you haven't done before, change your lifestyle. Trust the process. It can only get better.
  10. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    If had earned a dollar for every time I relapsed, I'd have a castle. Made of dollars.

    It's really not a big deal if you manage to keep it to a one time thing. Take it as a gentleman and carry on, my friend.
  11. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Day 1, take 2

    In reality, it's Day 1, take... 10, maybe? Not bad for 11 months in, especially since I probably averaged twice a day back before I discovered all this jazz. My usage has decreased dramatically in the grand scheme of things. So that's something.

    Disclaimer: I am smashed on expensive beer. Do not mistake my drunken rumblings for well-reasoned thought.

    Day 1. Such a shitty day if you let yourself think about it. You're as close to nowhere as you can get, so the urge to put this Nofap business off until tomorrow is strong.

    But I made it.

    To be fair, I was sure I was headed for a relapse earlier today. I had basically surrendered myself to it. But I made myself delay relapsing just long enough to smoke a bowl. This proved a wonderful tactic, as I quickly became distracted by... Something or other... Long enough that I had to rush off to an obligation before I had time to succumb to the siren song of porn.

    Which makes me realize that I don't have to fight a grand battle over To Porn or Not To Porn every time I feel a craving. If I can delay myself for maybe 15 minutes, the brunt of the urge will dissipate.

    Perhaps I can save myself from relapse in the future by declaring a Rule: before fapping, I must meditate for 15 minutes.

    Really, I can do anything, as long as it takes a little time. The point learned today was that The urge to fap has an extremely limited lifespan. By holding off for even 15 minutes, I can bypass the cravings.

    And that's what I learned today.
  12. Sexual-healing

    Sexual-healing Face it, to overcome it.

    I experienced that as well back in the days I still PMO'd.

    Always keep this in mind cause it's a good one!
  13. hytsu

    hytsu New Member

    The very good thing here is that you actually learnt things from your relapse!!! That's the only thing that might make relapsing worth it.

    Keep it up man, you can do it!
  14. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    The shitstorm is always at its worst at the beginning. Just don't fall for "might as well restart tommow" and all the crap our brains try to get us into. Keep the show on the road.
  15. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Day 1, Take 3

    Unbelievable. Simply staggering.

    I saw "The Great Porn Experiment" 11 months ago. I decided then and there to quit porn. The general consensus was that rebooting would take around 90 days.

    I never thought I'd still be wrestling with this nearly a year later. My scumbag brain would have me believe that this means I have made no progress and am therefore unable to quit and should just go back to porning off willy-nilly.

    Forget that. I don't lose until I give up, and I'm not gonna. I refuse to be beaten.

    Two days ago I got a new computer. I installed a K9 web filter on it, and have been adjusting the controls over the last 48 hours. Today, satisfied with my settings, I turned administrative control over to my father. His password, his email. I now have no way through the filter. So now I'm not going on pure willpower, which inevitably wanes.

    He asked what the filter was for. I told him I wanted to make my computer incapable of viewing porn. He laughed and seemed confused. He must think I'm messing with him.

    Two and a half years ago, I started working out. Today, I'm fitter than I have ever been, and I owe a lot of it to the goal I laid out when I started. It was a mental image, no more than a fantasy: I imagined what it would be like to run into my ex and her new boyfriend after I had become fucking ripped. This image drove me to the gym every other day for years, and now I'm immensely grateful that I stuck it out.

    It's worth noting that this scenario has never come to pass. Not even close. I haven't seen that girl in nearly three years. But it doesn't matter, because I got fucking fit anyway. This proved to be it's own reward and then some.

    I need an image to keep in my head, an ideal to strive for... a vivid snapshot to call upon when my will is weak, to induce me to press on...

    The Vision
    It's the 4th of July. The entirety of my hometown has gathered in City Park to drink and revel until long after the sun has gone down.
    And there I am in the midst of it all, fully calm, collected, cool, and comfortable. Why? Because 2 days prior, I broke my all-time porn-free record of 66 days.

    And as I'm celebrating and mingling with people I haven't seen since high school, BAM. There she is with some dude. And instead of hiding and lurking and sulking like I might have done a billion years ago, I saunter over to say hello and meet the New Guy and catch up with the Old Girl. I am a perfect gentleman the whole time. Why? Because I'm the goddamn Man. My brain is fully back under my control, and I am fully, gloriously unfaze-able.

    Maybe I see anxiety in his face. Maybe I see in her eyes that she senses I'm more than the kid she once knew. Maybe not. I doesn't matter either way, because I wish them well- and mean it- and move on.
    To the next great adventure.
  16. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    *Note: I realize that this vision is essentially the same as the vision that drove me to cultivate a gym habit. Maybe I'm just not that creative.
    Fact is, I've turned the memory of this girl into a potent source of motivation once, and I can do it again.
  17. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Remember that the only way out of the chaser effect is through it. Gotta resist for the ridiculously hard two weeks before you can breathe again.
  18. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    While this vision is nice, think about where it touches upon in the recesses of your thought, past the surface.

    Why do you really have this vision? Who is the NewGuy and the OldGirl? Why do you think of the OldGirl? Why does she have to be with a NewGuy?

    Why must you see anxiety in him? Why must you wish them well?

    Think back to what pushed you to mistakenly let your mind wander just 30 hours ago, does part of that stem from thoughts of wanting a relationship or intimacy with a woman yet you did not at the moment? Be mindful of these feelings.
  19. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    @Cid: Tell me about it. For me, weeks 1-3 are the toughest, with the difficulty consistently spiking right around days 20-21. I have caved so many times right in this tiny window. It helps that I know this, though. It means I can take extra care to avoid temptation on those days.

    @Jp: I've been thinking about... well, my thinking. Thanks for prompting this meta-thinking.
    I'm being haunted by this girl. Hell, it's not even her. By now, it's probably some distorted version of a memory of an idealization. I guess I've got this vision, this fantasy, because I want to let her go. I want to say "I had a good time with you. I hope you have a good life. Goodbye," and leave her behind.
  20. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    Good you have a start on this, I have had a somewhat similar problem during my reboot. But remember my other questions.

    I think the most important one is: During this vision, why is it necessary this NewGuy is inferior to you? Why must he be anxious and almost threatened?

    There is an answer to this, and I am positive I know what it is. Delve deep into this vision Apeman, and it is likely you'll find out a plethora of reasons as to "why" you PMO. This is much better than simply stopping PMO, as addressing the root problems is the permanent solution.

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