Grow some BALLS: The Rise of Man Manningston

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Apeman, Apr 10, 2013.

  1. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    My story is not unique.

    I started my porn habit when I was about 13. I'm 23. For a decade, I logged daily hours hunting the infinite, expanding Net for the Ideal Scene (the Big Lie at the center of my addiction). My brain was undoubtably warped by all this binge use during my brain's most plastic years, and I can never fix it completely.

    But I can take steps to reverse some of the damage. I can- I WILL reclaim my brain.

    The ravages of my addiction are not unique. I became socially anxious and isolated myself, all while envying those who socialized. I masked my insecurities with a fragile veneer of cockiness, and somehow found myself dating a beautiful girl at the end of high school.

    It was in this first relationship that I discovered I suffered from DE. Looking back, I suppose it's better than PE or ED. But I just could not come unless I was jerking myself off. So trained had I become to expect my hand.

    I don't think she ever got over not being able to make me cum. She thought I didn't find her sexy, something I assured her was ludicrous. nevertheless, my DE sucked the vitality out of our sex life, and 6 agonizing months later, a good relationship ended.

    It was not the last relationship to be killed by my porn habit.

    In college, I withdrew further into the cybersex jungle. When people went out, I stayed in. I got a little better about socializing in my upperclassman years, but my whole college experience boils down to 3 things: beer pong, masturbation, and missed sexual opportunities.

    And oh boy did I miss every opportunity that came my way. My confidence was nonexistent. I remember making out with a girl who whispered in my ear "you're hot, you just don't know it." I sabatoged every relationship I might have had. After all, porn was easier.

    All the while, I tried not to think about how little... Agency.... I seemed to have over my own life. In the presence of women, a glass wall seemed to separate me from taking any kind of action. I watched myself live a boring life because I was too afraid to change anything. Why take the risk? Porn was easier.

    I graduated in the Spring of 2012. A week later, I saw Gary Wilson's TED talk.

    I've been trying to quit ever since.

    I have come to believe in the power of disengaging from the super-stimulus of Internet porn. I have noticed that I just feel better the longer it's been since I jacked off. But my porn addiction is deeply etched into my neural circuitry, and has not elected to go quietly.

    So I'm here. I'm here to log my experiences as I kick this emasculating habit. I am ditching the cybersexual lifestyle. I want to know what I'm like without porn.
  2. Sammy3000

    Sammy3000 We are no longer the hollow men

    Re: BALLS: The Rise of Man Manningston

    Your story is damn similar to mine man. Welcome to the Community.

    We're going to win this battle.
  3. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: BALLS: The Rise of Man Manningston

    :eek: Oorah my brother. Hellyeah
  4. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: BALLS: The Rise of Man Manningston

    Today marks day 10 of my current streak. I have decided to break down the big goal of "quit porn forever" down into manageable chunks. 10-day chunks, to be precise.

    My thinking is that 10 days is not a huge deal, but it IS a decent chunk of time. In this way, it'll only take 15 runs through the "10-day challenge" to get me to 150 days porn-free. That, to me, sounds way more doable than "I have to go through 20 weeks without looking at porn."

    It's all a matter of perspective.
  5. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Day 11

    I drank too much last night, and woke up at 4 in the afternoon.

    Not a good start to any kind of productive day.

    I cut through the mental fog by cooking breakfast (or perhaps an early dinner) and writing this post. Though I'm home alone, cravings are mercifully low.

    I think an easy reboot requires concrete reasons for change. It takes a future to look forward to.
    My reason is clear: I must know what I am without the brain-warping influence of porn. This reboot is an experiment in self-discovery.

    This reboot is also about becoming a man. Growing some BALLS, in other words. In my porn-filled past, I made a daily habit of ensuring my balls were nearly empty at all times. I suffered accordingly, wondering all the while why I couldn't summon the will to live the life I wanted.

    The life I want requires balls. Guts. Gumption. Whatever you want to call it.

    So I'm rebooting one day at a time, letting my energy grow until it becomes a fire within.

    I'm going to be a goddamn man. Think James Bond: a complete gentleman; unflappably cool, calm, and collected; and ruthlessly determined to complete his mission.

    That's what I'm after. I won't give up until I achieve my goal.
  6. hisgaylover

    hisgaylover Be a man! Do the right thing!

    Good good someone around the time I've been on no pmo. btw what happened to your 66 days streak? how did you feel after that long of a time (impressive from my view!)
  7. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    My 66 day streak lasted from late July 2012 to the start of October. I had been keeping a pen & paper journal at the time, and I still look back on the entries from that period for clues to how I lasted so long.
    My takeaway:
    -I read a TON.
    -I was focused on the task of preparing applications for grad schools, a mission that allowed me to devote my attention to something besides "don't jack off"
    -I embraced a "today-oriented" approach: I "built a wall around today," and tried to kick as much ass as I could in that space. When things got tough, I built a wall around this moment and abided. No moment is unbearable.

    And all the while, I was writing with such a sense of HAPPINESS, and of HOPE FOR THE FUTURE that it gives me hope to look back at those entries now.
    Needless to say, the goal is to get back to that point, then venture beyond it.
  8. hisgaylover

    hisgaylover Be a man! Do the right thing!

    Cool cool. I think that a journal is always a good thing to have! Having something help you organize and reflect on your thoughts throughout the days sounds like self-help to me!
  9. all_good

    all_good New Member

    Intro very well written, good luck on your streak bro!
  10. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Day 12

    Close call.

    I was mindlessly browsing the net (mistake #1) when I saw some news article on people ditching Facebook for reddit and 4chan. Having not been on 4chan in years, I found myself what wondering what was going on over there. I decided to check it out (mistake #2).

    Big mistake. I don't know what I was expecting. That place is a goddamn porn hive.

    My hand instinctively found my dick, but I caught myself before my frontal cortex shut down entirely.

    I got the fuck out of there.

    This is my last streak. This is the one that breaks my addiction. I will look like a big idiot if I fail this time. I'm going all the way.

    But though I know I will succeed, I won't grow complacent. Today served as a wake-up call, and for that I'm grateful.

    Now to hit the gym.
  11. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Props for backing off before it went wrong. Haven't done it myself more than once or twice.

    It takes some time before we deconstruct the habit of giving in to curiosity. Also, don't put that much pressure over yourself. Take it easy, man.
  12. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    I know, I'm pretty intense about breaking the habit. It's because I have been fighting this addiction for nearly 11 months now, so I am intent on making this streak count.

    You're right, of course. Thinking about not fapping is still focusing on fapping. I will be better served by pursuing goals unrelated to porn. Filling my time with music, fitness, etc.

    Getting off this forum would be a good start for me.

    Thanks for your words of support, Cid. Together, we've got this.
  13. Sexual-healing

    Sexual-healing Face it, to overcome it.

    Always learn from your mistakes. This process isn't going to be lineair. It'll always have it's ups and downs but let the trend go up as you move further.

    What CidGuerreiro said is right. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. I made that mistake as well. For example I wanted not to fantasize about sex so bad that I continued to think about it all the time. Now I'm just trying to clear my mind and calm down. Now I've got my fantasies under control.

    But don't lose your focus!

    You can do this man. I wish you the best of luck!
  14. Sellotape

    Sellotape Member

    Yeh I agree, I put way too much pressure on myself in the past and its definitely had a detrimental effect on my progress. You have to find the balance between keeping an eye on your addiction, but not getting obsessed with it. Sounds like you have a pretty good balance with work, exercise etc. already though. Keep it up man.
  15. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Yeah, I've been fighting MO addiction lately, and I wanted to stop fapping and beat my old 83-day streak so bad, I still kept thinking about fapping! I'm learning from their mistake, now...
  16. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Thanks all for your words of encouragement. Big thanks to

    Modern Man, and

    Sexual-healing for advising me to relax.

    I got in touch with Jp91 ( because I was looking for advice. He dropped a bomb on me.
    He said I could expect to battle cravings for a YEAR.
    Strangely, this had the effect of dramatically calming me down. After all, if I'm going to be porn-free for a year or more, it's ludicrous to be stressing in these early days. In fact, it's ludicrous to stress at all. After all, what's one fap free day to a year of abstinence?
    Nothing at all.

    So thank you Jp91. I'm riding easy now. I'm in it for the long haul, and I can't wait to see what happens.

    8) this is me being cool as a cucumber and fully relaxed.
  17. KingCooper

    KingCooper New Member

    Awesome man congrats on the 14 days. Can't wait to reach that milestone myself.
  18. Sexual-healing

    Sexual-healing Face it, to overcome it.

    No thanks bro, I got your back :)

    Very good to see you have the right mindset to continue this reboot.

    Also congratulations on the 2 weeks!
  19. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    14 days, that's where it starts getting awesome. Keep going!
  20. fugu

    fugu "You know, feelin' good, livin' betta." :) Staff Member

    Agreed! Well done! Man Manningston gave me a laugh, btw ;D

Share This Page