Graying pelts, worn and discarded - my continuing year plus life struggle

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by darkwolf, Jun 23, 2014.

  1. darkwolf

    darkwolf New Member

    It's looking like it's gonna be a very lonesome, but not loneLY, New Year's Eve. The truth is, whether it's my fault, their fault, or just something that's happened, my social life has become tougher over the past year, and perhaps I just need to allow that to be as a mature person, somehow outgrown my former "friends."

    I really don't mind much. I'm tired, very tired, from hard work and insomnia which, I'm sad to say, I partially alleviated by a very late foggy MO.

    Still, even this being said, I feel like I have a lot to look forward to in 2015 even with its challenges. I have many of you to thank for helping me stay PMO free for one full year (my only one really) which is the one coming to an end tonight.

    I can't feel too awful with both a raise AND a bonus from my job. But a "bone us" is more like what I need to be after (bad joke, yes, but real) and if I can carry through my plans and responsibilities next year, I may yet get there and heal the breach I've been carrying around for so many years.

    Happy New Year everyone!
  2. Canada2012

    Canada2012 Active Member

    Happy New Year Dw.

    Better be alone than in undesirable company. But beware of just how much you overthink people before you get to know them a little better. Many fun folks out there.
  3. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    Happy New Year!

    Now it's the time to become a hero. To be ready to get out of the comfort zone. Take chances. Risk getting hurt. Being open for new possibilities.

    Sometimes the lone, familiar life, seems like a safe option, as relationships are not for the faint of heart. However, one must consider the future. Is the familiar life really what we want? Why have we been feeling so bad in it? Why have we been doing all this work to alter it?

    There are countless better futures. We only need to uncover one of them.
  4. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    Happy New Year DarkWolf!

    Sorry you were lonely on that evening! Actually, let me be a bit of an ass: no i am not sorry. I think it may be a good reminder for you. That you may want to get out there and do new things/ meet new folks/make new friends (as you mentioned).
    I am curious what you think?

    Regarding insomnia:
    I, myself, have had terrible insomnia lately. I think it is due to no PMO...or actually due to simply omitting PMO while not adding exercising/doing new activities into my life.
    It' s like this:
    i used to jack off to get tired........ but it was a draining, tiring type of activity. Now, sans PMO, I have all this energy and am not tired.........YET nowhere to utilize it. So i cannot get to bed.

    I just read multiple studies on this: exercise = much better sleep and better energy during day. I am starting out my workout routine again!
    Help me out if you have tips: i cannot turn off youtube and go to bed, sometimes till 2 or 3 am on a weekday!

    How much do you exercise?

    3. YOGA
    Why do you go once a week to yoga?
    Why not go to yoga 2 -3 times weekly?
    Why not daily?
    Plus....i cannot imagine a better way to meet chicks than a yoga class ;)))

    Also, the last message you addressed to me was:
    "Lookingforlove, I can transition after your post to updating on my general status these days."
    I am sorry, can you clarify . I don't understand what that means.
  5. darkwolf

    darkwolf New Member

    Sorry it's been too long. I'm not saying that so much for readers as for me; even if I take this messageboard for granted, it does give me opportunities for accountability and reflection I can't really get elsewhere, or at least not all the time.

    Last few weeks have just been a flurry of work, as I knew they would be. 7-days-a-week-type work. Details upon details upon details type work. Money by the sweat of my brow type work. And not much else.

    So, as you might guess, since this is the picture for the foreseeable future (until Spring, basically), inner life and recovery life have suffered to some extent.

    I had a small alarm bell go off to come here and post because the other day, I had one of my semi-regular MOs and noticed not only how lazy it was in terms of setup and allowance for F, but that I think I lasted less than a minute. Unsatisfying in the extreme and on many levels. So, I'm proclaiming here that I am not going to MO again until I'm at a real, physically felt breaking point. And judging by my past behavior, this could be several weeks hence unless I'm undisciplined.

    It's just become too easy, too regular, and it's only helping now on the most basic physical level. There may be no actual external P involved, but that doesn't mean it's completely consequence free either. I have been more erotically charged recently, but I could very easily put this down to a simple motivation to escape from difficult present circumstances.

    @lookingforlove, with my schedule and energy distributions these days, it's simply not possible to engage in all of these old good habits. I wish it weren't so. I am doing a bit here and there to ensure I don't go crazy due to complete suppression of my irrational drives and my basic health, but things are professionally very tight right now.

    I'm sorry you're suffering from insomnia. I've experienced it sometimes too. I think today my tiredness caught up with me and I had to leave the office early actually. I hope that by making my MO more infrequent, I'll get an edge back I may have been missing recently, although I have been mostly effective and accomplishing a lot for my work, at least.

    I dedicated tonight for just me - my own enjoyment and projects. But, when your job starts spilling over into your dreams, that's when you know you're overwhelmed. And to some extent, that's where I definitely am.
  6. Canada2012

    Canada2012 Active Member

    Hi DW,

    Glad that alarm bell is going off in your head. I believe I am starting to understand the following fact: sexuality is habit driven. More MO = more 'psychological' libido. Less MO = more 'physiological' libido.

    I have something to reflect back to you.

    - You have spent a lonesome christmas, explaining how somehow your social life had shrunk.
    - Perhaps your friends are not people you want to hang out with.
    - But here you are already working 7 days a week, willingly setting aside your development.

    Don't you think you might currently be building your next lonesome christmas?

    Now, this may be an unfounded claim. You might have the social life you want. But I sense and gleam from your posts that you don't. So I confront you with this: You need to go out and build the social life you want for yourself and not flee into work and even solitary personal development!

    Sorry if I'm off track. I don't feel at my best right now.
  7. darkwolf

    darkwolf New Member

    Canada, I think you're right. It's just an area where I find so many seeming pieces of "evidence" for hopelessness, apathy and fear. Not to mention the very real fact that I am so busy these days, in actual reality. How to combat this? It'll take active thought and planning.

    This weekend I've decided to be consistent and not MO as I said I would not. It'll be interesting to see what kind of counter-reaction my machine will kick up. Maybe a better one than I'm hoping for...?
  8. Darkwolf, i love you and all. But Canada2012 is right.

    It´s a lot easier to drown yourself in work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week than it is to go out there and face the real painful stuff that eventually brings you what you really want.

    You in debt or something?
  9. Canada2012

    Canada2012 Active Member

    If I may:

    TSNP has couched it in humorous terms the question of why so much work? I'd like to reflect something more back to you

    Even in your answer you talk of 'active thought and planning'. Yes and that's an excellent first step. But my analysis in this situation is you should blunder ahead and learn through experience rather than hone a perfect plan and fail to execute it.

    PW is far far behind at this point and it's you and life.

    Do you want a social life? Build it my friend, build it! I might be ensconced in relationship misery right now but one thing I'm good at is stepping out of myself, trying a new thing, and meeting new friends along the way. I can tell you, it's worth it. Some people you keep, some you don't, but entertaining and social relationships are a great number of related muscles that can be trained as all things.

    Here's a quote from you on june 26th:

    But when you reach 40 and have my kind of past, it's pressure and real fear as companions, and no way around it. Sand through the hourglass, etc. So I have to let things unfold while I live other aspects of my life...

    Here's one from july 16th:

    if this thing falls apart completely, will I have the strength to carry on and not fall back into old stagnant and destructive habits?

    I get from those posts that you have a defensive mechanism of falling back into your shell when facing resistance. Far from me to criticize you for taking care of yourself, significant others, and your work... but I feel it won't give you the impetus to create the results you want.

    So what do you think?

    I know I'm stirring up leaves in your courtyard so take this as a friendly outsider's view.
  10. And if i may also;

    I wrote a lot more in my original post but i deleted most of it because i´m not exactly a perfect example myself these days, and i hate to challenge others while not walking the walk myself.
    i saw the same thing. No real commitment from you DW, your answer was active thought and planning, which is something we all know you are very good at.
    Unfortunately, doing is the only thing that works.

    Now Canada2012 strings together sentences quite more eloquently than my european ass does, so i´ll just second everything he suggests.
    But can you stop for a second and just write down what you are trying to accomplish right now? Im genuinely curious.
  11. darkwolf

    darkwolf New Member

    It's another subject I meant to post about on here, but I'll get to that shortly.

    Thanks Canada and TSNP. Yes, I can only say you're right. What will I do about it. What search and what battle scars. Right now, there are none. I had a few notions but they got pushed into the background.

    Today I took a day for me. That was one small important step. Even a co-worker of mine said I really needed to. Even if I wasn't feeling 100% so had another excuse, it was important for me NOT to do any work one day and take some time for me.


    I came on here to say that since this is the first time in a long time that I'm not MOing for a 2-week and counting span (roughly) I'm getting familiar again with just how unruly that energy can be. It's been a struggle.

    I'm trying to use my signature technique again, and it helps, but there are two other very practical strategies to share; I've shared them before, and am again since I think they're universal.

    1) only be in bed to sleep; MOing is much more likely when you're both horizontal and awake;

    2) if you feel very edgy, and have big E and impulses to MO, see if you need to piss. I frequently discover I need to at those times and the piss-hard-on condition releases a lot of that pressure.
  12. darkwolf

    darkwolf New Member

    This could be the longest gap I've had between posts. It's not because I've been spiraling down, thankfully, just really due more than anything else to extreme business at the job.

    I've been working hard. Really, really hard, building my confidence as long as I don't look down at the ravine under this tightrope. But it's something that makes me evaluate whether after this crazy season is over (in the middle of winter, how appropriate) what I need most is a long vacation and a job change. Nearly two years at this place, and major reprogramming, has its rewards, but the rewards look like they'll level off and maybe even diminish soon.

    MO restraint as I posted about last time was quickly abandoned. However, I didn't swing hard over to some indulgence either. I simply...forgot. My inner life, both in terms of sex, and in terms of spirit, have been "de-prioritized" or neglected to be harsher of late.
    No porn. Hardly even any pictures of women intentionally seen to excite me. Real-life samples get appreciative glances. Not much more.

    But, I'm not unhealthy either. Weight gain is the worst of it, due to more unconscious and quick eating, the "brain food" excuse needed for making my living. But I am managing to eke out enough sleep, although I did have a few bouts of insomnia along the way and hopefully won't have any more. And in other areas I'm managing.

    Emotionally, when I have time to feel and reflect, it can be tough. Loneliness and some anger, I'm sad to admit, for instance when my mother calls me from warmer climes and tells me how nice things are with her and my stepdad, and all I can do is bitch about my struggle. But I'm not going to be fake and say "Everything's fine" either. She had her years of struggle to support me, she was single for a good long while, now I'm trying to make the "child father to the man" in my reality.

    Paradoxically, my business has made my relationship with my father easier, because we're usually just going out for dinners on me. Shorter, more pleasurable and more self-contained.

    It's a dull existence that has to have deep structural work if I'm to get to another level and actually be active with women again. I'm looking into the spring and summer as being another period of this kind of effort, work and exploration, maybe even some real risk taking which may be necessary for my growth. But that's weeks away, which is a more pleasant way of saying months.

    What am I doing NOW? This is the key. Have to ask more often what I can do in the short-term to have long-term benefits. So much of my energy and time is eaten away with my current responsibilities to myself and my profession that it's ridiculous. That's my life.
  13. It's all about the bricks

    Glad you're going well darkwolf!

    I understand the pressure from work and life in general. Every now and then though, we should try to squeeze in a few minutes of whatever will get us to where we want to go. May that be getting closer to women, socialising more, meditating, exercising, whatever..

    You could this NOW. There's never a better time. No need for big, scary steps. Sometimes those little steps energise us a lot more than we expect.

    Hope you figure out something nice easy and practical soon. Take care!
  14. Canada2012

    Canada2012 Active Member

    I disagree with Asha as I don't think you're doing well.

    I wrote a post and just deleted it. I felt like I was making too many unsubstantiated claims.

    In a nutshell: I am wondering whether or not you are trying to prove something to yourself, espace something, or are really articulating a life plan where you work so hard for a personal reason that drives you forward?

    Of course, we all have moments in life where we can't do everything we'd like to (24 hours a day, 365 days a year in reality), but I don't like reading how you drop basic stuff like 1) eat well 2) sleep well 3) stay minimally active 4) follow what you said was important for you. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I sense it's too big a sacrifice.

    I guess it's because of something I don't see. Hence the question: for what?
  15. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    I still say give the no-MO thing another thought.

    What happens now, when you experience sexual energy, is that you relieve yourself of it. I'm not saying that you do this often, but nevertheless. However, if that release were not an option, then you would gather more and more of this energy which, by nature's programming, would motivate you to seek other avenues to de-energize yourself. :D

    If there is little drive at the moment to engage the ladies, perhaps this could be the key.
  16. I don't know. Is this really good advice?
    He´s not watching porn, he´s just masturbating every now and then. Celibacy is not heavily advocated on this site as far as i know.
    I don´t want to speak for DarkWolf, but it´s a pretty good chance this is the healthiest he´s been sexually for many many years. Or potentially, considering he´s not making any sexual advances.
    My own experience is, it does not matter if you release every once in a while AFTER you have rebooted.
    Holding it in, is just that. Nothing more. It won´t make you chase tail any more or less.
    Of course TruettW, if you disagree and/or your experience says otherwise that´s fine. I just don´t think there will be any benefits to it at this point.
    Also, not where the problem is.

    To me it just seems that DW has drowned himself in work, and/or is "building his nest". The former is very normal, you see it all from all kinds of people (work addicts). It could be just another form of escape from the potentially painful process of achieving what we want the most.
    The latter, also very understandable. You want your life together before you go out and meet women.
    But, as with self-help, you could just build/work on that forever, because there is always more and bigger and better things to get.

    Now i´m sorry brother DW for making these assumptions, but it seems you keep circling around this issue in your posts. I wont bother you any more with it in future posts, but only you can put this matter to rest by addressing it more directly.
  17. darkwolf

    darkwolf New Member

    And another long gap, with the same excuses. But I need to respond to each of you and go further. Short headline: HOLDING IT TOGETHER, BUT WITH MASKING TAPE SOME OF THE TIME.

    Asha, even if you were looking at my post more positively than it deserved, you're right, and tonight will start more of the kind of small habits that have been sorely lacking for my health. My biggest concern recently have been my bouts of mid-morning/late night insomnia. I have an exercise to deal with this I can share: before bed, I will, in reverse order, mentally observe and catalog the events of the day as objectively as I can. No commentary, just sensations and images. This has benefited me in the past, and unless I have some purely physical reason to wake up before I should (like having a piddle) I hope this helps. At least I'll try this again.

    I kind of wish you had not censored yourself Canada. Whatever frustration you felt at reading my post, as someone who can relate to some of the things I've been going through better than most, you might have touched nerves that needed it. Chances are good, whatever indignant stance you may have had, I've been there.

    Yes, it's a valid excuse I have, to be this busy and work-obsessed, to "get it right." But I'm not so blind as to see that without a better balance, I'm in trouble. And the obvious truth is this: I may have been at the job before this for about three years, and moved to something better, but soon after only two years, I may very well have had enough of this particular salt mine. If I really can't get away from my professional life enough to make progress in other areas, then I have to deal with the elephant in the room. Some of it, let me try and be real, will not change just because I earn a living somewhere else, but some of it very well may.

    I do have more to say about where I am and where I'm going, below.

    It's worth a try. But TSNP has just as strong a counter argument:

    Don't be sorry TSNP! It's an impulse for me to deny that I'm a work addict when, after all, how can I be addicted to what I HAVE to do (and I really do...I'm not working long hours and 6- and 7- hour days to feel macho or suck up to anyone...this is what it takes!). But I also can't deny that too much of my identity right now is bound up in my job. That is no good for me, and that's simply a fundamental truth I can't avoid.

    And you're right, I will not have anywhere near the life I want and need if all I do is "my duty."


    So, I'm posting this because there's been an interesting development. Even if it's more like two steps forward, one step back, the crushing deadline at my job got moved back significantly. I'm breathing a bit easier, although I'm deluded if I think that means there aren't still mountains of hard work ahead of me.

    It's not all sunshine and flowers though...that also means this particular process we go through can become even MORE drawn-out and painful. It's a mixture of emotions. But having the chance to breathe and reflect enough to post this today is a gift.

    Mainly, I'm deciding - as my responses above clue you in - that I have to try and make real, BIG changes this summer.

    What does this mean? I have to say it out loud and act upon the following:

    • set up one or more dating profiles, and play the field (options!)
      clean up my environment and keep it that way
      engage in regular physical activity again (Yoga etc.)
      look for another job and another place to live (more options!)
      do regular creative work, even if small scale
      look wherever I can to expand my social circles
      take risks, possibly even "vision quest" type ones, and try to get extended breaks to do them

    There is absolutely no reason why I can't start doing everything in the above, once my "crazy season" ceases.

    It is wrong, absolutely wrong, for me to wrap up so much of my life in what I do to make money. I realize that not only because I share some of the common man's workaday misery, but because the feeling of that unbalanced life is not a good one. That isn't health. Some of it is just unavoidable, but I need to make efforts to change my reality in ways that will benefit all areas when I work on one.

    It feels like restating lessons from NO MORE MR. NICE GUY but, this attitude that I have a "compartmentalized" existence is best and "safest" is bullshit. If I have more fun with women, I'll do my job better when I do it. If I like my job better, I'll be more creative too. If I'm more creative in my private life, I'll be more fun with women. Etc. It's all connected. It's almost like it's only when I'm in the depths of professional frustration right now can I see this more clearly.

    Without being adolescent hopefully, what I need to find again is my passion. Driving home tonight I was listening to some music I hadn't heard in about 30 years, and cheesy though it is in some ways, it made me realize how those emotions need to be brought out honestly again. How the suppression game hasn't been benefiting me except when I have to earn cash.

    So, this is basic faith and I have to come back and re-read it. Can I take steps toward a more positive existence again, and realize that when I improve one area of my life, I improve all the others too even if I don't realize it? This sense of the whole has to be maintained.


    Now, I want to spread a little insight if not encouragement and talk about why I came here in the first place. A subtle change has happened as I approach my third year of being PMO free.

    My porn fantasies and stored scenes are fading. Truly fading and holding less fascination! Not to lie, they're still in there, not a memory wipe like ETERNAL SUNSHINE, but it's thrilling to realize that when I do fantasize, I'm much more prone to fantasize about REAL women, women I knew or know. Yes, you can argue that all of it is bad to some degree, but nothing can be worse than being in thrall to those stale old scenes I threw away and blocked my access to.

    The difference is clear, or should I say, murkier, and I'm grateful for it. I never had expectations for how long it would have, or it will take to be even more free of this crap. But it's quite something to experience that change suddenly sneak on you one day after several years, where the bonds of P fantasies truly start fraying to the point where you can lift the ropes over your head. Stick with it!
  18. darkwolf

    darkwolf New Member

    So, I passed through the crazy time at my job and acquitted myself more than honorably. I have however probably lost more hair and gone grayer in the process. I'm fired up to look for a better situation to earn money this summer. BUT, I am not going to put all my eggs in that basket either if I can help it. I'm gradually putting together plans for a summer getaway lasting several weeks, FOR ME.

    I'm also slowly coming round to doing things again, FOR ME. (A key phrase I'm meditating on these days, following the NMMNG theme.) I'm re-enrolling in yoga. I'm being more attentive to my appearance in small areas. And, I'm going to do something later this week that I haven't done in a very long time: I'm going to go to a music club, by myself, to enjoy, and perhaps even mix it up with the like-minded socially.

    My creative spark is at a low ember, and I'm bringing it back so that it can hopefully be tended into a more nourishing flame. That long-term project which lay dormant over the difficult winter is something I need to return to.

    I also intend to get that dating profile or profiles going in the next few weeks, once I get some acceptable photos done. It's scary, and I expect will be potentially discouraging, but there's nothing else for it: I need to start swimming up the stream like a salmon. ;)

    I am unhappy however with the peeking I've done at women and nudes, my smartphone as usual being my weakness enabler. Seems my pronouncement about getting out of P phase last time was premature in the sense that something in me during the most stressful times sought expression. It is a difficult beast to cage up in such a way that it hopefully withers and dies therein. My edging has been infrequent enough to not upset me greatly, but I am trying to give up every moment I can where the temptation is there to a process of reasoning and energy redistribution which can make it happen less and less and then hopefully not at all. Spring has definitely had the heightening effect on my sexual desire that's expected, it seems. The fantasies in my head do get rather outrageous sometimes and, in my typical habitual way, usually have their contributions from emotional frustration, hunger, boredom, and so on.

    So, I have made some steps both back and forward, but beneath all of it I want most to make lasting structural changes if I can. I'm under no illusions it will be easy but I am willing to take more risks, because I know I can't remain at this relative level without feeling like I'm declining. The dark is as close to me as the light at this stage, and I have a tightrope upon which I have to balance.
  19. Lots of good stuff to read.
    Kanye said slow money is better than no money, i say slow progress is better than no progress.
    (Not that Kanye or myself are the greatest of persons to quote) The fast life is not for all of us.

    I just got some photos taken myself. Scary indeed, but in the end i got a few good ones that was put to good use. Once you get those and get on some dates things will probably come easier. The first steps are always the most difficult ones. Once you start walking again things will get better.

    Doing more stuff for yourself instead of your employer will probably help out with the minor problems of peeking and fantasy that you mentioned.

    Indeed, take more risks! We gotta live now. The potential downfall may be greater, but so are the potential rewards.
    (If you´ve never stepped out of the US, may i suggest getting a passport for the summer getaway?)
  20. darkwolf

    darkwolf New Member

    Not only is it not for all, it's not for MOST. And as I've found out over the years, one of the only things which can help individuality grow, is to give up the illusion of individuality. ;)

    I am very glad to hear this, and to get anything positive accomplished in the dating arena, I have to believe it. So I choose to believe it.

    It would again be good to believe, but I can't quite. It seems logical that when I take more active external actions about what needs changing, and when I don't put my mind and nervous system in the idle/danger zone, I will want to masturbate less - but since I have so relatively little experience with that reprogramming, can I really subscribe to that predictive hope of how I will be?

    The terrifying reality as I see it is that even at more than 40 years of age, I can't say with any conviction how I will be. All I can do is act, and hope, that the repercussions will be both good and lasting.

    I've thought the same for a long time. My passport has indeed lay fallow and expired. To even escape my current county is an achievement, let alone a whole other country. But it would be good for me.

    Thank you TSNP.

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