Graying pelts, worn and discarded - my continuing year plus life struggle

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by darkwolf, Jun 23, 2014.

  1. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    A grin broadened across my face as i read your post: signing up for yoga again, going out to a music club, and planning a trip that gets you excited!

    Have you thought of joining groups that interest you and as a side effect possibly meeting great women thru them?

    I think these positive new activities are great to focus on. When these great things crowd out the weeds of porn and jerking off.... you may naturally find less need to PMO.
  2. darkwolf

    darkwolf New Member

    Yes, absolutely, I'm all about joining and trying new things. But I have to keep them a priority and not dismiss them before I even begin!

    I have my summer vacation planned and am excited about it. Whether or not it contains some life-changing experiences (and it very well could) I definitely need and deserve it.

    The yoga and return to my spiritual group have been helping a lot. I'm more relaxed, more purposeful and coordinated-feeling. The other day my stepdad was having a real emotionally problematic time and I managed to walk away from him trying to bait me into a fight. That took some fortitude!

    One weird thing that's happened is that I went from years of no erotic dreams, to THREE in a row the last few nights! Of course, they're still not "wet" because I'm repressed or something ;) but I'm not complaining, especially because there are signs of lucidity. I gave up trying to lucid dream last fall/winter because it was too difficult and disruptive to my rest, but some of the ability I picked up may be lingering.

    One real relief is that all three women in the dreams do not resemble strongly women I either know in real life or have fantasized about. I interpret this as a type of freedom and opening to newness, despite my occasional taking in of images of women I could very well do without.

    I have been more horny recently, overall, no question. Now that I'm noticeably losing weight again, I should take advantage, get those pictures done and start getting out there! Of course, my issue is I so often find excuses and "more important" things to do first.
  3. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    good to see you're still doing so well. planned out breaks and vacations are very important for replenishing energy und fueling motivation.
    yoga sounds great too and I'm sure it supports recovery.

    keep it up!
  4. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    I really like all the plans you made for social activities, meeting women joining groups etc.

    I am jealous of your erotic dreams! I rarely have them! But i figure if i harness my sexual energy, as i have been doing, they may come.

    I dug a bit back in your posts from a few months ago:
    Remember these?
    "set up one or more dating profiles, and play the field (options!)
    clean up my environment and keep it that way
    engage in regular physical activity again (Yoga etc.)
    look for another job and another place to live (more options!)
    do regular creative work, even if small scale
    look wherever I can to expand my social circles
    take risks, possibly even "vision quest" type ones, and try to get extended breaks to do them

    These were activities you were interested in after your "crazy period at work".
    How long is the crazy period? Is it over about now? Which of these are you still interested in?

    " I'm all about joining and trying new things. But I have to keep them a priority and not dismiss them before I even begin!"
    What groups have you joined? What specifically interests you?
  5. darkwolf

    darkwolf New Member

    Hello trapped7 and lfl, thanks for reading and replying.

    I've been away and adrift. My lack of posting has reflected a period of relative business with money-making mundane stuff combined with a general feeling of fatigue and irresponsibility. It's good to be reminded of my goals again.

    To help push myself toward them, I'm declaring here that I'm going to give up MO for an extended period again, and be more strict about looking at borderline material too. Although I may not have done that much overall - not even weekly sometimes, let alone daily - it's still too much. It's not even the neural or physical aspects of the MO and peeking I don't think are helpful. It's that being horny and being frustrated gives me an EDGE that I want to hold on to and cultivate.

    This also will involve me using my sig technique again to help manage the unruly energies. This is a good thing.

    I also am going to try and get more sleep by going to bed earlier, and not using anything with a screen past a certain hour. Studies have shown, and my personal experience bears out, that it is a big help in quieting the mind/body and allowing sleep to be more easy to attain and deeper.

    Yoga continues, which is good. So does my spiritual support group. But aside from getting ready for my vacation, I'm not active enough in life.

    I am however taking one risk that I've thought for a long time about, while I am away on summer break. It has helped others, and while I'm being as serious as I can be and keeping my expectations realistic, am hoping it will help me too:

    I am going to go on my very first psychedelic experience, guided by supportive and friendly people in a safe environment.

    There is a layer of crud over my mind and personality that I think can use a more frontal shock to loosen, if not remove. I am prepared for a range of possible outcomes, but given how many people I know who have done similar experiences and had no lasting harm, feel the risk is low. And whatever I 'see', I think will be worthwhile.

    So, in the near future, if I stick to my short-term goal of again ceasing MO and getting more rest, I will need to report in more often about what effects and experiences I have. Which is as it should be. More than two years into my post-porn consumption and PMO period of life, I feel my standstill needs to cease, slowly, quickly or both.
  6. darkwolf

    darkwolf New Member

    It's good to remain skeptical, and it's definitely too soon to judge. But, coincidence or not, I may just be experiencing benefits from my avoidance of MO once more.

    Today an old character from this journal/thread - the one I called Moving Girl - struck up a conversation with me like we haven't had in a very long time. Whether or not this goes anywhere - and there are many reasons why it shouldn't, including the common circles of membership and friendship we have, as well as her troubled status in life - it felt great to engage with a woman in this way again after a very long dry spell.

    And, we're definitely getting together in the future in a small group setting, more social than ever before. I have her digits.

    I place no expectations on this. My calm demeanor which I think the start of NO-MO helped bolster may have helped make me more approachable to her.

    Even after just a few days managing the urges, I see how the MO thing became simply one more habit and is almost as easily stopped as started again. The question becomes, how to know when it really is time to do the deed once again? Absurd to think it has to be as dramatic as a cow's udder or something :) but it definitely can't be to respond to every other idle itch in the crotch like it's been for about a year now.

    The less frequency, though, should work well for me if I can keep to it.

    Feeling better and more rested too, which may or may not be a good side benefit.
  7. Beowulf

    Beowulf Member

    Darkwolf, it is intersting you beat porn as a habit but I pick up on a deep level of dissatisfaction wtih you.
    I suppose when porn is out of the way it is time to build up a life for yourself and revisiting sexuality again. I have no doubt that a friendship with a woman would do you the world of good without rushing into intimacy. The times I have had performance anxiety, or ED, it was due to things being too rushed, I didn't feel that unconditonal regard and even love to kick fire my libido.

    Myself I'm in a strange limbo due to my marriage, which is a situation I am trying to resolve. Will check in again soon.
  8. darkwolf

    darkwolf New Member

    It is an interesting and counter-intuitive way (maybe) to look at it Beowulf, thank you.

    Yes, it would be against many a so-called "expert"'s advice to actually seek a woman for a platonic friendship while holding the sexual tension, even if it's only my own, in check. It's the "friendzoning" and "one-itis" thing which, has plagued me (and others) for so long that I'm "supposed" to avoid. But maybe if I feel a person (and I'm not necessarily saying it's this one) is the correct person for the role, they should play it?

    I'm managing these urges fairly well, to stay off MO for the time being. But once again I observe like my brethren here that the insidious drives make us fall into media and mental exposure zones which can too-easily lead to areas which are not good. Just hours before this I found myself on YouTube looking at stuff that can only be described as prurient, though not explicit. Slippery slope and all that.
  9. Beowulf

    Beowulf Member

    Myself I have found women get intrigued when I seek friendship, they often think I have 'deep qualities'

    Worse is when they know you want them but you are saying you want to be a friend, then you are in the friend zone.
  10. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    I wrote to you about specific activities you had listed in detail...... that you wished to add to your life.
    I asked about what you had added.

    You then replied mostly about not PMO-ing about rejecting this, ceasing that.
    My approach has been the same...... along with adding stuff into my life to push the PMO out.

    I didn't hear much about that from you. It seemed to me you were focused on resisting, not doing, ending etc.

    Do you think resisting MO comes first and allows space for the good stuff in your life,
    adding good stuff into your life comes first, which then displaces the porn and jerking off?

    " It's good to be reminded of my goals again.
    To help push myself toward them, I'm declaring here that I'm going to give up MO for an extended period again,
    I stick to my short-term goal of again ceasing MO and getting more rest,"
  11. Canada2012

    Canada2012 Active Member

    Hi Darkwolf.

    Thanks as always for your support on my journal.

    A few thoughts popping in my mind:

    Are you done with your period of intense professionnal demands?

    What is in your life beyond the reboot?

    What are you doing to get into pleasurable situations with female prospects beyond being available for the occasional chat?

    A friendship with a woman (or many) can be very rewarding. But it's also okay to be honest that you are looking for someone to share intimately with.
  12. darkwolf

    darkwolf New Member

    Canada, LFL, thanks for your replies. I've been away for both good and not-so-good reasons.

    My professional life is quieter than it was, but there's still plenty to do and I confess I still haven't put in the time I believe I should to explore the job market. There are some critical steps I have to take for preparation and I allowed them to fall by the wayside as I slid into "summer enjoyment/semi-mindlessness" mode.

    Have I put other new things in to displace the bad habits? If you'd been reading my journal, you'd see I have some in place already, but arguably not enough. But the main portion of what I want to say dealing with my recent experiences will address this.


    I took a well-deserved several-week vacation to visit old favorite places and friends in another part of the country shortly after my last post. I left all my professional crap behind and just went and enjoyed, visited with favorite old friends, ate good food, drank, enjoyed myself and had plenty of good rest and leisure. It was wonderful. I mostly got to do everything I wanted to do and people were nice to me and happy to see me.

    So what could make a vacation for a single unattached man even better? Getting laid of course. And, my expectations of that not happening, while fulfilled, actually are still something I want to talk about further because I got closer to this scenario than I thought in an intriguing but a bit frustrating situation.

    First, I have to also admit that I went "off the reservation" to some degree on my vacation.

    I did take the psilocybin mushrooms as planned, under a good friend's supervision. With my meditation/energy work preparation and his experience, as he was sober, I thought the chances better than even that I would experience nothing bad. I indeed did not experience anything bad, but unless I'm enjoying residual benefits which are subtle...which is possible...I can't say it was anything life-changing either. No major insights, but an interesting experience I may repeat if given the right conditions and purpose. Being middle-aged, and knowing my own mind and heart much better than I once did, and perhaps a (too) low dose, was the key.

    I mention this first because it's possible that in some small way it led to the second "off reservation" behavior during the vacation which was not so good.

    I did not MO on the trip - even once - although there was more than a bit of self-touching in bed. But I DID look at nudes, way, way too many nudes, including semi-explicit ones. One app on my phone allows too easy cross-over to the dark side with filters easy to disable. Maybe I was triggered by all the gorgeous women where I was. Doesn't matter I suppose.

    Anyway, to come back to the realm of real, actual women, there was one particular lady who is a friend of a friend and caught my fancy, and I wondered if there was any chance of us hooking up on this trip. Well, I'm still not sure what the answer to that was, although obviously as I said the ultimate answer was no. I'll do another portion of this wall of text and ask you what you think...
  13. darkwolf

    darkwolf New Member

    So this lady, we'll call her MM for Madame MILF, her nickname suits her. She's had four - count em four kids but is still only a few years older than me. She's attractive, smart, cultured, not wealthy, and very, very sexually open. (Four kids, three husbands!)

    We spent most of a day together doing friendly things. Drinking, eating, talking. However, although I definitely had my moments where I felt (especially fueled by the alcohol, although I was never blitzed) like I wanted to jump her bones, there were many rational reasons why I didn't make a move. I have actually been very peaceful with myself about allowing once again my "rational" side to win out, but of course I wouldn't be writing this without a few grains of regret.

    Why didn't we bang? Among the reasons were a lack of safe venues, since she lives with several other people who could have come home at any moment - two of which are her sons (imagine getting caught by them...!); the general aura of drama in her life, which her calm demeanor can't completely cover up; and, most importantly, that doing this kind of move in a circle of friends who are practically family, could have a massive potential backlash.

    Anyway, trying to be freer from the delusions about women's actual desire/non-desire for me, I wondered of course how platonic this time we spent together really was anyway. I read her as carefully as I could moment to moment. And, while it may be a case of being teased, I think I was detecting more and more interest from her as the day went on. There was also plenty of talk about sex and relationships, some of it quite frank. Dead giveaway?

    This was the actual day before I had to leave. So when I was on the plane, imagine my humor when I got goodbye texts from her, which were VERY friendly indeed.

    It's good to feel wanted. Next time I'm back in that town, if we're both still unattached and yet more stable, who knows.


    Now upon returning home, after some unwelcome surprises and some difficult adjusting, I'm back in my rut/groove with important projects in various stages of progress or non-progress, and, most happily, something I never expected in the realm of women and someone I already dated!

    This is truly a first for me. Out of the blue, while I was on vacation, the woman I first dated several years ago when I returned to my hometown (we'll call her FitnessGirl) texted me and said hello. This is actually not the first time we've talked in the intervening years. I think despite my disappointment at our cessation of dating those years ago, and some genuine hurt - because our lives were both difficult in different ways - I never thought badly of her, but for years, I made no special efforts to restart an active friendship with her either because I thought she'd not welcome that and it would only make us both uncomfortable and resentful.

    A few months ago I called her up to ask her a sincere question about yoga, and we had a nice, cordial conversation. I think this signaled that I/we had matured and forgiven what needed to be and so that led to her restarting this contact.

    Imagine my surprise when the other week, she basically asked me out! So last weekend we had a very nice time, but again, I treated it as casually as possible so as not to be desperate or suffocating. After all, assuming she wants anything more than some company from me can be a misreading leading to discomfort for us both. (The fact that she still has a sensational body, hence her nickname, is beside the point, right?)

    So, for the first time in my life, I'm friends again if not actually dating a woman I stopped dating. This is an important milestone for me too. I'm going very slow with FitnessGirl, again because I don't want to misread and manipulate what has no potential, but she actually is one of the few in my semi-recent past I've had any sexual activity with and if the opportunity arises, I'd take it again. She's a better person than most I know, very compassionate, and we do still have a chemistry I think.

    Although I'd be fooling myself if I believe I'm a "new man" after those intervening years, I definitely like myself more and am more accepting of myself and others than I once was, and so I think we could get along better. It matters especially with her, because she has some very delicate aspects to her personality - a difficult upbringing and some self-esteem issues (despite her striking physical appearance and her self-discipline with fitness, which I wish I shared).

    When we were out this past weekend, I was surprised at how excited I was to be with her again and how I actually felt some of the attraction again. But I'm trying to stay level inside, so it hopefully doesn't overwhelm her, or me. If I lose her presence in my life again, I'll feel bad, but I hope to not regret trying. It is a very strange but good feeling to be able to re-establish something you thought was broken. Karma is at work here, and I hope I can accept its lessons with grace.
  14. darkwolf

    darkwolf New Member

    Finally, the other general areas of my life. MO, mostly practiced in clusters and then left alone for days or if I push it, weeks at a time. With just a few fast slip-ups I've almost completely stopped the peeking and bad image viewing for now. No PMO still. But an awareness that "mental PMO" is also present too easily and I think I have to avoid it where I can.

    I still want to focus more on house tidiness, and looking for a job and living space upgrade. I find myself procrastinating, I don't get too down about it, but I realize it needs to cease for my longer-term happiness.

    Creatively, I'm still on a very low burn. I have remind myself yet again that this activity too, including long-term projects which I still want to do, is necessary for my health and prosperity. The side of my personality which acts as if those things are "less important" is full of shit. I know from first hand experience, as do many of us, that engaging in the more chaotic, unknown and intuitive sides of ourselves is worth pursuing to make us feel more whole.

    A continuing source of real-life worry is my father's health. I try to help him where I can but he's still on a tightrope where one major slip-up could be disastrous. I've talked about this many times before but it's something often eating away at me in the back of my mind.

    That's about all I have for now. Thanks for reading if you did.
  15. Canada2012

    Canada2012 Active Member

    I've read it all, of course, and with pleasure.

    Darkwolf, you've been rebooting for so long now, I would no longer believe you if you told me this desire of yours for a woman comes from the addictive end.

    You obviously are getting female attention. I just wonder why it's not happening for you.

    But then you've always been a mysterious one.

    I can swear that, were I in your shoes, I would start being upfront, and openly talking about, what I was looking for in a relationship with a woman, from getting laid to a life partner. Let the inner fantasies go out there and see what happens.

    Perhaps you're a brainy and shy guy. If so, I can relate as I am as well.

    Perhaps it's ED. You haven't mentionned it here but I remember your experience with PolyW.

    Regardless, I eagerly await you getting laid solid and reporting the good feeling with shaking fingers ;)

    And next time you are stuck with a woman you can't flirt with because of fear of getting caught by her sons... Jesus brother rent a hotel room; that's what 'siestas' are for!!
  16. darkwolf

    darkwolf New Member

    The diagnosis is easy. It's the remedy that isn't. I'm not aggressive enough.

    Hotel room? Seems simple, except that alone would have been a potential disaster in the making - no surer way for me to feel unsafe. Yes, of course there's psychologically-based ED based on several past experiences.

    That's why I was looking to the possibility of getting things going again with FitnessGirl, because we're somewhat equally matched for our reticence and need for a slow pace; but there's slow and then there's slow: that's proven since just yesterday to be a dumb basket to place all "my" eggs in - because she's basically put me on hold for all of next month due to being "busy."

    I do actually want to be friends, but, I've got to start getting her competition, and lots of it.

    Feeling rather blah this day. Been a bit too close to justifying mid-week MOs in my head. Gotta take care of basic business!
  17. I wrote this reply just as you replied, but i´ll just keep it as it is:

    I say everything canada2012 says.

    And i will add one thing: Women want you to lead. You have to set the tone, and lead towards what YOU want. If she don´t want it, she´ll let you know.
    I get that you don´t want to screw up potential friendships, but just keep that in the back of your mind.

    We´re not getting any younger. There are few perfect scenarios that falls into our laps during our lives. You create your own luck in every other case.
    Also, just get a cialis and put it in the same pocket as the condom. It will take care of the anxiety of ED. DON´T MAKE EXCUSES, MAKE IT HAPPEN!
  18. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    And I agree in turn with ThouShallNotPorn: lead. Take bold steps. It is hard, it is still extremely hard for myself, but it has to be done. You don't need to do big things, just small ones that will build up your confidence with women. As an example, last Sunday I went to the beach with this french guy. There were a Pepsi booth that gave free sunglasses for those buying a glass of the drink and 2 girls present. This french guy, not good looking, 175cm, no muscles, started chatting with one of the girl and while doing so put his hand on the shoulder of her. Just there. No pushing or pulling her, just laying his hand there. The girl didn't complain.

    The shy guy in me would have never done such a thing. I would have never even THOUGHT of doing such a thing. He was not interested in getting her number (we left after a few seconds), he was just showing his confidence around an attractive woman, just because he felt like doing it. As the girl didn't react badly, his confidence came out increased by the situation, even if it didn't lead to anything serious. Those small steps can help us to be more confident and start leading the interaction. There's also a very low chance of rejection, or the rejection won't hurt much.
  19. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Man, when I look back at all of the lovely girls I could have hooked up with if I wasn't worried about "ruining a friendship"... I'd go back and hook up with them all in a second. We're still "friends" but in different places, and now I wonder if my fear of ruining a friendship wasn't just a convenient excuse to avoid stepping out of my comfort zone, being vulnerable, and expressing what I really wanted...
  20. Canada2012

    Canada2012 Active Member

    At this point, in your shoes, I would:

    1- Very carefuly delineate my comfort zone and figure out what's the worst that can happen if I step out of it.
    2- Figure out the values I hold on to and what I am just afraid of dropping,
    3- Take a good long vacation out of my comfort zone, packing my core values and leaving the fear behind.

    I suggest a club med for singles, a trip to a foreign country, a swinger club, 10 dating sites, a university class, a string of random approach to cute strangers. Whatever: Move out there.

    I'll be a little harsh here: no wonder fitness girl moved away if you were the cautious tepid guy who tries to take it slow waiting for her to always make the first move.

    Do you stil have ED or not? If yes, figure out a way to break the news and live through the possible rejection, as well as sexual fantasies that doesn't involve your dick. If not, GOOD, done!

    Friend, you're almost 2 years away from porn, I am gripping the side of my tables and clenching my teeth as write this. I really wish for you to get what you want: WHAT DO YOU WANT?.

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