Graying pelts, worn and discarded - my continuing year plus life struggle

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by darkwolf, Jun 23, 2014.

  1. darkwolf

    darkwolf New Member

    Hi Guys. I'm over one year PMO free, and now turned 40, but no greenhorn on these boards or to this path.

    My previous thread in the 30-39 section is located here, if you'd like to catch up on your own, but I'll summarize the big points and events in this first post.

    Was PMOing to high speed internet porn and low speed before that for nigh on a combined 16 years. Had only one consistent sexual and romantic relationship with major ED issues (but before the regular porn use) which probably contributed to that later isolation. Emotional and self-image difficulties and so on. Summary of my history is here.

    Quit PMO on 4/25/13, and my life has really improved a lot since, including new job, new living space, and the general psychological benefits etc. Reboot has been an almost-unqualified success. After about 310 days of no PMO OR MO my body simply was too easily triggered and I went to an approximate once-weekly MO schedule with no P or fantasy if I could help it. It's been holding up.

    ReWIRING however is a much bigger challenge, with my sparse experience in my old life. But I've got some exciting developments going on like the ones told on the last two pages of my thread, like here and here. Potential sexual/romantic prospect as I transition from 39 to 40, which I'm happy about, but big challenges remain which I hope to chronicle and move through. I have a lot of journals here to catch up on, get a sense of who some of you are. It's a little awkward moving from one board to another, so I hope it goes OK.

    Thanks for reading.
     
  2. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Just checking in, old man :)
     
  3. EFS White

    EFS White Member

    Yep, just the beginning of a new chapter. So... Happy Birthday! Wishing you all the best and hope your life continues to improve.
     
  4. Canada2012

    Canada2012 Active Member

    Hail ye GreyBeard!

    I really enjoyed reading that last thread and shall eagerly follow your new journal.
     
  5. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    A late Happy Birthday! Let the bad of the last decade stay there and the good follow you into this one. Live in the now!
     
  6. JG55

    JG55 Member

    Belated Happy Birthday as well!
     
  7. darkwolf

    darkwolf New Member

    Haha - thanks for the "send-offs" you youngsters. :p

    Last few days (weeks, actually) have been MO free, as I continue to anticipate a possible third rendezvous with the one I call PolyWoman. For those new to this journal, PolyWoman is a female who attracts me, I'd say several years younger than myself, and I'd like to say is also attracted to me. However, my long dry spell and her chosen lifestyle (which you can read about in some of the links from my original post) make this both an exciting and nerve-wracking story for me.

    I am as usual MIGHTY horny while alone in bed in the morning. I have a tough time (one of my biggest danger areas) keeping my hands off myself. This was in part what caused the MO dam to break this past spring.

    Today "Poly" and I got back in touch and, I feel the dread, not without some reason with my particular past, that this is make it or break it time, the pre-third date zone. I really am in suspense as texts of mine can and will go unanswered for hours. My body is very ready for sex when on its own, when anticipating something, when fantasizing, but this suspense just leads to crushing negativity if I indulge my imagination.

    More than once in my recent unimpressive dating past, I've come to a retrospective realization that had I only pushed things further, I could have received much more sex-related progress with these women. I was in no fit state during my last date with PolyWoman, as good as it was in some ways, to escalate. And one thing that I imagine and I hope doesn't come true is that days or weeks from now, I'll realize that yet again that was the night when I was meant to try to get more physical with a woman.

    But, I try to be compassionate toward myself, as someone trying to heal, and realize that I can only go as far as I can at any given time. But when you reach 40 and have my kind of past, it's pressure and real fear as companions, and no way around it. Sand through the hourglass, etc.

    So I have to let things unfold while I live other aspects of my life...a job that's going fairly well, a renewed interest in my own health and fitness (and long may that last), various small projects and normal socialization where I can get it. It was nice to see people's expressions of love and care for me recently as I hit this (numerical at least) milestone.

    How to increase that...give more love out, is the only thing I can think of right now. Putting that into practice is the tough part. Being mature if I can, I need reminders that this woman is one of many - there are other possibilities, but I will tend to fixate on the nearest and shiniest.

    Re-reading the section in "No More Mr. Nice Guy" about sex has helped too. I need to focus on what I really want, and my own pleasure. This lady definitely expects it, and encourages it far as I can tell.
     
  8. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    If you feel you have been inactive, now's the time for decisive moves. What can you do now to set things in motion? Will you wait, or be active?
     
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Very late, but still happy birthday!

    Reading your last two paragraphs, I think you're dealing great with this situation. Meeting this woman is really a great thing, as it is for her to meet you. Follow your heart and you'll be alright.
     
  10. EFS White

    EFS White Member

    Well, since you need reminders, let me remind you: That woman is one of many, there ARE other possibilities. And on a more serious note, it's interesting that this happens to you; it happens to me in the exact same way — as soon as there is a viable sexual option around my brain zones in on this one option. I am thinking this is some kind of natural, instinctual mechanism at play, so maybe another reminder is due that this is absolutely normal and should just be accepted as such. +++EXPRESSIVE LANGUAGE+++ Mother nature doesn't want to let her get away without you having impregnated her. Makes sense to me. +++LANGUAGE WARNING OFF+++

    Other than that your last two dates with Poly sounded amazing, I don't see any reason why the third date should not also be very enjoyable. Probably: Just don't think so much, just let things play out.

    Good luck, oldster! ;)
     
  11. darkwolf

    darkwolf New Member

    Very well put, and no quick answer is possible. I'll try to hold this question inside and plant it, let it bloom. Thank you.

    Thanks Gil. I wish I could believe it was that simple...with this one woman at least, "heart" occupies an uncertain place, both for her, and for me. I'm trying to let the body lead - heart is too easy and seems like a trap. If only I trusted my body more...so much of this is about that issue.

    Thanks EFS. Well, I will have that third opportunity, with all the peril and promise it will bring, since she definitely wants to see me again (and of course, I her).

    --

    My observation is again, how unbelievably powerful the morning bed-edging is. If I could harness that urge through all my interactions with actual women there would be no issue. But the disconnect feels so vast. I need to take good care of myself health-wise and do some fulfilling things this coming weekend to make me feel good in a way that's not just superficial. My health and happiness, all of ours for that matter, increase the chance that a woman will become part of the picture. I observed this when talking with another guy recently - that women like to see that man has a life, and a mission, interests and passions which are there beyond her, from before and lasting long after no matter what she may do or mean to you.

    For instance, my plans with a friend which are very important to me. I had a hypothetical scenario where PW would suddenly ask me to be with her on that day (which won't happen). How would I respond? If I cancelled my plan with my friend, which involves not only fun but creative things, I would be stupid and weak, and she could even end up feeling less respect for me down the line as a result. I've seen it happen. "Staying strong" has many meanings.
     
  12. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    I was going to post words to this effect but I see you have it covered. Just keep your cool when waiting for texts, etc. and remember that you have value in this relationship dynamic, too.
     
  13. darkwolf

    darkwolf New Member

    There are certain days - I've noted before when I had them - when I just feel unbelievably horndoggish. Today was one. It was like all day I was semi-erect. In one sense I really like that feeling because it makes me feel more alive, vivid, manly. In another though, of course it's an annoyance, because it produces nasty thoughts which distract and were I younger might even shame me.

    I definitely was thinking about the women I work with, in an unseemly way, and was wishing the woman I'm pursuing was around for action. But if that action were available, would I truly be?

    I did have some insights which, although their source isn't original (I'd say a smidgen of personal experience combined with Way of the Superior Man and No More Mr. Nice Guy, truthfully), felt very important to put down.

    The subject is what I believe sexual intimacy and potency requires. They're fragments taken down quickly:

    to be oneself without fear
    (because she definitely is...and hardly one to judge me, who is a good person and an interesting one)

    to focus on what feels good FOR ME
    (because she definitely will for her, and if i go too far too fast she WILL let me know. she is strong and hardy and will not break because of me)

    ego death is the goal, i want to be not much more but a collection of nerve endings
    (do not try to protect myself or impress her. she wants animalism, she wants passion, she wants to be desired and having me turned on turns her on)​

    There's a certain mindset, half-primitive, that I'd like to cultivate when it comes to these interactions. Maybe some of this makes sense, maybe not. I guess I can boil it down to "my thinking mind will not have sex with women."
     
  14. darkwolf

    darkwolf New Member

    Ai yai yai, I must also unblock a memory of today and confess that I was really tempted by a link on my phone. Something presented as "humor" had a P connection and the comments under this particular post almost had me one click away from a real danger zone. Thankfully reason won out.

    Just because one stays away from P for a very long while doesn't mean flare-ups can't lie in wait.
     
  15. sdlekr

    sdlekr Free

    That's a good observation. According to YBOP, those flare-ups are really chemicals in your brain attempting to feed its pleasure-receptors through the same old, well-worn circuits -- kind of like ruts in a dirt road. Training your brain to upset the old circuitry - happens when you stop looking.

    Thanks for your post.
     
  16. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    This mindset is one of my goals. I've been thinking recently, what with my ED and varying degrees of success between the sheets, that my attraction to women is very much an intellectual one at the moment, it's genuine, but not visceral. I think I'll know I'm cured when I feel drawn to them from somewhere deeper and more primal. In that respect, I envy you your horndoggedness :)
     
  17. JG55

    JG55 Member

    I relate to the above. Sometimes I worry that my radar toward women is off while rebooting. I may feel completely different about someone when the "primal drive" kicks back in.
     
  18. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    Happy Birthday!

    Sounds like you have learned a lot. Maybe it is time for a love in your life, yes? :)

    Regarding being horny. I think that is living on your edge (Deida). Maintaining that horniness, sustaining it, breathing it in and ..... and not killing it with MO. Don't you feel like a living walking wolf, a sexual and human animal that could claim the woman you want easily and fearlessly at those times?

    I am starting to formulate this idea that,
    the hornier you are, the more you benefit from not giving in. Wahddya think?
    In other words i am not sure horniness is a problem. We just want to get out of it easily by jerking off, no? Maybe it is that edginess that doesn't fit into our idea of a comfortable and "casual" lifestyle...yet.... maybe it is that edginess that pushes us and motivates us to get out and draw in the woman we want.


    (PS Quite frankly, I should be here on this forum, too as i have turned 40, but am lazy to do what you did!)
     
  19. darkwolf

    darkwolf New Member

    @HPMOF, JG55 and lookingforlove - good observations all. But of course, desire and urges are fickle things and change as we change. I supposedly will see her again this coming week, and when I do, who knows if/how my mind will try to calibrate or, perhaps more accurately, interfere with my attraction to her and what I want to do about it.

    It's the early stages still, this kind of strange, casual, drawn-out courtship I believe we're having. It causes me to have these moments of doubt which are of limited value, where I look around and ask myself old questions again.

    What I believe I need right now is the ability to have faith and realize I deserve these simple, really ordinary joys that were robbed from me for so long. Who knows the real reasons why, and in any case, they belong to the past, so I guess dwelling on them isn't the best use of my time.

    --

    I'm happy that yesterday I spent time socially and creatively with a friend, one I told about my recent developments in the dating area. Yes, a woman can help complete me and make me happier, but I've got a life of my own outside of that, and it's important to remember my substance. I'm real as I am, and I don't need a woman's validation to be real.
     
  20. asha.med

    asha.med It's all about the bricks

    I would say this is true for men as well. At least for me, being with a woman with no life who fully depends on me is a turn off. I see how some might like the idea of "taking her under your wing, protecting her" but I have a feeling that women don't actually like it. As a human being, regardless of your gender, I believe it's important to feel that you can make it on your own, no matter what happens. If you can share your life with someone, that's great. But to fully depend on them is a whole different story. And it's a turn off for whoever is with you.

    Looking forward to your next PW update :)
     

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