Gray Bork's THIRD and FOREVER Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by bork_gray, Nov 12, 2013.

  1. bork_gray

    bork_gray Beaker doesn't "bork" like the Chef.

    The creativity group is kinda fun, but not panning out to be as mind-bendingly supportive or effective as I initially had hoped. Kind of like reboots -- you get off on the right foot, all optimistic, hoping your whole life will see improvement, but after a while it becomes clear that there will be significant work, and even drudgery, to maintaining the new regimen, and guess what, it also doesn't improve a lot of your life, although it does improve one small portion of your life. Anyway, sticking with it.

    Also sticking with the anti-porn reboot, about two weeks to go for 100 days on that, just to see how it goes. And I'm still 100% on never going into another adult establishment again. So, reboots successful thus far. I have had a few temptations -- we've had some excruciatingly hot nights here lately, which always used to lure me to the air conditioning in the strip clubs, for example. I made the smart move of re-pumping my car's air conditioner full of freon, and sneakily lowering some of the thermostats at work and home without asking others. It did the trick!

    By the way, if you're thinking about doing the freon thing in your own car, really, I suggest it, it's idiotically simple, effective, and fun! About $40 for the first time through, and then once you own the hoses (which come as a kit with your first refill canister) it's about $25 for each subsequent refill canister. I don't expect to do another refill until next summer, or maybe late this summer if it gets bad. But it improved my air by about 50 degrees Fahrenheit, from blowing at 60 or at no-cooling at all, to blowing 30 or 25 degree air! Wow! Worth it and easy! And fun too.
  2. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Humble question, do you think you would have gotten hooked on the strip clubs without the addictive driving force of porn and jerking off?

    I mean, ever since I have moved in with my girlfriend I have been very devoted to her, but I could see a day when being off of PMO that my desire for real life sex could really increase, and I used to have multiple girlfriends a lot of the time. On the other hand, it might even die down without a life of porn.
  3. bork_gray

    bork_gray Beaker doesn't "bork" like the Chef.

    I don't know, exactly, the answer to your question. I am not sure, either way. My addictive personality problems stem from some very specific brain-trauma type experiences, and some other very specific diagnosable conditions, which may or may not be germane to this discussion. In general I'd say, my acting out was on the basis of long-standing chemical and physical in-the-brain imbalances. Of course, I could be rationalizing after the fact, or somehow giving myself more credit (or less) than I might actually deserve (as is always the case with any of this kind of self-scrutiny) but ... if I really had to be honest and just tell you what my deepest, intrinsic APPREHENSION or SENSATION of the answer to the question is, then I'd have to answer ... to the question "Was porn or jerking-off addiction driving your strip-club addiction?" the answer "No." I would have gotten hooked to strip-clubs whether or not I was masturbating or whether or not I was looking at pornography. At least, in the sense of what was driving the addictive behaviors (although it is probably also true that access to porn might have been a contributor to suggesting to me the viability of attending at strip-clubs, of course).

    I can't prove it. But answering "Yes" doesn't feel right. I know that there are a lot of connected, intertwined issues in all of these questions, so I'm not really happy with the idea of answering as though any one issue can be extricated from any of the others. Nevertheless, it really SEEMS or FEELS or SMELLS right to say, that my recourse to adult-services, to strip-clubs, to prostitutes, was all about an addiction for ACTUAL sexual services. Whereas, any pornography addiction, or any action in terms of addictive masturbation or the brain-chemicals that come from masturbation and create and foster further later addictive behaviors, to me, were mostly un-related to the adult-services addictions that I experienced. The "lightweight" actions in porn and masturbation didn't fuel or lead to the "heavyweight" actions in adult-services, strip-clubs, and the like. Rather, the strip-club was a necessary (addictive, desired, call-it-what-you-will) action, because I had a set of mental attitudes and responses (many of them were VERY misguided! I don't defend them now!) which drove me to those things. Some of the mental attitudes might also have driven me toward masturbation or toward pornography, perhaps in parallel, but that's independent of whether or not I was also driven toward strip-clubs and prostitution.

    As to your own situation, I would suggest (though I of course don't KNOW) that you might look into why you felt it necessary to have multiple girlfriends at all. Isn't it kind-of the case that sexual activity is itself an addictive behavior (the anecdotes in the basic information at YB-on-porn about the hamsters tell the story of poor little over-stimulated male hamsters who go into the gluttony-phase of brain chemicals because of too much access to sexual release with female hamsters). It provides positive endorphins, sex does. So, if you're having it with a LOT of women, then your behaviors are already partially outside the norm of human behavior. It's not illegal to be utterly sexy to all human females; but it's odd. So, if you can pick up multiple sexual partners who consent to, and desire, having sex with you, then there's something novel and different about you. I don't mean that difference itself is WRONG; but you ought to at least LOOK AT the possibility that you are different because of something else that might be wrong.

    As for me, yes, I also felt at the time that I "had to" have a lot of sexual release. Because I didn't have either the courage or the inter-personal social skills or something else like that, to develop relationships with civilian women who would consent to "normal" sex with me, I ended up demanding sexual access from my life by going to people who WOULD allow me to have sex with them, and those people were, inevitably paid-for-sex providers. Prostitutes. It makes sense to me, from this vantage, that your multiple-partner history and mine are actually quite similar. I boned many women, always telling myself, "But I GOTTA I GOTTA and who ARE THEY to tell me NO?" It was classic addictive self-excuses, of course, I don't defend that reasoning now (it's not even REASONING, it's just CONCLUDING without the reasons!) but that was how it felt to me at the time. It felt like, "Hey, they're denying water to a man who is dying of thirst! Of COURSE I'll go get a drink somewhere, I HAVE TO have a drink."

    I understand your personal worry that you might backslide into some kind of addictive behaviors or other acting-out behaviors. If you no longer have a girlfriend who acquiesces adequately to your sexual "needs," then you will feel a growing need to fulfill that sexual desire elsewhere. Well, that may indeed be where your emotions and your desires tend toward, of course. Yes it can happen. But having desires that do that sort of thing, is tantamount to having desires that CONTROL you. They seem, in these descriptions, to be unavoidable consequences of the fact of having been born. They're described as forces from the outside of your body, acting on you without your ability to modify or control them. The sexual desire resides somewhere beyond your reckoning, it arrives and turns a lever or pushes a button on a control-panel that you've never been allowed to access, and suddenly your feelings, your internal states, are changed from what they once were, into something that you cannot but respond to. Suddenly you have a boner! Suddenly you must fuck!

    That's a perception of drives which is problematic for anyone recovering from addiction, I think. I can't say that it's easy or even possible to change your attitude toward the human (male heterosexual) sex drive simply by wishing to change your attitude. I don't exactly know that I have, or have not, changed MY attitude toward it. But I WANT to have a different perception of my sexuality. I WANT to perceive myself as someone who can CHOOSE whether or not to become horny. Not just, choose whether or not to ACT on the BASIS of existing horniness, but to choose whether or not to allow horniness to develop in the first place. And the way you do that, as far as I know, starts with no longer giving your emotions the credit of living outside your own control. Every inner state, every emotional response, is a choice. Even sexual desire. And so, it doesn't reside elsewhere, secretly sneak in and flip a switch on your otherwise inaccessible control panel, and exert control OVER you.

    I don't always get there, of course. Nobody does. But it's a better starting point, a better attitude, I think.

    From there, you then can move to the idea of choosing not to need extra numerous sex partners. And that means, that you then choose not to backslide, whenever you start to lack partners in your life. For me, I always lacked partners in my life. Partly, that was because I was a prototypical "nice guy," the fellow who allowed women to treat him like a door-mat in order not to offend them. So, generally, the younger women felt more comfortable with no-strings-attached-sex with men who were bigger "jerks" than me, I would still woo the women with chocolates and valentines flowers, you know the story, but only in longer-term committed relationships with rather timid and inexperienced girls did I ever get to the point of actual regular sexual activity such that I got ENOUGH during any given week. That was partly society's fault, for its hypocrisy about nice-guy behavior; partly due to a historical blip in the development of young women and their role models from the 1950s (and before) ideal and role models, to the 1970s (and after) ideal and role models, in which a lot of young people simply got the idiotic idea that being negative to boys was feminine; but it was also very much due to MY OWN willingness to participate in that charade. Whatever degree of PARTICIPATION I had, I must own and therefore admit to and therefore live down. That's the only way for me to move forward.

    I wish I had managed to get multiple sexual partners. To have a few swingin' years in my life. To, basically, fuck myself out. I recall that it was not until I was 40 years old, that I was dating a woman who admitted to enjoying sex, who kind-of talked about how it could be difficult to have a relationship with only one man because it was natural to her to have a sometimes-roving eye toward other men, and who therefore understood that the biological function of (as we put it) EMPTYING THE OTHERWISE LOADED GUN was an absolute necessity for any partner (male or female) to provide for the other partner. She was cool. (Maybe shoulda stayed with her? Other issues ...) That was the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE that I actually got ENOUGH sex, to the point that I could genuinely and honestly say to her, "No, I really have had enough sex, and it's great that you're willing, but it is actually true that I would rather talk to you instead of fucking you again." I had always liked talking with girlfriends and with non-amorous female friends, but I had never gotten enough sex to be able to pay attention. They wouldn't fuck me; therefore I was incapable of actually wanting to talk, until after I had gotten the gun unloaded. This devious detrimental cycle was finally alleviated when in my 40th year a woman, first ever in my life, actually stated honest facts instead of trying to manipulate me with the whole Carrie-Bradshaw-act, girls-are-inept-so-fuck-me-yes-fuck-me-no game. Which I simply did NOT understand. Why did I attract, or feel attracted to, such women? That's the part I must own and live down and thus move forward from.

    Consequently, it sounds to me like you may be (a) in a better position than I was, because you aren't resentful of the LACK of sexual access; but also (b) in a similar position to the one I was in, because you are perhaps still allowing sexual "need" to feel like an "external" stimulus that acts UPON you without your consent or control, and you are seeking the external validation of fulfilling that stimulus for the sake of having sex whenever you want it, rather than seeking the internal validation of creating the stimulus for yourself only when you rationally want to create it.

    I guess that's a lot to say, I sympathize. If you're worried, that a girlfriend may break up or go on a long trip and suddenly you'll be without sexual release and it won't be your own dang fault that she left you in the lurch, and you'll backslide to porn, strip-clubs, prostitutes, then I sympathize. I know what you mean. When that desire is FORCED UPON YOU by OTHER PEOPLE, it's very difficult, and very galling, to then be required to go about taking responsibility for your fact of feeling the desire and for your fact of learning not to act on the desire. They wave the steak under your nose; they advertise the steak; they WANT the dog to salivate over the steak; and then they criminalize you if you DO say you want the steak, or if you DON'T say it; and then the only people they give the steak to, so it seems, are the people who don't really need any because they've already gotten tons of it. What a scam! What a horrible way to have to live, always salivating for steak and yet never being allowed to eat an adequate meal!

    I hate all that. The cycle kills me. It angers me, it ruins my capacity for decent relationships (of the non-amorous, or of the amorous, types) with attractive women. I don't CHOOSE the boner which arises when I see a hot chick in scanty clothes, and I don't CHOOSE the anger which testosterone WILL create within me if my boner doesn't get sucked by the hot chick by the end of the night, and I don't CHOOSE for HER to be frivolous, flighty, irrational, and (above all) capricious about whether or not she will approve of me or not, and therefore also capricious about whether or not she really did or did not want me to get a boner (or whether she would or would not allow me to fuck her with it) in the first place. I don't choose ANY of that. But the court system, the marriage system, the porn system, the internet system, the advertising system, the marriage system, the dating system, the business system, the money system ... they ALL hold ME responsible for those choices. I made no choice what so ever in the matter, but I'm responsible for having made those choices.

    This is why, for me, moving FORWARD and BEYOND that, is ABSOLUTELY necessary. I cannot possibly live WITHIN that cycle. I cannot just learn a few skills -- how to pick up a willing sex partner; how to perhaps get several partners; or, how to be satisfied with one or another less-than-appealing woman as "fuck buddy" merely in order to get my rocks off, just learn to look beyond her ugly face so that you can bone her, get the testosterone gone, and therefore not get started with the anger and frustration. I don't WANT to cooperate with that hideous set of systems. Sure, maybe I could learn. In fact, I did learn one coping mechanism -- it's called prostitution. I allowed myself to pay for sex. That ruined my self esteem for about two decades. I won't choose that, again, either.
  4. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Thanks for the long and detailed reply, Bork. I don't think I'm worried that not getting enough from my girlfriend would ever send me back to porn, it's just that the enjoyable past time of getting the girl is strong with me.

    It's not just the sex, it's getting a girl to like you and then getting her to like the sex, I guess it's for the ego. It's conquering new prospects, putting notches in the belt.

    I'm not certain that there's anything wrong with that, or that I could turn it off (I'm sure as hell going to find out). I do know that I'm still flatlining and that some day very soon my libido will be back and then I'm going to have to decide whether I will be the guy that can completely turn off his favorite past time or not. I still feel it's a bit unnatural...what I don't know is who am I without my active addiction?

    I have control over my drives, and I'm not so addicted that I would ever NEED to go out and pick up a girl, I just enjoy it. If presented with certain situations I don't know if I would say no. I will find out soon my answers, because I'm never going back to artificial sex.
  5. bork_gray

    bork_gray Beaker doesn't "bork" like the Chef.

    I see, now, that I kind-of misread the intent of your first post up there, so that I wound up talking about issues only tangential to your inquiry. Well, no biggie, either way it's helpful to write it all out. I am sure that halfway through that longer previous post of mine, I realized that I was probably writing it more for my own benefit than for anyone else's anyway. :)

    I'm glad for you, that you like going out and making people like you. I wish I could get to the same point for myself. I wonder why we have such diametrically opposite world-views on hat subject? There must have been something in my life which led me down one path, you down another. I think yours is a much more sane, normal, human point of view ... though there are always some small advantages to every point of view, yours just rings more like "what we're supposed to be" to me.

    Then again, I have just used the words "supposed" and "normal", both of which are problematic to the core!
  6. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    There are many different "pits of hell", Bork. And there's definitely no normal that I know about!
    Thanks for taking the time for me. :)
  7. tommycheadle

    tommycheadle It's time

    We're on different pages in terms of our experiences in the past - but I recognize a good deal of the mindset you detail here Bork.
    I wonder if I'm getting a bit old for all of this now. I feel as though the urges in the past month have almost gone for 'shit or bust' - and ended up revealing a bit too much about themselves. It doesn't seem as glittering as once it all did.
    Ask me next week. ::)
  8. bork_gray

    bork_gray Beaker doesn't "bork" like the Chef.

    Hi all ...

    It's been a while since I've been here at my journal at YBR. So I'm just making a quick check-in for the holidays, to let people know I haven't evaporated.

    Main news is, my reboot is still successful. My mandatory life change, in which I insist on never ever going into another adult-oriented business establishment, has so far been 100% obeyed and followed. The counter built into my signature tells me that today is ...

    960 days

    ... not quite 3 years, not quite 1000 days, but it's still pretty good. I intend to make it to 10,000, then 100,000 days (if I live that long). I admit that at certain times for various reasons I do feel the old temptations, or I do sort of notice myself sliding into the more temptation-prone mind-sets. So, I just use my trigger knowledge, any self-management skills I might have, a few distractions, and so far so good.

    Well, happy holidays to the lot of you. I don't have much energy to investigate other people's threads, so I can't say that I'm up on what's been developing. Just wanted to add an end-of-year hello here, since this journal thread has been rather neglected for a while.

    Ciao to all! Best wishes in every reboot and change in your lives. :)
  9. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Glad to hear that you're still doing so well, buddy!
  10. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Congrates on (nearly) 1000 days.

    I dropped a movie DVD in the return slot at the library today and had a flashback of returning a porn movie VHS at the adult book store… feelings of mixed excitement and fear. This doesn't usually happen.

    Happy New Year!
  11. bork_gray

    bork_gray Beaker doesn't "bork" like the Chef.

    Say, ASG ... I notice that you're getting nearly exactly to your goal (New Year's 2015, that's in 10 hours in my time zone right now). I hope you'll name a new SPECIFIC and VERIFIABLE goal rather than just the "and beyond" which is mentioned in your signature ... just a suggestion. ;)

    Thanks for your support and responses, guys. Happy New Year.
  12. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Working on that right now. 2 more hours to go...
  13. bork_gray

    bork_gray Beaker doesn't "bork" like the Chef.

    Wow, this past few weeks I turned ... gasp! ... fifty years old. I don't really FEEL like I'm fifty. I'm gratified to say that several more distant acquaintances have looked genuinely surprised to learn my digital age, a surprise they claim was based on their otherwise assumptions, which they further claim they had based on my attitudes and appearance, though of course they could be TOTALLY LYING TO BE NICE TO ME but I choose to believe otherwise. The scariest thing about fifty seems, right now, to be the fact that it's only a decade away from sixty, and to me sixty years old seems (again, right now, SEEMS, totally subjectively) to be really really over the hill beyond repair and well nigh gone. I never really felt that negative about any associations I had with the term and digit "fifty." That was ... uh ... I dunno, normal. But "sixty"? Wow. Gross. Frightening.

    Of course I don't MEAN that the number represents something gross or frightening (fifty, or sixty, for that matter), I just mean that I have these odd assumptions, based no doubt on not only our youth-obsessed culture, but also on ... well, some scientific fact, some hysteria which I allow to grow around the notion of getting old, some other stuff. Ya know. Assumptions, associations.

    So, I'm now fifty years old. And I'm kind of trying to work up some gumption to be afraid of that number. I recently wrote some friends with whom I share very deep personal revelations, a Christmas-card type email in which I expounded on the fact that I am now insisting on something like this: "This year, it's going to be DIFFERENT! No more frittering about. No more internet solitaire. No more web bulletin boards that totally waste my time! Less Facebook, more becoming rich and famous -- in the way I WANT to, of course, and when it doesn't interfere with decent behaviors toward other people, of course, but when I DO get free time to do some thing productive, BY JOVE that something is going to be PRODUCTIVE from now on out." Or so I said.

    But here I am posting to a web board. I thought this year was going to be different. :(

    I guess in a lot of ways it already is. I'm less than a month away from 1000 days completed on the reboot in which I NEVER EVER EVER AGAIN go to an adult-oriented business. (And at 1000, if I do hit it ... scratch that ... when I do hit it, of course I'm going to instantly ratchet the goal upwards, of course, so that it's a never rather than a done now). In the past decade I've quit trying to be a successful office employee (a.k.a. everyone else's little Asok intern type) and gone ahead and admitted I hate offices in North America in the latter portion of the Twentieth Century and the earliest portion of the Twenty-First Century. Hate 'em. Cubicles? Just say no. And I've gotten an advanced degree from a pretty high-falutin' school, a law degree; and I've passed the very difficult bar exams to become admitted as an attorney in two of the States of the USA, two of the exams which statistically (and factually, I like to say) are really among the top five most difficult out there. I've got the bar licenses, I'm for real an attorney, what's more it's in a Civil Law jurisdiction and a Common Law jurisdiction, so I span the gamut. I've pretty much quit drinking, although not a tea-total-er, just someone who doesn't NEED to be WASTED every weekend any more. I'm running (two days on, one day off, usually, unless I choose to extend the two to three or however many more I want) and maybe I'll set up some longer-term goals on that subject. I got a better diagnosis of my type of asthma, which now allows me to conquer it a little better ... scratch that ... manage it a little better whenever I'm exercising now, and that gives me a sense of progress. No debt to speak of (just paid off a credit card, and I think another $35 bucks is due on another one, total). No dependents (though I do look in on my parents, who are in their late seventies, and they'll become slowly more dependent probably, but I'm tickled pink to still have them). No children. No wives. No ex-wives. No girlfriends (and for now, I like it that way!). Not even a pet to worry about (kinda lonely, though). No addictions (cf. alcohol, above) and never really tried any of the hard stuff (did the weed-smoke thing in The Netherlands once, hated it; and I think someone gave me some Ecstasy or whatever, maybe Acid? LSD? once, didn't like it, and that's been about 25 years ago now so it's not like I've been in a drug-culture state of mind!). No criminal record. No ongoing problems that can't be solved with a few monthly visits to a decent counselor. Not attending adult businesses (ever again!) -- this includes strip clubs, those adult toy stores where they sell videos and CD-DVDs and dildos and dongs and so on, and prostitution, and massage parlors, and all that other questionable realm of business. None of it, ever again, thanks.

    All of this seems pretty good.

    But, no girlfriend, no job, no income, no place of my own, no real prospects of getting out of the rut in which I just live in mom and dad's guest room and ... well ... I don't really MIND. I meditate about material wealth and decide I don't want it. Zen makes the desires go away. I think about girlfriends and I look at my pal (let's call him) Bill, who just got a 40-year-old lady knocked up. Pregnant, ya know. They are an on-again-off-again couple, basically two 40-somethings who have a friends-with-benefits relationship. Well, she got pregnant accidentally (I do believe them, that she and he both had not planned on a baby, had taken all precautions, but DOH! happened anyway). The woman had always wanted a baby. She decided to keep it. That's nice. She'll raise it, she's already had it and they're all healthy and it looks like there's going to be a balanced decent home life for the little one, no complains. But now (let's call him) Fred's life is turned upside-down. He's like, "Whoa crud, I'm a dad! I have to be responsible!" and he's also like, "Whoa crud, I can't BELIEVE she forced a CHILD onto me! I am going to go get drunk and sleep with strangers just to prove to myself that I'm still capable of partying as though I'm not a dad!" And I say, wow, who wants a girlfriend? Wow, I'm SO glad I never had a friends-with-benefits relationship with anyone, if THAT'S what it entails.

    This is an act of defiance on my part, of resistance. "You think I'm a normal human with normal emotions world, do you? Hunh, world, do you think so? Well I'LL SHOW YOU just how wrong you are!" And so I resist emotional attachment -- or involvement of any sort, in fact. I just don't get to know people. I'm smart enough and together enough to be attractive to SOMEONE, I'm sure ... no lack of confidence there ... but I certainly don't make it possible for even the least desirably most desperate of people to wheedle into my life. I just walk on home from the party, early, and read a nice book, and go to bed. It's serene and sane, but it's also avoidance and loneliness and it ALWAYS HAS BEEN. It's what drove me to porn when I was a wee tyke (let's not go into the details), this sense of inadequacy around women who were desired by me, women who were desirable in any sense to me. I just "knew" they didn't want to be with me. Now, thanks to selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors, I no longer crave the sexual congress that I used to so so so desperately crave and just as desperately resent the absence of. ("Women! They like to say no just to make us frustrated, even if it makes THEM frustrated and unhappy too! All they want to do is cause men HARM and TROUBLE!" I'd get angry, I'd pontificate, I'd explain it all to myself. Wrongly, usually, but explain explain talk talk talk mull it over none the less.) I got really angry about not getting the sex I thought I deserved (the human contact, even WITHOUT sexual interaction I was desperate for) and, ya know, went the porn-addict route. Which escalated into the adult-services-addict route, as explained.

    So here I am rebooted / rebooting from that addiction, and that's good. But just because I've given up the toxic substance doesn't mean that I've also added back into my life something more wholesome. Sure, I'm not drinking the alcohol much any more; but what about some cool water? Naw, I'm just not ingesting ANY liquids at all. (That's a metaphor, not a factual statement.)

    Harrumph. Progress by half steps. Loneliness. And a cricket-score for an age. Harrumph indeed.
  14. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Solid progress, brother. You've got a whole half a life more to go, so make sure you do with it exactly what you want. If it isn't exactly what you want then don't bother with it. That is my advice at 42 years old, my highest wisdom.
  15. bork_gray

    bork_gray Beaker doesn't "bork" like the Chef.

    Thanks for your comments. I was feelin' grumpy, wasn't I? Well, I don't feel SO grumpy now, but still ...

    You're right, of course. Nice of you to say those things, and they're right, of course, and yet ... ya know ... you know what I mean, it's just sometimes hard to kick the feeling of being downtrodden, the internal belief that you've (or, that I'VE) simply lost a lot of time at stupid backwards pursuits. It's a stuck feeling.

    Been going for runs. That kind of improves it. :)
  16. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Yeah, you absolutely have to forgive your past to move on, otherwise you get stuck! Runs will help a lot. :)
  17. bork_gray

    bork_gray Beaker doesn't "bork" like the Chef.

    Well, I passed the one thousand days mark recently, didn't even know I'd done so. Today is day


    since I last attended any form of adult business or establishment. By my math the thousandth day was February 2, the Tuesday before Mardi Gras. I probably was doing something interesting, I guess ... Actually, looking over my calendar I see, that I had a lot of good client work on the subsequent Wednesday, so I was probably mired deeply in preparation for that. I don't often have good client work to do, so I was probably feeling overwhelmed, but in a good and productive sort of way, at the time.

    The reboot is still continuing successfully. I haven't even considered attending a strip club, or a massage parlor, or an adult magazine rack, or the "stroll" strip of the street where street-walking prostitutes ply their trade, or anything else that tends toward selling or offering adult services, not since May of 2013. My counter indicates the days since. It's intended to be a PERMANENT change. This isn't a reboot type thing where I go, "Whew, I made it to one thousand! So now the reboot is over! I'm so impressed with myself for having DONE THAT thing where I avoided the temptation, having DONE the avoidance in the PAST." Rather, this reboot is a type thing where I go, "Nope, never again. My avoidance DID take place in the PAST, and also WILL take place in the FUTURE, forever and ever." Therefore, since I have gotten over one thousand days, I now make my next goal two thousand. That's only 990 days from now ... and at that point I'll just go for five thousand or some such, I guess. It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings, and she ain't singin' 'til it's over my dead body. Literally. Just a little gallows humor fer ya' ... :)

    Also, Mardi Gras has been weathered successfully, as this town and that celebration are always a little bit of a temptation to indulge in something untoward. I knew it was coming. I didn't really feel much temptation. But the risk, the potential risk, is always a bit bigger in the back of my head, when everyone around me is indulging in their own pet fantasies and addictions a little bit more than usual.

    So, y'all be good now, y'hear? It's the first Lenten Friday, and we had good catfish from St. Benny the Mo' here ...
  18. bork_gray

    bork_gray Beaker doesn't "bork" like the Chef.

    Day 1035

    foreverness reboot still going successfully ;D

    my knees hurt so much that I can't run much any more :mad:

    got little else to say ::)
  19. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!


    I blew out my Achilles' Tendon running marathons. The primary reason I ran marathons was to avoid PMO.

    I stopped drinking to aid in stopping PMO. Getting off booze made me much healthier physically, and therefore, this 55 year old is frequently popping a wood. Popping a wood makes me want to PMO. Catch 22?

    God has an excellent sense of humor.

    There is a God, and it's not me.

  20. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Thank God for no impact aerobic machines.

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