Gray Bork's THIRD and FOREVER Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by bork_gray, Nov 12, 2013.

  1. bork_gray

    bork_gray Beaker doesn't "bork" like the Chef.

    Still goin' strong, I guess. Kinda not much to report. Did some successful family genealogy searches over the past weekend. I could write a bit more about my experience with upping my Adderall dosage, but right now I'm on my way out of the house to see my counselor, so maybe I'll sit down and write that stuff up later tonight. Ciao!
     
  2. Lightning Man

    Lightning Man New Member

    Sometimes no news is the best news. Keep on going, Gray Bork.
     
  3. bork_gray

    bork_gray Beaker doesn't "bork" like the Chef.

    Yeah whee! Forgot to journal-ize here about my Adderall dosage, now it's not very interesting to me. For a while I was all fascinated with my own brain intake but now I'm like ... meh ... wuddever. Anyway, again not much to report. Am properly taking ALL my pills rather than accidentally on purpose remembering to forget to take some of them, as I had been doing. So I'm a good boy on that again. And I've successfully been a good boy for this many days ...

    Umm ... what's wrong with my counter? I have two counters in my .sig but one of them seems scrood up? :(

    Weird I'm supposed to have a counter for how long I've been eschewing Porn and another for Adult Services outlets. But only one of them seems to appear properly. Hmm.
     
  4. bork_gray

    bork_gray Beaker doesn't "bork" like the Chef.

    OK so the other counter is screwed up, so I'm just deleting it. Can't figger it out ...
     
  5. Sidd

    Sidd Guest

    Just read your journal,or most of it. Interesting, inspiring and amusing. I will read with interest your unfolding story.
     
  6. bork_gray

    bork_gray Beaker doesn't "bork" like the Chef.

    Hello to all. I'm two days after 550 days, since I last attended an adult-oriented business for any reason. This is pretty good. The next milestone after that will be two years, and then things stretch out slowly. I guess I could start marking the 50s and 25s, or the half-years and quarters, and if things start to get bad again then I will come back here, micro-manage my membership and my counter, and do just that. But for now, I'm happy to be sliding toward a more regular and unaware, habitual, view of non-adult-business lifestyle. It's becoming natural to not go to the strip club. I have other things to do with my time, I have other ways to get out of the house, I have better outlets for my frustration unhappiness sexual-desirefulness and all that other stuff. And I have better control over my trigger points and my habits, or at least, better awareness of what they are, and better awareness is perhaps the majority part of better control.

    So, today is

    day Five Hundred Fifty Two

    since last I patronized an adult business and therefore I am still on the wagon. Hope everyone had a great Hallowe'en and is going to have a great Thanksgiving. All Christmas messages must wait until after December 5 or they will be deleted. :)
     
  7. Lightning Man

    Lightning Man New Member

    Congratulations on making it to 552.
     
  8. bork_gray

    bork_gray Beaker doesn't "bork" like the Chef.

    So the holidays are upon us, and the sinus infections as well. I don't know what it is, but the fact that my sleep cycle is gone crazy crazy with the inability to breathe at night, means that I am thinking some more about the strip clubs and the other old addictions. My temptations have come back a bit. I feel strong enough to resist them -- they are about a 2 or 2.5 out of a possible 10, so they still feel rather weak, but I don't want them to start snowballing! Consequently, when I realized I was having "feelings" of temptation, I came on the web board here to write it down right away.

    I haven't patronized an adult business, and I don't intend to. Time free during the holidays will be a different and new concern, a way which the temptations might slip in unnoticed, because I don't have a familiar regular daily schedule as much as I usually do. Nevertheless, so far so good.

    Day 588
     
  9. bork_gray

    bork_gray Beaker doesn't "bork" like the Chef.

    Howdy again! Haven't heard back from very many people in a long long while. Hope you are all doing well. I personally haven't been back to YBR for about two months now, since before the holidays (IIRC). Things are going fine for me, though, so I can't say I've "needed" to be here desperately.

    1. I'm still using porn when and if I choose. I have a small interest in it, to the point of negligible, but I do not DENY myself porn at all. My reboot is about SEX SERVICES instead of about porn specifically. Although porn may be related, the goal for me has been to successfully eschew all sex-related businesses and services forever.

    2. I have so far succeeded. Still on the wagon. :)

    DAY 660

    Today is day 660 since I last attended an adult-oriented or sex-oriented business -- I went into a strip club 660 days ago, roughly 1.75 years ago. On that occasion I did not "partake" but just did simple non-sexual things like pay my outstanding bill and return my VIP card. I did not get a lap-dance, did not chitty-chat with the semi-naked service-oriented professionals in the establishment, or otherwise be a "customer." My last "customer" experience was about 100 days before that (I can look it up, but I don't remember the date off-hand). Since then I have not been inside a strip club, have not gone driving at night down the old prostitute strolls where there are probably street-walkers currently congregating, have not gone on the internet to find call-girls, and generally have not patronized any adult-oriented legal or illegal sexual business. This was the plan, and that is good. Consequently, it's fair to say that I have had 660 days of right good and true abstention.

    Otherwise I have very little to report. My use of porn comes and goes. I might at a later date decide to eliminate it out of my life, perhaps permanently or perhaps just as an exercise in self-control for, say, 100 days, or something like that. I don't really feel that the mental focus necessary is with me right now; there's a lot going on in my life, though most of it not too stressful, just generally busy busy; so, I am not presently planning on establishing a no-porn reboot any time soon. I realize this makes me somewhat an odd duck on this web-board, but it's so far working for me, so, ya know ... I dunno.

    My interest in meditation has increased somewhat over the past few months since the holidays. I do some yoga and a lot of meditative mental exercises. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I do it anyway, and when I "get it right" I do feel a benefit. I'm thinking about attending a retreat of some sort, maybe a Buddhist one that helps me learn a bit more about "how" to meditate (if there is a "how" at all ... ?); or maybe I'll just start going to a more mentally oriented, less physical yoga session at the local YMCA or something. I know people in my art classes who teach yoga, they can direct me.

    Over the holidays I gained weight, gee what a surprise, but now have changed my medication a little bit. I take two different pills for ADHD, and I think the latest manifestation of my stimulant will probably cause me to develop a little hyper-focus and forgetfulness about eating, as does almost any early bout of stimulant intake. So, I suspect I can manage to get the weight off of me. I don't really mind. For the first time in my life I don't check myself out in the mirror just to double-check that my abs are awesomely manly ... this confidence in the "Me that I already am" (rather than a need to be "the better version of Me that I can imagine") probably is a major outgrowth of my successful (so far) elimination of the adult-oriented businesses, which used to control me like an addiction.

    But! It just AIN'T WORKIN' for me ...

    The sadness, as I have reported many times in this journal -- regretfulness, about lost time, lost opportunities; failure to DO anything about it, except mope around and be unhappy -- still plagues me. And it used to plague me even when I was in the midst of my worst behavior, acting-out and going to adult-oriented businesses quite often, succumbing to that addiction. Now, I have strip-clubs, and the like, out of my life, but the change hasn't really fueled any other sort of life change. Minor things. I like my belly a bit more (as mentioned above), and things like that. But I don't have a girlfriend, and really don't have any prospects of seeking one out. I don't want to be 49 years old and still living alone and/or with my parents, who bankroll me (ever so slightly) all the time since I don't really think I can manage to earn my own rent. But here I am. I have some amazing credentials for making a living -- I'm licensed as a lawyer in two States in the USA; I have a Master's in English from an excellent top-notch Ivy-caliber impressive whoop-de-doo institution; but I just don't manage to "fit in" to any office or earnings lifestyle that I can find. I basically am WAITING out my life, and I hate that fact. I am Bartleby, from Melville's short-story "Bartleby the Scrivener: A Story of Wall Street." He just sort of idles about and refuses all responsibility, generally for no good reason, inexplicably. He just states, "I prefer not to." I have "I prefer not to" syndrome. Nothing engages me. I love my art and my harmonica, for example, but not enough that I could ever be a "professional" at them. I like having lawyer licenses, but right now I only have about grand total two clients, and they paid me $500 each over the past 6 months or so, not a living wage, not even really a "job" at all.

    What's with this opting out? I thought conquering the strip-club-type addiction would be a doorway to greater initiative and exuberance and success. I knew I was expending tons of unrequited life energy on that stuff. Now? Now I don't really do ANYTHING. It's been almost two years, but I'm not ... seeing any change? Able to change? Able to START anything? What's the term? I'm unhappy about it, whatever you call it. I always thought I was such a cool guy with so many potential future positive prospects. Now I'm looking back and saying, "Gee, I used to waste a lot of opportunities which would have made me have a better life." But, now that I don't waste them, I still don't take a lot of opportunities, and frankly I don't really understand how to get a better life.

    It's like, I can't START anything. Life moves forward, I am swimming in life, my life is enjoyable in the sense that I like the neighbor's dog, I like walks in the park, I like it when it rains or when it's sunny. I like looking at the clouds. But I meet a hot chick and what happens? Nothing. I get a job interview and what happens? Nothing. I head to the courthouse to pick up random clients and what happens? Nothing. People used to give me the advice that, in order to pick up an attractive girl, I had to GET OUT THERE. They always said "GET OUT THERE" in upper-case, or loud sounds, or boldface, or something. Well, frankly, now I'm OUT THERE but that is only the FIRST step. I don't know the other steps. Meet a pretty girl? She tells me about her boyfriend. See a job I want? In a week I won't want it, and if I do get it, I'll be SO bored and ANGRY and RESENTFUL of it, that I will probably torpedo my chances of success and I'll only last 18 months. This was the syndrome BEFORE I kicked (so far ...) my strip-clubs addiction; but, sadly, this is the syndrome AFTER as well. :(

    Well, at least I have no criminal record, no drug addictions, no major health issues, no car accidents plaguing my insurance bill, no family dependents to support (no wife, no kids, no exes, none), and pretty much no outstanding debt (meh, technically I have about $250 or $500 debt; I do use credit cards regularly, but I always keep up with all the receipts and therefore I always know how much the bill will be, and I always pay the whole bill in full; this month there will be very little, to the point of me being able to cover it straight from the bank account no problem, so, essentially, I'm debt-free, although technically I have a month's roll-over's worth of credit card "debt" that will come due). All of that sounds good. But it isn't making me FEEL good.

    It's certainly not what I WANTED out of life. I just don't GET that question, "what do you want to do with your life?" I don't want to go to an office with it, duh. What do I want? No things, three bags, a free airplane ticket to everywhere, pensione or B&B rooms booked in advance in Rome, Amsterdam, Copenhagen, Berlin, Nairobi, Cairo, Istanbul ... I don't WANT to ever go to an office again. Gee, who does?

    Any thoughts? Your advice appreciated.

    On another subject ...

    Here's an interesting neuro-science article I just noticed, about WHY we "like" pornography. Why does it work? We can't really look at, say, a picture of a juicy chicken and therefore feel less hungry; or a picture of a hot bath and cause ourselves to become less dirty; but we can look at a pornographic picture and somehow therefore experience a rather "real" sexual experience. Weird no? Why can we do that? This guy says that this is because porn short-cuts around certain brain circuits:

    http://motherboard.vice.com/read/neuroscientist-david-linden-explains-porn
    A Neuroscientist Explains Why We Look At Porn, by David J. Linden, February 11, 2015.

    Linden concludes, "If using porn didn’t counteract the cerebellar circuits designed to detect and suppress the sensory consequences of self-motion, it would be much less effective as an aid to masturbation, and it would not have such a prominent role in our cultural and private lives. "
     
  10. bork_gray

    bork_gray Beaker doesn't "bork" like the Chef.

    Wow my last post was over a month ago. It was day 660 but now it's 692, so I'm somehow spending a lot of time not visiting YBR heh oh my ... is that bad? Good? Dunno.

    Well, things for me are kind of fine. I am on a strong period in my life, on lots of fronts. Not ideal, of course, but very positive in this and that. My mental state is good. For that reason I'm setting myself off on another journey, in which I do without porn for a long while. Yeah, usually people are already doing without porn, on this board. But me, usually I'm doing without other things (successfully) and allowing myself porn. For now however, I'm adding porn back to the list.

    Last night I got fed up with the amount of time that I was losing to pornography, the extreme levels of resources I was devoting to it. There were hard-drive secret caches, encrypted folders with elaborate password schemes, and there were user-names at weird joints on the internet where strangers congregate to mutually salivate and masturbate over even stranger images.

    So, today marks day zero of a reboot of Gray Bork's in which he (me!) avoids pornography, masturbation TO pornography, and all things similar. It's already day 692 of a permanent reboot in which Gray Bork avoids all adult services, prostitutes, strip clubs, and so forth.

    I nuked it all. The passwords and user-names are gone (that kind of hurt, some of them were attained only after long persistence in order to work my way into the "secret club" where invitations only were required), the saved files on the hard-drive are all deleted, the cache which was an encrypted drive on the hard drive is entirely deleted, and the extra space on the hard drive which used to be occupied by the encrypted cache which used to hold the saved files is presently being wiped by a three-pass algorithm which wipes clear all free space on your storage media, just to be really obsessive about it.

    I don't receive a lot of replies here on the thread that is "my" journal (and that's OK, no biggie! I find you guys on other threads quite easily, thanks to the "show new replies to your posts" feature up at the top by your user-name). So when I fix up my counter to indicate TWO reboots going on -- right now at 692 for one, and zero for the other -- I think I'll just redirect people here to see why and what for.

    I have a lot of good reasons (of course!) for this plan. And a lot of good reasons for how well my life seems, right now, to be going for me. I won't go into most of them right off the bat, but it will be pleasant to share some of those ideas over the course of the last few days of this month (March) since I seem to be coming up with a little free time during which I'll need to be affixed near a computer for longer periods of waiting and organizing things.

    No adult services or businesses: day 692.
    No porn: starting today, day 0.

    So, looking forward to hearing from you, here or elsethread!
     
  11. bork_gray

    bork_gray Beaker doesn't "bork" like the Chef.

    So, I broke day 700 on the no-adult-services reboot, which I intend to last FOREVER. Pretty glad for that big milestone.

    Milestone? Well, nah, wuddever. For me, it is now getting to where one type of milestone doesn't matter as much to me any more. The ones that are numerically interesting or significant -- 25, 150, 500, numbers with a lot of zeroes on the ends of them -- are sort of seeming ho-hum to me now. It's artificial. If we'd been born with twelve toes instead of ten we'd all be freaking out about the arrival of a gross (what we presently call 144) rather than a decade (what we presently call 100).

    There are some milestones that are still bugging me. The annual ones, and the anniversaries, are becoming a bit harder for me to deal with, by comparison. I didn't realize this fact until I noticed myself, recently, really itching for certain activities. I wondered, "Hey, what triggered THAT?" and I couldn't figure it out for a while. Eventually, though, I worked out that the date was a particular anniversary of a previous particular behavior that was similar, but worked out in terms of school-years rather than in terms of exact annual 365-day cycles. It was the first weekend after Spring Break, this year around, just like four years ago when it was that year's Spring Break, even though Spring Break moves a bit relative to absolute yearly dates. So, my head figured it out, tempted me, and left its reasoning and causation rather secretive and clandestine in hopes of further tempting me more subtly. Tricky ol' bastard, that head of mine!

    Anyway, I resisted. I'm still not going to strip clubs or other adult services, ever again. I'm still doing well on that one.

    Also, I initiated a no-porn reboot, as I mentioned in my previous post in this thread. Not a big whoop for me, like it is for some other guys on these boards maybe. But it still annoyed me a bit, I had the house to myself, I hadn't had sexual release in a week or more, and there I was with the opportunity to really go at it like I wanted. But I chose not to. Good for me, for staying on the reboot! But I had forgotten how the porn used to fill that niche. In its absence, I kind of was at what felt like loose ends. I could either work up my sexual fervor without it, which seemed a bit self-defeating, in order to masturbate without porn; or I could figure out how to work down my sexual fervor and NOT masturbate, all the while thinking (probably) about porn and how much I wanted to look at it and masturbate, and so, even though I didn't look at it, it was still controlling me in a lot of ways. I'd forgotten how annoying it was at the start of a reboot like that, the way porn creates its own expectations of more porn. I am kinda glad, now that I see the extent to which my thoughts had been revolving around it, that I have decided to go on a reboot. I'm at day 10 now, no big issues, as I said, but still, interesting to observe the mental changes and magically evanescent opinions that change subtly throughout the process.

    Which reminds me. Looking back through this thread, my journal as it were, I noticed that I had started a no-porn reboot several posts back. On September 1 I thought I would go without porn for a while. But I didn't follow through on it, I don't think. I believe that's merely because I totally forgot! I don't know, but I feel bad for that. It counts in some ways as an inadvertent and unwanted relapse, the fact that I neglected to stay on that previous reboot. I can't really reconstruct just how long I stayed on it before I began to neglect it, now, in retrospect -- heck, I hadn't even remembered that I had tried to start it, until just today when I was reading back and noticed my own comments about it! So, I hope this time 'round I pay more attention a bit better. If I'm going to relapse, I want to know it ...

    Days 702 & 10
     
  12. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    I've been to a strip club twice in my life. Compared to porn it felt like the hard stuff, cocaine rather than marijuana. Congrats on 700+! Sending positive waves your way.
     
  13. bork_gray

    bork_gray Beaker doesn't "bork" like the Chef.

    Thanks! Nice of you to mention it. I'm glad that the no-adult-businesses reboot is still on proper track ... which is to say, FOREVER. It's a big word, I am sometimes intimidated. But, it's a beautiful day, my soccer team just got a big win in the English Premier League, I'm happy to enjoy Sunday free (so far) of that burdensome addiction.
     
  14. bork_gray

    bork_gray Beaker doesn't "bork" like the Chef.

    Haven't slipped up lately, not on the never-again-to-adult-services plan. I have noticed that other people on the forum have had some minor slip-ups, so I thought I'd mention that I've been THINKING about slipping up. But I'm so far so good. I'll let their slip-ups stand in place of mine! Thanks guys, for the support! I don't mean that snidely or sarcstically, actually; it might sound that way, sorry. I'm glad that the counter-example exists, of people who regret having slipped up in their own reboots. I observe that example and say to myself, "Hey, they didn't like it even when they thought they would like it if they did it, and I won't like it either, so I'm not going to do it." Just part of the function of this community.

    So far so good, I guess ...

    Wow and guess what ... didn't even notice that today is my two-year anniversary. Heh. Must be some kind of psychological effect of serendipity there.
     
  15. 903Days-NoP-NoM

    903Days-NoP-NoM New Member

    Hi Gray Bork,
    Congratulations on your 700+ days of not attending any form of adult business. That is a major accomplishment.

    I do not know your specific behaviors, but in my time of no PMO and no adult businesses, now 2.5 years approximately, I have found that not O'ing and certainly avoiding M and P is a major source of motivation and backbone. By maintaining yourself without the external stimulation and release, there is a well of energy that builds up and moves you forward towards your goals. But only if we listen to positive advice, stay focused, self-develop, and use our newly strong PFC to direct our behavior towards long term goals.

    I think it took me almost 2 years before my PFC really kicked in, but i was highly compulsive and way, way off track. You may not be, though it sounds like you are because you are treading water and not picking a direction and pushing yourself no matter what.
    My recommendation is to make micro movements towards some goals. And about the rejection from women and work, welcome to the new reality of the squeezed economy and the oddball women. I know my ratio for getting women has dropped to a tiny portion of those I engage with, but I love the activity and worry not about the results or lack there of. I cheer my attempts.

    The attitude developed from no PMO for me has been: 1. I am in major league, 1 out of 1000 men type of control over my mind, hence my sexuality. This makes me feel strong internally and thus, appear strong externally.
    2. If I can control my mind for the sex impulse, then I can control it for anything! I want to learn a language by studying daily? Done!
    I want to get stronger and leaner by following a tough workout and diet for three months? Done! Want to make more money by creating products, sending out proposals, getting creative in the market, or trading? Done!
    This is freaking miraculous! I know that engaging in PMO would divorce me from that source of strength and mental focus. This level of mental strength, focus, and self-control is worth more to me than any temporary pleasure.
    3. No PMO has made me direct, bold, brave, and rhino skinned. I want to date a girl that I just talked to, I charge in and talk with her and her boyfriend. Even if I don't get a connection with her, I was in the battle! More often than not, the ladies like the boldness. The same applies in sales and business. Boldness wins. Fapping and boldness are antagonistic.

    I hope that these ideas and benefits impact you. It is guys like you and the others here that helped me to get to a level I never dreamed of.
     
  16. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Fapping and boldness are antagonistic...no doubt. What is PFC though?
     
  17. bork_gray

    bork_gray Beaker doesn't "bork" like the Chef.

    This is a nice post. Thanks for your support! It seems that you've read my journal enough that you realized, that I'm in a bit of a different boat from a lot of other people here on the forums. (I am thinking that you use the acronym "PFC" to mean "porn-free character"? If not, then maybe I'm missing your gist, but it seems to fix with the context. Maybe it's just "pre-frontal cortex" that you mean, since that is the more typical usage. But I like the other one better.)

    Also, I concur with your point of view. I could quibble with some of the specifics -- I guess my main misgiving might be, your prescription for success (as described in your post) is probably mostly well-geared toward addressing your own problems from within your own character, but may not be so applicable to me (or anyone else). I maybe am just not ready for the "balls to the wall" approach, or maybe I am just not ever going to be geared for it. To me, being "in the fray" is a miserable experience, one in which I feel manipulated and controlled by the dominant hegemony of (flawed, faulty, cruelly misandrist) assumptions about sexuality, about the "right" way to play the boy-and-girl or Mars-and-Venus game, and similarly about the "right" way that human relationships are "supposed" to work themselves out. I am much more distant from our culture than to be able to dive into it and participate to the fullest, which is what you seem to be suggesting.

    Not to say, that some day in the future I may develop that degree of vigorous, even vivacious, participation. I'd LIKE to have that degree of enthusiasm for the opportunities of life. I just DON'T. And trying to push myself into that kind of enthusiasm (so I have learned, through painful experience) often drives me to GREATER self-loathing, rather than to greater self-congratulation and self-esteem. My inability to "be all you can be" is not something that I now choose to conquer through direct addressing of it, not something I now hope to over-ride by jumping a hurdle and just flinging more effort and energy into the battle. Rather, I have learned, that I am unable to "be all you can be" mostly because of the societal pressures that seem to REQUIRE me to fling more effort and energy into a battle. I am "all I can be" more often when I act serene, calm, and non-goal-directed; I am happier; I beat myself up MUCH less often over failures, lack of success, inability to take life's opportunities.

    Here's another way of saying it: I have read the books and the internet guides about how to pick up women (for example). And I tried what they suggested. And that made me even MORE unhappy, than just moping around the house not trying. I had thought, after reading the books and so on, that getting out there and going for it -- really being the vigorous type of guy you suggest you are becoming, in your post, for example -- would be the right prescription to make me happier. No. It made things worse. It just reminded me all the more, that I am an outsider and that my attempts at success are inherently bearing out failures one after another.

    So I now gain happiness from rejecting the Tony Robbins view of life. He PUSHES himself (and his cohorts and customers) much too hard. I don't LIKE having to PUSH myself. It makes me miserable.

    Maybe your example is not meant to suggest that I should push myself. In which case, I very much appreciate your enthusiasm, and I wish you well, and in some way I will try to follow in your footsteps whenever I can. Maybe I totally misread your intent. I would love to participate in some of the enthusiasm that you're displaying, especially for the boy-meets-girl game, but also for the make-some-money game, the get-out-of-your-parents'-basement plan, and so forth. I really would like to WANT to do some of those things successfully. But I don't WANT to get involved in those competitions, because they make me miserable. The competitions or the striving activities THEMSELVES are what I hate. I do LIKE getting laid, and I like getting paychecks. But I hate GOING TO WORK EVERY DAY, pretty much as greatly as I hate flirting with hot-looking females.

    So, there's still a kink in my own make-up. I congratulate you on the fact that you have worked out your own kinks. I welcome your advice on my kinks. But I think my kinks are different from your kinks in some way or other, partly because I DISlike the "game" that we all play in some of those situations, the games that you have assumed (so it seems from your post) that we all should like and enjoy quite naturally. Nope. I don't enjoy them, inherently. The participation IN the work is the problem; not the desire to gain success at the end of it. I do desire the success, and I am willing to experience some degree of trade off of negative outgo for positive income over the longer haul (deferred gratification, work for gain, effort now for play later, all of that stuff!). But I'm not able to gain ENTHUSIASM and JOY out of that existence.

    It's still (to me) just a trade-off. Generally, the suggestion is, do those things which you might not want to do, but do them anyway, in order to gain an equal exchange by means of doing them, because at the end you can gain the things which you do want to gain. Well, to me, that just means you're still even. You did some negatives, you gained some positives, they were equal in each direction. You started at zero, then went down 10 and then back up 10. YOU'RE STILL AT ZERO. (And with today's economy, and today's hot chicks, you're more likely at a mild negative, because it's a buyer's market for labor and for male partnership both.) I don't want a world-view that leaves me at even (or below). Come up with some advice that's win-win. :)
     
  18. 903Days-NoP-NoM

    903Days-NoP-NoM New Member

    Interesting approach Gray Bork.

    At least you know where you stand and where you want to continue to stand, exist, and set your effort level to. As long as you are happy with the results of your attitude and thought behind it I will wish you well.

    My experience of going through many miserable periods to get over the fear, the embarrassment, the loneliness, the skill gap, the delay in positive responses, the lack of accomplishment, the physical pain, and other unpleasantries before any achievement showed that this is part of the process. I got my ribs busted, toes broken, and ego destroyed on my way to a Kenpo Blackbelt. I hated every minute of engineering school, but wanted to make things. I ended up loving the travel, the responsibility, and the high pay of being a project engineer. I hated not PMO'ing, wanted to with every fiber of my being, but now love the freedom from the lower brain and joy of living in the higher mind. The price must be paid. No one cares if I do not pay the price of putting in effort and sink to dependency on some form of assistance. All others will do is think I am pathetic. No one was going to save me, my bank account, or my sense of self-worth. I had to gut it out and get through miserable periods. Once past the dark zone, the general brightness on the other side was everything I thought it would be.
    You have loads of grit and determination in you if you choose to reignite it. You have the mind and the degrees showing discipline. You only need to get realistic with your attitude of bypassing the price and just enjoying the benefits. Takes 5 years to plant, fertilize, and care for most trees before they bear fruit. This is the way of life, like it or not.

    I can definitely relate to not wanting to go to work, or being disinterested in a lot of activities. It turns out that laziness and avoidance was the addicted, blown out PreFrontalCortex talking. Now that I am much clearer, my interest level in working, achieving, and learning sometimes shocks me. I hope the same occurs for you when you have a few months or years of no PMO behind you.
     
  19. bork_gray

    bork_gray Beaker doesn't "bork" like the Chef.

    Yeah THANKS and, I git ya. I have been through the deferred-gratification thing just as you have -- Law School and studying for bar exams are both pretty good examples. You want the latter reward, you work formerly for it, eventually you can get it. I didn't mean to characterize myself as resistant to ALL investment of time, energy, effort, in the future.

    Looking forward to yet another PFC ... :)
     
  20. bork_gray

    bork_gray Beaker doesn't "bork" like the Chef.

    Just joined a creativity support group. We'll follow the program in one of Julia Cameron's books. Doesn't have much to do with anti-PMO rebooting, but it will give my week and my creative urges a bit more structure. It's a 12-week set of exercises, meet once a week, read the next chapter, that kind of thing. Plus, you have to write 3 pages long-hand in a journal EVERY SINGLE MORNING about "where you're at" in your life. I am not so sure I can come up with that much ...
     

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