Gotta get out f this place....

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Damo53, May 15, 2012.

  1. Damo53

    Damo53 New Member

    I'm 39 years old, I started with PMO when I was about 8-9, not sure it's been a long time. Started with magazines I found and then moved onto videos, probably the last 10 years or more it's been internet sites.

    I normally give things like this a wide berth just that I tried a reboot recently and got to about 2 months and then slipped and 6 weeks later I'm starting again. Doing this is a different approach for me and I think that is what is needed.

    A little bit about how I got to the point of re-booting well I had yet again fallen into a relationship with a woman and yet again I was having difficulty with the sex I was getting ED during sex and also I couldn't O, unless I had primed myself with watching P. I knew something was wrong and was thinking that it was all sorts of thing age, her etc. I'd also found that the only porn that worked for me was tranny porn, so I had this nagging doubt that I must in someway be gay.

    She was pretty switched on and had noticed that something was wrong. The usual excuse that I had rolled out in the past in these situations just didn't seem to wash and sounded hollow even to me. SO.. I did something different I admitted to her that I had a massive problem with porn, That was the first time that I had admitted to anyone that I had a problem.

    This was a pretty positive step for me and thankfully she didn't freak out and was pretty understanding, through this first step I went on an internet search for any info on porn addiction. I had previously looked and always came up against some hoodo quasi religious stuff. This always gave me the judders, then I found your brain on porn that was the best thing ever. I knew a lot about neuro plasticity anyway and hadn't made the link.

    The biggest relief for me off the bat was that I understood what was going on in me chemically, I wasn't some kind of degenerate, I wasn't gay in waiting the tranny porn was just a symptom. All of this spelt relief for me, I finally had some kind of mental peace that I had been seeking for a long time.

    So here I am going again reboot day one.......

    Some things about me, my childhood was by many considered difficult, mentally ill parent poverty stricken. I spent a lot of time in children s homes till I was 16 then I lived in a place of my own. To some that may seem hard for me I know a lot of people had it a lot worse. I was lucky I was gifted with a good level of latent intelligence and made the best of everything that came my way in life. The only thing that I picked up along the way that I dislike is my porn habit. That may have come out of the emotionally bereft childhood I don't know. I don't spend a lot of time regressing and thinking about things, for the simple reason I don't find it fruitful. I tend to work life from the place I'm standing now, if there is an issue to correct I work out how to correct it.

    I'd tried CBT for a while when I was younger and found that crawling through the distant past made me caught up in it, I discovered NLP and gelled with the content free aspect of that and found it easier for correcting issues that come up.

    Over the years I have done all sorts of positive things to correct those things I think are not good in me, no matter what I did I have always felt disconnected in some way from people and life in general.

    Then when I started reading through re-boot accounts on your brain on porn it was as if I was reading exerts from a diary of my own, there were more questions answered about how I felt at that point in life than anything I have ever come across. Flat socially un-comfortable, tired, difficulty peeing. Torn up that I thought I was gay, yet totally un-attracted to men. An almost non existent libido and knowing that I on some level found women attractive just not feeling any urge to act on that.

    Not a great situation, though i was totally liberated by the thought that a lot of the anxiety that I had was linked to my porn use and the side effects of a chemically unbalanced brain.

    The first re-boot where did it go wrong.......

    I started out well, I noticed that I was happy at peace and keen to see what happened. Nothing did really, I made it to the 2 month marker and I did feel good more energy less inner turmoil. Then I slipped, think it was a thought that I could in some way be in control or that I was expecting more than was happening. Six weeks have gone by and I'm tired all the time worn out by life and not enjoying the great life I have. I spend nearly all of my time out of work alone. Last week or so I've struggled to get out of bed at the weekends.

    What I did last time was this I didn't kick into exercise, I din't join in any clubs or out of work activities. The only thing that changed was that I stopped watching porn. I did last time want to keep a journal and externalise the thoughts that were going on in my head and how I had gotten into the state I had, though I didn't.

    So I'm beginning this journal with a statement of intent to the world that I am committed to keep, I'm done with porn. I also maybe able to help someone else who is struggling by them reading this. As did the accounts of re boots and journals of others last time.

    The other thing that I have this time that I didn't last time is a little more knowledge, I read The brain that changes itself, and found the 4 step plan for breaking a behavioural addiction.

    I've also this time taken a few extra steps to avoid one of the pitfalls of last time, my computer was in my bedroom and I spent a lot of time watching other shows on that so when I slipped it was always going to be easy to do. Computer is now in my kitchen away from easy access at night. Next up I have joined a few out of hours clubs with things I've been wanting to do and haven't.


    A positive side effect of the last re-boot was that I did cut back on all sorts of tech habits and TV. I down graded my iphone to an Ipod touch, so I wasn't surfing the net every spare second of the day. I started reading a lot more books mainly about plasticity.

    Now it's coming to the end of day one of the re-boot and I'm happy that I've done this, I'll keep you posted on how I'm doing. Also if I'm feeling shit about anything I've got someplace to drop that as well. Thanks for all the help from others who have posted as well appreciated brothers..
     
  2. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Best of luck Damo. Welcome to the forum!

    I also was reassured by the similarity of all the stories and experiences people have on this forum. It seems to be a common trend that people are reporting a sort of lifelessness and disconnection from people, but can't quite make the connection to porn.

    I've been doing CBT recently as well. It's really helping me to see where I've been going wrong in other aspects of my life - like just with communication with people and with relationships with friends. Am planning on reading the brain that changes itself - it sounds like a fascinating concept
     
  3. geordie

    geordie New Member

    good luck mate. 2 months is a brilliant start and with what you would have learned from your relapse that will hold you in good stead. after reading your entry i myself have researched the 4 steps and will keep that in mind myself. im ok getting to 2 weeks ish but need to be ready and i think having this prepared when i encounter cravings will certainly help.

    for anyone else here is a link to the 4 steps

    http://www.choosehelp.com/addiction-treatment/a-four-step-program-to-beating-behavioral-addiction


    cheers
     

Share This Page