Gondor Calls For Aid - Day 54

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Kasper, May 11, 2023.

  1. Kasper

    Kasper New Member

    Hello everyone, starting this log to help keep myself accountable and to answer other questions while I fight this battle.

    • 35 years old
    • pied for atleast 12 years
    • Not my first attempt but my most serious one for sure.
    • Currently at 40 days no pmo
    • Haven’t had morning wood since early teens.
    • Tried testosterone replacement therapy, cialis, Melanotan2. While some helped, the desire is just not there.
    • I absolutely do not believe I’ll be fixed at 90 days. From my research I believe I’ll be more in the 10 month - 14 month range.
    My main goal is to fix the pied, close second is to get my memory better.

    Current state: Flatline, depressed, some anxiety. Very little drive to do much besides work.

    Updates: Not going to do daily updates, will be more in week intervals or when something worth noting has occurred. Will do my best to respond to any questions in between those updates.
    John Ball likes this.
  2. 1MoreLookAway

    1MoreLookAway Member

    Hey there I'm new myself, although I've used this forum previously under a different name. Well done for the 40 days, I hope you're feeling the cognitive and social benefits of that stage. I know it gets better so keep going as one of many who have fallen after 90, I'd only say keep your goals close, and your member far away

    Wishing you peace of mind ️️️️️️
  3. Kasper

    Kasper New Member

    Ty, currently my mental state is the worst. Depressed, no drive, very deep flatline which I’m no stranger to.

    In the past it wasn’t the porn urges that made me relapse, it was that I knew I needed the dopamine hit to get out of this depression funk.

    I know I can’t do that so I’m riding this train for as long as I need to. I expect to be in this flatline state for many, many months.
  4. tig

    tig Member

    Good luck!

    You manage your expectations well. You might feel bad for months as you say, but fixing PIED and having sex will be SOOO worth it.

    I've been there. Porn does NOT fix your depression. Fleeting temporary release which leaves you worse in the long run. 1000x worse.

    Kasper likes this.
  5. 1MoreLookAway

    1MoreLookAway Member

    I know that feeling, it's vampiric, one waits desperately to get to the other side, and sometimes those insidious thoughts stalk us "if I feel similar to how I did on p, what difference will one pmo make?". It's that notion of "just one" which is a false refuge at best, because it's what got us to cut p in the first place, it's hardly ever 1.

    I think you've got a great head on you, and thankfully you know this procedure and that will help you navigate this storm well. And I have a lot of empathy for you, the first time I quit for a period, I was 19 and the high I got off 26 days that was amazing, I feel like since around 24/25, I needed a lot more days off p at least like 45- 2months to start feeling the cognitive benefits. We owe ourselves patience and compassion.

    How are you doing in other fields if I may ask, what I mean is, is there caffeine addiction? Or internet/youtubing? I say this because I myself was a caffeine fiend, which I used since youth to counteract the sloth induced by frequent pmo and I know it also messes with dopamine when abused. I think these 2 I just cited seem to have an uncanny interplay with many of us addicts, as YouTube can be just as aimless and feeds the drive to be entertained and diverted from boredom. Just my food for thought.

    I hope the pain of flatline will soon be compensated by clarity of mind, and the continual fulfillment of your goals, you got this bro!!!
  6. Kasper

    Kasper New Member

    Caffeine wise I try to hit the exact same amount everyday. Roughly 140mg a day.

    I watch YouTube just off my subscriptions (so no worry of having a trigger video pop up). But there’s times I see myself just flipping through those videos similar to how TikTok is, which I quit awhile back bc TikTok is horrible for dopamine.

    I’m very much a creature of habit, this way when I change something I can easily know side effects are related to that variable I changed not 30 other things.

    I work in IT so sometimes the mental downs of the flatline make it difficult to get the job accomplished. However, the end goal of this is to not only get back to pre flatline levels but I’m curious to see what my brain and personality is actually like. I’ve never not been addicted to this since I hit puberty.
  7. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    "Gondor calls for aid"

    And Rohan will answer.

    Welcome to the forum. I think your expectations are realistic. 90 days is just a number. It was probably a good guess for the guys who started about 15 years ago and grew up mostly without internet porn. But like tig said, even if it takes a long time, it'll be worth it in the end.
    Kasper likes this.
  8. 1MoreLookAway

    1MoreLookAway Member

    I am slowly transitioning to green tea, which doesn't give me the kick, but it's mellow and many times helps me sleep great, it's said that the L-theanine in it helps keep us calm, which in turn is conducive for better sleep, and I definitely feel that.

    Nice work on regulating your intake, economically I'm going to try and see how much I save as I withdraw, coffee always seemed to me like a needless expense, especially the odd times a week I go to a coffee shop. The price of their 1 cup is almost that of a jar of nestle/D'Or soluble coffee ‍♂️

    Have a blessed weekend Kasper
    Kasper likes this.
  9. Kasper

    Kasper New Member

    Day 42

    Anger, headaches and dreams.

    I’ve noticed for the past couple of weeks I’ve actually started dreaming again. I really haven’t had dreams since I was in my teens. Now it’s almost every night.

    I’ve also been more short tempered along with headaches. These are definitely blood pressure related, randomly my blood pressure has been going up causing these.

    I believe the blood pressure is from dopamine withdrawals. These are random, almost like my brain is tempting me, knowing that if I fap then it would probably help.

    No chance of relapsing, just interesting to see that the brain looks like it’s resulting to different measures to try to get its fix.

    My Outlook: I’d like to start getting back in the gym. Want to start training physically so that my body is ready for sex, for when my brain is.

    For the past 12 years I’ve usually been in pretty good shape, during that time I’ve tried and had to basically just steer away from so many lays. I beat myself up for not being able to pull the trigger on legit 9’s and 10’s over the years.

    My biggest issue is when I’ve been in shape, I get approached more and that almost puts like a timeline pressure on me for wanting to fix this quicker. Which is impossible, it’s a waiting game.

    Me legit being a hermit right now and also out of shape has worked to my advantage for this.

    Kasper Out
  10. Kasper

    Kasper New Member

    Day 47

    In my last post I mentioned wanting to get back in shape.
    Well the next day I started back at the gym, been there 3 days this week, even with this flatline causing zero energy.

    I’ve been focusing more on how I see the brain craving hits of dopamine outside of porn. For example, usually I can’t listen to a full song without skipping to the next, like it gets my brain gets tired of the song so quick.

    So I’m forcing myself to listen to the whole thing. I’m hopping this is similar to porn where if my brain realizes I’m not giving into changing the song for a quick fix then it will start to quit battling me for control and just go with it.

    The other part of that is doing stuff for fun like playing certain games. I feel like when I sit down to log in my brain completely drains of dopamine, like it’s trying to tell me this is pointless. So I’ve been trying to force myself to play it even though I’m feeling more depressed.

    Basically I’m trying to see how much I can re-wire my brain.

    I know I’m going to need to do this with a woman for the pied eventually but that is a long way off.

    Still lifeless down there so no chance of relapse.

    Kasper Out
  11. Kasper

    Kasper New Member

    Day 54

    Mental recall and just motivation are at a low point. Still dragging myself to the gym though.

    Decided to hold off on applying for a promotion position at work because mentally I’m not even at 50% where I need to be.

    So far zero signs of anything positive, downward progression mentally.

    Like I mentioned in my original post I don’t expect to be healed by 90 days. However I really hope there is eventually and upward progression in mental state because 10-14 months at this state or worse is gonna be rough.

    Kasper Out
  12. Kasper

    Kasper New Member

    I usually work from home so been pretty much socially isolated since I started this.

    Had to go into the office today and the social awkwardness and anxiety was awful for no reason.

    Luckily I’m back to hermit mode for now but I feel for those going through this who are in sales or upfront social positions daily.
  13. 1MoreLookAway

    1MoreLookAway Member

    Mentally I think you're doing better than you'd give yourself credit for, you seem firm in knowing p is responsible for the current challenges, but they are challenges not problems. In this reboot I've been nitpicky with music, a lot of the stuff I grew up listening to was like musical porn, with respect to lyrics. Also I might be alone, but my meditation practice is better with less music, I'm not antimusic in the least, but I don't need it like before as a mood regulator.

    I'm glad to read how dedicated you are to this, try being out when you can, so when flatline lifts, you'll be ready for everything good that may come ;)

    Stay Relentless!
  14. Kasper

    Kasper New Member

    Ty for the comment, yeah I’m definitely looking at life as a whole with a glass half empty type of perspective during this flatline.

    I just can’t get into meditation, tried many a times.

    I’ve been on and off reading these types of forums which help some but some days when I see these 3+ years of no pmo with still no change I do tend to get anxious.

    I’m looking at this from a pure dopamine recovery standpoint of the brain. One study I’ve looked at with regards to brain scans show the brain seemed to be fully recovered at 14 months

    That is from drug studies though.

    Other websites say brain recovery for addicts say they should be close to normal after 90 days which is probably where the 90 days of no pmo for recovery started as a baseline goal I’m guessing.

    Either way 3 months - 14 months is my timeline. If I’ve hit 14 months no pmo and still in a flatline then I may start to looking into jump-starting my brain out of it.
  15. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    From my experience no need to worry about the flatline if you have an encounter with a girl it will be more exciting than ever and your D will work just fine after 90 days.
    Once I had my first O after 90 days, my sexual energy was higher than ever, before I was in complete flatline.
    Only problem there can be in the beginning is performance anxiety. If you are in an very anxious state if it will work out or not that can be an issue, so take it easy and relax.
  16. 1MoreLookAway

    1MoreLookAway Member

    I totally get what you mean with meditation, I notice that at times I can hit a plateau. I think we as addicts overestimate meditation, whereas meditation we need to transfer it into what we do, through awareness in everyday life. Porn is likely not the only novelty addiction, compulsive internet use and caffeine for most. It's interesting the link you sent, as I always understood it (and I could be wrong), I always felt like 90 days might be more the right number for Gen X and before. As Millennials, who grew up with High-speed internet even if we hit 90 and are feeling somewhat better, I'd imagine 14 months sounds right for our gen. When I started rebooting at 19 yo I could hit 11 days and feel better than I did at 60 days at 25. I'm at day 14 in several hours and I feel better than I did at some 75 odd days at 25. This reboot definitely isn't linear for us guys, and I guess YMMV for each of us. A sizeable amount I read say they are extreme cases because they developed serious fetishes like transvestites. Mine was vanilla and boring, but I would say I was extreme in terms of frequency. I feel frequency and extremity of fetish are both determining factors as well as the point that unlike previous gens there was no video store barrier to porn, so we got accustomed to endless reward with zero social stigma.

    I've had a few reboots like your one, a few after that I began to get better quicker, this porn thing is really like COVID, some are asymptomatic the first time, second time they're bedridden for weeks.

    I have a vid for you by a fella called Gabe Deem, he was a long-term rebooter, had a username under the same name here on YBR. He's our gen, born in 87/88 I believe, he mentioned in this vid that it took him 9 months he mentions it here (at 9:39 mins)

    At 20 I got to 120 days clean and it was the best time to be alive, but recovering quickly made me always take it for granted. I think since then we may have to go through hell because when we had moments of extreme ease, we never protected or valued it, if we look at our relapses retrospectively.

    Don't be disheartened Brother, I really get where you are, I've been there, and I regret ever relapsing, but I'm beginning not to, because it may be the reason I break free forever. Remember this isn't linear and like you mention some have taken 14 months, one thing is for sure going that long would make us think there's no going back than if we recovered after say 3 days. Most ppl who recover quick don't appreciate it, I've lived both sides of that.

    Stay at this, and remember porn is the kryptonite of life, no letting up now bro ;)
  17. Kasper

    Kasper New Member

    Did you MO after 90 or was it from sex?

    I would def have performance anxiety, had to many times of embarrassment.

    Ty for the response. Ah yeah I remember seeing Gabes post awhile back when first learning about this. Very brave fella putting his face to this addiction.

    I agree this going through hell is definitely making me appreciate the libido I use to have.

    I always prided myself on never touching drugs, but now learning more about addiction I see that pmo was messing up the brain in the same way. No way I touch that stuff again, even if my libido never comes back, there are zero benefits to it.
  18. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    I did both but in hindsight sex would've been fine.
    I guess performance anxiety is a big topic for almost anyone especially that have had ED, DE etc.
    Not much to say then just to take it slow, deep breathing and enjoy the moment.
    For me a big tip is to avoid missionary as first position - the expectant look did freak me out sometimes lol
  19. Kasper

    Kasper New Member

    I have some PT141 that I’ve been saving for break glass emergency libido situations. Bought it just before starting this streak so if I feel like I might have an opportunity farther into this streak then I may use it.

    Even the placebo that it’s working might help with the anxiety.
  20. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    Interesting, best to try it without it first because otherwise you won't find out if you don't need it after all.
    But it's good being prepared.
    Kasper likes this.

Share This Page