Hello, fellow Fapstronauts (sorry, ex-Fapstronauts!). I discovered YBOP completely by accident, and what a revelation: I feel like I've found the path to the Holy Grail. I'm into day 3 of my reboot and feeling incredibly optimistic, after 26 years of gradually worsening ED which had reached the point of my being convinced that I would never have a relationship other than with Pam and her 5 sisters and the occasional ProDomme. Anyway, I'm off to play a gig now, but later I plan to sit down with a glass of wine and try to write the history of what brought me to this point; maybe make some sense of it, and even prognosticate my hopes for the future. Catch you later.. Serge
hi there and welcome. optimism is great but dont underestimate the task ahead. i remember on day3 i felt i couldnt falter but then the withdrawal kicked in... may the willpower be with you.
Cheers, Frankie! Oh, I'm under no illusions about the enormity of my task. But I'm optimistic because I didn't even know what my problem was owing to; now I do, and - even better - I also know there is a cure. I can't tell you how empowered by that I am: I thought I was saddled with my ED, porn addiction and fetish obsession. Now I can see light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm heading for it, bro.
Man I remember that sense of optimism when I started my first reboot attempt. It's an awesome feeling. My advice, enjoy it with a pinch of salt. If there's one thing I've learned through my numerous relapses it's that the next one is just a few seconds away.
Thanks, CH! I don't know how old you guys are, but I'm 44 now, so I'm an inveterate tugger of 30 years and staggered that it is so obvious what's wrong with me, and that the solution is staring me in the face. I embarked on my non-imaginative wanking career with the underwear section of Kays catalogue and salacious pictures from the Sunday supplements. Prior to that is was to girls I knew, or had seen. This progressed to porn mags proper when a schoolfriend of mine discovered his dad's stash another his older brother's. Meanwhile, I'd started seeing girls, but hadn't got beyond heavy petting. The thing is, I never really fantasised about shagging or BJs. My first sexual experiences had been at the hands (or, rather thighs) of a babysitter who used to play a game where she trapped my head between her legs so I couldn't escape. This progressed to her friends joining in by sitting on me and laughing at my inability to escape. This gave me the raging horn, and I continued to fantasise about it and, later into my teens, contrive situations with the girls next door to sit on me. Anyway, at around 16 or 17 I was furtively browsing one of those second hand book stores that used to have an 'adult corner' and I discovered a magazine called Sadie Stern's Monthly - all about female domination. The centrefold had a picture of a girl in stockings sitting on a guy's face and I can still remember the jolt that went through me when I saw it. That was me hooked on femdom porn. Over the years I gathered more and more, and the advent of the internet was, to my warped mind, the best thing that ever happened. I became the classic hunter-gatherer foraging ever more variety and bizzare images to satiate my incorrigible desire for more and more porn. Meanwhile, all my relationships were failing. I blamed it on my drinking mainly, to excuse my sexual failures. In fact, I used to deliberately get pissed so that I could disguise my inability to get hard (and this was at uni when there were the most unbelievable girls hot for it - if only I could turn back the clock!). After a succession of failures I decided I had to come clean with my next girlfriend about my domination/fetish fantasies, but even that didn't work. It made the girl feel awkward, and in any case she could never compare with the perverse varieties I'd encountered in my pornlife. So I decided that I really could only be happy if I were a gimp or slave in the power of some Dominatrix. That too was bollocks. I'm not actually submissive in any other way than this bizarre secret fantasy life I'd created for myself. But I had this dichotemy: I was still attracted to vanilla girls, and they too me, but hopelessly (well, once the effect of ED pills didn't work either) able to engage with them. I've had such embarrassing experiences of being unable to maintain, or even get, a hard on - and this would trigger an internet binge. I've even thought to myself when in bed with a gorgeous woman, "fuck this, I can't wait to get home and fire Xhamster up." I'm now looking back on it all as if it were someone else, not me. How could I have been so selfish and stupid? I've been utterly besotted with a girl, and still carried on polishing the pewter the minute her back was turned. And then wondered why I couldn't come, or had to imagine some unrelated fantasy whilst we were in bed, to get turned on. I feel like an utter dickhead. No more, though. I even felt a small difference tonight. There are always women at our gigs and I generally just fit them into my fantasies and can't wait to get home and fire the laptop up. I was looking at them as people tonight, rather than objects. And whilst I couldn't wait to get back to the laptop, that was just so I could get on here to describe my epiphany. I also have a buddy with whom I'm going through this. An ex-girlfriend recently got in touch to say that whilst she really liked me, she couldn't stand that I was such a selfish twat. Now I'd never really thought of myself as such as it's not my true nature, but when I analysed myself in the light of what she said about me, I realised she was right. And then the next day I saw a link to YBOP on a cricket website of all places. Serendipity or what? So I told her I was rebooting, and forsaking the last 30 years of shite that has fucked me up so much. I'm counting on her support, and that of you guys to get me through this - along with my own resolve, of course. And if there's anything I can help you lot with, you only have to ask. Serge
Bit of a fitful night's sleep, genitalia slightly uncomfortable.. Still, Sunday morning used to mean a glut of PMO so I'm glad I don't have to do that, or at least haven't done today. What about the irony of this, though? I've just had a couple of requests for dates! Talk about timing. I haven't been out with anyone for a couple of years, my relationship with my laptop being all-consuming. I don't know what to do. Should I go anyway and tell them about my reboot, or just avoid temptation?
Hi CH! Nope - no social anxiety whatsoever. I'm very outgoing and confident, fortunately. Not had morning glory for ages, and it's only reading these pages that's made me realise that's not normal. I'd just put it down to my age. I think you're right about the dates. I'll get out there and just be honest about what's happened to me I think: it'll make a good talking point if nothing else. And women usually love it when you open up to them about your emotional problems, especially if you're doing something about it and they can help! How are you getting on? Serge
You should definitely treat yourself, bro! Yeah, one's an ex-girlfriend (my buddy that I mentioned in an earlier post) and the other someone I've been conversing with on a dating site. So the first one knows anyway, and I see little point in hiding anything from the second. So far my resolve is firm, though I realise it's early days. I think because I'm so much older than you it's easier for me - I know myself so much more. Clarity in your early 20s is so much harder as your personality isn't fully formed, so don't be too hard on yourself! You're going the right way!
Hi Sergio, I'm 39 so quite near you in age and just wanted to wish you all the best with this. With City winning the league and you going through this reboot 2012 could be a great year for you! Just to say, I did a nine week reboot and regained sensitivity, got my morning wood back, etc... I've had some recent struggles so my advice would just be to make sure you don't get complacent. But I really think you are on the right track with this, reading your journal I really relate to a what of what you talked about. Good luck!
Thank you so much, Hotspur! Aye, Sergio's last second winner was the greatest sporting moment of my life, hence the avatar. And the last time we won it was the year I was born, so maybe it all augurs well. And thanks for the advice. I know that in the early stages of a project you can think that the enthusiasm you have for it will carry you through, but I'm not naive enough to think that it will be all plain sailing after 30 years of indoctrination. I do think that the rewards will be worth it, though - just the thought of having a rewarding relationship and rectifying all of the missed chances when I thought it had all passed me by should be sufficient motivation. I'll make sure I keep on coming here to keep complacency at bay.. Good luck with your own efforts!
Here we go into day 6! Decent night's kip and the tackle feels comfortable though still pretty dead. I'll take that at this stage. Back to work after a couple of weeks off today so that should occupy my mind I reckon. Good day, everyone!
Another day done! I noticed the odd salacious thought creeping in today, but nothing I couldn't reject easily enough. Date lined up for Thursday of this week which I'm not sure about - mainly because I'm not sure what she expects. Or what I do, for that matter. Anyway, we'll see. No point in hiding because of this. From reading others' posts the really hard bit is yet to come, so I'm bracing myself for that. For the moment, I'm enjoying not being a slave to my porn addiction and shall continue to milk it as long as I can, so to speak. Might watch a Woody Allen film now before hitting the sack, but there'll be no PMO whatever I get up to!
Cheers, CH! I hope so too - though explaining the non-PMO is going to be an ordeal I expect. Thanks for interacting with me here, it means a lot. Being able to go through this with you is invaluable, mate - can't thank you enough! It'd be a bit grim posting and not getting any replies!!
Morning all! Day 7 and a bit of morning wood today. Not much, but more life than has been evident for years. From reading others' accounts it's about to start getting tricky, so I'm winding up my resolve. This boy will not fap...
I did try a web filter but it blocked things I wanted to read about and, tbh, I haven't felt so far as if I have to resist anything. I also think that I need to alter my mindset so I'm just not interested in looking at porn. I've equated it in my head to heroin, which I realise is more than a click away, but in the sense that I have no desire to try that because I know the damage it can do. My reason for giving up is simple: I want to be able to have a healthy, loving, sexual relationship which is something that has always eluded me because I never twigged the reason why I was fucked up. Already I feel more confident and assertive - masculine even - and that's after just a week. I can only imagine how I might feel after a couple of months. No complacency though. I'm still going to log on here and chart my progress, boost my resolve and maybe that of others if I can be successful. As for the triggers, I'm making myself stop looking at women and associating them with my porno fantasies. Nothing much I can do about the stuff that's already lodged in my memory, but I'm treating that as symptoms of my disease which will gradually fade away as long as I don't propagate them..
It's just occurred to me - this is the first time in my life I've given up porn. I've spent 30 years thinking it was perfectly normal to use it, and it never dawned on me it might be at the root (no pun intended) of my problem. What a fuckwit.
Yeah I know...its bloody annoying when it finally clicks and you wished you had dealt with this years ago..! But, maybe for whatever combination of factors now is the time to take this on... By the way at the start I used google chrome and downloaded various extensions to block unsuitable material... that did not slow down my laptop at all... it is not failsafe, but a good barrier to have on there, and it is discreet you don't have a big 'no porn' icon on your screen....
No need for at so far, Hots - I've not been tempted to porn or fap. I'm not sure it's the way to go for me anyway: the whole point is to realise I don't need to use it. If I still want to but can't then I've not re-educated myself properly. To my way of thinking if I put a block on it, it's like saying I won't be a be to help myself but to try and peek at some point, and I'm determined that's not going to be the case. I know beyond any doubt that porn has fucked my brain up and that all I need to do to cure myself is not look at it any more. I don't miss it, I'm glad I don't need it any more and my life is infinitely better without it. There's no going back, bud.
Well, into my second week and I'm feeling great. Getting a bit more wood each morning, though nowhere near back to normal (not that I can remember what that is!). Still, one day at a time..
It's my date tomorrow night, about which I'm slightly apprehensive. Not because I'm nervous socially, but if we really get on and sh's up for it, it's way too soon in my reboot to contemplate going for it. I guess if that's the case I'll have to explain the situation. Otherwise, I expect I'll just go with the flow and only discuss the reboot if the subject comes up. Thinking about it, she'll think I'm an oddball if I launch into a narrative of my porn addiction a propos of nothing!
