Going for Gold - Odezur Reboot

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Odezur, Apr 17, 2012.

  1. Odezur

    Odezur New Member

    Alright so back at this reboot thing. I won't start with a whole lot of backstory because I'm pretty much the typical story for young males of the high speed internet generation. I'm 22, started looking at lingerie mags around 12-13, then over 7 years, was looking at some pretty hardcore stuff. Stuff that when I really think about, is truly disgusting and I would never engage in.

    ED started becoming noticeable during the last two years of college when I would drunkenly hook up with chicks. I've only been in a couple "long" term relationships so the majority of my sexual experiences have been one-three night stands. I chalked it up mostly to being too drunk, too tired. But when it started to get REALLY noticeable, aka having to work so hard to stay hard for condom, thats when I knew something wasn't going right. I did the whole sh'bang. Went to see urologists, tried supplements, tried this or that exercise. Nothing worked. In the back of my mind I think I always knew the porn addiction was insane. I would pretty much watch porn every time I got in the shower. The iPhone really pushed that into the extreme levels. Anyway I finally came across YBOP and it all clicked. Once I read the reboot accounts that mirrored my situation identically, I vowed to never watch porn again. That was about 8 months ago.

    My first attempt at rebooting 8 months ago went pretty well. I got to about 60-75 days (was only keeping track in my head so I don't have an exact number) then I fucked up and relapsed hard. It quickly snowballed me back to the point where I was watching hardcore porn on my iPhone. I never really got back into porn like I used to but I was looking at it every 3-4 days. This went on with me attempting to reboot about 8 times and failing at about the 1 week mark. I don't know what was wrong with me. I just could not stop my urges. It felt like I became possessed by someone else every time I got the urge and my brain would just go "ah fuck it, why not?". I now know how truly insane that is. One part of my brain knowing I was messing myself up, the other part just saying ah fuck it who cares.

    Anyway I finally got myself off to a decent reboot again, albeit with a bit of a rocky start for the first 2 weeks. I'm currently on day 51 with only one relapse. I'm using every trick of the trade including k9 blocking. The thing that really has helped me get this far though is accountability software. My little brother is an amazing dude who is the only one I've been able to open up to about a lot of this stuff. Part of me opening up to him was me wanting to make sure he didn't get into porn at his age and save himself my current dilemma. He's my accountability software guy, both for my iPhone and my computer. Its so great. Instead of feeling restricted from my internet browsing, I actually feel incredibly liberated from my urges. I know he will see if I look at anything porn related and the shame I would get from letting him down prevents me from edging even a little bit. Awesome.

    So now I'm on day 51. 2 days ago I had a wet dream that i vividly remember being just like watching a porn video. It felt like I was just watching porn again. I woke up with the orgasm and everything. The next day I had the worst depression I've ever had in my life. Stress with school issues, moving to a new city, and a weekend of binge drinking a few days before, all combined with the "porn" wet dream to make me feel like the biggest piece of shit. Its been two days since then and I'm still not back to the happy, motivated dude I was on day 45-47. I decided to start journaling on here as a means of getting in touch with how I really feel and keep track of my reboot progress. Having some accountability to the community on here is also just some great extra motivation to keep on track.

    It's kind of hard for me to judge where I'm at with this whole thing because I had a great start, months of relapsing, and now I'm on a decent attempt at it again. I know I'm technically not on day 51 because of my rocky start and 1 relapse, but I'm happy with my progress so I'm just going to keep counting up from here as a means of feelin good.

    Maybe you dudes can help me figure out how recovered I am. Or how unrecovered...Here's some of changes I've noticed...

    - Other than the last few days of stress and shiftiness after the wet dream, I do generally feel more motivated and happy to get out of the house. The fact that the weather is getting so nice helps that a lot too. I feel like working out, doing p90x as much on schedule as I can.

    - The days leading up to the wet dream and even during the shitty days following, I've definitely had morning wood at about 70-80%. Sometimes it'll be morning wood that wakes me up, only to have me fall back asleep and wake up flaccid. Other times I'll wake up with a decent stuffy that sticks around for a couple minutes then dies off. Especially if I get up to walk around. I'm not getting discouraged though. On my first reboot attempt I remember getting to a point at about 60-70 days where I would wake up, go to the bathroom, and have to lean WAY back because I was still so hard.

    - I do feel more in touch with myself. I find it much easier to look ahead in life and even though thats kind of scary sometimes, I think it's a good thing. I've come to recognize a number of insecurities I have, which I hope getting through this reboot will help.

    - Right up to the "porn" wet dream, I found it easier to make eye contact with people. Especially on the street, or meeting someone new. Looking people in the eye really does show someone a lot of confidence. I highly recommend everyone try their best to look people in the eye when you speak to them, even if you find it difficult at first. It gets easier. I will say however that after my wet dream, I feel way more anxious in social situations. Hopefully I haven't been set back too much by this unconscious relapse

    - You definitely do start getting more attention from girls but when you look at the gain in confidence, it really isn't that much of a mystery. Women are attracted to confidence in all its forms. If you're a confident dude who talks a whole bunch, women will be interested in what you have to say. If you're a confident dude who doesn't say too much, women will be interested in what makes you tick. I still have yet to try out the hardware with any of them but I'm sure I'll be finding myself in more potential sexy times the more confidence I gain in myself and mr johnson.


    It's weird. Some days with this I feel great and I'm convinced I could have successful sex with little to no ED. Other days I feel like there's no way I could get hard and I don't have any libido. Unfortunately Im supposed to go over and watch a movie with a girl tonight and I'm still feelin shitty from the "porn" wet dream. If I do get intimate with her, I'll do my best to enjoy and see what happens. If anything it'll be an indication of if I've made enough progress or not.

    Anyway dudes, I'm gonna try to update this thing every couple days. If you have any questions please post em. I've been there for pretty much the highest highs and lowest lows of this process over the past 8 months. I've relapsed. I've started up again. I've used pretty much every technique and software available. So I'm more than willing to help.

    Good luck to everyone and stay strong. This process works. Even though I've yet to fully recover, the benefits I have seen and the accounts I've read show me its possible for anyone. What's an hour of unfulfilling pleasure compared to a lifetime of happiness?
     
  2. Odezur

    Odezur New Member

    Day 52

    Well I've got some good news about having "porn related" wet dreams. Its now been three days since I had one and even though I felt depressed like I had just relapsed the 2 days following, I now feel like I am back on track. Last night before I went to bed I was texting a girl and flirting with her really well. She's definitely into me and wants to hang out as soon as possible. While I didn't get completely hard while texting her, I definitely had some movement down there which I think is a great sign of progress. I had a dream that I think may be related to the fact that I was flirting with this girl before falling asleep. I dreamt that a girl had looked me up on Facebook, added me cause she thought I was cute and asked me to hangout. I obliged and we went to the mall or something. I remember not even having sex with her but just walking around flirting with each other, holding hands, and kissing her when I dropped her off at night. I woke up soon after kissing her in the dream and I had about 75% morning wood. Thats gotta be a good sign right?

    Its weird because I caught a cold the day before I had that wet dream and have been getting steadily more sick over the past 3-4 days. Despite feeling like shit cold-wise today, I feel great mood-wise. Hopefully the cold will go away soon and I'll be ready to fuck the day.

    For those of you worried about wet dreams and relapses... Take them seriously, but don't get too depressed and worried about them. I've had one real relapse, several wet dreams, and one wet dream that involved me watching porn and I'm still making good progress. Yea the days immediately after might suck but if you get back on track you will start feeling good again in a couple days.

    I'm really enjoying posting on here so far. Its amazing how typing/writing out your progress helps you sort through your thoughts and feel good about how you're doing.
     
  3. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I'm thinking the same regarding the different dream you had. Just a couple of days ago I had a non-sexual dream where I spent time with a girl, just having a good time at a concert and then we kissed goodbye. Before I'd just have weird erotic dreams, possibly driven by fear of relapsing. I'm on day 70, btw.

    And yeah I agree, there's no reason to feel bad about wet dreams, they're something that must happen sooner or later while abstaining.

    Good luck, it seems that you've got enough experience with this process to succeed this time.
     
  4. Henk

    Henk New Member

    Hi Odezur,

    I'm at six months off now and I noticed that everything is working well again. Stayed 6 months of completely of porn. But tonight I really really have heavy cravings, while I have an exam tomorrow where I have to study for. I cannot concentrate.

    We're almost there, keep on going mate! 8 months is a lot.
     
  5. Odezur

    Odezur New Member

    Thanks for the kind words guys! Just to clarify (not that I think anyone really cares about the details), I tried my first reboot 8 months ago. I failed my first reboot at the 60-70 day mark and got back into watching porn. I was watching it every 3-4 days over the course of about 3 months, all the while attempting to reboot again. While every 3-4 days was an improvement over my previous habit of once or twice a day, it still meant I wasn't recovering. Just stuck in the same ol ED, unconfident, etc bullshit. I'm currently on my second attempt at REALLY rebooting and its going really well. It's actually cool because all my previous experience and relapsing over the past 8 months have taught me a lot about this process and the tools I need to keep myself away from porn. Don't discount the help you can get from a porn blocker or an accountability partner. Without these two tools I would not have gotten this far in my second reboot.

    Man I've been there before. Something pops into your head while you're reading and your mind zones out for a second. Even when you reel yourself back in and try to concentrate on reading again, the thought just keeps poking away at you. What I do when I'm trying to read or study and that happens is I just put the book down and do something else. Even something as simple as going to get a drink, or going to the washroom. Just give yourself a little task to do other than sitting and studying for a couple minutes just to get your head out that weird spot.

    The cool thing about the non-erotic dreams is that they feel a lot more fulfilling. Its like you still get the sexual energy but you wake up feeling great about yourself. Its almost like you just had a really successful real life date and feel great afterwords. Now I just need to find this mystery girl who wants to look me up on Facebook....
     
  6. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Hehe, maybe it's a future vision! Unfortunately I know the girl in my dream and she's taken, but I still woke up feeling great. I definitely want more of these dreams. =)
     
  7. Odezur

    Odezur New Member

    Day 54

    So things are going along smoothly. I haven't dabbled in fantasy or even lightly touching myself in the last two days and I feel overall pretty good. Mentally and emotionally anyway. Still full of a cold which I brought on myself from smoking and drinking too much a few days ago. Hopefully that'll go away soon.

    So last night I had another wet dream. Another one of those "porn" influenced ones. But maybe a little bit improved from the last one. I'm gonna describe it in a way that doesn't have many triggers but if you don't even wanna hear about sex right now, close this window and get away from your computer!

    I'd had a couple beers the night before so maybe thats why my dreams were all over the place but I remember them being non-erotic for the most part. Stupid things like me working in a laboratory, then me on a boat with all my friends, etc. Insanity. Then all of a sudden, the very last dream I had before waking up (maybe it coincided with my morning wood?) was of a couple having sex in their back yard. That went on for a while then I remember one of the neighbours (a hot chick) saw them having sex and freaked out. So I started having sex with the neighbour. Craziness I know. That went on for a while and I finally had the W part of the WD.

    Now what I'm wondering is if that seems like an improvement over my last porn related WD. In the previous one I was experiencing the dream from a complete 3rd person perspective whereas in this newest one I was actively participating in sex. Seems like a positive thing to me.

    I still have concerns about whether or not these porn related WD's are having a negative impact on my reboot or not. To be fair I haven't had them up until the 50 day mark so I guess that has to be a sign that something is changing. It's just weird because I almost remember saying unconsciously in my dream "ah fuck it, might as well O". But I know if I was awake I wouldn't even come close to engaging in masturbation.

    Have any of you guys had similar experiences to this? Should I be concerned? Is there anything you can recommend?

    Thanks guys! This forum is awesome
     
  8. Odezur

    Odezur New Member

    Day 56

    Big succes! Two nights ago I was flirting with this girl I know at a party. I knew she had a boyfriend but I didn't care and she seemed to enjoy my advances so I just kept going with it. It ended up with her sleeping in my bed with me. She wouldn't let me kiss her or anything but we did engage in what I'll call "aggressive cuddling". Even before we started cuddling I was hard as a rock and stayed hard the whole time we were flirting and cuddling in my bed. Oh and keep in mind I was WASTED off my ass. I used to get real worried that if I got drunk then there was absolutely no way I could get a boner, let alone sober. But nope, as soon as the flirting and cuddling began I was super horny and super hard. I don't really get spontaneous boners so I guess this just means my dick knows when its go time and when its chill time. She actually slept over at my house again last night but I get the clear idea she's not gonna go any further than just sleeping in my bed with me so I'm gonna move on to better stuff. Whole thing has been a huge boost to my confidence. Its amazing how good you feel knowing that in the back of your mind you know your dick is just fine. Im starting to realize now how much I was held back socially because I was always thinking about my dick. Fuck that shit! I'm ready to take on life and I don't wanna be thinking about that at all anymore.

    Needless to say, I'm super horny and sexually frustrated as of today. All I wanted to do while she was sleeping next to me was rip her clothes off and go to town. I have some cravings to look at porn but its a different kind of craving. Its not like the addiction cravings I used to have. Its like I desperately need relief after being teased by this chick for two days. GAHHH I just wish I had a steady girl I could call up to help me out right now. Anyway, I'm hoping that writing on here and getting my head straightened out will keep me away from the PMO. Gotta remember how good I feel now and I gotta know that PMO will just make me feel like shit.

    This process does work guys! Keep at it, and don't get discouraged if you haven't seen results. They will come. Get out there with your friends, even if you don't feel like it that particular time. Part of this process is regaining social confidence as well as confidence that your dick works. Hit the gym, hit the coffee shop, go for walks. Whatever you need to do.

    I've been relapsing a shitload and attempting to reboot several times over the course of the past 8 months. And I think now I'm approaching being fully cured. Hold strong dudes!
     
  9. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    Awesome post, Odezur!

    I doubt you will relapse now. You just had a taste of the fun life, doubt you wanna go back to day 0 and start all over again? ;)

    Keep it up, macho. ;)
     
  10. Odezur

    Odezur New Member

    Day 58

    So a few little hiccups have happened over the past two days. After having that girl I really like sleep over two nights in a row on day 55 and day 56 without any sexual release has had me incredibly agitated and sexually frustrated. At the peak of my horniness/frustration I ended up looking at a few pictures briefly. Each time I didn't grab a hold of my jonson and engage in any actual masturbation and I most certainly didn't O. Still, I feel pretty dumb for giving in to this craving/frustration even though I know that I'm making progress. Hopefully I haven't knocked myself too far back because I was feeling amazing about this whole process a couple days ago. I feel like my dick isn't as "alive" as it was before looking at a few porn pictures. That could also be psychological from simply knowing that I fucked up. Gonna have to see where I am at in a few days. I'm not gonna start counting back from day 1 because I'm happy with the progress I've made and the milestones I've reached and I don't think a minor hiccup such as this is going to slow my progress very much.

    I'm just going to have to be aware of the chaser effect from viewing those few pictures. I'm also going to have to make a conscious effort to either find a chick that actually wants to have sex when she sleeps over, or simply try to get my horniness under control. I've also taken some steps to make sure I can't get to those pictures through the particular "route" I took this time. Good thing is that I can't really get to actual porn sites due to my accountability partner. So the stuff I looked at was pretty soft core stuff and I didn't have much of a selection.

    I really don't feel too down in the dumps because this has happened before and I know it doesn't do too much damage on my progress. My mental outlook is still pretty decent. I'll let you guys know where my heads at in a few days and hopefully I'll have some good news to report
     
  11. Odezur

    Odezur New Member

    Hey guys,

    So today I'm going back to day one. I know based on my previous reboot experience I have a good head start but the past few days have taught me a few things. Throughout the past two weeks of my reboot I've edged slightly and I realize that I'm not ever going to be truly cured unless I do the full 90 days properly. It is going to be ridiculously hard. I know this from experience. However, after edging a bit the past week and having two wet dreams last night, I've realized my social anxiety is still around and I am still not confident in my ability to perform. I know this increased anxiety is likely partially induced by having two wet dreams last night, but I still also know I haven't done a proper reboot yet. Getting to 86 days while looking at porn every 2-4 weeks is not a full reboot.

    I know I can cure myself. Like I mentioned in a previous post, I have gotten 90-100% hard by making out with a girl that I like. I just want to stop worrying about this whole process and my dick entirely. I don't want this to be a part of my life anymore. I understand that the battle to not look at porn will be an ongoing thing, but I hate dedicating so much thought and worry to this whole process. I really need to find a girlfriend so I can settle into a groove and move on.

    That being said, I'm going back to day 1. I wanna do this properly right from the start. I have set up my computer and phone such that it is impossible for me to look at porn or even adult material. At the start of my previous reboot attempt I didn't have these tools so I'm much more confident that I can succeed a FULL 90 days without PM at all. I think I will allow myself to O with a real girl though. I've got enough experience with this process to know that at this point that will be beneficial to me more than harmful.

    Thanks again to all the people who've given some great advice and support on these forums.
     

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