God I Hope the 20s Aren't the Best Times of My Life...

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by TigerBlood, Sep 16, 2012.

  1. TigerBlood

    TigerBlood New Member

    Well, I've finally committed enough to this effort to start a journal right after I messed up.

    I'm 22, I've had a few girlfriends and one or two one night stands. However, over the last two years I have not had a successful standard PIV experience, in part because of my crippling ED and fear of ED, which has led me to give up/find an excuse to avoid otherwise fruitful relationships. I used to and still do sometimes worry that I'm secretly gay. I've never been able to jerk it to guys and I don't get boners looking at guys irl or in porn- but I also don't get boners looking at girls irl either, and I'm not sure I ever have.

    Because of my religious background, I was always scared to look at regular porn as a kid, unlike my other male friends. However, I was an extreme reader and read through all the books in my local library. Among the more titillating for me at the time were those on hypnosis. When I was 11 I read a piece of erotica about hypnosis (but I didn't identify it as such) called Sarafina which I'm sure is still around somewhere and I actually remember coming without touching myself. After that I began regularly masturbating to erotic fiction and things like mcstories.com and mountainman hypnosis (pictures of girls being hypnotized and stripping). Within a few years I found myself looking at standard pornography and I added that to the repertoire of things I masturbated to - eventually I found that I really couldn't get off to anything less than two or three girls and they all had to be exotic [although I've always preferred exotic girls irl so that might be an exogenous factor]. I find myself identifying as a sub and rarely read male dom pornography, but I find the sissifying/financial exploitation/transgender/anal/forced chastity stuff to be so completely and utterly repulsive/gross/exploitative/unnatural that I don't find myself aroused by them - so fortunately, that's not a problem. But I'm lazy in that my fantasies are usually a female led experience, and any man who seeks that typically finds himself A. out of cash or B. enormously disappointed.

    I'm in an extremely competitive University program and I'm interested in academia, however I took a year off to reflect and relax and I realized that my pornographic habits were crippling. I had two turning points. The first was losing my "dream" girl two years ago after lots of bad sex. In particular, I couldn't finish or keep it up with a condom. And, as if my social life weren't crippled enough, now she is dating another girl I used to make out with [and who I had another grim experience with]. Since then I've had a series of short-lived unsatisfying sexual relationships (two or three great one night stands where I could finish, lots of makeouts I was too scared/had no motivation to escalate and a couple of times where I did escalate and couldn't keep it up).

    The second was that during my Sophomore year in college I would use Adderall or Modafinil. Whenever I took these dopamine boosting medications I would jerk it at least once, even sometimes in public places (although always when no one was around). I knew what was going on in terms of the brain chemistry behind this phenomenon, but found myself unable to stop. For me, this was extremely disturbing disturbing because I'm normally a reserved and cold man. In my mind I was contrasting myself jerking it in a place where I could get caught with my teenage self who always managed to avoid (against my girlfriends' will- no less!) having sex in public.

    Over the last year I've blocked most of the websites that I used to or had the potential to masturbate to (mcstories.com, rcwrites.com, xvideos.com, pornhub.com and the entire top 100 porn catalogue, and any blogs that I might potentially find arousing). I've also been able to tone down, but not eliminate my masturbation. The longest I've gone is 21 days and I really want to reach 30 - as far as I know I've never had a wet dream - although I've started dreaming about more vanilla sex with fit girls I know since I eliminated the pornography. Over time when I stop masturbating I tend to switch from sub to dom in my fantasies about myself (a few) or I fantasize about one woman dominating/controlling/hypnotizing/fucking another woman (many).

    Flatlining doesn't bother me much because I'm busy all the time and flatlined sometimes after watching too much porn anyway - so that's not something I'm scared of and I "have faith" that if I get to thirty days I'll be making some real progress.

    My experience more or less eliminating my porn (I keep finding new stuff to block, but it is of lower and lower quality and less likely to lead to me masturbating) and dramatically reducing my masturbation has led to a wealth of better sexual experiences with girls [and better interactions with men - surprisingly] and lots, lots more energy to get things done. I've found myself become an achievement machine and I feel like Da Vinci. During my time being chaste I've scored literally a couple dozen numbers and actually have a date tomorrow. Since University is intense and I'm an undergrad and she's a grad student, if I don't at least try to bring her home and bang on the first night out, she's pretty unlikely to call back [your experience may differ] and so I'm pretty disappointed about my recent failure.

    Today I had a huge set back in that I began re-imagining one of these hypnosis + lesbians fantasies and nearly came without touching myself (I eventually gave myself one stroke and came). I think it's pretty well-known by anecdote here that if you don't kill the fantasies you won't be able to get it up with girls again even if you kill the porn. I hope I'm also not being controversial by saying that it's also pretty well-known that the (vast?) majority of attractive women love dominant, secure men [like any phenomenon, there are many exceptions, but the statistics are what they are] and the reduction of my parasitic fantasy life ought to help in molding me into something closer to that ideal. Of course, I've had to go without the Adderall and Modafinil, but it's a fair trade. State dependence + the rapid development of tolerance means that these drugs - for me - are not worth the tradeoff of minor academic improvement. I also haven't had problems keeping the blocked websites blocked.

    I've started a journal because with me re-entering University there's a lot more stress and a lot more girls. The combination is dangerous because A. I feel bad when I miss out on the experiences that the fit girls here could provide and B. the stress makes me a lot more likely to do things (read: jerk it) that will cause me to miss out on the experiences that the fit girls here could provide. I don't want to wait twenty-five years for brain modification technologies to come out before I can have some regular vanilla sex.

    I'm trying to do the right thing here. I'll go into more details every day or so.

    Anyway, call this day 0 because it's time to step it up a notch. Day 1 is pretty guaranteed to be interesting because I have a big exam (read: stressor!) in the morning and a date at a bar that night (read: stressor/opportunity to see how quitting all these things has affected me).
  2. TigerBlood

    TigerBlood New Member

    Day 1:
    Actually not a bad day at all. I've been in the process of "quitting" for a while. So morning wood returned a few months ago and this morning was no exceptions. I woke up a little tired so I popped a modafinil to wake up. My exam was nothing too surprising and I found that I accidentally wrote the correct answer for one of the more difficult problems - shooting me from a marginal pass grade to passing with a considerable margin - [it's a course I only need to pass]. Getting the exam back later that day was a considerable dopamine boost, as were some other events in the day.

    My date canceled but that may have been a blessing in disguise since I had a lot of work. No memorable boners in the middle of the day and nothing else to report.

    It's actually the start of Day 2, and again I've had morning wood. My goal is 30 days no PMO [the longest in the last year is 21 days] or bang in the next 30 days. I'll use the forum software to make one of those neat counters for my next post if I have such an uneventful day today.
  3. makebelieve

    makebelieve Member

    Hey TigerBlood,

    Great step you started your journal here. I hope it will help you and that you will learn more about yourself, and finally find out that you've changed your patterns!

    Good luck.

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