This is my first day on this site, figured I would start a journal, see if it can help me keep clean. Porn is something I started using when I was very young, I grew up in a house that was pretty darn dysfunctional, my dad was emotionally distant, and me and my siblings all figure he was (and still is) a malignant narcissist. He is the kind of person that is there, but trying to connect on any emotional level is impossible. My mom was just hanging on for dear life, trying her best not to make him mad, and so she was not terribly present or emotionally available either. My solution was always to find an escape of some form or another, at first i mostly turned to games of imagination and fantasies of making huge feature length films with complex stories, I would hide away doing that as much as I possibly could. It wasn't long before different forms of sexual stimulation became one of my go to escapes, and oddly enough, it provided a form of connection to something, since I didn't really have much connection with my parents. (Thanks oxytocin release from sexual stimulation) I found internet porn when I was about 12 or so, hooking up a computer late at night on good old dial up internet, so that no one would notice i was using the internet. I was both fascinated and scarred, it was amazing and horrible. That was the beginning of me taking things to extremes with porn, watching it to an unhealthy level. year after year it just got worse and worse, I used it more and more as an escape and as an excuse to not deal with my own problems, have a really tough day? just drown it all out with a long evening at the computer. The older i got the worse it became. As technology advanced porn become easier and easier to access, it went from being something i had to collect, in books and file folders on a computer, to something that i could easily sit in my bed with a Chromebook and with the simple thought of, I want to watch porn, i had an endless bottomless library right at my finger tips. This all too quickly escalated in perfect sync with my own escalating addiction. As years passed, I felt like, porn was a problem, but i had time, I could quit later. Years have passed, countless relationships have collapsed, I have failed to hold down any kind of meaningful job, and found myself in a life largely dictated by my own inability to cope in a healthy way. I know that porn is far from the end of my emotional issues holding me back in life, but it is a major issue, that has so many negative effects on my life, and acts as a coping mechanism that prevents me from solving the compounding and seemingly ever present problems that arise again and again in my life, with little to no progress. I turned 30 this year, and the cycle continues to damage my relationships both romantic and platonic, my career, my finances and my happiness. the weight of realizing that I am 30 and my life progress has been minimal, has weighed down on me a great deal. Today is the beginning of what I hope is the last time I try to quit porn. I have begun my journey with a commitment to quitting, by creating an account here on this site, and by installing strict filters on my home network in hopes that they will at least make it easier to break the habit with a small roadblock. Crossing my fingers, that this time, I can turn at least one small part of my life around, and stop this consuming habit.