Give Me Strength’s Journal: One Day at a Time

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Give Me Strength, Sep 3, 2014.

  1. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hi GMS, thanks for sharing. I'm clearly a pretty bad PMO addict (I think it's my main addiction), but I have also struggled with compulsive weed smoking and also binge drinking. Currently clean of marijuana for about 3 months (and intend on keep going here) and I'm only around 12 days clean of PMO. I don't know if you would mind sharing, but what was it that made it possible for you to tell yourself to have that drink of whiskey after 30 years ? Was there some kind of reason why on that particular moment it happened ? I recently managed to not have one sip of alcohol for 12 months precisely. Although that was clearly good for me, I started thinking I should have fun and drink again out of the blue. Mostly because I was having a lot of problems in my life at that point and facing a personal ''crossroad situation''. So I ended up starting to drink again, which meant I also started smoking weed again. It was all downhill for about 2 months from there on. And then another 2 months of instability just to get out of that. And now here I am... Pretty depressed, but a little more grounded at least. The PMO is still a problem though, that one is the hardest to eradicate.
     
    Give Me Strength likes this.
  2. Give Me Strength

    Give Me Strength Active Member

    Hello Saville and TheLongWayHome,
    Saville,
    As always, I appreciate your comments and encouragement! Means quite a bit to me. I do need to get my diet in check... I am about 45 lbs on the heavy side.

    TheLongWayHome,
    First, thanks and 12 days is freakin great start!!! I wouldn't say only! The most I ever went was 14 days and that was years ago. I am quite weak. Your question is spot on and what really gets to me. I am not sure what triggered it. I thought what the heck, a small bottle would be ok. To go from there to where I am now shows the power of addiction. The many years I was alcohol clean I never attended AA... it may be time to start. See more below and some questions for you.

    All,
    So with multi addictions its clear some of us are addicted people... I used to hear from a counseling about an addictive gene... now sure about that but it sure does show I have no self discipline. One thing my pastor has been pushing me to do is to fast once a week... to some degree, maybe just one small meal... I can see how that would build self discipline. A couple questions for you all:
    1. Has anyone ever attempted fasting to help self discipline?
    2. Is trying to get sober with alcohol and PMO as well as work on my diet all at the same time the right way to go?

    Of course question 2 above is my just wanting the fix a little longer.

    BTW: my 2 cents on alcoholism, there are many people that I know who are big drinkers that I do not consider alcoholic. To me its the progression from just a little to overboard.


    Thank you all,
    GMS
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  3. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the encouragement GMS. With me as well, when I go back to things I am addicted to quite soon I'm back in the consumption levels of where I left off the addiction before the ''sober period''. I guess this is one hallmark of addiction after all.

    There may well be an addictive gene I suppose, especially in people who show compulsivity with several things/behaviors.

    Regarding your 2 questions I'm not sure how qualified advice I can give but I have noticed that practicing restraint in many things helps with practicing restraint with PMO as well. In other words if I live an unruly life (diet, sleep, etc.) it's much easier also to give in to the dopamine demand of the PMO call. So in a way indeed fasting can be a way to train self discipline which can then be used to no PMO as well.

    Maybe tackling all addictions at the same time can help reinforce sobriety/restraint in all things but, on the other hand, that may be quite demanding as well or at times unrealistic (depending how severe the problems are). Perhaps if such a thing is not realistic, you can work on the most important one first.
     
    Deleted User likes this.
  4. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    That’s also how I see this. I am addicted to different things - alcoholic, cigarettes, sleeping pills, porn... Porn is by far the worst addiction I have ever had, so I put this on top of the list. My other addictions are not turning my life into hell, maybe because I’m just mildly addicted to these drugs - and also because THEY DON’T GIVE ME FUCKING ED. So yeah, I am really not an example when it comes to dealing with addictions. But I manage pretty well at the moment with staying away from porn and masturbation, and I sometimes... actually pretty often use other substances to somewhat help me go through the ‘withdrawal’ from porn addiction. You get the point: if you really want to get rid of one addiction, you could alleviate the process by still using other drugs you like (if they don’t lead to PMO, of course... I know some guys struggle with that, especially with alcohol, as it makes then want to look at porn). Of course, it would be best to get rid of all your addictions, and I am sure it’s possible, but it would require a huge amount of will and at least a minimal level of peace in your life. If you can’t do this, well I would do like @Thelongwayhome27 suggested and focus on only one.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  5. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    GMS,
    i have not had a drink in almost 18yrs. i am a recovered drunk. i don't say recovering because that leaves the door open for me to drink again. after all they say relapse is the classical sign of addiction. it need not be. only you can classify you as an alcoholic. there are binge drinkers, social drinkers, some who have a drink only on new years eve, etc. the yardstick here is if drinking causes problems in your social, professional, personal life. it most definitely did in mind. it's not how much or how often i drink. it's how it changes my thinking and craving. that was a very difficult addiction to overcome but nothing compared to PMO. i still fight it daily. i have tried AA tactics and everything else i can muster, still very difficult. almost impossible. for me, my motivation is i have to have a why. PIED, lack of intimacy with my wife, always fearful that everyone at work knows or will find out my "secret". not being able to look people especially my family in the eye due to the self disgust i feel due to my filthy habit. i know it's an addiction but it has become an automatic habit i go to when i hurt. no matter what "hurt" is. tough day at work, fight with my wife, dog pooped in the house, the sun came up today, etc. in the end i am just rationalizing so i can get my fix-PMO. which does not last long, then comes the misery, remorse, guilt, shame. any way enough of my ramblings.
    also i fast and it has helped me tremendously. most days i do intermittent fasting. every 4-5mos i will do a 3 day water only fast. this one really makes me soul search. take care may God bless you my brother. am here for any help i can render.
     
    Deleted User likes this.
  6. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    TLWH,
    for me when i started drinking again after long periods of abstinence was because i wanted to drink more that i didn't. back then i had as may reasons to drink as there are stars in the sky. of course at the time they were valid, to me. in the end it is very simple i just wanted to drink. hang in there my brother. praying for you.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  7. Give Me Strength

    Give Me Strength Active Member

    Hello,
    Still struggling with PMO and alcohol. Its amazing how I went from 28+ years of alcohol sobriety to drinking 750ml a day.

    Badger,
    Thank you for sharing! recovered vs recovering... I like that.


    GMS
     
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    There's nothing easy about all this, nothing at all. But, it only takes one decision and our life can go in a different direction. One quote I always remember is: The most powerful thing you can do is change your mind." The words are simple and profound.
     
    Give Me Strength likes this.
  9. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    GMS,
    i posted this before but here goes. AA and 12 step did not work for me. there is a very good book " rational recovery" by jack trimpey. helped me immensely. main priority for me is don't take that first drink. it is the first car in the train that kills you not the caboose. hang in there.
     
  10. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    simple but not easy. for me it is a daily priority. if i stay away from porn i have a chance at life. always appreciate your words of wisdom , Saville.
     
    Boxer17 and Saville like this.
  11. Give Me Strength

    Give Me Strength Active Member

    Hello,
    I am back on the wagon again. Today is day 8 of PMO and alcohol free. Bad headaches though especially at the back of my head and neck. Has any one experienced that?


    Thank you,
    GMS
     
    Saville likes this.
  12. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    some of it is physical-withdrawal. especially the alcohol. after day 3 or 4 days it's psychological. our bodies are used to one treatment then abruptly we stop it. it is begging to get back to homeostasis. it needs a fix. our abnormal has become our normal. need to experience this stress and pain. this is what we use our addictions for, to deal with this pain of life. i believe this is the only way i can beat this addiction. the only way to bend iron is to put extreme fire to it. my 2 cents worth. hang in there.
     
    Saville and Give Me Strength like this.
  13. Give Me Strength

    Give Me Strength Active Member

    Thank you Badger!! Good guidance.

    GMS
     
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Definitely have experienced that. I remember two weeks of hell! You are doing great, GMS! I like what Badger said about needing fire to bend iron. And, as it says in the bible "Iron sharpens iron."
     
  15. Give Me Strength

    Give Me Strength Active Member

    Hello Fellow Fighters,
    Well I am back fighting the good fight against PMO and alcohol... I cannot believe it is over a year since I posted! Where does the time go.

    Saville,
    You caught my attention on some of your last posts where you mention it is nice to see all the posts from people have gotten to know well.

    Some updates:
    I have tried to ONLY focus on fighting PMO, then ONLY focus on alcohol. But for me they go hand in hand too much. So here I am at day 1 of fighting both at the same time. As well as diet and exercise.

    Thats all for now but I will be back on soon.


    Thank you all,
    GMS
     
  16. Give Me Strength

    Give Me Strength Active Member

    Hello,
    Start of day 2 and feeling good. No strong urges yet but I am sure they will start... usually around day 7-8. I still think it will be a challenge to fight both PMO and alcohol. But it is the way I must fight these addictions.

    GMS
     
    Rudolf Geyse and Saville like this.
  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Great to have you back!
     
  18. Give Me Strength

    Give Me Strength Active Member

    Hello,
    Thank you Saville.

    Start of day 3: I was up early as usual and felt great. Then my wife was her usual self-righteous self and I started to get my usual anger and and upset. See the usual pattern here?

    One thing I have learned from many of your journals (Saville) is I need to work on finding contentment and happiness within myself and not be bothered so much by what others think, say or do... this is a huge problem for me and has been since I was young. Growing up in a dysfunctional family I was always the peace maker. Even at work I am too sensitive to what people think of me. After being married for almost 30 years, you would think I realize my wife will not change so I need to change... easier said than done though. My wife is a good person, mother and wife. She is just always so negative self-righteous.

    Anyone have practical ideas for me to work on this? Or any books to recommend! This may also be an area where AA can help me. I always thought AA wasn't for me... after all I was sober for 29 years... but with my last 3 year history of drunk every day I need to to something.

    Regardless, happy to be starting day 3 and had a couple of feel good days.

    Thank you,
    GMS
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I don't think I have anything new to say that isn't in my journal. We just have to keep trying and believe in the process. If we take care of our own stuff the paradigm shifts. My wife still can bug the heck out of me. She can be sweet one minute and a nagging, unreasonable, biotch the next. Mostly it's trivial stuff, but it does wear a man down.

    I wrote in Moz's journal that what we are is enough. This is a hard lesson to learn and it can be so elusive. I mean, what/who are we? My guide is the remembrance of those moments where I have absolutely felt like myself, when I just felt right. Even, or especially, those of us who are powered down have an internal restlessness that wants to be someone different. This leads to disharmony. Our mantra, since we were just children, has become: I'm never enough, I'm never enough, I'm never enough. Why? Because it's scary to think that we might be inadequate. That all that we are is just a normal, good, decent, reasonable, human. Gee, if I were looking for a spouse I'd say those would be pretty great qualities! :)

    A funny thing happens when we accept that we will never live up to our own expectations. We begin to discover the real beauty inside us. We become like toddlers, always experiencing something new and wonderful each day.
     
  20. Give Me Strength

    Give Me Strength Active Member

    Hello All,
    Saville,
    Thank you for the words of wisdom. I actual do daydream that I am someone else at times.

    Start of day 4: Feeling quite irritable last night and today... could be just job stress related. Heading on business travel for a few days. That is always a challenging time.

    Have a good day and stay strong,
    GMS
     
    Saville likes this.

Share This Page