Give Me Strength’s Journal: One Day at a Time

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Give Me Strength, Sep 3, 2014.

  1. Give Me Strength

    Give Me Strength Active Member

    Entry 1:
    Hello Fellow YBR Team,
    My name is GMS and I am a recovering alcoholic and PMO abuser. If I am not carful I can add prescription pain meds to my list of addictions.

    First, I would like to sincerely thank many on this forum for the help, guidance and support thus far on my road to recovery.

    From my opener, it is easy to see that I am an addictive person. And as I wrote in other places here and other forums, I truly believe my alcoholism recovery was easy because I just switched to PMO.

    I am now 100% convinced PMO has negatively affected my life and it has become unmanageable. For me the signs and symptoms are exactly what is mentioned in Gary Wilson’s great videos: Your Brain on Porn. I am anxious, irritable, lack of focus and tired all the time....

    The longest I have gone in the past 35 years without PMO is 14 days! And that was only once. It is more like a daily event/abuse for me. I am starting my second day now and I am determined to stay with this… and at least keep posting and journaling as this is the advice I hear from all of you. Post on good and bad days is what I hear from you all. I hope this will be helpful. This is such a struggle for me! I am also trying to get other areas of my life in line... diet, exercise, faith...

    So for today, I am feeling good and excited about my road to recovery. But my tests will come later this week. It is usually when I am working from home or on travel that I am most tempted. And usually when pressure is OFF and things are going well.

    So I ask for your continued help, guidance and prayers.

    Time to work now… I will post again shortly.

    Thanks and God Bless,
    Rudolf Geyse and Billy B. like this.
  2. Lightning Man

    Lightning Man New Member

    Welcome, GMS. You can do this. And we're here to help.
  3. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    Welcome GMS. We are all here for you. Read and post often; is does help.
  4. Give Me Strength

    Give Me Strength Active Member

    Thanks WRAT and Lightning Man for reading my journal and your encouragement.

    Leaving work soon for a night home alone! This is also a test time for me... especially since I have some work to do on my computer tonight. To that point, Graybeard brings up some good points in his last journal entry. How many times I am on the internet with good stuff and i drift into something not good! For me, identified this drifting before it is too late is critical... my plan is once I feel I am drifting to STOP right there, walk away from the computer and remember how this PMO crap has messed me up so much. I would like to be able to jump over to this forum and post/read posts at some point but I am not sure if I have that discipline.

    Billy B. likes this.
  5. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    GMS, I work at home alone in front of a computer. It really helped me to change my home page to a search screen. All the so-called news home pages are loaded with triggers. Another trick I use when the urges start is pick up the phone and call some one.

    Might be worth a try.
    Billy B. likes this.
  6. Give Me Strength

    Give Me Strength Active Member

    Great advice WRAT... I will try both.
  7. Give Me Strength

    Give Me Strength Active Member

    Hello Fellow YBR Team,
    Made it through a night of work on the computer and home alone... good feeling for sure. Read some more of your posts... thanks! And decided to add a day counter with a target of 30 days. My longest run has been 14 days and that was a few years ago. I am hoping this 30 day target will be updated to 90, 180 and so on. This was a bit of a decision for me since I tend to fall off big time when I fall off the wagon. And I like the advice I believe Gabe gave on not keeping a day counter but an occurance counter. I also will be keeping an occurance counter.

    So good night/day to all.
    Billy B. likes this.
  8. Give Me Strength

    Give Me Strength Active Member

    Correction. It was Underdog who gave the advice for spreadsheets over counters... Along with much other great advice in his long thread on rebooting successfully! Much thanks to you Underdog!! That post from Nov 2013 is one I will read many times. I am basing my recovery on many of the recommendation in that post... It's more then abstinence that I will need to truly recover from my addictions.

    Sincere thanks Underdog!
    Billy B. likes this.
  9. jebu

    jebu Member

    Congratulations on joining the forum, GMS.

    I am sure that you are well on your way to making your life better. Finding other meaningful and rewarding things in life to replace PMO is a well worth effort.
    Always remember that YOU are in control. You have a choice to walk away from PMO any time you feel the urge for some dopamine rush.
    But making the right choice does not feel good when you are craving for dopamine. So it may take some time before you decide to make the right choices.
    Right now, your brain is used to a large dose of dopamine too often. Bringing your brains expectation down to normal levels will take some time. But you will succeed.

    Keep posting about how you are doing. And help others forum users along the way to get away from their ingrown PMO habits. That really helps.
    Billy B. likes this.
  10. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    You have mine, Give Me Strength! Prayers especially -- let's do this side-by-side!
  11. Give Me Strength

    Give Me Strength Active Member

    Hello Fellow Fighters,
    jebu and Guy_Stewart, thanks for the encouragement, guidance and prayers. Please know you are in my daily prayers.

    Start of day 3 for me and I am feeling good. I do know first hand how that can change in literally minutes though... and that is what frightens me. Today's plan is to read more of your posts, help/encourage where I can and to re-read Underdog's great post on "My Thoughts on Reboot"... there are some very good ideas in his post.

    The more I study this addiction the more I wonder if this is the cause of so many of my issues in life: anxiety, tired, depressed, no enjoyment in life, irritable, lack of focus... I had a doctor one time diagnosis me with OCD... I read last night that is common.

    Sincere thanks again,
    God Bless,
  12. graybeard

    graybeard New Member

    GMS, good to read through your journal, and thanks for posting on mine. I'm trying to post daily as a way to, as one member put it, "keep my motivation bar full." Daily posting helps me take it one day at a time, and I would love to keep up with your posts too, be in it together as it were.

    That's great that you got recovery from alcohol. I hear what you're saying about switching addictions, but even so, you must have done some good work to make it through that, and I imagine what you learned could apply to PMO recovery as well. I'm not alcoholic, but I've taken a lot of wisdom from AA over the years. Esp the one day at a time mentality - or I should say, that's what I need to take from AA because I easily forget the one day at a time mentality! :)

    Seems like addiction and OCD are close cousins. Both have that Obsessive / Compulsive aspect to them. The main difference, as I understand it, is that addiction's compulsions have a pleasure aspect to them, whereas in OCD, the compulsions are not pleasurable.

    Anyway...thanks again for sharing your story, good to have you here, and looking forward to hearing more.
  13. Give Me Strength

    Give Me Strength Active Member

    Hello Fellow Fighters,
    Thanks Graybeard for taking the time to read my journal and your encouragement! That sincerely helps.

    Again, I have to agree with Underdog… my recovery is NOT a matter of PMO abstinence… I am a living example of this since I am 24 years alcohol free but still have many issues in my life… I need to RECOVER not abstain.
    First step according to Underdog, write a life vision… here is the beginning and I will add detail over the next few days:

    Exercise daily:
    o Walk with wife in the mornings (at least 5 days per week)
    o Light exercise with daughter in afternoons (at least 5 days per week)
    o Cycle with daughter (at least 2 days per week)
    o Eat healthier
    o Get weight down to sub 170lbs
    o Drink more water during the day
    • Spent more time on a hobby or 2
    • Start Recovery Nation program
    • Become more engaged in work
    • Grow in my faith
    • Post daily

    From Underdog: “You need to give your life direction. You need to move towards something”. To quote an author I like (Matthew Kelly): “whenever you are moving towards something you are moving away from something”. Start moving towards my life vision and away from PMO.

    In my personal experience, boredom is the start to much of my trigger. So this is even more critical for me… especially for those times I am traveling and sitting in a hotel room alone.

    Billy B. likes this.
  14. jebu

    jebu Member

    Could have been an fairly accurate description of me a few years back; Been there, done that. Did not like it. Decided to change. Much better now. :)
  15. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member


    It's always good to have another person on my team -- that way I don't feel alone as I tackle PMO one MOMENT at a time. You said it:

    I SO understand that! I reached 165 days PMO-free a little over a year ago. I thought I was "home free". Duh. A comment from my wife, a bad situation at school, and !BAM!, I was down and out.

    I don't say this to drag you down -- I say it to let you know that I will stand by you, and you will (I hope), stand by me.

    We can do this together!
  16. Give Me Strength

    Give Me Strength Active Member

    Hello Fellow Members,
    It’s Friday and I am working from home so that is always an added concern. Started re-reading a book I have read a few times (Rediscovering Catholicism: Journey Toward Your Spiritual North Star) and it is very timely for what I am trying to do in my recovery. It is all about becoming the best version of yourself. I do not want to get into too much religion here but it really is 100% in line with my recovery… not just quieting PMO but a complete life change… back to where I was at one time.

    Man, I can not tell you how incredibly encouraging it is to read your last post on my journal. I am tired of this tired, depressed, lack of emotion feeling. And I hope that as I change my complete life those feelings will improve. My life is going great… so why am I depressed all the time.

    As always, thank you for being supportive and standing by me. Yes, we can stand by each other through this and improve our lives together.

    Have a great day all,
  17. Give Me Strength

    Give Me Strength Active Member

    Friday night and I made it through a day working from home... usually a difficult time for me.
    Still feeling good. Busy weekend coming up so that is a good thing.
    Have a great weekend all.
  18. graybeard

    graybeard New Member

    Nicely done GMS. Fridays can be tough for me as well. Glad you are feeling good, and have some good plans for the weekend. Love your idea of becoming the best version of yourself. Good word for me on this Friday evening!
  19. Give Me Strength

    Give Me Strength Active Member

    Hello Fellow Team,
    Thanks for the encouragement Graybeard!

    Today started off OK... up early as usually and I was afraid the ugly ghost would consume me but made it through somehow. The house will be up soon and that will help plus a busy day.

    Plan today will be to look for Gary's radio shows as Graybeard suggested and spend some time with family.

    Enjoy the day guys,
  20. graybeard

    graybeard New Member

    Nice work GMS! As we day at a time. Definitely hear you that it helps to have the rest of the family up and around. If you get up earlier than them, might be good to have a plan in place for what you want to do with that time so the ugly ghost doesn't get you. I know having a plan helps me. Anyway, blessing to you - your encouragement has been a big help to me.

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