Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Giles, Jun 20, 2013.
Thanks for your comment - it echoes how I felt at the time!!!
Giles, I am going to step out there and give you a bit of advice regarding the ladies. Join Match.com and date a bunch. Become a connoisseur of fine women. Get to the gym. Get fit. Get some fashion help. Step out there. Some varied dating experience will take that timidity down a few notches and increase your confidence, particularly when you see that you have much to offer and that not all women are what they seem on the surface. Also, you will find your niche, that range of women who sync up with your values and visa versa. Trying to find that just randomly at yoga class can be like finding a needle in a hay stack. You are welcome to discard my advice, but I think you should go for it. I would if I were you, brother.
Thanks for the advice PlatosChariot. I always welcome advice and this is all very sound advice - so much so that I have taken many of these steps already. I have joined four different dating sites in the past 2 years including Match.com and eHarmony. I started exercising a year ago and joined the gym earlier this year. I had a personal shopper session several months back and bought a new wardrobe. It seems we are on the same wavelength in some regards.
My problem is that on paper I am not a good potential date on these dating sites. I am 40, I live at home with my parents, I am unemployed, I don't have much social life etc. My realisation since starting this process is that I need to find some independence first. I need to start earning money and develop some sense of self worth before I can hope to find someone who might want to date me. I am doing my best, and it is a process.
I really do appreciate you spending the time to say what you did - it makes me feel good about things and gives me a much needed boost of confidence. Many thanks...
Hello Giles, I can relate to all social issues you have talked about. It is a great source of anxiety and depression for me as well.
My plan of attack is to resolve the PMO issue first, because even though it is a secondary issue, it feeds the core issue and makes things much worse overall. Once PMO is taken care of (so easy to say, I know ....) I will be better off with the core issue, which is my social anxiety. But at the same time, I am afraid that this will be a much harder battle to fight. I am telling this based on other people's experiences here. But I might be wrong ... Maybe the social anxiety won't be so difficult to resolve.
Yeah.. I had some of the same issues when I was on match. I was a part-time employed, full-time graduate student taking on student loan debt (divorced with two children). You are correct. Women tend to want a man who is established, accomplished, or at the very least, self-sufficient. You need to get that job and move out, brother. That is your ticket!
Hey Giles. I been on hiatus and in the dumps a bit, but just wanted to wish you well. Hope to read about how the values course you're attending I am sure it will take you out of your comfort zone, but you'll be for the better for it. This ain't easy stuff when your looking for work, but you seem to be maintaining a positive attitude.
Doing your best is what eventually will bring you towards your goals. Small steps taken at every opportunity. Feel proud of every small thing that you accomplish. You are doing good.
As long as you keep using the dating sites you are increasing your chances immensely. When everything seems hopeless we are prone to give everthing up. But in stead we should just continue to work in small steps to increase our chances of success. Every small change contributes to the pile of big change. Keep it up.
You have made a choice to make your life better and more fulfilling for yourself. You should be proud of that. You are on your way to a better life.
Giles, just stopping by to say hi. I hope you're feeling strong and peaceful today. I'm interested to know how that class turns out.
Feeling in a bit of a funk today. I went off to the course and unfortunately wasn't feeling too good so decided to come home. I managed to attend the first day though and had some mini breakthroughs, but I'm not well at the moment so will post more later... Thanks for all the comments.
OK, Giles. Go easy on yourself today. I'm off for a couple days' road trip. Will check in on my return.
Sorry to hear you're not feeling well Giles. I know getting out of my comfort zone can be effect my health sometimes. As midge says go easy on yourself. I applaud you for doing what seems to be a big step for you.
I'm wanting to post and make sense of what's going on for me but I have had a busy few days and I'm tired and headachy and generally not feeling too good. On the other hand, I do feel I have made a breakthrough of sorts. My heads just very foggy right now, so I'm just going to sit with things for a while more...
I'm looking at your counter, Giles, and while I recognize that it does not tell the complete story, it sure does look like success to me. Keep the fire burning, man.
Cheers BE, the fire is still burning. I am most certainly committed to this process.
Giles, you are very inspiring. If you can conquer this thing, then the rest of your issues should be a piece of cake.
Giles, I'm glad the fire's still burning. I was feeling a little foggy myself today--and headachy for a few days there, but that seems to have abated. Stay the course, pal. You're doing great.
I am feeling a little better today. I have been getting a lot of headaches recently and felt extremely tired the past few days. I just keep reminding myself that this is a process and not to expect too much too soon. I am noticing improvements too, I am getting frequent erections during the day as my mind wanders into fantasy and they are definitely stronger than before so this is a good sign.
More than anything I know that I need to deal with some emotional issues and fears that correspond with this PMO compusion and start making some conscious changes in my life. As well as seeing a therapist, I am planning to attend a SAA meeting locally. I have been in contact with them now, so that is a positive step forward.
As to making changes; I went on this course and had to focus on many aspects of my life and think about who I am and what I want to do. I had a mini breakthrough of sorts which gives me cause for hope and optimism moving forward. I know that I need to take more control of my life and to start making conscious decisions and making plans. I will start with what I know... and I know that this process is of paramount importance to me. I am committed to a life free from masturbation (and porn).
I certainly gained some clarity into my life and the habitual patterns which are running and I made some changes in this regard. I know I need to use my energy for improving my health, my financial independence and my intimate relationships. Making small changes in any one of these areas will help me succeed in the others. I need most help with regard to my financial freedom, so I have decided to hire a business coach to help me realise my dreams to be self-employed and run my own business. I have thought about this before, but never had the confidence. There was also the fear of spending money that I don't really have. However, I figured I would use a loan for any start up business costs and this just becomes one of those costs...
Thank you for stopping by on my journal. Writing as we shared this in common does not come easy. Like you I'm trying to commit myself to post as often as possible. It does help. Good to read that you are doing better today.
Giles, your attitude is inspiring. I'm really happy for you. You know, I'm not really one for self-help books, but I've just been reading one that (I think) Omega Man recommended. It's called The War of Art, by Steven Pressfield. And it's a motivator, man! It sort of leans toward writers or other creatives, but it's most certainly applicable to anyone who's venturing out and trying new things in his life. I recommend it highly. Have a great day, G. Keep up the great strides!
Thanks guys. It's funny you mention this Midge, I purchased the book last week at OM's recommendation. I will start looking through it now you've mentioned it...
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