Giles' Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Giles, Jun 20, 2013.

  1. ravachol

    ravachol Onwards and upwards...

    Changing oneself is difficult, it is hard but the rewards are immense. Sometimes you need to go towards that which you fear. Small but brave steps is what it takes. Good luck, you can do this!
  2. RestartOfLife

    RestartOfLife Member

    Congrats on half-way to 90! Interesting to know more about the course you were attending.
  3. Giles

    Giles Member

    Thanks RestartOfLife. My course is this week and I will certainly report back when I can.

    I am feeling very tired today but no urges to PMO...
  4. Giles

    Giles Member

    I joined an online dating agency at the turn of the year. It has been years since I went on a date and I don't meet many people socially. I had been PMO free for 3 months when I joined and was feeling good about myself and started communicating with a couple of women. Then, when I slid back into my old ways and relapsed I couldn't get into it any more. I am pleased to say that things have picked up again in this past week.

    I have started communicating with two women, one in particular who I am interested in. I am wary of falling back into old habits again. The temptations are more pronounced as my mind wanders into fantasy all too readily. I have read about Oneitis here on the forum and this seems familiar to me. I tend to create an unhealthy attachment to someone and build up a fantasy where they are my perfect woman, the answer to all my questions. This makes communication rather tricky at times.

    I enrolled in the Authentic Man Programme a while back and I have been following some advice I came across there - to communicate what my body is saying, rather than my mind. (I'm not expressing that brilliantly, but this is the gist...) I feel like I must be making huge progress, these online dating interations are proof of this... so I am happy... and in the same breath I am more anxious as old, uncomfortable feelings abound...

    Gosh, I think I am growing as a person. :)
  5. bright_eyes

    bright_eyes Master of My Own Mind?

    Nice report, Giles. It seems you are pushing yourself to try things, regardless of whether you are comfortable or not. I call that A Man!
  6. jebu

    jebu Member

    I did project the "perfect for me" image on every "plausible girlfriend" woman I communicated with on the dating service I used. It is quite normal. You should not worry too much about it. I had a short period let-down feelings following the dates that ended with the "your'e a nice man... But...". After these dates I quickly "got back on the horse" and carried on searching for a new date. The woman I am dating now i the fourth woman I have dated within four months. And the first one this time that is looking to evolve into a longer relationship. I would never have believed this when I first came to this forum.

    I am happy that you are communicting with women, Giles. I hope you soon meet someone in real life too. Soon. Keep on making your life better for yourself.
  7. jebu

    jebu Member

    BTW; Giles, How are your new and improved sleeping habits coming along? Just want to check in on that.
  8. Giles

    Giles Member

    Thanks for the comments Jebu. Your progress is inspiring to me and shows what is possible. I am trying my best not to get my hopes up and I know it is just a process - there will be ups and downs.

    As to the sleeping. Well it has been easier this past week. I have taken your advice and I am going to bed earlier, when I feel tired, usually around 10pm. I am also trying my best to start unwinding from around 9pm. Switching off t.v and computer and maybe meditating or running a bath to help unwind. All this helps. Thanks for checking in...
  9. Giles

    Giles Member

    I am feeling very wobbly at the moment. After a few good days, I am feeling very low today. I have so many insecurities surrounding my relationships with women. I have been communicating with a woman on a dating site and we seemed to hit it off. Now, I haven’t heard from her in a couple of days and I am feeling dreadful. I am second guessing myself, I keep wondering if I said something inappropriate in my last message and my mind is creating all kinds of distorted scenarios.
  10. bright_eyes

    bright_eyes Master of My Own Mind?

    What you are describing sounds like typical dating site behavior to me. Lots of people flake often. It's just part of the dating site game. No need to take it personally. Most of the time, there is no reason for why people flake. They do because it's online, and they can.

    You are a New Man, 49 days clean. You deserve a reliable woman, not someone who flakes after a short while. There are plenty of other fish in the dating site sea...
  11. Giles

    Giles Member

    Thanks Bright Eyes. You are probably right and intellectually I know this of course. It's the emotional side of me that starts churning away. Having your objective take really helps, so many thanks...
  12. Giles

    Giles Member

    I am feeling pretty low and helpless today. After making a connection with a woman on the dating site I was feeling quite positive, but I know I still have severe ED problems and I have no idea whether they will improve, or if they do, how long this could take. My experience with PMO was pretty extreme and I tortured myself to a point of sexual exhaustion.

    As I commit to this process and begin to notice improvements in my confidence and energy levels I long for an intimate connection with a woman. Yet, I have this debilitating fear. It's a fear of being rejected, I think, at least that's part of it, and the fear of not being physically capable. I am realising the depth of the emotional issues I am going to deal with on this journey and I'm scared...

    I have just been looking into local Sex Addicts Anonymous groups in my area, and there is one not too far away. I might try to find the courage to attend one of these meetings.
  13. midge

    midge Guest

    Giles, you're making such great progress in staying away from PMO. I believe that is the thing that's going to eventually see you through this troubled time. Perhaps your local SAA group would be helpful in this effort. I've never joined an SAA group, but I've been in groups for other problems--depression, anxiety, etc.--and something about stepping out and working on the problem along with fellow-sufferers did make a big difference for me. Others here with SAA experience may chime in with better info for you. I do think your fears can eventually be overcome. You're making huge strides here, and that success is bound to eventually overflow into your social/romantic life. I hope you have a tranquil and hope-filled day.
  14. Giles

    Giles Member

    Thank you Midge. I appreciate you taking the time to reply... I know I am heading in the right direction, I have just hit a bit of a bump... This too shall pass...
  15. jebu

    jebu Member

    Hello Giles.

    You are passing through a difficult phase now around 50 days of no PMO.
    It is important that you let your frustration work you towards a better life for yourself. So far I think you are doing great and you should feel confident that continued progress will bear fruit. Of course you will not believe that things will get better. But they will.

    Regarding the dating site it is quite common to have people drop off conversation. Just continue searching for other potential partners. Try to arrange a real life meeting as soon as possible. This will help you with your anxiety. Remember that you probably did not medicate your anxiety with PMO. You most likely got anxiety as a result from abusing yourself with PMO.

    When (and not if) you get to be intimate with a woman in real life remember that her expectations and needs of intimacy are different from yours. You have to your disposal the tools of patience, cuddle, snuggle, hands, lips and tounge. Take your time with these tools to please her, not you. For her it is not about wham-bang-thank-you-mam like most men believe. No sir, womans ideas of intimacy are more about connecting than getting off as quickly as possible. Your ED may not even matter that much if you play your cards right. As long as you are confident that things will get better you will succeed.

    Keep on creating a better life for yourself. You are doing great and remind yourself that there is no need to return to your old habits just to get a short and unfulfilling moment of comfort. What you want and will have is a long-term fulfilling relationship with a supportive woman. And that will require you to stick to the right choice.

    Be aware of the dangers of relapse the coming week. Do your best to avoid that. Even if you feel bad which you most likely will feel due to urges. Your reptile brain will try to convince you to PMO. Because it want that dopamine real baaaaad. But you can do better. Eventually the urges will be weaker and your drive towards real benefits will be stronger.

    Looking forward to reading about your progress.
  16. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Hi Giles

    Sorry to hear its a tough day. But don't worry. It happens. At around the same point I started to get these same scared thoughts too. In particular the more the pmo fog lifted the more clearly I began to see all the undealt with fears and hurts that had been kept hidden. And at first this can feel a bit overwhelming.

    But the good news is that the new confidence and energy you are feeling quickly comes into play and you will likely very soon start to feel new ways to handle all these previously hidden feelings. Then you will start getting quite busy making solutions!

    So please take comfort and know it gets better and we all hav the same experience. It's so worth persevering. Your understanding of your own heart is clearly growing fast and as you kindly said on my journal this understanding is the bedrock of healing.

    Stay well my friend.
  17. jebu

    jebu Member

    Write about your insecurities. This will help. We will support you. There are even some women on the forum which might respond.
  18. Giles

    Giles Member

    Thanks for replies guys. I do feel like I am going through a tough time with this at the moment, the fantasies especially are pulling me in lots of directions and I am feeling overwhelmed. I think you are right Jebu, to allow my frustrations to work me towards a better life. This is a good way for me to look at things. I am attending a three day course starting tomorrow to focus on creating life and business plans, setting goals and working on the underlying fears. This is coming at a good time for me.

    I think, in my case the anxiety predates PMO. I was always very anxious as a child and this has stayed with me throughout my adult life. I certainly think PMO made it worse, and I have noticed significant improvements in this regard in the past year. I have spent years in therapy and as crazy as it might sound, I really do sense that I am honing in on my 'core wound' (as some people call it) and this process is the key...

    MC, this is it, stopping PMO is allowing old fears and hurts which have been hidden and repressed to surface. Feeling them and facing them and integrating them is painful, challenging and hard work. And you're right, the added clarity, confidence and energy I have from this process is allowing me to find new ways of coping and dealing with these issues. Thank you for your kind words...
  19. Giles

    Giles Member

    From a young age I became obsessed with certain girls who seemed to have a hold over me. I was rejected by any girl I ever asked out and this dented my confidence. During my late teens I always fell into the 'friends' category. I had lots of female friends but any attempts to take it further were rebuffed. I had a relationship for two years which was very good and when that ended I went into a spiral of depression. I got so low I hardly left the house for 12 years and became suicidal. During this time any confidence I had in relating with women disappeared.

    Then, a few years ago I started coming out of this depression, I started eating well and stopped PMO'ing and I met a woman at a meditation group I was attending. There seemed to be a mutual attraction and we were flirting with each other quite openly, and she was coming on to me and she asked me back to her place on several occasions. Nothing physically happened with her, but it seemed obvious to me that we were starting a relationship and I told her I wanted to go very slowly because of my insecurities. She seemed to understand, and over the course of a few months I really felt like I was falling in love for the first time in 15 years and opening my heart and letting someone in.

    Then I found out that she was in an off-and-on relationship with her next door neighbour. He also attended the same meditation group and it transpired that she had been openly flirting with me to make him jealous. When she invited me back to her place she was parading me around so that he could see us on the balcony together and I was just a pawn in her game. My world crumbled and whatever hope and faith I had deserted me and I spiralled into an even worse depression.

    Farst forward several years and here we go again. I have worked through many of these emotional and psychological issues in therapy. I can be extremely naive in certain areas of my life - I understand this. It is both a blessing and a curse...

    I am realising that one of my core issues is in identifying the blurry lines between fantasy and reality. I have a very rich inner world and I long to share this with someone intimately. I still have some issues with trust however, but I'm getting there...
  20. beatsmode31

    beatsmode31 Member

    What a c*nt. Who does that seriously

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