Giles' Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Giles, Jun 20, 2013.

  1. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    I agree on masturbation. Noticed that recently.

    Sounds a good plan on the energy and working through fears. I think a lot of us are uncovering fears hidden by PMO etc medication and are now facing them. Def. easier to face them off PMO than on. We are more grounded I think and less anxious.
  2. midge

    midge Guest

    Giles, your approach sounds level-headed to me, and you're taking good steps. And it's obviously keeping you away from PMO so far. Re-channeling that energy is the way to go. Have a good weekend.
  3. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    Perhaps re channel that energy by maki g a real-world connection with that woman, instead of just fantasy?
  4. Giles

    Giles Member

    I’ve been really ill for years, suffering from extreme fatigue, depression and chronic migraines. I’m convinced that excessive masturbation and unhealthy fantasy could be a big part in this.

    It all started when I split up from my girlfriend 18 years ago. I had fantasies of other women, one particular woman at that time, and threw away everything good that I had. Within a few months I had sunk into a deep depression, stopped working and moved back in with my parents. I slowly lost contact with most of my friends and became a virtual recluse.
    Today, I am 40 and still live in the same place, with my parents, and a part of me has never grown up, never matured, never developed. I have been feeling very sad today for what might have been…

    Thanks for your suggestion Omega Man – it’s an interesting thought. I’m not sure I feel quite ready for that yet… I’m confused about what it is that I want, and what it is that I might need… I’m not sure I am ready for a sexual relationship, but feel I need a sexual teacher or guide or healer of sorts… I saw a professional tantric guide a few months ago and this didn’t seem to be right for me. I would love for something like this to occur organically somehow, I’m just not sure how?
  5. Hi Giles. I am not sure if this advice is altogether solicited, but this is my 2 cents. If you do not have an ambitious, fulfilling career going, then steer your boat that direction full-speed. Exercise regularly.. Have a healthy diet. Move out to your own place. Sign up for Start dating . . . Start living ! Life is too good... seize it ... before it slips away.
  6. Giles

    Giles Member

    Thanks for your reply platoschariot. I think you are right... My number one priority is to find a fulfilling career. I do not work presently, I haven't for a long time. This is the area of life I want to redirect my energy into. I am crippled with fear however... My hope is that quitting PMO will give me the energy to manage my fears and get through them.
  7. jebu

    jebu Member

    You are doing fine, Giles.

    Keep making few and small goals that are achievable and enjoy reaching those goals.
    Remember not to pursue too much too soon.
    To get energy to pursue a career, start small in changing your diet and start exercising.

    Keep us posted on your progress. It will be fun to read about your successes.
  8. Giles

    Giles Member

    Thanks Jebu. My diet couldn't be healthier. I started making these changes when I first started rebooting a year ago. I have lost a huge amount of weight in this time... I have also upped my exercise a lot. I joined a gym, started taking a few classes and working out most days. Since I had my last major relapse I haven't done much. I think it's just an energy thing. The first time around I flatlined for several months and then began to get stirrings. I redirected that energy into exercise... I am not at this stage yet this time around. I do not want to force things, so I am being patient...
  9. RestartOfLife

    RestartOfLife Member

    Hi Giles, congrats on 30 days, a little early. Maybe for you it doesn't matter very much since you already made 90 days once. 90 should not be considered as the magic number, and that on day 90 some kind of miracle will happen. I'm in my 75+ days but I already feel that it will not be so. It will be just the end of the beginning...
  10. I was diagnosed with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and PD (Panic Disorder) years ago. We must not fear our fears. We must face them down. Regular exercise has helped immensely, helps get the mental chemicals balanced out and helps build competitive confidence. I play basketball at the gym about 4-5 times a week. I used to have a kind of agoraphobia, horrified of flying in planes or cramped spaces. All of that is gone now. I had to say F those debilitating feelings.. They tried to put me on meds, but those made it all worse. PMO was behind all of this. When we do not face and tackle our fears, but instead avoid and run from them through our PMO habit, they build and build into a kind of fantom within our psychology... The saying is not true "There is nothing to fear but fear itself." The best response to fear is courageous action and transcendental meditation. The first solves the problem causing the fear in the first place. The second shows that all mental states are transient illusions, not concrete, immovable facts. Through the power of calming meditation, those thoughts dissolve.

    I suppose it is possible that you have a condition that is beyond remedy. I, however, despite ambulance trips to the hospital and seeming near insanity, did not. Recovery from PMO promises to be yet another layer of the onion for me in conquering my inner goblins. Bring it on ! I refuse to cower any longer.
  11. Giles

    Giles Member

    Thanks RestartOfLife. You are right of course. The first time I started I just set 90 days as my goal. This not being enough demoralised me. I have learnt from this and I have made a life long committment to this process now.

    PlatosChariot. Thanks for your comments. I'm glad to hear you are managing without medication and your message gives me hope. I am a long time meditator so I have some awareness of the nature of these 'transient illusions'. Taking courageous action however, has been a failing in my past. I do think that PMO has hindered me in this regard... I am with you and feeling optimistic about the future!
  12. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    Congrats on 30 days, a great milestone. Do not worry if it takes you longer than others, it's not a race.
  13. better_reward

    better_reward High-speed connection is an oxymoron.™

    Hey Giles. Oddly enough your journal gave me some motivation. plutoschariot's comments might of helped. I have been unemployed for a couple years, and have just barley getting by as a freelancer. At 51 my self esteem has become more fragile then I can ever remember or at least it feels that way... and I can't help but feel that PMO has negatively effected my self image and any sense of optimism. I may always feel socially insecure, but I hope to get back in the job market and do my best to stay grounded in reality. I believe we've got to have something other that abstinence to focus on. For me, this has become a journey in discovering and acting from my values. I often get discouraged, but try remember all good things take time.
  14. Giles

    Giles Member

    I'm glad Real_Rewards. Thanks for stopping by.

    I have been unemployed for a long time. I have done some ad hoc work for a family business, but nothing really to speak of and other than that I have studied a lot, mostly from home. I am beginning to realise that there is a part of me that has never grown up and entered the real world. This part has been held back by my PMO compulsion from a teenager and has stopped me becoming a full functioning adult and member of society. I have never been truely independent and made my own way in the world.

    My focus is on regaining my health firstly, and then working to become independent. My hope is that abstaining from PMO will free up the energy to manage this.
  15. midge

    midge Guest

    Giles, I share some of those feelings about never having grown up and entered the real world. This despite a decent career (which I left voluntarily to freelance a few years ago). The thing is, I've always theorized that most people feel that way. I've heard and read so many times over the years that even successful people have those feelings of "faking it" and worrying that they're going to be found out by their peers. I've always had that feeling, especially in business, that all the "adults" around me knew exactly what they were doing while I was more or less cringing inside. I think, too, that my lifelong PMO habit played a part--as maybe it does for many--keeping me an eternal adolescent, always afraid of my "secret" being discovered. It just makes for a fearful life in several ways. I've always wanted to be fearless, and I think maybe now we're all on a path toward that. I wish you well, my friend.
  16. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    I agree with Midge, Giles. It always looks like others have great self confidence and effortless success navigating this world. It is not true. I know some people who have moved mountains but they deep down they have great fears too.

    The difference is they are able to face them.

    Guess why?

    because they are not crippled by a PMO habit. IMO it is PMO that massively exacerbates what would otherwise be normal fears and anxiety.

    Keep going as you are Giles. Maybe try some mindfulness meditation too to help with becoming more detached from your thoughts.

    My advice on the job front (if I may): Work out what your skills are and if there is something you can do from home start with some freelancing on elance or odesk. If not, try and get a part time job locally. Just a day or 2 a week to start with. Gentle steps.
  17. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    I'm with Midge, I think many people go through the "never grew up" thing. But I think MC is right too, that we have stunted any chance of growing with the PMO. Non-PMO guys are like "I'm faking it, but who cares", while the PMO guy allows that thought to cripple him subconsciously.

    It occurs to me as I write this that before, I was afraid to be a man. As in an adult male. Afraid people would see that I wasn't. That I was faking it. The longer I'm free of PMO, the less I worry about what others are thinking. The less afraid I am to start being the man I probably have been all along, just a stifled version hidden in the back.
  18. Giles

    Giles Member

    Thanks for the thoughts and advice guys - it really helps. I have to say that I am overwhelmed with the support and camaraderie here on this site. To find so many thoughtful, intelligent and caring souls in an online forum really is kind of special. I am feeling positive and optimistic about the future at the moment. The improvements I've noticed since I began this process really are remarkable when I think about it.
  19. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    I agree. This forum and the fine men here are one of the most positive, educational, connecting, inspiring experiences I've ever had on the internet.
  20. better_reward

    better_reward High-speed connection is an oxymoron.™

    Sounds like you got your priorities there. I'd say from my experience of having gone 67 days without P, I gained more energy and confidence for sure. What I wasn't so prepared for, as I hope to be this time, is managing all the financial and social insecurities I was avoiding in the first place. This is why I have been doing the values workshop. To prepare myself to make decisions when the emotional turmoil happens. Now I just need to get on a streak again and quit sabotaging my chances of improving my situation.

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