Giles' Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Giles, Jun 20, 2013.

  1. Giles

    Giles Member

    EDIT: I have edited my initial post to include a more detailed history.

    I started masturbating at age 12 or so. I moved from magazines to TV programmes to the internet during my teenage years.
    I had a relationship from age 20-22 which was great sexually. I have had no relationships since (I’m 40 now).

    My use of porn escalated in the intervening years, frequently spending 3-4 hours watching porn per day and sometimes a lot more. And my masturbation techniques got more extreme, from death grip to using toys and masturbation machines and essentially damaging my penis.

    Physically, my penis looks unattractive, with messed up foreskin from excessive masturbation with machines and I have almost no feeling in my penis – it’s almost totally numb .

    I have been to the doctor and there may be some issue with a medication I take, but there is no doubt in my mind that the largest factors in my impotence and numbness arise from the issues discussed on YBOP and here.

    I started my reboot a year ago, watching the videos on YBOP website and reading a lot. I made it 90 days okay but didn’t get any real benefit from this. I had a couple of minor setbacks but stuck with it and started to notice some slight improvements. I started fantasising about women and imaginary sexual encounters and found it tricky controlling my mind effectively.

    Ultimately, this led me to my first sexual experience in nearly 20 years. I had a paid tantric massage. It was then that I realised the extent of my numbness and lack of feeling having someone else touching me… This was a couple of months ago and brought up some deep emotional stuff and sent me racing back to porn and excessive masturbation for a few weeks. I have managed to pull myself together again and am back on the reboot.

    I am concerned that I may have done irreparable damage to my penis and that I might never enjoy a fulfilling sexual relationship now. And I know that the only way I will find out is to commit to this for the rest of my life.

    [EDIT] - For anyone new to my journal I recommend skipping forward to my 100 day Recap:
  2. midge

    midge Guest

    Hi Giles, and welcome. I'm new to this game myself, so am doing my best to find helpful info, too. One thing I've been doing--in addition to thinking through all the good feedback from other forum members here (and which you'll see more of soon)--is going through all the videos and other materials available at As it happens, I was just listening to an episode of the radio show by the guy who runs that site, Gary Wilson. The episode is called "Brett explains how to cope with porn cues and sexual tension" and it's available for listening or download at, at the bottom of the first page. He was discussing just that problem you were asking about--getting around the triggers and cues that lead to PMO. You might find it helpful. If not, there are other shows there that address various facets of the problem and which may be of more help to you.

    In any case, stick around, post often, and you'll find a community of helpful people here--all of us in the same boat, and all learning from each other.
  3. beatsmode31

    beatsmode31 Member

    Hi Giles

    Good luck in your journey. So basically you're still today going through a flatline but have urges to watch porn - fantasize a lot?

    I'm flatlining too and kept me away from PMO, but anyway porn is just doing some damage eventually let's be honest. You should quit it for good and if you have some sexual action it should be with a real person.

    What's your marital status? Do you have a gf/ wife or are you single?

    Anyway good luck again and be strong. Stick around as Midge said, it helps a lot.
  4. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    I'm assuming you saw a doctor about the ED after the 90 days? I've read that it can take up to 6-12 months or more for some guys. Surprised to hear both you with 90 days and E31 with 180 are both at flatline still. I'm in the same boat but only at 39 right now.
  5. bright_eyes

    bright_eyes Master of My Own Mind?

    Welcome aboard, Giles. We understand.
  6. RestartOfLife

    RestartOfLife Member

    Hi Giles, welcome to the right place. You probably know from YBOP site about rewiring. What if you were rebooted after 90 days, just not rewired?
  7. Giles

    Giles Member

    Thanks for your comments guys. I am going to write a more detailed introduction this weekend which will answer some questions...
  8. Giles

    Giles Member

    I have been reading through the journals here and I identify with several issues that people talk about. I certainly have social anxiety and difficulty communicating with women. I hardly socialise at all and I have been single for so long that I have several hang-ups about the idea of having an intimate relationship.

    I have read about oneitis – I had not heard of this before – and I can relate to this. I tend to put women on pedestals and believe that there is someone ‘out there’ that would make me complete. And, I am coming to realise just how much I fantasise about women and intimacy and life in general. I am living in my head and would like to be more embodied…
  9. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Welcome Giles

    Keep going. The body has amazing powers of healing IMO. What is always true is that we are better off in life without PMO than with it. PMO is anti-life.

    best wishes on your journey to freedom.
  10. jebu

    jebu Member

    Welcome Giles.

    Good to see that you have come to the YBR forum. I think you have a fantastic journey to recovery and a better life ahead of you.
    Although you might not feel that things are going to be better right now you will be pleasantly surprised.
    It will not be an easy ride but keep coming to the YBR forum and tell us how you are doing.
    There will always be compassion, understanding and helpful comments available here.

    So again, welcome and keep sharing your thoughts with us.

    Most of us forum members have had considerable insight into ourselves by working through our troubles here.

    I think your counter already has gotten you quite some way towards a better life for yourself. Looking forward to hearing more from you.
  11. Giles

    Giles Member

    Thanks for your comments guys.

    I am realising that my definition of porn needs to extend to more than just hard core porn. I caught myself yesterday as I was fast forwarding through some adverts, catching a glimpse of a scantily dressed woman and rewinding to see what I’d missed. I am also aware that I look at pictures of women and start fantasising, even if these pictures are simply of a beautiful face.

    I am pleased to have uncovered this pattern. I can now see that when I stopped porn previously, I was still engaging in similar behaviour – just in a disguised way…

    I am still in the early days of this reboot and I am flatlining at present and don’t have many urges. I am looking forward to having a bit more energy and feeling more motivated… it will happen.
  12. imout

    imout Active Member

    sounds like you are making healthy progress. All these insights are very important and show you are sincere. Keep going, keep being brutally honest. You will win
  13. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Hi Giles,

    I just read your journal, and I just want to tell you that you are courageous to undergo this change. I think you will find that this journey will change a lot more than the PMO habit. For a lot of guys here, the PMO is just the symptom, and when you successfully change that, you discover the real causes for it. That can be brutal, and life altering. For the better.

    I am sure you can stay the course and address the root cause of it all. We are here to help, so post often and be kind to yourself if you fall back, the important thing is to get back on the horse right away. I suspect you already made a significant dent into the addiction with that 90 days stretch, but for some guys who rewired at a younger age, it takes a lot longer, so keep at it. The life rewards are certainly worth it (even from my humble perspective).

    Take care!

  14. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hi Giles,

    Good start man! Writing out your thoughts on the PM addiction, and your efforts and challenges to defeat it will be great for you.
    This forum has been a big part of my journey.

    Keep writing!
  15. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    This is an important insight to gain. And I can tell you from experience that if you continue with the "tame" or "safe" stuff, there's a high likelihood of it escalating. Best to just stay away from it all.
  16. Giles

    Giles Member

    Thanks for all the comments guys. I am finding it difficult to post frequently at the moment. I am still spending time on the site and reading others' journals etc. though.

    I am so frustrated about my relapse a couple of months ago. I had made so much progress in the preceding 6 months that I wasn’t truly aware of. I am feeling tired and sluggish and without motivation at present. I am shocked that a few weeks on porn and masturbation again can have such an impact… I guess the blessing is that I now recognise how important remaining PMO free is.
  17. jebu

    jebu Member

    Hi Giles.

    Congratulation on getting to 24 days on your counter.

    Enjoy the days you are feeling good and learn from the days that you are feeling bad.
    Also make sure that you continue to write about what is happening to you.
    This will both help you open up and learn about yourself and we will support you in the
    difficult times ahead of you. You will most certainly experience ups and downs like most of us have.
    But rest assured that things will be better far quicker than you ever thought possible.
    Good to have you here with us.
  18. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    I agree with Jebu, I think writing is more important than reading if your time here is limited. Also, I can tell you that I still have days of sluggishness and laziness, depression and other negative stuff along with the positive. I believe they are normal. However I'm only just nearing 60 days (although I have more behind me with a few slips). Don't get too down on yourself about the slip. Just keep moving along.
  19. dlansky

    dlansky A husband and father trying to do right.

    Yes -- the fact that you have new clarity is a great step. That you got up again after getting knocked down means that the match isn't over.
  20. Giles

    Giles Member

    Thanks for the suggestions guys, and I think you are right about the importance of writing more.

    I had the first stirrings of an erection since I reset last month today. There is one particular woman who I fantasise about and those dreams returned this morning for the first time. I feel totally captivated by her. She is a few years older than me and we have some kind of connection – she feels it too. I feel sexually drawn to her and while part of me enjoys those sensations another hates it. It triggers loads of fears and insecurities.

    I don’t know how to deal with these fantasies other than try to channel these energies into something else. I intend to focus more on my physical health and start getting back to the gym and undertaking some cardio and strength training. I need to get more into my body and out of my head.

    Masturbating seems to be to deplete oneself of one’s natural energy and vitality. I need to harness this energy and work through my fears… I have started talking to a therapist about these issues which I think will help.

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