The beginning of my story does not have much of a twist to it; basically like a lot of people here (good kid turned retard that kind of shit xD). The only difference is that I had some anxiety issues even when I was a kid. It has been more than a year and half since I actually got addicted to porn and gradually esclated to extreme forms of porn. It is funny now that I think about it! Why? because I quit my video game addiction and really fast developed PORN addiction since I had a lot of free time. Before that I rarely would watch porn. It was mostly only masturbation without porn. But, this doesn't mean Porn has not brake me, actually I am pretty much fucked up! I guess because of my really fast esclation to extreme forms of porn and pushing myself to my limits a lot by edging and preventing ejaculation for more than my body and nervous system could handle I got fucked up much faster that I should have. I came across YBOP 6 month ago after a year of Porn addiction. I discovered why I was so fucked up in general. I mean If I was to give grade to my health, I would give it 3 out of ten. Yes! that much fucked up... So my Initial problem was not ED. I was urinating excessively to the point of constant dehydration and doctors couldn't really figure anything out (I have alot of different symptoms which somehow makes me think that I have something called dysautonomia and it actually makes sense since I was fucking my nervous system up). That's why I started looking for an answer and found YBOP and started no fap. But, my goals got bigger. I continued no fap because I was sick of this unproductive life, I was not meeting my own standards and expectations. I just wanted to be a better person, work harder, have motivation, be more disciplined and be able to do what I always wanted to. So I did it and went 94 days PMO free... but I relapsed! I lost hope! Because nothing got better or I thought that way...... It was so stupid..... I was mad about a girl, had some things going on in life that made me feel depressed so I said screw it lets just have fun.... I started playing video games again excessively and started watching porn again for almost 20-25 days till I pulled myself together and started again. But, After about 45 days of abstein I relapsed again. For the same fucking reasons I suppose. I was pissing more than usual and was fucked up heavily in the head. fortunately this time I just PMOed twice then got my shit together and started thinking logically. I am starting the process again with some adjustments! I'm starting a journal obviously; something that I didn't have. Also, this time I'm gonna be more patient and take it a little bit easier on myself since I expect a lot from myself and I usually fail to meet those expectations. In addition, I'm gonna accept failiure as part of the life in general and I'm not gonna be pissed at myself just because I'm urinating like an alcoholic everyday. I'll be posting stuff here from now on. Any support is appreciated.
Dude that sucks that you went so long and relapsed. I guess the disease doesn't ever really go away. I wonder if somebody went X amount of days and stopped feeling the need...
I don't feel that I need porn! I just have to learn to cope with my emotional downsides without relying on porn. Last night I had insomnia.... couldn't sleep nor could I wake up. It was weird (not that it has not happened before)! I was half sleep or something. I feel my libido is low. Another flatline I suppose. my second attempt to abstain did not include flatlining, but half of the first was basically in flatline.
Hey Lamedude2000, I can relate to what your talking about not being able to cope emotionally without it. Any significant changes produce drastic problems in our brains. Being so accustomed to one thing, and loosing it, can cause the brain to go haywire. Especially PMO addiction because it is so freaking powerful as it is a fundamental drive for human beings. I have struggled with many relapses before. But, real results didn't happen until I changed a lot of my behaviors. Like getting out of the house more and gym, also talking to women. It was freaking hard, my head was going crazy during those earlier months, but lately I have been better. I do not know the last time I looked at P myself. Its been a while, and I still have urges pretty frequently lately because I gotten myself into a rough spot. However, I just don't go back because it will stunt all the progress I made. And its taken TIME, like over a year to get here, and I havent been PMO free for that long, but its been a little while (3-4months I think). Just keep coming back here and keep on the fight. I am a recovering drug and video game addict, so from my experience it takes a while for those urges to go away. The brain is hard to change, but it is malleable over time. Your brain is just going crazy right now, the comfort from PMO is gone, now it doesn't know where to get its 'fix.' It will take some training to get it to a different place, but it can happen.
Thanks CookieGuy! This has been my N1 reason for relapsing. Even in my third attempt to quit, I still loose hope sometimes. Whenever things get rough in life I loose hope and tell my self you won't heal and going to be stupid for the rest of your life (cognitive impairments always scare the shit out of me) so you might as well go to the *not giving a shit attitude* so u won't feel the pain anymore. ----------- Today I couldn't concentrate at all. My head was jumping from this to that and I would get lost in imaginations (not sexual). I tried the best I could but couldn't really do much; nevertheless, I did some of my stuff, didn't give up which is good I suppose. Looking at the past makes me sad.... I was motivated, had high hopes and could concentrate on anything. I know that regret won't do me any good now, but some certain things in life makes me think what if I had an okay brain and it was not messed up by video game and porn. The fact that I can't function mentally the way I am suppose to makes me doubt about the decision that I always wanted to make. I can have an okay life if I continue this path that life has brought me to, but this would be the easy way out! ! It is scarey and probably irrational, but it's what I want and know in the future will make me to be proud of myself! It's just that I'm not sure if I can do it. I already have a hard time dealing with addiction and if I go all the way it's gonna get even harder... gosh... I have to sort my head out...
