Getting better.

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by JG55, Apr 17, 2013.

  1. JG55

    JG55 Member

    Hey guys,

    I've been bouncing around this forum and YBOP for awhile now and am finally deciding to post. This is a long story. Any insight or tips are very welcome! Ultimately I just wanted to share.

    The cliff notes of my story: I started my original reboot in January '13 and have since sought new information and help in completing it. After a few relapses, I'm hoping this journal and forum will help me stay on track and find methods to avoid PMO.

    I'm 26 years old. Like many other guys on here I started looking at some form of pornography when I was young. Though I don't recall exactly I'd guess 13 or 14. With a new age of computers and internet blossoming, I was equally intrigued and consumed by our family's first couple computers. By '99 we had the internet and I imagine that's when I first started viewing pornography. I remember going to friend's houses and exchanging floppy discs of images and things like that. It seemed perfectly normal.

    The older I got the more porn became habitual for me. I remember it being something I looked forward to, though it wasn't a necessity for me to orgasm. It was exciting and I just enjoyed it. My Mom had a conversation with me at one point. She tried to emphasize that the images of women depicted in pornography wasn't accurate and I shouldn't let them take over my mind. While I always thought myself discreet with my porn use, it seems I wasn't! And of course I thought my Mom overzealous in her worry. After all, porn didn't seem a problem then, why would it be in my future?

    Fast forward 12 years and here I am. I've had sex with two girls in my life, only one of which was a good experience. Despite having many girlfriends and being social my sexual experiences with them have always been shallow. I never really thought I had a problem. Many of the girls I happened to date as a teenager weren't ready for sex and I wasn't in a huge rush.

    I was 21 my first time and I recall it being a good experience. After that relationship ended and I graduated college, however, things really slowed down. I spent a lot of time at home not knowing what I was going to do after college.

    After settling on a career path and moving a good ways away from home, I have started my life over. I got back into shape and started making new friends. Despite some minimal social anxiety I get along well with women. I feel good about myself physically and know they find me attractive. As a friend tells me, there's absolutely nothing wrong with the way I look...just that there's something missing in my confidence. I never really knew what that was until now.

    Finally, a few months ago at age 26 I had the opportunity to have sex again. It was a disaster. Super hot girl...super soft erection. I had no idea what was happening. It had been a long time since my last sexual encounter but I never had erection issues then. And I didn't really notice any issues when I watched porn either.

    I freaked out for a little while, even got my hands on some viagra. The viagra didn't help much at all and the situation with that girl deteriorated pretty quickly. Not absolutely due to my issue, it wasn't going to work out anyways.

    I went to a doctor with my new erection issue and he did the normal checkups. After a prostate exam he thought it possible I had an infection and put me on antibiotics. After a couple weeks of rest I resumed masturbating to porn, thinking myself cured.

    As time went on, however, I realized that the quality of my erections even with pornography were not as good as they used to be. I started researching online to try to find more information on what was going on with me. Was I getting erections in the morning? Not really. Did I ever have wet dreams? Not in years. Could I masturbate without porn? With some work.

    Porn was never something I was proud of but I didn't think it the end of the world. I never thought I was addicted. I thought that if I wanted to stop using it I would. And with ease. It's largely been the scope of my sexual experiences. As disgustingly disappointing as that sounds it is true. I realized my porn viewing had become more extreme over time. I was watching certain things that I'd find disgusting in reality. Now I know that this is typical and a huge symptom of my problem.

    In the 5 years between my sexual partners I had been using porn continuously. Nothing else. Hardly any physical encounters. After reading a little online about Porn Induced ED I started to realize that this could absolutely be the cause of my issue. What else could it be? I'm young, thin, and physically active. My diet isn't wonderful and I can totally improve there. But as far as I know I have no heart issues.

    With the bits of information I found, I realized it was time to put porn behind me. At the start of the New Year I decided to stop. And I did for awhile. It surprised me, actually, how little desire I had to look at it after quitting. (Of course I have since learned it was just a flatline). Then February rolled around and things became more difficult. By the end of the month I was really struggling. (BTW I had one or two MO's up to that point. I had been keeping track and do have a journal.) Up to the end of February I had noticed good improvement. Sensation was coming back. My penis didn't seem small and dead. I was even semi aroused by the sight of a girl in public. HUGE things for me that had NOT been happening.

    I even had a wet dream! It was crazy!

    Then as often happens in these stories I fell off the wagon. A MO at the end of Feb led to a March full of PMO'ing. Not every day, just intermittently with a 5 days in a row being the worst. I fell into a cycle of "I can start over tomorrow". At the start of April I began another reboot. Two weeks later I relapsed again.

    I know it's not the end of the world and some progress has already been made, but it is very disappointing.

    Since starting my original reboot in January I earnestly sought more information about my problem. Most of all I wanted LEGITIMACY. I wanted to know that I was going through something real. Finding YBOP and this forum has certainly given me that and I'm very grateful for it. While the information on this type of ED is not very accessible, the quality is awesome. I have friends I can talk to about my issue but they don't completely understand. They wonder if there is something else medically going on. Reading accounts on this forum and that 6 part video have confirmed for me that this is what I have. Especially given my results in the first month and a half of my reboot.

    At this point I need more accountability. I need to tell others about my problem and what I'm doing to solve it.

    Equally so, I need help.

    The flatline periods are easy to bear. It's the "craving" that does me in. I've realized that I end up "sitting" in my desire for porn. I realize my body wants that dopamine hit. I start thinking about the things I used to watch (or these days...do). It happens often when I wake up from bed, or am inactive around the apartment.

    Often times the feeling is very crippling for me, even if I don't act on it. I'll feel tired or lazy. It feels like I'm stuck in molasses thinking about porn.

    I'm dramatizing too much but you get my point. I've read some people do push ups until they drop. What do you do?

    I need to figure out things I can do to combat that feeling when I get it. Because lately it seems I just give in after awhile. I read the "Top 3 mistakes" thread and agree wholeheartedly. Porn is not an option. It doesn't exist to me. The mindset is wonderful but unfortunately doesn't always work.

    I watch porn 100% of the time on my iPhone though I do have a laptop. Is it helpful to put some web blockers up? The idea that I can't control myself is silly...but I obviously cant. Though I worry that even with those precautions I still need to ultimately cure my mindset of it's faults. The only real blocker will be me deciding NOT to look at porn.

    So anyways.....if anyone has any tips or suggestions on getting through these bumps in the road I'd greatly appreciate it. There are other areas in my life that I can improve on as well. I suppose this is a good opportunity to focus on them too.

    There is so much life out there for me. There are so many things for me to enjoy. Porn is not one of them and will only be dead weight in my life's journey. I want to sleep with a lot of different women. Then I want to get married and have kids. Porn accomplishes NONE of that. I have no use for this anymore and I want it gone.

    I'm ready to start my real life.
     
  2. johnnyfive

    johnnyfive New Member

    Re: Making Progress and Accountability

    Hey there, interesting read and I found a lot of similarities between the two of us. I lost my virginity at 16 with my girlfriend at the time and apart from sex a couple of times in that relationship I've not had sex since and i'm 25 now. I'm a good looking guy and would fairly regularly go home with girls after nights out but would usually have issues getting hard enough to penetrate. I put this down to nerves or all the alcohol I'd been drinking but it was still a concern for me. Despite how attractive some of these girls were, none of them could make me O, either through bj's or hj's. I still didn't think I had an issue, I would abstain from masturbation a couple of nights before if I thought I would be hooking up but since it always involved alcohol as well I usually put it down to that. However, I've not been going out so much the last few months and stopped dating so feeling like MO was the only way to enjoy myself my addiction has really become an issue. I was spending 6-7 hours, staying up until 5 or 6 in the morning looking at porn, and it was becoming stranger and stranger stuff - things I wasn't even attracted to. Luckily I happened to come across this site at my lowest point.

    I'm still fairly early in my first reboot so still have a long way to go but hopefully we can motivate each other to stay strong.
     
  3. JG55

    JG55 Member

    Re: Making Progress and Accountability

    Thanks for reading dude! Yeah it does sound like we've had very similar experiences. Not being able to enjoy sex in real life can be so traumatic. It makes sense that maturing with porn messed up our brains.

    6 hours, interesting! Honestly porn has never been a time consuming thing for me. I'd watch it and 15 minutes later I'd be done. A friend of mine enjoys watching porn "for fun". He won't watch it for orgasm but could spend an entire night watching. Fortunately for him he doesn't have any performance issues in real life. It seems like he's always been sexually active as well though.

    Anyways, best of luck starting your reboot. Let's reconquer this part of our lives!
     
  4. JG55

    JG55 Member

    Re: Making Progress and Accountability

    It's been about a week since my last reset. Feeling good.

    I'm glad that I was able to minimize the effects of my relapse. After only a week things seem more normal again. My penis is back to looking "healthy". Cravings from no M are starting up again and I know they'll keep getting worse especially over the next week. Two weeks of no masturbation seems to be a difficult point for most guys and I certainly agree.

    The plan is to avoid any type of triggers and to find an activity whenever the craving gets really bad. We'll see how it goes. I'm resigned more than ever to the fact that the longer I go without masturbation the faster I'll become sexually healthy. And a great part of life doesn't begin until I'm sexually healthy.
     
  5. johnnyfive

    johnnyfive New Member

    Re: Making Progress and Accountability

    Excellent attitude to have JG55, I agree with you.
     
  6. future

    future Guest

    Re: Making Progress and Accountability

    way to bounce back dude. good luck!
     
  7. JG55

    JG55 Member

    Re: Making Progress and Accountability

    Past the two week mark now and still in the game.

    I've realized I'm likely in a flatline though sometimes it's unclear. Most of the time I'll feel very detached from the idea of sex and my penis seems cold and shriveled.

    Then a few hours later I'll really feel a desire to masturbate. It's not as bad as it's been before though. I saw a trigger accidentally tonight and didn't PMO or masturbate.

    I have moments where I think about PMOing but the thought of starting this process over stops me. I just can't keep doing this anymore. Gotta push through this and get on to my real life. Hopefully that will be enough for me to stay away from PMO. I love the thought that "Porn is not an option. It doesn't exist" and while I'd like to have that base line in my brain it isn't quite there yet. I hope that isn't a huge hindrance on the road to success.

    I've also firmly decided to not masturbate for at least 60 days. It sounds like this is the magic number for a lot of guys and I'd like to make it there myself. MOing is definitely better than PMOing but it sounds like you really get results from not MOing.

    This sounds like a douchey thing to say, but I've become increasingly aware of the potential sex partners out there for me. One girl actually directly asked me if I wanted to have sex with her. Which is crazy! Damned unfortunate that I'm not well enough to dive right in.

    I haven't found someone that is dating material and capable of handling the baggage I've got right now. It would be nice to find someone cool.
     
  8. johnnyfive

    johnnyfive New Member

    Re: Making Progress and Accountability

    haha, I feel you on girls popping out of the woodworks at the worst time. It might be related to the general self-improvement; we're becoming more attractive to girls now. My gut instinct is the no MO (initially at least) is the way to go but there is guys on here who have done well MO-ing so it's hard to say.

    Keep up the good work!
     
  9. JG55

    JG55 Member

    Re: Making Progress and Accountability

    My penis seems healthier today. Like it has more life in it. More weight to it. I'm wondering if the flatline will be over soon and I'll start having a more difficult time resisting PMO.

    I like the accountability this forum and a journal gives you. However it feels like way more than 20 days since my last reset. Porn isn't an option. Numbers don't matter. Every day is just another day forward and my body will heal and do everything I want it to.

    Here's hoping! My physical sexual experiences have been so lackluster that I have to remind myself that such experiences can be way better than anything I get from porn. Long term satisfaction and pleasure trump short term, temporary releases.
     
  10. JG55

    JG55 Member

    Re: Making Progress and Accountability

    Random thought:

    The last time I tried to have sex (7 months ago) the girl was staying at my place for the weekend. I was so freaked out about my lack of erection. At one point I got in the shower alone with my iPhone in hopes of testing my penis. I ended up PMOing in the shower instead of having an orgasm with the hot chick staying in my bed.

    How fucked up is that?!?

    Pretty clear sign of porn ED I'd imagine.
     
  11. JG55

    JG55 Member

    Re: Making Progress and Accountability

    Cravings are back pretty strong today. Gotta keep focused on other things. Really feel like I'm fighting myself right now.
     
  12. johnnyfive

    johnnyfive New Member

    Re: Making Progress and Accountability

    I can relate to MOing in shower with hot girl on your bed. With one of my ex girlfriends I once went into the shower and did that while she lay there. When I came back she tried to initiate sex and i eventually had to admit what I'd just did. She was naturally rather upset.
     
  13. JG55

    JG55 Member

    Re: Making Progress and Accountability

    Well I'm back to square one. This time felt more difficult than any other for some reason. It's like I'm mentally more aware of the battle and thus it's harder to just let the days go by.

    Man am I addicited to this shit though. Those first 20 days were no big deal, then BAM. I put a browser lock on my phone because that's how I'd usually view it. That turned it into something else for me to beat though and I just looked at it on my laptop.

    I'm not sure what steps I can take to help myself out. At the end of the day you just have to decide to stop it. There's still something inside me that says "Eh it's no big deal just stop when you meet someone important." Which is CRAZY especially after all I've been through.

    SIGH...

    I'm not going to binge on it this time and just try to stop thinking about it.
     
  14. future

    future Guest

    Re: Making Progress and Accountability

    Keep fighting dude, Your going to get stronger from every relapse. :)
     
  15. JG55

    JG55 Member

    Re: Raising my STANDARDS and leaving Porn behind

    I started reading Tony Robbin's Awaken the Giant Within and it became immediately applicable to my porn problem.

    My standards are high. Porn is below them. We have to truly decide not to watch porn for the rest of our lives. When that decision is made new methods and new ways to accomplish that choice will be found.

    At least I hope so! I have decided to raise my standards and not watch porn again.

    On one hand I find this easier said than done but I have to ingrain this in my mind and let it guide my actions.

    I'm hanging out with a girl tonight for the first time in awhile. I've sort of avoided dating while I've been battling this. But that's silly. I'm not ready to have sex or really do anything sexual aside from making out. I hope doing normal things again will help my body heal and socializing without feeling like a freak may help.
     
  16. Generico

    Generico New Member

    Re: Raising my STANDARDS and leaving Porn behind

    Right on, man! You know what pace you're at, things will come around. Glad you found some inspiration. Stay positive.
     
  17. JG55

    JG55 Member

    Re: Raising my STANDARDS and leaving Porn behind

    Well hanging out tonight with the girl wasn't that great. I was just so awkward. I think I've gotten used to not wanting to push physical encounters too far because of fear that my body won't work. We ended up kissing a bit. I didn't get an erection, but I did feel something down there. Hard to describe.

    Anyways, I've clearly got a ways to go. My body needs to heal and I guess my mind does too.

    What do other guys out there do? Go cold turkey with physical encounters? The first time I did a reboot about a month in I made out with a girl and got an erection. Don't think it was 100% but I definitely felt the reboot working.
     
  18. johnnyfive

    johnnyfive New Member

    Re: Raising my STANDARDS and leaving Porn behind

    Having similar issues with rewiring to real girls JG55. On one hand I feel i'd be better waiting but at the same time I want to test myself with girls which is a terrible motivation. I do think I need to start dating again soon but feel a bit apathetic about it at the moment.
     
  19. JG55

    JG55 Member

    Re: Raising my STANDARDS and leaving Porn behind

    Yeah it's tough! I think women notice when you have some fire behind you, if you know what I mean. While going through a flatline I'm so similarly apathetic that it can't be the biggest turn on.

    I just find myself not motivated to start anything physically. The idea of having "the conversation" at a certain point just makes me want to avoid it altogether.

    Resetting with someone cool and easy is of course a great idea. Don't know how to get there though.
     
  20. JG55

    JG55 Member

    Re: Raising my STANDARDS and leaving Porn behind

    I've started to notice the different ways my body feels when I'm by myself, as opposed to with a girl.

    I've certainly gotten erections with women and know what it's like to be aroused.

    But when you're alone and possibly crave porn, is that your body just craving the dopamine? I guess that's what it is when you don't have an erection but feel that arousal.

    As opposed to last night when I was making out and felt a different kind of arousal but didn't get an erection.

    Does that make sense to anybody?
     

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