Getting (and staying) away from it all.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by A Streetcar, May 15, 2016.

  1. A Streetcar

    A Streetcar New Member

    After stumbling onto this site a little over a year ago, I finally decided to join and start posting here.

    I am mid 50s, been MO since my early/mid teens and started PMO once I started college. So, I've been at this for quite a while. But it was the easy internet access to porn starting in the late 1990s (my late 40s) where things really took off.

    It was a real eye-opener to come across this site and also YBOP -- both for confirming what was only a vague sense that I had a problem, and showing me that I am not alone. Just reading that other people were going through the same thing I was helped give me the will to stop or at least try. My reboot started last year in March 2015, and went pretty well for a while but then I stopped coming here and the porn viewing gradually escalated, mostly PM without O until PMOing in March of this year. After scaling back briefly, I went to "cutting corners" (youtube videos, or viewing porn via google or yahoo image searches -- telling myself that I wasn't actually going to porn sites so it was okay).

    After spending way too much time looking at this stuff a week ago, I decided it was time to come back to this place and read more from others who are going through this too. I am married, but we're not sexually active, so that is a complication that without PMO I don't really have an outlet. (Other than, when I am truly staying away from P, every couple of months I'm awoken by a wet dream.)

    Thanks to everybody who has posted here and helped inspire me.
     
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Re: Getting away from it all.

    I'm also, at the moment, in a sexless marriage, so I know all too well the temptation of wanting that release. I used my wife's lack of availability to justify my use of P, which I view now as pathetic behaviour. I'm hoping that if I change the behaviour then other things might have a chance to change, as well. I just posted for my first time yesterday, so I'm a newbie to the forum as well.

    I'm with you, bro'.
     
  3. Posse88

    Posse88 New Member

    Re: Getting away from it all.

    I think being in a sexless marriage makes it so hard to stop cause it almost doesn't seem worth it if you arent going to get satisfaction from somewhere else. I am also I'm a sexless marriage and actually started to have an affair but then the many years of pmo has effected my erections and lack there of. I'm in the middle if thinking of getting a divorce but the fact that I feel like I may have a hard time to fully satisfy a women because if my ed makes me think i should just accept my marriage an give up which makes me feel terrible.
     
  4. A Streetcar

    A Streetcar New Member

    Re: Getting away from it all.

    Thanks guys for chiming in. Yeah, the "no sex" lifestyle can sure make it easy to justify PMO or going outside your marriage. I find it's weird to be thinking along the lines "I might never have sex again, ever", since when it comes down to it is a pretty awesome thing to experience when it is good.
     
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Re: Getting away from it all.

    The more I read this site, and many of the excellent books suggested here, I've come to realize that the most significant changes must be made with ourselves. No sex in a marriage sucks, but I made a choice over 20 years ago to give fapping more priority than being intimate with my wife. I believe it's not too late for my wife and I to find fun again in having sex.

    Props for keeping on with the struggle!
     
  6. A Streetcar

    A Streetcar New Member

    Re: Getting away from it all.

    Checking in again. About a year ago I realized that porn was an addiction, but I got this emotional lift when I realized I was not alone in that addiction. A week ago I joined here, and got another emotional lift when you guys let me know others are dealing with a sexless marriage and again I learn that I am not alone.

    Thank you brothers.
     
  7. A Streetcar

    A Streetcar New Member

    Re: Getting away from it all.

    With this post I am sharing some links that I have found helpful in getting away from porn and keeping myself off of porn. This is as much a reminder to myself as it is an attempt to share stuff that has for the most part worked for me. Not saying I am totally clean and in the clear by any stretch, but the following have definitely helped the cause in my case.

    Techniques for quickly & effectively diverting attention away from porn and porn triggers.
    http://yourbrainonporn.com/other-techniques-for-rewiring
    I have found the Red X method described in this link has been working for me as a quick and easy-to-use "fire extinguisher" when my mind starts heading down that path ... I usually imagine an obnoxious alarm sound along with visualizing the red X.

    Reading what women have to say about men.
    I've found it helps to have reminders of the fact that women are people. It gets my brain away from thinking of women -- and images of women -- as objects to aid MO activity. Reading what real women have to say about their day-to-day treatment by men, sexism, dealing with creepy guys, etc. helps to steer me towards a "reset" mindset. The following two articles are among my favorites:
    https://kateharding.net/2009/10/08/guest-blogger-starling-schrodinger%E2%80%99s-rapist-or-a-guy%E2%80%99s-guide-to-approaching-strange-women-without-being-maced/
    https://driftingthrough.com/2015/11/20/the-thing-all-women-do-that-you-dont-know-about/

    I find that reading about most any instance where a woman has been the victim of sexism or creepy-guy behavior has a real sobering effect.

    This long but thoughtful post from TheUnderdog.
    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0
    I admit I have NOT read through his entire post, but have found two sections to be inspiring or helpful. Just search on the phrases below to find them.
    "Thinking About Sex is USELESS"
    "sickening obsession with long streaks"

    Hope this helps.

    Streetcar
     
  8. A Streetcar

    A Streetcar New Member

    Re: Getting away from it all.

    Hope that last post doesn't make it sound like I have this thing licked. I don't.

    12 days since I last looked at P. 77 days since last PMO.

    Thankful for this site.
     
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Re: Getting away from it all.

    It really is a lift to find out we are not alone, isn't it? To find a community where we can come for support without shaming is huge. I figure we've all beat ourselves up enough and now it's time to feel good about the actually decent people we are. We've stumbled, but now we're up and taking charge.

    I believe with successful work on ourselves that our marriages can bear, as yet, unknowable fruit. I'm looking on the bright side.

    77 freaking days with no PMO. Wow!
     
  10. A Streetcar

    A Streetcar New Member

    Re: Getting away from it all.

    Checking in. I'm about a week into a work trip that has me away from home and in a hotel room by myself every night. So far so good. My approach going into this trip was just to get through the first night alone without P, M, or O, which I did, and I am surprised that I have been able to stay away from it this whole time.

    A big thank you to everybody who posts on this site for providing inspiration.

    No PMO since early March, No P since early May.
     
  11. A Streetcar

    A Streetcar New Member

    Re: Getting away from it all.

    Without realizing or intending it, this thread has become my journal, though maybe not in frequency or level of detail that others write.

    The recent trip out of town went fairly well. Had some, how shall I refer to it, "touching myself" episodes while alone in the hotel room, with some brief M thrown in but no P or O -- in fact not even close to O-ing. (Part of why I don't do the counting-the-days report is that it is hard to know where things stand with having these brief excursions from 100% pure behavior. So I acknowledge that things aren't 100% with me, while being glad that I'm in a much improved frame of mind now than I used to be.)

    My recovery efforts since a year ago have taught me two important things that must be kept in mind if I am to really get away and stay away from porn:

    First, I now have a good, reasonable confidence that I can stay away from it when I am alone. This only comes from successfully resisting porn or doing PMO a lot more often than not, when given the opportunities, and to get there it took me about a year of good, thought not perfect, behavior.

    But also, realizing how easy it is to relapse! It's important to stay on your guard so that this confidence thing is kept at a reasonable level, so you don't get overconfident. I realized this after getting drawn back into porn and porn-substitutes last month. I was getting into stuff that I rationalized at first as "not really porn": lingerie websites, "mature audience" youtube videos -- even looking at porn images from google image searches ... hey, I didn't go to any actual porn websites, right? At least that's what I was telling myself until I realized my brain didn't really care about this distinction.

    Stay strong and keep up the good fight, my friends.

    Streetcar
     
  12. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Late 90's is when I developed ED issues, lock step in line with high speed internet porn viewing escalation. I was around 27/8 years old. I am aware of at least two other guys that started popping ED meds around that time (same age as me), I followed their lead.

    Wish I knew then what I know now, but life goes on.

    All I know is that getting off P solves ED problems and cognition problems for me like nothing else I have ever tried...I wondered what was wrong for years.
     
  13. A Streetcar

    A Streetcar New Member

    Whoa, can't believe it's been over a month since I was here last. Mainly, I have just been busy with life and (fortunately) staying away from porn. In short, doing well.
     
  14. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Great work!
     
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    WOOT!!! :D
     
  16. A Streetcar

    A Streetcar New Member

    Still doing well!

    Can't believe it's been nearly 3 months since my last visit. No PMO in that 3 month span, or since last March/April for that matter.

    For me, the big struggle was getting through the first year, with major reduction in activity ***. I noticed it is now a lot easier to resist temptation, and find other ways to occupy my mind and time when I'm alone. But that 1st year was tough. If you can make it that long, it does get easier, at least it did for me. But could be being in my mid 50s and the associated lower hormone levels is helping too.

    *** "reduction in activity" for me meant just 1 PMO incident, along with some ongoing PM and P-substitute viewing.

    Time to check in with 40New30's and Sayville's journals after posting here!

    Stay strong everyone.
     

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