Get my life back

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nattie, Nov 5, 2013.

  1. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    after 50 days of my 2nd reboot, i had a relapse. PMOed 6 times in a span of 24 hrs. bad one. met my counsellor y'day. feeling a lil better now. went thru all the emotions of despair, hopelesness etc.

    but i did experience some amazing times in these periods of reboot. i got a flavour of who i really am. i.e. how courageous, energetic, sharp, sensitive i can truly be. it was a great experience.

    have been reading the stickies in the forum on stop obsessing about counters & focus on life, there are more learnings from the previous reboot to be taken up further & some more new changes to be brought in the approach.

    i want to start back on the journey!.
  2. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!


    im feeling quite down. i just binge PMOed 4 times in 4 hours. trigger was an unexpected awful feedback at work.
    im feeling super bad now.. hope to crawl my way out of it.

    after doing 61 days & 51 days, feel i have been on a down hill, i did a 17 days, then 7 days & now another 7 days :(

    feel this habbit is getting the better of me :'( :(
  3. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    so the story so far is 3 reboots of 60 days & 50 days & 45 days & few 2 week reboots.
    just PMOed y'day by going to the rest room at office. felt compelled to 'let it out' & then the usual shame , repeat cycle happened.

    i have discovered new aspects of myself during this whole period & certainly my whole life has been better.. but the struggle continues ..
    want to end this & discover my complete freedom.

    at least 1 realization i have is , its not my fault that im caught in this.. due to my own ignorance & countless external factors (internet, competitive pressures), i have taken to emotional relief from porn & now im dealing with its conditioned effects. One this is certain, growth is possible, freedom is possible.. i will keep going.
  4. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    PMOed thrice the y'day morning before going to work & thrice the night before that .. office day y'day was hell .. i had constant urges to go the loo & PMO (using my smart phone).. i some how fought through it .. Have done one 60 days , one 52 & one 45 days -- damn that is abstinence focus than health .. cant help looking at it that way for now atleast.. will focus on shifting the perspective later .. i was vexed by many questions besides the usual terrible shame, low self esteem & the way these two affect all aspects of life - at work & relationship. i was wondering why is this affecting me so much, why cant i just go about it like - PMO at a normal /'reasonable' frequency ? .. like say once or twice a week .. afterall i am an adult male with biological sex hormones inside me .. even when i do which is clearly quite infrequent these days .. why do i binge ? why do i go down on my self esteem with shame despite wanting to forgive / forget, get on with it ? why do the urges come so strongly after one relapse .. i also feel like going the full distance if i have had a relapse after a long abstinence & have some good fun PMOing have any way relapsed .. in my relative gradation of PMO categorization it means watching a live webcam sex show & PMOing ..

    what i have realized so far is what affects me so deeply psychologically is the experience of compulsiveness - not having freedom or choice when in the grip of the PMO binge cycle .. its very scary too .. i feel very helpless, hopeless, weak , worried, scared of how this will affect my future etc which is what hits my self esteem so badly .. after every binge fleeting thoughts of suicide pass by my mind which is also a marker for me on whether i have hit a misery 'low' in my binge cycle ..

    & looks like behind this compulsive experience & the binge process there are biological aspects (source YBOP) like dopamine & other neural changes.. those explanations aside, the havoc it is wreaking on my life is painful . got to get all that biological stuff to work for me to gain more freedom from this habit..

    i have long used porn as an escape route / stress reliever in life. thats where the compulsiveness comes from .. god. i wanna be my best me. not an addict who wastes paft of his life in misery, failure, coping. help me.!!
  5. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    hi guys,

    PMOed 4 times.. in a span of 4 hours. feeling pretty shitty.

    Want to crawl my way out of this hole.

    Have been doing pretty well - keeping porn under control
    this relapse is after 30 days & have been doing well in life in general.

    but this lapse now.. sad, got to pull myself up & going.

    May my strength, god & well wishers like you all be with me!

  6. NoFap Warrior

    NoFap Warrior New Member

    Hi nattie,

    I have been there before - that cycle of PMO: feeling bad, PMO, then feeling worse after.

    Since my PIED outbreak in April 2013, I have been through many ups and downs in my recovery process - I once did a streak of 44 days no PMO, and I have just broken that record, currently on 45 days.

    Perhaps you may want to find a quiet place, sit down and think through more deeply as to what PMO means to you? Is it a way for you to escape certain kind of negative emotions (e.g. sadness, anger, depression)?
  7. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    Hi folks,

    i started my new drive of no PMO on Sep 23 after a binge and a low.

    I PMOed today after a 21 day no PMO break.

    Want to better this record now and i will work bring back all my multi pronged approach to take this out from my life.

    Wish me luck in bringing this down as realistically soon and completely as possible.

    I am going to install K9 in both my laptop & smart phone.


  8. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    Was a bit stressed and overwhelmed in the morning.

    Caught myself before slipping into a relapse 8) :D yay!!

    Recommitted myself to the change.

    The core of this : to replace going to porn with healthy and enjoyable emotional management strategies.

  9. Rissen

    Rissen Member

    Well done Nattie! Excellent job :)
  10. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    Thanks for the encouragement rissen.

    had a super day yesterday socially in terms of meeting people and productivity wise .. Was in a real high . i was watching a late night movie . got aroused by the female lead and PMOed once.

    Its been nearly 20 hours since . havent PMOed after that.

    Resetting the counter again.

    Goal : to cross 7 days and then build it from there.

  11. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    Had a relapse. :(

    PMOed twice within 3 days of the earlier PMO. Bad frequency.

    Gotta get back up.

  12. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    I re started my PMO recovery 3 weeks back with renewed vigour. since then had a 12 day clean streak. then PMOed once. After 6 days PMOed once again yesterday.

    what happened yesterday:
    there was no one at home. Wife and daughter were away. I started watching normal stuff in TV - cricket / movies etc. then watched some songs. then saw a stimulating song. got a hard on. continued watching. then started searching for a stimulating song browsing some 20 channels that play songs. That's when I got hooked. when I 1st started searching for an erotic song. Then I spent nearly 2 hours searching, edging but not ejaculating and then finally ejaculated.

    I am moving on. I have forgiven myself. I am committing to learn from this slip.
    Below are my lessons that I am including in my recovery approach :

    Do not watch TV alone at home. It is a trigger for me.
    Do not watch songs in TV. After some time, I start 'searching' for a stimulating song .
    Read books instead of watching TV especially if I am alone.

    Once I start the ritual, then will power doesn't work. Sooner or later I complete the ritual to feel relieved.
    Key is to stay away from triggers (alone TV watching) and stay away from starting the ritual of searching for a stimulating song.

    So long. Aim. To stay clean for one whole week and repost my success again.

    Wish all my friends on the post success . This damn thing needs to be eliminated. life is beautiful without it. Lets also be kind to ourselves when we slip yet be determined and learn from when it happens.

    with hope, determination and self compassion,
  13. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    Aah. I relapsed. PMOed Thrice. Feeling really down. The trigger was stress. Will claw up and out.
    so determination is doing it. I am going to be kind to myself. accept this. accept myself. give myself time. be serious about coming out.
    goal: Just a good tomorrow.
  14. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    Relapsed after a 22 day clean run.
    my longest in 3 years.

    Feeling a bit down that I relapsed. my dominant feeling right now is feeling great that I had a 22 day run and this experience was like a discovery.
    what I learnt:

    When I practice the healthy way of life, The urges come down. Life does get easier. The urges come, I have learnt that I can observe them and let them pass. They don't have such a control that I am helpless. unless I participate I don't act out. I have it in me to observe and let it pass.

    Life was great in the past 2 weeks. There were stresses and I was stressed. What made life great was the periods when I felt deeply confident, joyous, light. the way I did my best in responding to my stresses. "I am flawed / not ok" was not the struggle I was having. I experienced myself as Ok , the struggle was next level growth issues like - how I deal with conflicts, how I can give up planning and trying to control everything etc.

    my biggest learning is the discovery of my life path : to achieve spiritual perfection and wholeness. to discover all that I am. Staying away from porn is a natural byproduct of this healthy way. I also focussed exclusively on staying away from porn. few times I reflected on the dangers of porn watching. The primary pre occupation however was on this purpose of my life. This was initiated by my unplanned visit to an ashram in a neighbouring city.

    whatever daily routine activities I need to do, I need to club it with my morning meditation sitting. other routine seem difficult for me.

    this time I slipped because I found the trigger irrestable and I subconsciously decided let me have the pleasure.
    my biggest focus right now : I want to maintain my vigilance. I want to prevent complacency.

    will come back later in the day and post more lessons from this reboot experience.
  15. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    What led to my slip after 22 days was I was feeling turned on a lot by all kind of triggers .. beautiful women on the road.. magazine pics.. occasional TV scenes etc .. I was letting them pass without investing any mental energy .. I was also super happy ... excited and been doing lot of spontaneous acting .. like just make a call to a friend .. jump in into a client discussion with just enough preparation etc ... I was instinctive in a good way .. then I think it became instinctive to the urge too ...

    I have been doing well since morning .. living healthily .. meditated. cycled in the gym. tackled some important decisions.

    the principles from this run would be :

    Live based on my core life purpose :
    To discover all that I am and be a force of good in the world.
    This is as my prayerful aspiration. I hold this aspiration with sincerity , humility, earnestness and determination.
    Living this aspiration led me to
    a) give up my attachments - to achieve, to become famous, to be perfect, to feel pleasant always.. and instead live from a prayerful aspiration and determination
    b) recognize the truth that I am and every one else is also a divine being. This divine being in me possesses qualities of being a witness, loving and compassionate towards myself and others, live from a deep prayerful aspiration, exercise will informed by an intelligence , live in faith.
    c) recognize the various parts of me, their movements, and live from the divine or the psychic
    d) give up trying to control things and engage with uncertainity with faith
    e) joy , sensitivity towards others, a deep sense of security that I am the master of my destiny

    What it takes for me is to be unwavering in this path.
    next time after a 20 day gap, I will look at having sex with my wife so that natural physical pressure doesn't build up so much.

    So I have a question for any one who reads this - Is it true / scientific fact that semen needs to get released once in every 2-3 weeks. Would any abstinence be against nature ? I'm thinking now that I have said no to PMO / MO - may be I should plan an intercourse with my wife once in 3 weeks or sooner . what do you think ?

  16. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    I relapsed after 14 days.
    the stress of dealing collection of payments from very callous cheats for my house sale in my home town was very high and I was alone in a hotel room with a TV - just couldn't help but PMO.
    sad. depressed. feeling defeated. I know I will come out of this very soon - by tomorrow. right now I am just very sad. feel like this thing is very too difficult to come out of. I feel sad, wonder how much neural damage I may have done. PMOed thrice last night and twice in the morning. so 5 times in a span of 12 hours. hmm. gotta live with this bitter fact. gotta live with whatever damage I may have caused for brain rewiring, karma etc. I can only control my present choices and I will do it as best as I can. I do feel low in energy and slightly fogged out in my head. wonder if I am imagining it bit too much cos I expect to feel them! The good part is - I am not beating myself up for being a flawed being or a moral lapse. I just see it as a sickness that I need to eradicate or make it irrelevant completely. I don't need to be and I am not ashamed of having it. It is like diabetes or any other condition. that needs to be addressed and be relieved from it. I will do my best as I have started doing now far the past 8 hours since morning - to be well. take care of myself and do what is in the interest of my well being.

    will reflect on it and learn more tomorrow or the day after.
  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Sorry to hear man. Hotel rooms are the worst place for a PMO addict to be alone. There is something about it. Everything becomes so inert, so depressing. Like a jail. I hope you don't have to spend too much time in hotel rooms for work or so.

    I hope you can also look back at these 14 days with a feeling of accomplishment. You speak about neural damage, but I am sure that this slip will not undo the healing process. Just get back on the horse and keep rewiring those neurons.

    In part this is true, but I also know that history keeps repeating itself in our lives until we're done with that specific aspect of it. You can call it karma. You will be in the same situation again, and that will give you a chance to make another choice next time, or the next. In the meantime you can prepare yourself. Try to find the triggers, the emotions, that led to this relapse.

    No, you body breaks down the old cells and reuses the building blocks. But ofcourse when your body is used to a daily release, it also has to adjust the breakdown to the production rate. That may cause some pressure down there. Don't worry about it. What helps is to avoid any arousal that gives pressure there. So also arousal from fantasies. on the other hand, I think that having sex with your wife is a good thing, both for your healing process as well as for your relationship. During my current reboot I have had sex with my wife 3 or 4 times. It has a completely different effect than PMO or FantasyMO. Just have to be aware of the chaser effect.

    Keep it up!
    nattie likes this.
  18. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    Dear Gilgamesh,

    I so appreciate your thoughtful response. feel supported and understood. thanks for being there buddy!

    I hear you say - pressure will build up after 2-3 weeks biologically - what makes the pressure into a slip is allowing to get aroused. there we do have a choice. and yes. I so totally agree with sex instead of PMO or FantasyMO. I have done it once in my reboot and it felt great at all levels - relationship, pleasure . that is in fact my goal - sex with my wife - once every 10 days - 2 weeks and stay away from MO / PMO! - because I feel the pressure builds up for me and release helps me to feel okay again. one of my therapist said that sexuality is unique to each person - I feel for me and likely many others also - build a sexual pressure that needs some natural release.

    thanks once again :)

  19. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    I was clean for 15 days from June 30 to July 14 and I slipped. One MO and 1 PMO . Not a big slip but a slip.

    I commit to stay away from MO / PMO because staying away paves way for realizing the divine in me and being okay with it keeps me trapped in a coping state.

    But I fail.

    Whats my diagnosis of my failure:

    After 2 weeks – I get really horny. Then I either have sex or MO. After that I have got the release, but I feel like – wanting to PMO – my thought is – “ it feels so nice …. Let me enjoy” and then I do it. Then I feel like a failure in my spiritual path. Utterly defeated. I wonder will I ever be able to progress spiritually. What I ignore is – in the intervening period I have achieved significant spiritual growth .

    My fantasy – is I will stop MO ing . Many guys in the forum seem to have stopped MO & PMOing. So this is my goal than me having a problem of being a present hopeless addict. The goal is hugely rewarding. I want to pursue the goal. Not pursuing the goal means destruction and misery.

    My problem :

    How do I deal with where I fail currently? 2 weeks after last PMO – chaser after the Sex or MO?

    Do I have to feel utterly defeated – because I put in so much to stay clean , because putting in anything less would mean I slip sooner.. slip does hurt a lot.

    I am hesitatnt to take a position that yeah, I may / will slip – its okay because than I am setting myself up stay. But it is true that I may slip. One thing I know – nothing ever happens without my action. For e.g. its my allowing to engage with the impulse to watch TV, Youtube that led to it. I side step many times, I allow sometimes.

    Why so much try hard, intensity ? Can there be lightness ? Celebration ? sense of humour ? Coupled with steely determination and learning from slip.

    To the earlier question:

    How do I deal with where I fail currently? 2 weeks after last PMO – chaser after the Sex or MO?

    Stay away from all cues for 2 days after my sex on day 14/15. Then I will be able to ride the wave.

    I also recognize the spiritual growth I experienced in the past 2 weeks a) non attachment – to outcomes, others opinion about me, being productive b) lightness and humour c) surrender to the divine in me, faith and gratitude as opposed to clinging on positives e) inspiration and feeling fully purposeful in life f) non compulsive, natural, faith based, my readiness based experimentation g) experience of my potency – faith and confidence in my divine surrender
  20. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    I am feeling the lowest I am feeling in years. today I spent the whole day alternating between PMO , GOT / You tube and some chores in between. It all triggered by a stressful work call and being alone. I PMOed 4 times. must have watched cumulatively 2-3 hours. This is my highest number of PMO in any one day. I am feeling powerless, helpless, depressed, very low faith in being able to lead a good life. the changes in my career plan and the accompanying stresses, long unstructured time all is bringing up this compulsivity out making things very difficult .. I want to lead a happy, healthy, abundant, powerful life .. I want to desperately belief in the possibility of achieving health and happiness..

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