Get my life back

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by nattie, Nov 5, 2013.

  1. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    Friends,

    I am new to this forum. Here is a little back ground on me. Im 34, Have been MOing since 14 (back then there was no internet), Have got into internet porn for the last 10 odd years.

    In these years, besides PMOing, I also developed the habbit of going to Cinema halls, selecting a seat in a row where no one / only few are seated & then PMO when erotic scenes come up! Of late, I have been doing only Lap top PMO.

    I lost my job 4 years ago due to my inability to cope up with the job pressures then. Due to my PMO habbit, I used to escape to porn whenever i faced a challenge or stress at work & feel very shameful about it after PMOing. Actually i got into a very low self worth phase due to 'PMO - shame- failing at work' cycle.

    after finding another job, I continue to struggle with PMO, i feel i work at a 'sub-potential' level. WHy only work, wrt my whole life, I feel I lead a half life - have become quite socially withdrawn though I have few real good friends. I find it uncomfortable & having to make an effort to connect with people. I used to be a very outgoing person in my late teens / early twenties!

    In Last few months, my PMO is getting so out of hand that in some large meetings where no one can see my phone & when i am stressed, I started surfing porn & later sneak into the rest room to PMO. And of course feel super wretched after that!

    Have visited many counselors & psychiatrists over the last 7 years , haven't been able to change completely though those visits have certainly helped me to come out of the swamp I was at that time.

    I really want to lead a happy productive life & reach as much of my potential as possible.

    i am married, have a lovely wife & daughter . i also meditate. i feel meditation has helped me in not hitting super lows & getting back once i hit a low, but i continue struggle :(

    currently quite overwhelmed :eek:

    i am hoping this forum would be a part of my recovery & my journey back to life a life of vitality.

    with faith, Nattie
     
  2. HumanInProgress

    HumanInProgress New Member

    Hey, Nattie! Welcome! Posting here has been a huge help for me. I completely relate to what you said about feeling like you're living a half life. I know the feeling well. I also know about compulsive wanking. I've freakin' jerked off in my car on more than one occasion, as embarrassed as it is to say. We're all wankers here. You're in good company. :)
     
  3. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    hey thanks HumanInProgress... It sure feels shameful after one wanks off like that in a 'not so private' place!!
     
  4. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    today was a crazy tough day at office.. I PMOed twice in the previous night & one today morning .. so was feeling negative & self aversive as hell while going to office.. I thank the forgiveness meditation & a round of jogging , so got into a some what positive frame of mind to go to office.. however due to lot of self hatred feelings & thoughts (a voice in my head kept saying you are an asshole :eek:) , I took two 15 minute meditation breaks to just watch & open into my thoughts .. I think that helped get some calmness & focus back to work .. evening was again quite bad ... there was this whole feeling of 'i have lost so much fun & real 'life' in my life due to indulging & coping with porn" .. visited a local counselor in the evening & hitting the bed, I thank myself for pulling through a tough day 1 after a relapse!
     
  5. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    Managed to stick to me 2 day goal! yay!! super happy! ;D

    I now discover beyond just the addiction, other ineffective habits .. e.g. escaping from work challenges in the form of plain procrastination! y'day I was mindful towards the urge to proscrastinate & went back to the task (which I wanted to avoid) & did it.. felt good!
     
  6. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    Have registered with Recovery Nation . I am able to relate a lot with their values approach. they seem to have got a good grip on the recovery process. I am determined to take up the work shop lessons 8)
     
  7. HumanInProgress

    HumanInProgress New Member

    Congrats on 2 days, Nattie. You'll have 14 in no time!
     
  8. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    Thank you HIP .. :)
     
  9. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Hi nattie!

    What you have told in journal feels very familiar for me too. It is really a vicious circle of self abuse to try to medicate our emotions and stress with PMO. It is like binge eating, alcohol or any drug - we get quick "fix" but feel just worse afterwards. I have learned by now that we must learn to use better ways to deal with stresses of life. It will not be easy, on the contrary, it will be very hard. But only by facing those emotions can we really face and embrace our life and develop to that unique person we are behind this addicted personality who we think we are. We are really something much better, all of us.

    I wish you strength and luck for beating this addiction. :)
     
  10. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    Hey thanks Titan! I so agree... the brain is also wired to avoid pain .so its really a trap that we fall into when we hook to porn when we face stress.. true we need to develop the skills to stay & deal with the situation & it does make you grow in confidence!

    cheers, Nattie
     
  11. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    I am happy I completed the 14 day reboot! :)

    must also admit that I am a bit scared .. because yesterday I got turned on by this girl who I thought was very attractive..! & I started getting turned on with this other girl who is also attractive but on whom I haven't had sexual thoughts that much in the past..

    also I am beating myself up badly - for a variety of reasons like having gone for a fatty lunch, not sticking to the discipline of putting the extra efforts at my work etc .. all this is ripe for me to go P... I will do some serious self forgiveness meditation to get back on track today & let things be, do my best & not worry about the results & above all , try to be okay with myself & not evaluate myself & beat myself up for not measuring up to a standard of behavior!!

    oh god, how I wish I don't get into this self beating mode.. :(
     
  12. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    managed to keep myself out of PMOing in in the 1st 2 days of this 10 day travel schedule , where the conditions are tempting to PMO .. staying alone in a room , meeting attractive women in the day , pressurized schedule etc.. god , be with me .. i commit to not PMOing in this program, i will ride it out.!!!
     
  13. HumanInProgress

    HumanInProgress New Member

    You got this, Nattie. 23 days is amazing. One foot in front of the other We only have to do this one hour at a time!
     
  14. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    Thanks so much for those kind words Human In progress :)! It has been really hard the last few days .. i have intermittent fantasizing with some women I meet in the day which worries / scares me whether I will end up MOing.. But I am holding strong so far.. have been meditating myself out of this ! I just need to hang in strong for another 5 days & I will be back home with Wife, my daughter & the environment wont be tempting any more! I will ride this through!
     
  15. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    my dream run 48 days+ continues but last night I nearly blew it .. ! it was very very close .. it was very late in the night (12 30 AM), I was not at my alert best, so started following a stray sensuous video (though not 'porn'),. for nearly 30 min dabbled on such soft video & when I thought my wife is gonna come from the bedroom, I just closed the browser & headed to sleep.

    what does it take for me get back to track! how do you I deeper into my life's vision, values & goals (recovery nation approach) so push porn out to the periphery!
     
  16. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    Guys, my 61 days dream run came to an end :(.. PMOed today.

    feeling sad.. will live with this sadness a lil bit & then get back up soon..

    I will feel super happy at the 61 day run which I never imagined I may be able to do..later.. for now, im just sad.
     
  17. HumanInProgress

    HumanInProgress New Member

    Hey, Nattie, sorry to hear. BUT you haven't undone all of your progress with just one slip. You still have the benefits of 61 days clean under your belt. The challenge is to keep a slip from turning into a binge or full-on relapse.

    I ended up falling short of my own goals last night. Had an orgasm for the first time in over 45 days. Was aiming for 90, but starting again at day 1 will make me more vigilant. I was starting to get kinda sloppy.

    So hang in there. You're still on track if you can keep the chaser effect in check!
     
  18. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    Hey HumanInProgress,

    thanks for those words, I was consumed by so much shame / guilt that I did relapse into a binge .. felt very bad after that .. y'day was my day 1 clean .. it was / is tough .. I am meditating myself to forgiving myself & helping myself understand that the behavior has roots in lot of factors which I didn't create / couldn't have controlled ..

    e.g. I got into porn due to the internet availability,
    influence of friends & sexual stimulation every where - TV / society etc ,
    my natural (evolutionary) instinct of sexuality,
    natural instinct to escape from uncomfortable situations (run from danger / risk) & I
    started using porn as a smoothener again unconsciously ..

    im trying to change my belief that 'I am the cause', 'I am so bad for having this addiction' .. these beliefs bring down by overall self regard , mood & I had to drudge myself out of it ... today I again meditated & im feeling better ... will go for a jog now .. my heart still feels heavy but I will pull through it ..

    what is the chaser effect by the way ... not able to get its meaning exactly though I see references to it in the forum .. incidentally I had wet dreams / orgasmed few nights before by slip / relapse.. is chaser effect (im guessing it would mean a sudden increase in craving) kick in after a wet dream / orgasm ... also what is refractory period ..

    thanks & I cant tell you how much I feel supported through your mail at this point in my life!

    Nattie
     
  19. HumanInProgress

    HumanInProgress New Member

    You're most welcome, Nattie. Glad to be a support for you now. :)

    The "chaser effect" is exactly what you described. It's a strong increase in cravings after having an orgasm.

    "Refactory period" is the time it takes after an orgasm to get aroused again for another round of sex or masturbation.

    Hope this clears things up!
     
  20. nattie

    nattie It robs your life! get rid of it!!

    thank you for the clarifications HIP, now I would be extra vigilant after wet nights! :)

    it had been good 5 days, from day 2 onwards, I have been pretty positive on my self esteem which is very nice!
     

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