GER musician & podcaster - Logbook: Unleash my true potential!

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Fry, Apr 10, 2019.

  1. Fry

    Fry New Member

    Hi everyone!
    First of all I want to say thank you. Thank you for setting up this forum and for providing all this high quality reboot content. And of course thank you to the whole community here, a place where I will dare to talk about all my porn related problems. I think through getting in contact with you is a missing component which will support me to get a 100% clean and to (i quote Tony Robbins here) unleash my giant within!

    I am Alex and i suffer from PMO (including webcam-sex and sex chats) and HOCD for several years now. It took me a long time to realise and admit that. But now I am finally ready to share my story and I am sure that this community will help me to succeed with my reboot.
    I am 30, born in Germany, lived/studied in the Netherlands for several years and came back to Germany (Cologne) two years ago in order to. English is not my mother language so I hope you don’t mind if some grammar mistakes slip into my texts, i’ll try my very best to avoid them.

    I am a musician and podcast-expert and very proud to have such a strong passion in life for so many years now. However, this passion did not prevented me from getting addicted to porn. To be honest, for many years making music and especially being on the road and playing concerts all over Europe supported and fed this addiction. I guess musicians are exposed to addictive behaviours through drugs and sex more easily.
    However, my porn journey started way earlier, when I was about 11 years old. There was no fast speed internet porn yet and at first I just received a bunch of porn magazines. Then a friend gave me my first porn movie on a CD. Eventually I got the a second one and so on. It totally seemed normal, cause all my friends were discovering and watching porn at this time. It all was new, exciting and a great way to escape from reality. A year later, through some unexpected turn of events I started to increase my porn use. I turned 12 when my father and my grandfather both died because of cancer. My family went through some very hard times and especially then, I needed a daily escape plan, which porn provided.

    Years later, when all those tube sites came online my porn use quickly escalated to all kinds of genres. In my “world of escape” I felt secure and protected and I had my own little secrets. By the time I discovered different kinds of heavy genres like for example bdsm, gilf, golden shower, she-male and even gay clips. Of course I felt that this wasn't right at all and I am definitely not gay, but the excitement was stronger and the dopamine rush controlled me. However, at this point I easily could go back to softer genres and enjoy them too. So I hadn't had the feeling that something seriously went wrong with me or my life.

    Back to music, I grew up being in bands and writing own music since I’ve been 16. Of course everything started just as a hobby, but quickly I knew that I wanted this to be my occupation. When my father died, I made the decision to just do and live whatever would make me feel happy.
    So when I turned 20, I moved to the Netherlands in order to study music. During the second year of my study I joined a successful Dutch coverband. Even though my priority was performing my own music, this gave me the chance to finance my study without taking any study credit.
    But from then on everything got worse...every show-night basically was a party where I had the chance to impress and meet many girls. I had lots of one night stands and affairs during that time and I literally thought there were no limits or boundaries. I turned into an arrogant, big headed asshole who thought he could have sex with any girl on this planet...and of course I still watched porn, which fed and taught me the way I saw women and how I approached sex with them. I was horny all the time and sex was everything I could think of when I saw a woman. I once asked the manager of my band (at this point he was a kind of father figure for me) whether my behaviour is right or wrong, whether my 24/7 horniness is something that is normal or not. He just replied that everything is fine and that I should go on with having as much fun as I want , because that’s good for the me and good for the band. Furthermore porn use did not seem to be wrong at all and I had no social anxieties or an ED. So I went on with this lifestyle.

    The next level of my PMO history started, when a friend of mine mentioned chatroulette and that people there get naked in front of their cameras in order to masturbate together. I tried it and totally got excited. I started sitting in front of my computer almost entire nights, just to meet a girl to have webcam-sex with. It sounds crazy, because I had no problems to get in touch with girls in real life, but somehow this triggered something in my brain (It’s comparable with searching tube sites for THE perfect clip). When I wasn’t successful in meeting a girl at chatroulette, I started to masturbate together with other, mostly older guys. I think this was related to a kind of father issue. But chatroulette was only the beginning. I also discovered private webcam-sites as well as other sex-contact URLs and half a year later I was an active member on several sex-chat forums, hook-up sites and swinger communities. There i could get in touch with real people which triggered my excitement extraordinary. Hetero, bi or gay chats didn't matter to me, it was all about the dopamine rush and step by step i cared less about where it came from.

    By this time I finished my bachelor degree in music and realised that playing shows in a cover-band turned out to be my real job. Not just some party-shows in the weekend, but all of the sudden it was my real job. I felt that my musical career went into a completely wrong direction and so I stepped out of the band and started working in a coffee bar. This provided less but enough money to live and it gained a flexibility to play shows with my own rock music.
    But on tour with my band I still acted like a party animal, seducing as many girls as possible. And my porn and webcam use continued. Back at home it went this far, that I logged into swinger sites during my lunch break at work in the coffee bar.
    Eventually i got embarrassed of my behaviour and thought that I needed to stop this. But I also thought that I should try those stuff in real life in order to figure out whether these sexual desires are real or not.
    I immediately have to explain that I never had sex during those experiences, cause I was way too afraid of getting a serious disease. After my dad passed away I struggled with hypochondria during my entire youth. So all my real life encounters were based on oral sex or masturbation experiences, no more than that.
    I experienced erotic massages, went to a swinger club, to porn cinemas, hooked up with a dominatrix and so on. Foolishly this wasn’t a solution for any of my problems, it made them even worse, because all these experiences were the highest adrenaline and dopamine rush I’ve experienced so far. After I visited a gay sauna and let an old guy blow and jerk me off, it all ended in a HEAVY depression for months! From then on I knew that something went seriously wrong with me and my life and that I needed help. This wasn’t me at all and I really was afraid of being gay. I always loved women and never had feelings for older guys. But I could not talk to anyone...I was ashamed as hell. For a while I tried to kill my memories while drinking a lot of alcohol, but this didn't work out either.
    Desperately I googled for answers and i found yourbrainonporn.com. There i read everything about HOCD and porn addiction in general. This was a big moment of relief. I started to understand the cause of my issues and that I am not alone. Of course it turned out to be a tremendous effort of work to reprogram my brain, but I was and I still am willing to change neurologic pathways.

    Today my porn related issues have gotten better. Through what I have learned from Gary Wilson, from other NoFap experts and all the reports on yourbrainonporn.com I realised that i have to change some major things in my life. I started with fitness, a healthy nutrition, meditation and personal development. Of course I deleted all my sex-site membership accounts and I massively decreased one night stands with girls I met on tour or while going out with friends. I definitely started to see women differently, which gave me a great feeling.

    However, I still struggle with strong urges for webcam sex and the desire to visit a porn cinema or an erotic massage once in awhile. I cannot control these urges and that makes it so damn difficult. When I give in I normally start to escalate and watch hours of porn after that. After day(s) of intense relapse I usually make a cut, and this whole cycle starts over again 3-4 weeks later. I cannot completely break free and I am clearly standing in my own way.
    This has to stop, for once and for all! I know and I feel that I have so much more potential and that I am not able to unfold it entirely, just because i still relapse and stick to PMO.
    I think this community is a great place in order to successfully support my reboot and this is a new chance for me to start a new, clean life. I am looking forward to have fruitful and healthy conversations with people that are going through the same phase in life. I will log my reboot progress here, so please, do not hesitate to comment on things and help me along my way. :)

    Sorry, this is a long story, but it felt good to be honest and write it all down in detail. I also went through some significant urges while I traced back my porn related memories. But I stayed strong and saw this as a chance to reflect a lot of things i went through.

    P.S.: Since one year and 3 month I have a girlfriend. She knows about my problem (even though it all is not easy for her) and fully supports me in my upcoming reboot. I am blessed to have her in my life!

    Thank you very much for reading my story, I am looking forward to read and support as many of yours too!
    Alex

    My goals for a 90 days reboot:

    No Porn - No Masturbation - No Sex (- No Alcohol)

    I will start my reboot upcoming Monday, April the 15th 2019!
     
    Kichijiro and Pete McVries like this.
  2. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    Hey, hier kommt Alex. Welcome to the forum and greetings from another german guy (not that far from you actually).

    You really seem to have made some good steps in order to get your life together. That’s hugely important. I always found that it’s not enough to just quit porn and then expect that your life will get better automatically. That’s what I did for a long time at least. We have to move towards something, whatever “something” means. You’ve already found passion in your life, you have something to be proud of and you have a girlfriend that supports you. I have no doubt that you’ll reach your goals with that as a basis. That passion didn’t prevent you from getting addicted, as you’ve said, but it can help on the way to recovery.

    Thanks for sharing your story and for being so honest.

    Viel Glück! Veel geluk!
     
    Fry likes this.
  3. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

    Yo Alex, Ich wohne ebenfalls im größten Dorf der Welt. Wahrscheinlich kennen wir uns über Ecken, haha... :D

    Wishing you all the best for your journey. From my own experience, I can tell you that stopping to drink was essential for me because I always get ultra horny when I'm hung over and thus always relapse. The first few weeks will be tough but once you power through that it will get easier. It's also great that you have a steady gf whom you shared your secret with. That's awesome. Oh, and please don't get frustrated if you are to relapse. Rebooting is a process and in the beginning it can be a lot about finding out about your triggers, about the situations you tend to relapse in, about what works and what doesn't, and so on and so forth.

    You got this!

    p.s. Did you develop some form of PIED/ED? Oh, and why don't you start your reboot right away? What's holding you back? Going to the good ol' hub for one last ride? :D
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2019
  4. Fry

    Fry New Member

    Hey Luke,

    thank you very much for your feedback and for sharing your experiences. You are right, just to cut something out of your life is (in most cases) not the proper solution. It is good to replace the addictive behaviour with something else. Best case scenario with a strong emotional involvement, which a true passion is able to provide. I am very happy and blessed to have that and this makes it all work pretty fine at the moment.
    What I am still struggling the most with are some real heavy withdrawal symptoms from time to time. Those hold me back from avoiding porn and sex chats for a longer streak. Never went beyond 40 days. I really wanna break this vicious cycle!!

    P.S. Where exactly are you from, that is not far away from Cologne?

    Greetings, Groetjes!
     
  5. Fry

    Fry New Member

    Hey Pete,

    mega, wie cool! Schön sich über diesen Weg kennen zu lernen! :)

    Thank you very much for your advise. I experienced the same kind of problem with alcohol over and over again. Alcohol seems like a kryptonite...By the way, this is the exact reason why I did not start my reboot right away but instead from Monday on. This weekend I have some birthday celebrations with really good friends which I haven't seen for a long time and I just cannot be sure if I can stay away from porn during the hung over.
    I will avoid alcohol and hung overs during my reboot!

    You said "The first few weeks will be tough but once you power through that it will get easier". I've read that the number of "tough weeks" can differ from person to person. What is your experience on that and how do you recognise that the those kind of weeks/days are over?

    Greetings! Alex
     
  6. Fry

    Fry New Member

    Starting my NoFAP journey today, a day ealier as announced.
    Actually I am really looking forward to what's ahead, cause porn is dragging me down to the ground in such a ruthless way, even though I know exactly that I have the potential to fly high. Never felt so clear about this before.

    Thanks to all of you here in the forum for the great support in so many ways.
     
  7. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    Yeah, the withdrawals are hard to deal with and they suck. But at the end of the tunnel it'll be worth it. Periods like that build can build character in a way, I'm not sure how to describe it.

    I live in Koblenz, where Rhine meets Moselle. Just a little bit over 100 km from you.

    By the way: What kind of podcast are you doing? About music?
     
  8. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Oh gods yes, hung over is not a state in which you can fight that stuff. Welcome to the forum, by the way!
     
    Fry likes this.
  9. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

    Delta-FosB is a brain chemical (transcription factor) important in the formation of addictions. It builds up in “natural addictions,” such as high consumption of fatty/sugary foods, and high levels of aerobic exercise and sexual activity (and no doubt, porn addiction). Some sources suggest that it declines around the 6-8th week of abstinence. We suspect this decline in Delta FosB is behind the big improvements people see once they get to the 8 week mark. READ MORE
     
    Fry likes this.
  10. ClimbXR

    ClimbXR Active Member

    I'm on week 2. Gotta push to week 8! Good info.
     
    Fry and Pete McVries like this.
  11. Fry

    Fry New Member

    Hey Luke,

    thank you for your comment. I think about the end of the tunnel a lot recently and by this I mean that I hope to be free from those kind of withdrawals I faced during my 40 days reboot in the past. Although I had not had that many withdrawal symptoms during the last 5 days (only one), I know they will occur more frequently. Comments like yours and the whole forum in general are a massive help!!

    Koblenz is a very beautiful city and indeed you're living not far away from here.

    I am doing a podcast about a conscious living, not about music. Together with a friend of mine we discuss and talk about many subject regarding this matter. For example about a conscious diary, conscious products choices, conscious body-movement in daily life, mindfulness, routines, etc. :)

    Are you a podcast listener?
     
    Pete McVries likes this.
  12. Fry

    Fry New Member

    Thank you for the nice welcome! :)
    Yes you are right. What I also recognised is, that "too less sleep" is also a state in which you cannot fight urges very well.
     
  13. Fry

    Fry New Member

    Thank you very much Pete!! I've read (and saw videos) about Delta-FosB earlier, but somehow it has a different intensity when someone with way more experience is recommending it. I will dive into that topic for sure!

    B y the way: Congrats to your 100 days, what a massive achievement!
     
    Pete McVries likes this.
  14. Fry

    Fry New Member

    GO GO GO, you can do it! :)
     
  15. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    That sounds interesting. I would like to listen to an episode. Can you tell me where to find it (PM if you want)?

    Yes, I listen to some podcasts regularly. Mostly NBA podcasts.

    Wish you the best!
     
  16. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

    same same.
     

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