gb0138 starting today-Age 52

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by gb0138, Mar 12, 2012.

  1. gb0138

    gb0138 Guest

    Just realized for the first time today that I am addicted and am swearing it off. Wish me the best.

    I thought I was just oversexed but I think that is just not the case. All the symptoms seem to indicate addiction and the ED that has started occurring just sealed it for me.

    I hope my overcoming this will lead to a healthier life and more pleasure. I have missed that for a long time. Many of my hobbies I have lost interest in and my addiction has lead to destructive behavior. It has to end.

    Day 2. So far not feeling very different at all. I am curious to see how I feel in 2 weeks. I don't think I have gone more that 5 days at any one time for a very long time. I am beginning to think that I am maybe not addicted but rather just a pleasurable habit. Not the after effects but during. However I can see from reading the symptoms of addiction I am addicted. I come from a family of alcoholics (father, 2 brothers) but I never really was. It never effected my life like my family members were effected. So that is where I think perhaps it is a habit. Time will tell.

    Day 3. Same as day 2. Not a lot of urge to view P or M. I suspect that may change, but I am ready for it. I think I will check back in when sometime significant changes.

    Day 4. What a difference a day makes. Last night I had a dream that I was doing M. One of those long ones that towards the end I favored. It seemed like about an hour into the dream, I realized that I was doing M. I told myself "what the heck are you doing". I felt ashamed that now I had to go back to day zero. Then I woke up. For a while I was confused as to whether I actually did M or not. I didn't of course but it is crazy how the mind works. Really no morning wood either. I would be curious as to what Sigmund Freud would think of that dream. What is does show me is my mind is powerful and it gets what it wants whether I give it up consciously or unconsciously. I also felt emotional somewhat. I listen to music while I work out. I couple of songs nearly brought me to tears. It's going to be an interesting few months I suspect.

    Day 5. It could be all in my head but I feel more energized today. Was tempted last night to relapse and M because I was feeling good and I knew it would make me feel even better if I did M. Held off and feeling good without it.

    Day 6. Definitely feeling better. Stilling getting morning wood so I haven't flatlined. Being able to resist doing M for the most part isn't that hard because in my mind I know I will be better off in the end. However, I tell myself in my head, I need to test it out. I know it would feel good. Need to get over that. **addendum** I understand how people relapse. I kind of have an urge to M right now. Not a physical urge like when I wanted to have a cigarette when I was trying to quit smoking, but more a head thing. I think if I M right now, it would be very, very nice and I would get a buzz from it. However, afterwards I will crash, sort of like if you ever did cocaine, the feeling you get when you come down. The rush feels nice and I can actually now recall what that feeling is like in my head during and very shortly afterward. Then would come the crash, the disappointment, the WTF did I do feeling. Writing helps me hold off. I am thinking of that day when I actually have romantic, passionate sex and when that release comes, if is going to be beyond fantastic.

    Day 7. Been a full week of no M or P. I really do feel better than ever. Perhaps it is just psychosomatic but I feel more confident and happier for sure. Still having morning wood and in fact this morning I had another dream that I was M in the shower. I stopped myself before I came but you know how you try to stop but you miss the point of now return and even though you stopped the physical action you still come? Well in my dream my cum was a clear gel. Weird! I was so disappointed that I M'ed but then woke up and realized I hadn't actually done it. That is two dreams in one week now about M. Clearly my mind is trying to get what it wants. I would be curious to know if dreaming it is the same as actually doing it? Does one get the dopamine rush or what ever chemicals released or is it just all in my mind? I didn't cum in my underwear so nothing happened, but clearly is was real in my mind. I think I will post it and see if anyone has an answer.**addendum....really feeling the urge to M. I feel so positive about my progress in 7 days but the feeling is strong. I think I need to stop looking at all woman as much as I can.**

    Day 9. Started a new diet plan yesterday. Really took the starch of of me. Didn't sleep very well the last 2 nights. Also feel like I might be losing my sex drive somewhat. Might be the flatline everyone talks about. Laid in bed this morning and no morning wood. Could be because I was tired. Not sure. Or the diet. However, I tried to think me wood and it didn't happen. Need to research more perhaps.

    Day 11. I think the new diet is messing with my sleep. Changing it up today in hopes I sleep better. I haven't been having morning wood either but that could be a sleep cycle thing. I have noticed I don't ogle the beautiful women at the YMCA as much yet I still glance and appreciate their beauty, maybe even more than I used to. I find many women attractive that I never thought were attractive before. I guess I just love the body of a woman regardless of societal norms. I do hope I get morning wood back soon however. I want to reboot, I just miss the morning wood and fear it not coming back. I notice I am more outgoing since stopping P and M. I am in sales and I hope it makes a difference in how I interact with clients. I certainly think it will be a help. **addendum** I tell you when I get down or perhaps it is my brain just going up and down, I sure feel like looking at pictures of pretty girls. I can't myself briefly and then shut it down. Definitely not going to watch a video. I do notice that even when I look at still pictures, I get kind of rush feeling in my head. Definitely something going on.

    Day 12. Feeling good again today. Working out at the YMCA helps out a lot I think. My wife and I are on this weight loss thing. She doesn't know about the P or M thing. I always told her it was my weight and low libido. I got my Dr. to write Cialis for me, but it didn't work except for video P and M. My pathways were hosed. Hoping to get back on track. No wood again this morning. Beginning to think I have flatlined. :( I guess that is good and bad. I just hope it come back soon. It is like and old friend I am missing him. *** happened to see a few pictures of near naked girls and nearly relapsed. This addiction is insidious. With quitting cigarettes years ago is was 3 days of hell and then not too bad, especially after 12 days. This is horrible. Arghhhhh**

    Day 13. Had a real good day. Not much for women at the gym today so I wasn't tempted. No morning wood either nor did I sleep well again. I hope for both tonight. Feeling good, confident and focused. I haven't felt that in perhaps years. Glad I didn't M last night.

    Day 14. Feel good again today. Lots of energy even though I am on a new Atkins like diet. Losing weight, working out and this morning, no wood again but I was easily aroused with light stimulation. It is weird but after I quit M and P my penis initially felt slightly odd and the only way I could describe it was "worn out". Not it doesn't feel that feeling at all. Kind of reassuring. Last night I finally slept well for a change. Some other positive things have helped me feel positive about all this. In the back of my mind I wonder if I can actually orgasm with a woman or not. Hopefully we will find out. If I get morning wood again I will start attempts to get my wife into bed with me. Very slow gentle in whatever we do. BJ would be fantastic! Added my age to let people know some old fogeys are out here too.

    Day 15. No morning wood but also didn't sleep well. Hopefully it will come back soon. I was hoping to try and get intimate, slowwwwlllly very soon. But we will see. Confidence not super high today but it is there. Feeling more comfortable in my skin with the general public. I am surprised how not using P and M has changed me so much....and fairly quickly. I think it will make me a better lover because I feel I am more in-tune with people, as well as my wife. I have decided there is no way I am going to tell her about my addiction. I think it would be opening a can of worms. Instead as I lose weight, I will become more amorous and she will attribute it to weight loss and that is that. If we were on the edge of divorce I might see it differently. I think it would only cause more stress if I did say something. The best part is I am losing significant weight on Atkins around .6 to .8 pounds per day. I have about another 6-8 weeks to reach my goal. By that time I should be rebooted. Hope it works.

    Day 16. Feeling down today and unfocused. Again due to lack of sleep. No desire to look at poirn at all really. I am curious if it will work again since I believe I am flatlined now. It has been a while since morning wood. It is odd that during my time of M and P, I still had morning wood. Now that I don't do M or P, no morning wood. Very strange.

    Day 17. Some morning wood this morning was reassuring. Still waiting for the full on wood. My thinking is getting clearer too and this is for sure. It has been getting clearer everyday I don't M. I find it easier and easier to not look at P, specifically video P. Even static pictures are not so alluring anymore, however I still can't stop from looking at the hot women at the gym. My weight loss component I am doing concurrently is working well. I find myself more attracted to my wife than I have in years. I touched her bottom the other day kissing and I swear I felt a little bit of arousal. I am thinking maybe initiating sex in another 13 days and see how it goes. We haven't had sex for about 10 years. Hopefully start out slow. Been reading about having sex but without ejaculation and how it is very good for the body. For me it has always been the lead up that has been fascinating and not the act of cumming.

    Day 18. Still feeling good but I think I am just getting to feel this is the new normal. It may wear off I am not sure. I am going to see if I can initiate and have sex today. I know it may be premature, but I really want to try it. Since I haven't done P or M for 18 days, it will be interesting to see if everything works. Perhaps it will set me back, perhaps not. But if it is a setback, it is not like relapsing into M and P that's for sure.

    Day 19. Well I had sex yesterday for the first time since I have given up P and M. Did it ever feel great! We spent an hour being very sensual and stretched it out for as long as we could before a finish. I had no problem getting it up nor any problem with a finish either. What is did notice is a huge rush of whatever opiates that are created after you finish. I was tired, sleepy and my mind was in a fog, very similar to when I was M. Coaches I have heard always say don't have sex before the big game. I understand why. I couldn't think or do any normal activities with any degree of precision or critical thinking. I still feel sort of foggy this morning. However, I am glad to see the plumbing works. Yes I may have set myself back to some degree but since it was with a "real" person, I think maybe not as bad as M. And I really was curious if everything was going to work. In general I have lost all desire to watch video P anymore. I don't think I could do it. My thinking brain is in control and I can think my way past any desire for videos. A actually clicked onto a video that showed a girl dancing very provocatively and I once I realized what I had did, I closed it and went on to something else. I just didn't want it in my head.

    Day 20. Head is pretty much cleared again after my foray back into human sex. Still no morning wood but I am sleeping better. Not perfect but pretty good. I have no desire to surf for P at all. I really don't even think about sex anymore. It will be interesting to see if this pattern holds up or at day 40 how I will feel. Feeling good about myself and that is a big positive.

    Day 22. Still no morning wood. On the other hand I do know the equipment works. Not feeling the "I can do anything, talk with anyone" feeling anymore. I feel good but just not flying like I was earlier. Kind of odd. Take it a day at a time. P and M doesn't really hold any interest at this point. I think it takes 3 weeks to make a habit and I think that is what it is.

    Day 23. Weak morning wood again and hardly worth mentioning. I am feeling upbeat again today. No urge to M to P at all really. I think my addiction to it is actually over. I think all I am waiting for in the reboot that I hope will happen sooner rather than later. But I guess it will happen on it's own time.

    Day 24. Feeling really good and positive today. No urge to view P or M anymore. I think it was just a bad, bad habit that I think I have corrected. Still no morning wood, yet with some gentle stimulation it gets there. Wondering what each new day will bring in this department.

    Day 30. I think I will end my daily entries due to the fact that I think....I repeat.....think I am back to normal. I have not M or watched P for 30 days and I have no desire to whatsoever. I have had great normal sex twice so I think I am out of the woods so to speak, however normal morning wood is not back to 100 percent. I am just not sure what adding to the diary will do for me. For others, I am just another one dealing with this issue. I think I am luckier than many here. I just hope my path continues unabated. If anything changes I will add notes but this is probably my last one. Thanks to all for their support and now it is time to move on and put this horrible experience behind me.

    Day 43. I think I have been rebooted. I have had sex several times now and without a doubt there is no ED. The 3rd time is was like an hour long marathon. It's like I couldn't not stay hard. I have no doubt that as long as I stay away from P and M, which I am doing religiously, I think I will stay recovered and things can only get better from here. I would like to thank all the people who wrote their journals for me to read. It was comforting to know that I was not the only one dealing with this issue. I am sure if there was more press on this, many more people could be helped out of this situation. I have decided to tell my doctor when I visit him in a couple month, letting him know that I solved the ED problem. I also think my M and P problem was the source of my depression as well and I will inform him of that too. My wife and I have also decided to go Vegan (strictly plant based diet) and I believe that is going to be of benefit as well. We watched a video called "Forks over knives" and for us it has been a game changer. We switched over to Vegan within two weeks and so far, one week in we are doing well. Anyway, thanks to all who wrote and put comments in my journal. It has been a pleasure.

    Day 48. Although I don't have any real desire to view P or M anymore, sometimes I think it would be fun. There is something enjoyable about it that is still attractive. I know it would be only a temporary fun and then crawling back out of a hole if I continued to do it would not be any fun, but still.....it is still attractive. I would have to say, the "high" I had after stopping M and P has sort of disappeared. Perhaps it was a bungee effective and now I am at some sort of equilibrium perhaps. My stopping this habit of P and M just happened to fall in the middle of doing the Atkins diet and now I am almost 2 weeks into being a Vegan. How much of my mood swings is just diet? Hard to say if any. I do continue to have morning wood and when i do have sex, I make it a point to be sure it is very slow and sensual. When I do, the wood stays for as long as I can hold back from popping. One day it was 45 minutes. Sex is more enjoyable now than I think it has ever been really. Sooooo glad I come across YBOP and this site.

    Day 2...again. This P&M is a bitch! I thought I had it beaten and I let my guard down and it got me. I feel soooo stupid. Intellectually I know better but.....well......some of you have been there. The addiction to me is somewhere between cigarettes and cocaine. I have to be strong that is all there is to it. I get into this hole after a few weeks into this addictive behavior and I can't get out. Seriously. It just draws you back in, again and again and again. It is frightening in some respects.

    I have to say for me, once I stop, I feel better almost immediately the next day although not as good as I did at day 60 or 80.

    I noticed that when I was deep in the hole of addiction this past time, I could feel the the effects in my head as soon as I finished a session. It was almost a numbing feeling. Sort of like someone put glue into my brain. I felt depressed and defeated and worthless. Kind of the feeling I had when I did cocaine for a spell. Even today I can feel it lingering in my head from time to time. My concentration sucks and I am definitely down. I don't mean to ramble but I am trying to get it all out.

    I just want to say I am thankful for this website and the others on here that are able to understand what this is. I think a lot of people don't have a clue. It's funny that some of the most vocal people who talk about this addiction are some of the preachers on religious stations. I happen to be atheist but I occasionally catch them to see what is going on in the world of religion. For the longest time I thought what they were saying was crap, but they were actually right. Ha!!!

    So I am back. It took me probably 40 or 50 trys to quit smoking but I did. And the only thing that worked was going cold turkey. I did that 27 years ago and never had another cigarette again. I truly believe this addiction is going to be beaten the same way. "Never give in"

    Day 3. So far so good. As the Chicago song goes, "feeling stronger every day"

    Day 5. Again, so far to good. Tempted to backslide today since I am spending some much face time with a computer, but I am maintaining so far. Head feels a little fuzzy. At this point when I quit smoking years ago, I had already overcome the physical addition. I fear this addiction is more insidious. It got me once after quite a few days, I suspect it will rear it's ugly head before too long.

    Oops....Day 3....again. Damn this is hard.

    Day 4. Feeling OK but sometimes I just want to do it anyway. I could be feeling depressed or happy and it doesn't really matter. Still having morning wood however, so that is reassuring.

    Day 5. I have a headache. I bet it is part of the withdrawal from not M anymore. It seems to hit the brain at the same spot where I would feel the rush after a release. Going to take an Advil and see if that helps. I started to think that is I just do a little M I will feel better. It's possible but more likely it will just set me back. That would not be a good thing. It's funny I am still getting morning wood. I know so many say they don't. Feels odd, almost like there is nothing wrong with me. But I know that is not the case at all. I catch myself checking out the women at the YMCA all the time. I know I probably shouldn't as it will only make me want to go home and M. This is a very insidious addiction.
     
  2. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Re: gb0138 starting today

    Day 15 here. Stay strong!
     
  3. Trev

    Trev New Member

    Re: gb0138 starting today

    Hi and thank you for sharing your progress with us.
    Addiction will lead to all sorts of destructive behaviour and you end up losing many things that you previously found enjoyable in life, whether they are relationships, hobbies, simple pleasures etc. You are right that it has to end. If we don't end it, it will end us.

    Be careful with the tricks that the mind plays, it'll find all sorts of ways to justify relapse. Sounds like you're making good progress.

    Keep going!
     
  4. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts--very interesting and helpful.

    Thanks also for adding your age. I'm 48 and our situations seem similar, so I'm particularly interested in your experience.

    Day 21 here--still flatlining. No morning wood for a while. Some anxiety/depression, but that might be work related. Still, feeling good about progress and looking forward to being able to be a proper husband.
     

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