Gay Men's Reboot / Rebalance / Recovery Thread

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by LOGOS, Jan 3, 2013.

  1. xenakis2

    xenakis2 New Member

    Hey, I'm here. I kinda relapsed right after you did, made it to 10 days and on day 11 I MO'd like 3 times. Over the last few weeks I've been constantly doing sketchy google searches and google image searches…have managed to stay away from hardcore videos but I know…pixels are pixels. I was kinda in a funk, not feeling well, lazy and unmotivated. It's hard to pull yourself out of that state. I'm trying to stay motivated but it's SO hard to not MO. I might have to allow myself to MO once a week or something for now, before I can attempt to go for longer stretches.
    It looks like you've been going through a bit of a rough patch too? Have you started going to SLA meetings?

    Possible Trigger*?

    As far as the discussion on Porn and top/bottom roles, I agree with Zazaka that I don't think porn will make you a top or a bottom. But I think it could prevent you from exploring all sides of your sexuality - I'm usually bottom and used to watch porn with big masculine tops only, but then I met a small feminine guy and topped him several times over a few months and it was really enjoyable! Never thought I would've done that and it was never the kind of porn I was into. Just shows that fantasy does not equal reality, and can sometimes prevent you from trying things you might actually like.
  2. Zazaka

    Zazaka New Member

    Hey man,
    I'm here -- been posting a lot on here recently as I strive to keep on going. I haven't O'd in two weeks now and I feel much better, much more together.
    I think I am experiencing higher dopamine levels in my brain, and it's great. I think now starts the real work of dealing with whatever caused me to have a problem in the first place. I would think that for most people clearing out their addiction is an opportunity to examine your life more closely.
    I've joined some men's groups and that energy is getting me through as well.
    I'm having sex with my bf, but without O. I feel more calm with my sexuality at this point. I know I won't be able to go forever without a good old fashioned O during sex, but this break has done me some good, I think.

    I hope you can get back on track towards your goals and enjoy some of the things you want to work towards.
    Keep posting here and let us know what's gong on with you.
  3. bgguy

    bgguy Member

    Hello everyone. It's an empty thread, i hope there are no problem post in it.

    I thought post my doubt on a thread, but i think most of people woundn't awnser me very well... But here I go: I'm talking with a guy for some days, we are seeing each other sometimes and I think I may have sex with him. This will help me to get away from or will make me worse? I don't like him very much (I don't know if it is my apathy or i really don't like him), for me it would be just sex.

    What do you people think?
  4. Deleted

    Deleted Member

    Hey BGguy!

    I can appreciate the thought pattern that real sex is better than jerking off to porn. But I believe having sex with someone who you don't even like just destroys your self-worth. Personally if the sex drive is too strong, I would masturbate or edge a little instead. If it's not too strong, why not just wait it out for the right person? Deep down, I think you will just harm yourself in the long run.

    All the best
  5. rebootinglife

    rebootinglife New Member

    Hey everyone,

    It's been a while since I posted on here. I'm still trying to break from the porn addiction cycle and thought that posting on here would help give me some encouragement from you all.

    Since I last posted I've started to see a therapist. Been seeing her for about 6 months but am due to have a final session this week. I'm glad I went - she has helped me understand a lot of the emotional reasons I'm into porn, basically hiding your sexuality until you are 29 isn't all that good for your mental health.

    She has recommended I start going to SLAA sessions and/or try online recovery programs. Has anyone else been to an SLAA meeting? I'm a bit wary because of the 'higher power/God aspect' there is to this - I'm not religious. And my partner doesn't know about my addiction so I'd have to invent another reason to explain where I was for an hour each evening. Anyway just wondered if anyone else had been down that route and how it worked for them?
  6. Zazaka

    Zazaka New Member

    Hi rebootinglife,

    Congrats for having the courage and self-esteem to get into therapy and do that work. I was thinking about SLAA as well, but have also been hesitating.
    I think it's really tough if you have no support or understanding from your partner. I hope that ultimately changes for you.
    I would give it a shot! Maybe the support you find there will help you from acting out.
    One meeting can't hurt.
    But if that's not going to work out, then there are some very good on-line resources, like here and Recovery Nation. Go for it!
    Good luck.
  7. bgguy

    bgguy Member

    Thank you for the words man! It helped me to reconsider the idea.
    To tell the truth, I don't believe the "right person" will ever come to me with my self-esteem problems. But anyway, i will not use him like that, it would be bad for him and wouldn't solve my problems. I decided to keep some friendship instead give him some false expectations.
  8. rebootinglife

    rebootinglife New Member

    Thanks Zazaka for the words of encouragement. I haven't been to an SLAA session yet because of other commitments but will try to go to one soon. I've been a week without PMO and it seems like it has been a month! Had urges this morning but am resisting.

    I hear what you say about being open with my partner but I think it would hurt him if I opened up about the porn and chatting with other guys online.

    This is something I need to work on myself, at least for now and see if I can make it work. The therapy was useful because I could be open about the porn addiction with someone else, and I'm hoping the SLAA meetings will offer the same kind of opportunity to voice my feelings and stop keeping them to myself. I'll let you know how it goes!
  9. whereibelong

    whereibelong Member

    What are you guys doing for rewiring and how are you meeting new guys? Im almost 8 months porn free and am looking to get back out there but I want to do so in a healthy way. Ive considered online dating but am not sure it's the right path or not. What are you all doing?
  10. Zazaka

    Zazaka New Member

    Hi wib,

    I thin k that in terms of rewiring, any healthy sexual expereince with a human rather than a computer screen is the way to go!
    In my view you have to discover what healthy sexuality for you is and isn't. Many men here are in relationships, and also dealing with porn addiction and pied etc.
    I would try internet dating sites that actually allow you to date, and that are more than just cruising sites for quick sex.
    Do you live in a place where you can go out to meet men? Maybe join some kind of club or group where you might make new friends?
    Hope that helps.
  11. whereibelong

    whereibelong Member

    Thank you Zazaka. I am very involved in hobbies and groups outside of work but it was a way to make friends only for me. Ideally I would venture out to find men to date in person though that is rather intimidating. I think I may go the online dating route. It's weird, im not necessarily looking for a serious relationship but I dont want to randomly hookup either. Maybe a site like or pof would be better than a4a or scruff? Ill report back.
  12. Zazaka

    Zazaka New Member

    I think it's all good - but it's up to you to be clear about what exactly you want, in order to get what you want, you know? I think that's the way to get the most out of a dating site.
    But my basic thought would be, if you've worked so hard to be porn and pmo free in order to reboot, why don't you go for some real quality interaction? Fast and easy sex will always be there, why not continue to grow as a person and get some quality dates with guys who might be more than a quickie?

    Not like it's that easy...
  13. Coulumb

    Coulumb New Member

    So glad I found this thread! I just started my no PMO progress a week ago, I'm now on day 8 and I'm keeping it up so far so good. This forum has given so much information and hope that I need, when I read through the posts, I found myself relating to almost every experience guys here have encountered, and it is such a joy to see most of them recovered and having a positive fresh life.

    Just started my journal few days ago in the 20-24yo category: Feel free to drop a message, personal or in my thread, let's help each other out through the fight! :)
  14. whereibelong

    whereibelong Member

    I just talked to a friend about this and yeah, I do need to be clear about what I am looking for. Thanks.
  15. Coulumb

    Coulumb New Member

    Hey guys,

    I have a concern here and it's really bothering me lately. How bad is sexting? I've been avoiding PMO since day 1, and I've seen a little bit of improvement (my morning wood is back and hard, it doesn't maintain for a long time but so much better than before. And I'm more energetic lately, regarding the fact that I needed less sleep.) but back to the question, I do think sexting is a common thing that happens among gay guys, like when we're chatting in one of those dating/hookup apps, one thing leads to another, bang! we're having some dirty talks. The thing is I didn't do anything physically when I was sexting, I didn't touch myself, and try not to think about any hardcore fantasy. It didn't get me a boner, I'm still in my week 2, my libido has no sign of increasing. But I know sexting is an issue for me, and I did feel guilty after the chat, like the kind of guilt you felt after you PMO'd. So how bad is it? Is it as bad as pornography and would it set me back a lot? :-\
  16. LOGOS

    LOGOS Personal Best - 233 Days PMO-free

    You do point to a gray area in some ways, and are no scientific answers to these questions. First, I think it's best to shift the conversation from "will this hurt my reboot?" to "will this help my reboot?" The former question can easily hide our rationalizations for acting out in new form. The latter, I think, puts the real issue at hand on the table. It's best to cultivate activities that actively help and support your reboot, rather than simply trying to avoid activities that slow or reverse it.

    Ultimately the question is whether you seek arousal --which includes erections but also just the sense of buzz and interest that comes from flirting-- from real-life situations with real-life human beings in the flesh, or from some electronic device or screen. Sexting is obviously much more the latter. It's essentially having an interactive fantasy session with your device. The pictures that are traded, the words ... they are firing the same parts of the brain that porn activates.

    In fact, since you are flatlining and trying to eliminate porn, you brain might be especially craving these little hits of dopamine, leading you to sexting and to rationalizing it.

    Ultimately the question is: what's your goal here? Is it to get boners without porn? Or to change your relationship to sex? Either way, I think that sexting is unlikely to assist you in achieving that, but if it's the latter, examining how and why we use sex apps and all of that is part of the bigger question.
  17. Coulumb

    Coulumb New Member

    Thank you so much for the analysis! I do feel the same way that I should eliminate all the sexual temptations except with a real person. This morning I woke up really horny, so I did some sext again, and even worse I edged myself. But the thing is I have a strong will that I would never ejaculate by M, so even when I was extremely urged, I still was very clear about the fact that I am not gonna go all the way down. The thing is, I promised myself to have a 30-day abstinence before I start to rewire, but the guy that I have been sexting with would like to meet up, and it nearly killed me to make myself turn him down.

    Now I'm wondering, maybe this is like what you said that the dopamine is trying to rationalize it for me, that when should I start to rewire?? Should I wait till my libido returns and the improvements are very noticeable? Or should I start to rewire from now on? Step by step from foreplays without O.

    Also, I have used ed pills like levitra before I started my no PMO progress, can I use it when I'm rewiring, then gradually reduce the amount? There're just too many variables involved.

    Again, thanks for the reply, it really helped me clear up my mind on the sexting matter! :)
  18. LOGOS

    LOGOS Personal Best - 233 Days PMO-free

    I'm not sure what you mean by rewiring if you are also talking about abstinence and allowing your libido to return. But whatever you have in mind, my question is why wait at all to let your brain start to heal from its exposure to PMO?

    You mentioned edging, and you seem to have a sense that this isn't good ... but it's also useful to realize that edging is, in principle, no different than having an orgasm, from the point of view of addiction. The entire time you are edging your brain is in "reward" state, those neural pathways are being strengthened, and your are contributing to your hypofrontality.

    I think using ED medications to help you to experience intimacy in actual sexual encounters is OK, but it's also important, as you suggest, not to become dependent upon them when you're a young man (under 60).

    Good luck!
  19. Coulumb

    Coulumb New Member

    I agree with what you said, I consider edging is more damaging then having an orgasm.

    An update of my process, I had sex a day ago, it went very well with a mild dose of my ed pills. (I was bottoming if it makes any difference.) The thing for taking the pills is that, usually it delays my ejaculation, I have to fantasize a lot to reach the climax. But this time, during the whole time I did not fantasize a bit, I was just really focusing on what I am doing and enjoying it, and I ejaculated in a normal timing. Maybe it was because I haven't O'd for almost 2 weeks so it was easier than usual to achieve it.

    And I haven't craved for porn or sexting at all since the sex, all I want is real sex. So I think this experience did benefit my reboot, it definitely strengthened my longing for the normal intimacy and actual encounters like you said.

    Now I need to figure out a pace for my rewiring session, like once a week? twice a week? twice a month? or as many as I could? And also continue keeping myself away from P&M. The thing I'm afraid of is that whether rewiring would slow down the process of my libido returning?

    Anyway, thank you so much for your advice!! Have a wonderful week. :)

  20. LOGOS

    LOGOS Personal Best - 233 Days PMO-free

    Coulumb, are you talking about sex with a regular partner, or with several partners? Are they people whom you know, or new partners most times? I ask because, particularly as you move into the latter scenarios, it seems a little odd to schedule in the frequency of sexual activity. Sex happens when the circumstances arise --- one of the challenges (and dangers) of cruising apps and all of that is the feeling that sex is something that can and should be ordered like a pizza delivery. I would say you should have sex as often as you can reasonably connect with another person (what counts as connection is up to you to thoughtfully determine) and at a frequency that doesn't interfere with other important things in life, like work, community involvement, exercise, family, friendships....

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