FuturePerfect Introduction and Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by FuturePerfect, May 14, 2015.

  1. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Was reading a book and this quote hit me hard:

    "Have you ever noticed the double standard with judgments about physical and emotional discomfort.

    [...] Conversely, when we experience emotional discomfort (such as anxiety or frustration) we tend to immediately reject these experiences. We do not stop to consider if we pushed too hard or not hard enough. We typically label all emotional discomfort as "bad" or "wrong". We assume the distress is a signal that something is wrong. This type of reaction feeds the spiral. It leads to activation and struggle and the instinct to pull back rather than lean in.

    In our experience, willingness to experience both physical and emotional discomfort is a key factor in success..."

    That's pretty much it. For all this time whenever anxiety kicks in and I fear it is the withdrawal from PMO I hurry up to go back into the old vice, scared that I'm doing it wrong and that maybe Nofap ain't for me. Even with paroxetine withdrawal I'm just coasting the bad mood because I believe I have no choice on the matter, but regarding PMO I'm refusing to pass through an inch of anxiety. That's gotta change.
  2. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Long time. Sometimes I progress and last for weeks, some others I relapse and can't stay clean for more than three days. I feel confident into having crossed the worst of antidepressant withdrawal a month ago and now I attribute stuff to the wreckage of MO-PMO. Typical fatigue, lack of motivation and brain fog that I hope it goes as I keep on a straight path.

    Meditation and praying have been my two new tools to advance and so far I'm happy with them. I'm not too much of a newborn christian but found solace in using prayer beads and a typical, repetitive prayer in those times in the night in which the mind seems to go crazy and start ruminating thoughts, it works wonders to clear the head and making myself become "one". For the day, I've just acquired a zafu to practice some zazen. The lotus posture doesn't feel comfortable right now, but I do appreciate that keeping the back straight is notoriously easy and natural towards it and the emptying of oneself is a worthy experience. For now I'll practice it after lunch instead of the nap.

    Somehow I feel there's a lot of stuff pending to do with my life although the will to go with them waxes and wanes. I need to challenge the "feeling of lacking" that assaults me while abstaining: somehow the mind makes me believe that the ephemeral dopamine spike is the only alternative to a life of permanent dullness and boredom. Can't shake that false dichotomy and need a new mindset.
  3. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Counters seem to have returned!! Gotta try it.

    Good and bad news. I stayed clean for 10 days which was a progress after a long erratic period, sadly relapsed while alone in a hotel. Went for the thermonuclear option of turning off my tablet for good since that is the #1 road to perdition (way too confortable to watch while on bed or the bathroom). It worked, so I'm starting it again.

    Right now I'm fogged, can't concentrate and energy levels are on the floor. Don't want to think too much since in states like this I often fall into existential despair, the one about "what is all existence worth about" or "everything that could happened has happened". Bertrand Russel said it well that it is primarily a state of the mind rather than a logical or philosophical posture so rationally arguing against it is moot. Still, feels hard to use the mind to disregard what the mind concocts. Silly me, now I'm going for two weeks clean.
    Thebeg likes this.
  4. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    I agree, it doesn't really work to use the mind against itself. My experience with mediation learned me that observing the mind works better. But it takes some considering training.
  5. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    A little more than a month ago. Like two weeks ago relapsed into another binging season where I couldn't say off for more than two days, until I've finally hit bottom, and can't stand it anymore.

    I'm chronically fatigued, brain fogged all day long and without motivation to do a thing. I'm on the verge of losing my job, haven't been reprimanded, but suspect any close payday could be the last. And wouldn't blame them, in the "who wants to keep a zombie that stares for too long to the screen" kind of way.

    I've got alcohol intolerance all of a sudden: last sunday (when I had the lastt PMO) I had two beers and a glass of wine at noon and got quite dizzy and stoned, taking hours to recover which was counterproductive since it kept me awake until 3:15 AM, trying to get the sleep as someone who is trying to catch a train in the station which doesn't stops to pick up the passengers. Even a beer and a half of those I've been brewing got me unconfortable, so now I've become a brewer who can't have beers.

    The stupor and mental fog is such I can't fully comprehend how P and its addiction has drag me down to such dephts. In those windows where lucidity and feelings come, sadness prevails. I did this exercise about how one could imagine himself in the following year, 5 years and 10 years and I couldn't get how I could make it into the next ten years, only being able to picture me dying by my own hand or any sort of malaise before those ten years could happen. Even in the shorter term, my parents are old and their health is likely to deteriorate fast, so they're going out of the picture and there would be me without any meaningful memories of them in their last years, too high to bother.

    I'm not entirely confident about whether the fatigue will go away. These last days I've been sleeping a lot, although I wake up several times, have weird dreams and can't feel refreshed in the morning. I was trying to combat it in vain with caffeine but these pattern of me going for three cups of coffee until anxiety and unrelenting thoughts would start to take hold is already familiar, so I went back to a cup in the morning or none, doesn't feel much of a difference anyway. Testimonies say that the fatigue goes away by day 30 onward (up to 80 in one) so there's a long way to go but there's no time to lose.

    Can't say I have hope but a kind of "there's nothing else I can lose" kind of attitude. It's day 4 and save one trigger which I contained without too much trouble, I'm going forward. Wanna see the light outside the caverns where I've been for so long, there's nothing for me here.

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