FuturePerfect Introduction and Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by FuturePerfect, May 14, 2015.

  1. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Auditing is finally over and no major unsatisfactory findings happened. The inertia of all the anxiety from the last weeks has me a little perplexed, like a hostage who just got free and is still has an empty look into the horizon.

    Looking into the past 2 weeks:
    1 PMO that felt half assed in the midst of almost impotence and lack of pleasure during the orgasm. Was made in a desperate attempt to fall sleep and failed.
    1 MO in the morning "to relieve anxiety". Efficacy was probably placebo.
    1 MO again in the night, junk fully hard in another attempt to get asleep that failed.

    I have looked at porn only that time in the last two weeks. To be fair, the stress compounds any judgement since the mind was way too occupied to be craving for tits on the screen.

    I'm not having any immediate motivation to start watching some P but yesterday a unrelated search gave an image of a hot looking girl sitting on the lap of her alleged boyfriend with a bare torso and shorts that startled me a lot. It was candid without looking too much corny and the showing of woman gleefully surrendering to her man brings me some sort of excitement: I wish I would have a woman surrendering to me like that on her own will, no further interest of her own, and not only for sex, but for thw holw pack of living together and having a kid. Looks so near, yet so far.

    Other than that, I'm passing through some nasty apathy right now. Can't care about spending time with family, friends, or even watching movies or playing videogames. All I know for now is that in some hours I'm going to bed and might get a good night of sleep. It feels dangerous, since with this utter lack of motivation a porn at the reach of a click looks easier although to be honest even jerking off looks like a ton of work.

    Is it normal to have an apathy phase? How long does it last?
     
  2. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Yeah, apathy is normal when we've fucked up our brains from decade of regular PMO sessions. Just writing this... decade of regular PMO sessions. Fuck, this is just MASSIVE amount of conditioning. It will take a while to recover. There are no defined timelines. The extremes are a few weeks to a few years. I think a lot can happen in few good months.
     
  3. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    I see and against my desires of having it ended in a week, I understand. Thanks for the quick response pal.

    Man, a decade sounds like a milestone but given I was 23 years old already it is sadly entirely true.

    I had been handed by my mother some herbal pills with valerian, passion flower and IIRC orange blossom to take them at night, an hour before going to bed. They do induce drowsiness but it was yesterday that I remembered that the effect of these kinds of herbs is short lived and, if the window of sleepiness is missed, a rebound occurs and one is left with some level of wakefulness that resembles a little shot of coffee. I endulged in MO last night as a mini celebration of sorts (no P or any kind of screen involved) and to relieve some residual stress and missed the chance given by the herbal pills, which left the mind a little active with nowhere to go. For a moment I was expecting the night to end into anxiety and panic but for some unknown reason I managed to persevere in the relaxation and attained sleep in like 30-45 min anyway. Felt like a big momentary win, and it has shown me that at least on me and on these moments MO has a counterproductive effect regarding sleep. Will keep lowering its frequency; at least twice a week with no P involved is a progress of sorts, hopefully I reduce it further next week.

    Mornign work was almost a formality now that auditing pressure is gone for good. I did a little planning for the future and started to work on some ideas but honestly by now I'm sick of work and it getting into my sleep, almost want to ask for vacations to keep away from it. I hanged out with some gaming friends in the afternoon and retreated earlier since I'm still tired from the week, a bit anxious and couldn't get enough joy of the session. I hope to be able to endure more next week.

    These withdrawal and anxiety hangover phase puts some doubts in my head but I'm going to keep them on line. Next week I want to socialize more and get a net of connections that set both business going and some affective support for the hard times.
     
  4. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    These last days sleep has been fragmented, waking up every 2-2.5 hours even if going back to sleep quickly. Beats insomnia by a wide margin, but still feels like I could be resting better and feeling more refreshed at day. Dreams seems to come after dozing off at 3:30 or 6:00 AM but instead of interesting vivid adventures last ones were nightmares, one of them ridiculous: relatives and friends where hanging out in the kitchen and someone casually asks what does one sheet of paper attached to the fridge with a magnet mean, starts descripting the content and turns out it is the PMO spreadsheet!! And I'm trying to come up with something plausible and not actually PMO related. As I wake up from that bad dream, the dick is reasonable hard.

    There was a guy in the YBOP book saying how the brain will try its best to convince oneself of returning to the old ways. I thought it was a clever way to phrase it but now it feels like the 100 % true!

    Right now in the afternoon the cravings are strong and just imagining going to the procedure of opening the haunted links, see the content and "cheering" brings some fuzzy feelings to the stomach and muscle faces feel like doing some stupid full wide smile. Brain is damn stubborn indeed!! But I've been fooled enough by it that I'm not listening. Enough of all those times where I ended all "dried out" and having some black cloud on the head the next day and when reclaiming the brain would just tell "don't be like a this just have a coffee, it will also keep you awake and prompt enough in the night so you will give me my dopamine shot without trouble... eh just take it".
     
  5. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Sunday was a bad night and Monday anxiety went ballistic, had trouble breathing and was both tired while at the same time mind was at 200 kph quickly rushing through negative thoughts. Receeded slightly on afternoon.

    These last two days follow the pattern of fragmented sleep with some weird dreaming into a morning of anxiety. The antidepressant forums says it is cortisol (stress hormone) that rises to its peak by morning and which a sensitized person feels as anxiety. No matter what , it's bad in the term is anxiety can't be reasoned with and need to be coasted while trying your best to ignore.

    I'm probably still on antidepressant withdrawal and I doubt of my ability to deal with both PMO and antidepressant withdrawal at the same time; the anxiety - panic of Monday made me question my sanity and question whether it was better to just end it all with a bullet or similar device than to keep living as a crazy. I relapsed today out of desperation to get at least the calmed down state after. I did put me down, a bit more than I was wanting. Now I'm still past the Rubicon respective to Paxil and I no longer know whether PMO or lack of it help or put weight with the symptoms. I wish I were only fighting this last one addiction at a time but for now I'm looking to stabilize on the Paxil withdrawal. If everything goes right, I'll try to keep until next week without PMO.

    I'm doing some sleep hygiene which means all screens are shut off by 9 PM. I guess it's working since I don't struggle with falling asleep the first time and then I can bounce into sleep quickly as night goes on. I still feel like a old man whose body can't endure the daily pleasures but I hope it is provisional just as when someone looks the food he eats when having a stomach disease.
     
  6. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    ok, that anxiety has been receding into the background this week. Truth to be told, I relapsed yesterday but now that Paxil withdrawal seems to be a small issue it's time to tackle this last vice once and for all. Caffeine and alcohol are already under my belt (figuratively speaking) so funnily enough porn remains as the hardest challenge.

    Work has gotten interesting or maybe once the stupid pressure from auditing was lifted there's joy to be had on there, although I'm not too fond of staying overtime, wanna do some things outside work and home. Prescinding from PMO I can gain the last edge or push into action that I need to get out of the comfortable pit of commuting work-home-bed-porn... I can coast it and ride two weeks of no PMO, wish me luck.
     
  7. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Rough morning. Cravings were intense, dick got hard on its own like taking for granted I was going to succumb to its demands. Could stay off it and take my usual routine of eating breakfast and dressing up to work.

    Silly me, thought I was already cured enough for a cup of coffee made in the coffeemaker at work and paid the price. That coffee comes out rather concentrated, espresso like and put me a good upset on the stomach and frantic activity levels that upped anxiety to unconfortable levels. It subsided by afternoon but now I now I'm not ready yet: may take a cup of more diluited one in my home's coffeemaker next week if I feel like it.

    I have a kind of empty moment right now: I have come out of work, took a walk and visited the ATM for a reload of cash but other than this entry I'm into a now what state of mind. Too early to sleep and not that I planned to go out tonight. These empty moments are prime for tentations to hit so I may start reading a book because there's nothing else I feel like doing on the laptop. Gotta have a stash of activities for moments like this.

    Overall, fine mood. Let's see how it unravels tomorrow.
     
  8. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    I don't like having to admit it but truth is that I've been depressed these days. The "what is everything worth for" kind of depression. The living looking forward for the next weekend and that's it and not having a longer future orietnation bacause I can't give a damn about it.

    Technically, I'm no longer pressed at work and could have free time to endeavor on new adventures but the mind goes blank when trying to think on it. Normally I could say myself I could be working on it but I know something is bad because it keeps manifesting in the form of trouble sleeping: somedays and a little too anxious to relax at night and some others I wake up by 3:00 - 5:00 AM and struggle for like an hour to get back to sleep. Since I'm feeling well in other aspects I don't suspect it's Paxil WD related so both depression and P must be the culprits.

    On the good side, I have hit the gym for the third time and so far I enjoy it without having to be unable to move the next day. I wish it could impart its magic instantly and make me feel 100 % well but guess it is the kind of thing that has to become an habit first.
     
  9. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    WTF? I did triceps, bench press and other arm-chest routines last THURSDAY and muscles are still soreing! Had to check a magazine and this delayed muscular pain does appear "from 24 to 72 hours after an excercise session", oh well, I'm almost regretting having gone to the gym but I'm open to returning if by tomorrow pain is no more.

    Other than that, heavily depressed, huge black cloud on the head. I'm fighting it the best I can but does feel like a marble inside a bowl which rolls down to the center after the momentum is gone. Unsuspectedly, craves for PMO naturally lessen this days, with one exception... trying to sleep. Insomnia is the one thing I haven't get tough for. My panic attack that happened years ago ensured an almost phobic relationship to it. Today I can tell myself I'm not dying or going crazy for it and can reduce my judgement to "I have a case of depression with insomnia attached" but still dread the perspective of pulling a involuntary all nighter.

    Yesterday, despite taking some sleep hygiene measures my anxiety rose as I was getting on bed and the mind got turned on right when I was wanting it to fade. After several turns, it felt as if I had forgotten completely how to fall asleep and in desperation I recurred to my old friend MO, driven by fantasy. It was full of frustration, like those sex scenes in tragic movies where lovers are trying their hardest to find consolation for an absurd world, ephemeral as it may be. I was mad since the beginning but, like the mouse after doing the trick, got my treat in the form of drowsiness that could convert into a night of fragmented sleep, waking up quickly to take a sip of water but confident of having "remembered" the way back to the dreams.

    Pyrrhic victory in the sense I was low in energy at work today. But at least the day's almost over. Will keep pulling good actions and deeds in the account so maybe they manage to take me from the gaze of the black dog.
     
  10. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Oh yeah, that last delayed muscular pain is actually named DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness), had forgotten it, so much time of not exercising...:p

    Welp the lasts remnant of that pain refused to go away but having enough of lazying around went back to the gym cuz why not. Everyone and his mom talks about how it makes wonders to the body and the brain, I have just put the seeds, the fertilizer and the water and don't see the growth yet but I'll keep up if this time it doesn't correlate with another bout of insomnia. Put those chicken legs to work, let's see if I can go downstairs tomorrow.

    Depression lifts up in the evening, so that's an advance. That said, temptation to PMO have been high and has put me into high anxious / neurotic state when it has hit. Last night I woke up at 4:00 AM and it was promising a quick way to sleep but luckily I remember the "it's never too late" part of a song and stopped cold. Still managed to doze off for some more hours of rest.

    At this point I have to admit that since I was a teenager one theme of my fantasies was the passive one, almost bordering on femdom / older female and somewhere later it devolved into the sissy kind of gay porn where a feminized man surrenders and submits to a stronger, powerful one. Contrary to the regular ones, which inolved girls I actually knew, where hot and I actually wanted to tap, this ones usually involved a imaginary man, usually evil or even a demon. It is logical to my depressive state: the ultimate in surrendering, to stop looking for strength, to give up on hope, manliness and illusions, to stop the pursuit of accomplishments in life and to have a easy life as the property of another one with no further effort than being found and conquered. I want to stop having this recurring thought since it sinks me more into deppresion and passivity but being ingrained for so long, it's hard. I figure out that conquering and dominating a woman (in the good sense, skew rape scenes) could make me forget this but my situation as a omega man is hard to overcome.

    Anyway, it's the middle of the week. Let's see how this unfolds.
     
  11. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Fuuck! (rant incoming)

    Third time in a row I go to the gym with the honest intention of burn some calories and punish those lazy muscles and I get a long night of wakefulness as a result! Going to bed at the same hour (11-11:30 PM), keeping it dark and with a fan for both the cold and the white noise and setting screens away, all for nothing. Two hours and a half hours later and consciousness still going strong and body feeling hot as a pizza. Nearing 2 AM there were two alternatives to the all nighter: a Xanax pill or the cheap dopamine fix. Since last time I took the Xanax I felt horribly drowsy during the next day, I went with the PMO route and for once it worked. Getting me asleep at an unknown time since I didn't want to up the stress by checking the phone up until morning. Had a weird dream where I was given a huge wad of bills in a envelope easily summing about $1000 for winning some sort of lottery among the clients of a bookstore and I was heading home for planning how to spend it... waking up to reality felt a little sad.

    Anyway, I browsed the net for some connections between excercise and insomnia but panorama was bleak. Even when the term "post workout insomnia" exists and forum dwellers do report having trouble sleeping after a session, most related sites, belonging to the fitness industry and having such obvious conflict of interest, write some funny articles: "I-insomnia and working out? That's impossible, everyone knows that excercise is good for health and ergo promotes sleep, there's this collection of 30 anecdotes AKA as a study where people exercised (not telling the time) and slept like rocks! It must have been the coffee or caffeinated drink you took for the exercise. In case it miiight have been the exercise, do it on the morning next time, you don't have a job, do you?"

    Yeah I'm mad. For being put into the choice of damnations yesterday, for having a reason not to exercise that shouldn't be there and for relapsing and perpetuating the cycle, and most of all, for not being able to do what I could always do without trouble when younger.

    At the moment, I despair. Would love to enter to the Dragon Ball Z's time room so I could have months of solace and peace to do away with antidepressant withdrawal, PMO withdrawal and sleep renormalization so I wouldn't be pressed by keeping appearances on work, family and friends. Almost as tiring as the symptoms.

    I look forward to the afternoon so I can take a walk and relax among the tree's and landscapes of the block while having a sun bath. Wonder if I can find a therapist I can trust (not a psychiatrist who would throw me under the SSRI bus) for progress.
     
  12. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Exercise right before bedtime can make your body too much in 'action mode' so the heart rate will be too high to fall asleep. It does help if you meditatie before sleeping to calm your system down, try it.
     
  13. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Thanks for the reassurance @Thebeg, it was sorely needed. Got any resources on how to learn meditation? I'm going to look for a therapist anyway in order to learn either meditation, Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy or Tai Chi since some physical contact and direct help from a human being can't be beat by texts in the laptop (which I'm avoiding in the night anyway).

    Some bumps on the road when trying to sleep but last night it was much better: although fragmented, got some solid 7-8 hours that left me refreshed. Nervous system is highly sensitized, though and the combo of 1 craft beer and a glass of white wine gave me some bad anxiety and inner restlessness. Managed to purge it with the daily afternoon walk so I'm fine now, getting ready for the challenges of next week.
     
  14. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    I actually give meditation workshops so yeah I know a thing or two ;)

    In its most basic form you sit (on a chair or cross-legged on a pillow) with your back straight. Easiest is to keep your eyes closed. Breathe in and out slowly through the nose. While you do this, pay as much attention as you can to every aspect of the breath. After a while you'll notice you were somewhere else with your thoughts. This is ok and completely natural. So when you become aware of this, bring your focus back to your breath. You can start with 2-5 minutes in the morning and work your way up to 10-15 minutes. You can even go longer, 30-60 minutes. This way you're doing two things: you're training your ability to focus by constantly bringing your attention back. And secondly you're actively working on observation rather than thinking. This will reduce worrying, stress, etc.

    There are many different techniques. Another is counting every exhalation, going from 1 to 10 and then starting over again. When your mind has wandered, start over again at 1. The goal is not to reach 10 (which is really hard) but again bringing the focus back over and over again. A third technique is observing what you feel in every body part. Starting from the head, going all the way down to your toes and then back up again.

    You can also google a lot of stuff. Good luck!
     
  15. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Ok, went to the gym from 6:30 to 7:10 PM. Aside from the cardio, went for the shoulders and chest sections. Didn't planned to get exhausted but I must have forgotten what it was to have shoulder muscles because just some dumbell lifts later they couln'd rise anymore! Ended a little more tired than I wanted but earlier than previous attempts. Will be a interesting night, will do some relaxing first.
     
  16. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    If you're going to lift weights, I really suggest using free weights.
    I joined the barbell society at my university, and they gave free lessons.
    If you can't do that, the book to read is Starting Strength (https://www.amazon.com/Starting-Strength-Basic-Barbell-Training/dp/0982522738/).
     
  17. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Bad new. Before going to bed, ended relapsing before taking a shower. Sleep came out fast although fragmented but given the sleep aid it was like cheating. At least I yearn for another visit to the gym to keep giving muscles the fair treatment they deserve.

    Day 1 - I never thought it would happen but I've run out of websites to visit or, more specifically, I've run out of interest to surf the web, P included. Just want to keep the progress threads updated. Good in the sense it was an aimless activiy of self indulgency and evasion, although now that it's gone I dunno how I would be killing time in the short term. Given how much of a non - social hermit I am, small posts in Whatsapp groups of friends and family sound like a good self imposition to progress on the social side. Other than that, I'm getting a liking for printed books and movies, whatever that force me to keep the attention focused without the address bar nearby.
     
  18. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Day 2. Feel a little more energy than the last days, although also an anxiety peak at noon. In the evening, I walked at a slightly faster pace, reordering some thoughts. One older quirck was to go a office stuff shop to acquire some new shiny gadget, but today I couldn't give a damn about anything in it, other than some 2B leads that are a PITA to find. Need to give full form to my vision and give it the urgency that the Underdog mentioned, since other than that I'm just living for the next weekend.
     
  19. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Ugh, bad night last one. Woke up in the middle of the night and struggled to sleep again, mind set loose and difficult to put on a leash. Didn't thought it was that bad in terms of hours, but I was tense and exhausted all morning and anxiety escalated into panic until I couldn't take it anymore and PMO'd at home at lunch time. It did calmed me and made the afternoon term come up easier although I was almost sleeping near exit time.

    Sigh, I thought I had left behind those bad days of peak anxiety and panic and feel clueless on how to cope with them. For the moment, weekend is near and will let me rest.
     
  20. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    I don't know why, but got some annoying neck pain in the last three days. Can't be the pillow or the bed, been sleeping exactly as before. It is a little more manageable today, so I hope is on decrease.

    Had some urges on the morning, at one moment dick pretends to go PIED, at some other moment it rises by itself like expecting its demands to be listened ASAP. Luckily, its pleas fell on deaf ears.

    Anxiety has been hitting me at times, and depression is still operative. High order one, making me wonder why anything is worth doing or living for. I'm questioning my atheism and where it is leading me to. I'm too much of a scientist to directly start believing in a God as prescribed by religion although at times I wish I were able to believe, life that way sounds so easier. I'm going to go for a indirect approach learning prayer from people I respect like Anthony de Mello. Will also read something about Zen Buddhism since that is probably something I could get behind.
     

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