FuturePerfect Introduction and Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by FuturePerfect, May 14, 2015.

  1. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Total flatline, today I can't bother to think about anything sex related. Too bad that it is probably SSRI induced but even then my intelectual self is overjoyed anyway to be unchained from the urges of biology and the lower region so that it can roam free; it almost feels like finding pride in being in a asexual state. If it weren't for the tinnitus right now I would wish I could stay in this state forever and forsake all pretensions of looking for a partner for life. On the other hand, I know this kind of state ends in an stupor where I can give a damn about feeling or doing anything. Such a trap for the soul... I hope it resolves on the next week.
  2. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    This sucks.

    Had been having some ups and downs along the last year. I stabilized pretty well on paroxetine, and although I had some bumps on the road when I didn't take the dose it was getting all well. A promotion at work put me to work on what I really specialize and like instead of the old repetitive and mind numbing routine and I was enjoying. Sleep got better too and rarely sleep wouldn't come if I wanted to.

    That said, I still hate the sense of having the O completely shut down while sometimes experimenting the full libido. Like getting the pressure building up at the boiler and then close shut all relief valves. Uncomfortable and I went to PMO one day or the other when not taking the pill the day before. And like most drug downward spiral movies, it escalated and went for the worse, with me getting highs from PMO and coffee and lows after those at night. Felt like the archetypical roller coaster and had some adrenaline rush to it.

    Christmas has shown me I have gotten old. I take a beer or two at parties, although the notion on been under paroxetine makes me uneasy and as age goes up it is far easier to get lasting hangovers compared to the days of youth. God I miss those days when I would be wide awake and well by 11 AM even if the day before I got wasted on alcohol. Now three beers can keep me down until afternoon, and I still have fear to reject drinks at reunions for fear of being labeled as the guy under shrink meds. So this Christmas I wish I would be working all days (I actually skipped about four days of vacation when I could have easily taken them) because other than the first meeting with family members "get sit down in a room and chat and drink until 3 AM" gets old and pointless for me by the 2nd time. Also, all those dinners at restaurants and relatives' homes have taken a toll on my waist and have given me a damn belly that has been making some pants unconfortably tighter.

    Yesterday, some drinks at supper left me drowsy by 6 PM and I was not liking the idea of taking a nap so late because of the incoming night of staying looking at the ceiling with eyes wide open. So I took a cup of coffee... and proceed to fall asleep anyway well into 8 PM. Until then, coffee did its work and I kept wide awake until 4 AM despite having to work half day today (of course, employed the old trick of sleeping aid PMO).

    Huge headache today which didn't go away the whole morning at work. Had to prepare some food at home since I'm fully alone in the home this days (yes, I know) and the headache is getting on the way of taking a nap and I'm here succumbing to PMO for the second day on a row.

    Here I am, wearing pajamas at Saturday night since I really want to recover from all these and start the year anew. Some underlying sadness and vague feeling of emptiness linger, but I'm resolved to get out of this. I'm buying a car this month and build a life a life on my own. Wish me luck.
  3. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    On the one hand, it's been a year and still here but on the other fuck, I just read the last post and feels like a deja-vu and not in a good way.

    Left paroxetine for good. I was tapering at a quarter of a pill but eventually it came to a point where I would feel withdrawal wheter I took them or not so decided to cold turkey them at last. Stopped going to the psychiatrist because I really don't trust her. Feel like a visit with the timer set on 30 minutes where she were wondering when I would just shut up so she could charge me $30 for the session and get the next sucker going in. The more I think it, the less I trust anybody regarding mental issues... I would blame the psychiatrists of all of this but truth is that society as a whole wants them to put you on a zombifying med so you at least stay there silent without pestering anyone. On the end, you are on your own whether you want it or not. Disappointment remains, but the knowledge gives perspective and make me look forward.

    Yep, lack of paroxetine meant the O was back and I was quick to indulge myself into PMO until it became a dairy thing with the caffeine and the alcohol doing tag team during the holidays. Would have been going for more days but yesterday I woke up in the morning with that primal, chemical sense of dread and a completely new high pitched tinnitus on the right ear. That thing has been making me crazy since it is a new pitch and volume that I haven't been able to ignore like the previous tinnitus I had. It even made suspect of some sort of machine or device of hell doing that same noise in the outside for the sole purpose of make me mad but the consistency of the sound has convinced me it is actually inside my head.

    That is pretty much hitting bottom for me. A quick search showed that tinnitus and abnormal dopamine levels are probably related and given how PMO puts its practitioners in the low dopamine life I connected the dots and concluded there is a high chance this tinnitus is PMO induced. May be a little bit paranoid but I'll hold onto the assumption for the sake of having something to drive me to get away from PMO and excess caffeine. For the moment, no PMO at all and a cup of coffee a day are the goals to achieve. To be fair, I'm not worried about alcohol because both the dizziness and the hangovers it induces when drinking too much are arguments that spontaneously deter me from getting it out of control. Getting addicted to alcohol would be like getting addicted to excessive exercise: there is a inherent nonlikeability on both that I wouldn't overcome.

    this year looks like interesting times: need to be on top form to save face.
  4. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    About three days from the wake up call. Still feel half shit, lacking energy and desire to go outside but the urge is lurking around. I dunno whether I have been ignoring it or if it actually goes away but the tinnitus is only notorious afternoon by now. Still, a very good remainder of not going for the silly PMO routine.

    Overall, good mood even if I don't know exactly where I plan to go further. Like an a priori feeling of things going to go well. Let's see if it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
  5. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Ahhh the course of singing victory way too early.
    The night before.

    I had brewed some coffee at the office afternoon. It may be the coffee beans bought last time or the 5 cup coffee maker that I received as a present seems to demand a bigger proportion to give the same dark color. My coworker insists me to add more but even with a mid brown look the cups don't lack any taste. Guess what, that was enough to keep me with eyes wide open until 01:30 AM. And by the time I actually attempted to sleep, tinnitus was at its loudest and hardest to ignore. The White Noise app I tend to play failed me in part because the usual tones of running water or rain I set to get asleep were poor to counterbalance the high pitch in my right ear and since I'm used to sleep sideways with a pillow over my face to keep it warm against the cold air, it make a very convenient silent chamber where the cellphone sound reaches harder but the ringing can prosper undisputed. At some point I turned off I could say to myself "time to sleep, bitch this is your new white noise" and it actually worked, to the point that I could quickly go back to it after a brief interruption to piss.


    Tinnitus kept strong today, just like Thursday and throughout the entirety of the day. Truth to be told, my past weeks have been a textbook case of "how to acquire some really notorious and long lasting tinnitus": withdrawing paxil a month ago, skipping on water drinking and ignoring thirst as if it had been a second nature, some nights of heavy drinking with me going to sleep shiffaced, caffeine to compensate for the abuses and of course, PMOs daily of every two days with Wednesday being topped by doing it twice. I want to say "Ok, leasons learned, can we please turn the volume off now" but of course it doesn't work that way, and results aren't going to be instantaneous with a day or two of no PMOs and little alcohol and caffeine.

    Today, was worst case scenario at work, a long lasting meeting which extended for 4 HOURS AND A HALF, me wanting to go away to the solitude of my desk. As expected, the meeting devolved into the catharsis of the attendees, and long monologues which were a pain to follow even if I were into full attention mood. For moments anxiety got a hold of me and sending me into the "will I ever be normal again" kind of worries that were consuming and at the same time were pushing me inside to move and release the anxiety by getting up and walk back and forth but of course couldn't and had to stay still in the chair. Awful from beginning to finish.

    After that I was poised to go visiting my sister and my brother in law whose birthday we were going to celebrate among family. As much as I tend to feel awkward in those situations and in the face of tinnitus fueled anxiety, I actually remained calm and engaging in conversation and for a while the buzz went away. I planned beforehand to have a single beer but in the heat of the moment went for a second one. Put me quite drowsy and later I took a short 30 minutes nap in a bedroom which replenished me for the remaining of the meeting.


    So here I am. Just like yesterday, feeling confident of withstanding this "wave" (antidepressant sufferers call those tough periods) and getting stuff done in the future. Still, very annoyed with myself because of the mood changes, as only right now I can feel the certainty of getting better, but maybe tomorrow or just a few hours from now some thought of doom could seed the panic within me and put me into totally defeatist mode, fantasising of finishing it quickly and permanently with a bullet.

    What can one arm himself with against the unpredictable roller coaster of emotions? It reminds me of the Mule character of the Foundation saga, able to directly manipulate emotions to make people want to serve and adore him. A former enemy of him wonders "how can I beat an enemy who can make YOU to voluntarily bow and surrender to him?". It's as if these chemistry within that prompts people to feel happy, to cry, to have hope or to despair, were the one in charge with me being nothing but a mannequin of it. Does a soul beyond those hormones, those signaling substances and those neuron synapses exist, or is a human being existence inherently tied to it just as a castle in the sand being nothing past the sand itself? For one I can try stoicism and let some rational thoughts formed within myself perdure as a imperative during those dark desperate moments, although for moments it feels like setting some program lines for a robot to follow them.
  6. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Sigh, just relapsed an hour ago...

    Climate has been cold with freezing winds outside. I had been trying to take a nap against the now everpresent tinnitus and the anxiety which could be felt as fast heartbeats. Had finally found a position confortable and warm and had set the white noise to some beach waves. In that realm between wakefullness and sleep, random images were coming to the head and one of them was a hot blonde in the sand, then lying with her back against the sand, legs spread and knees bent... once I was hard I went to the bathroom to PMO.

    It managed to calm indeed, I noted some louder ringing in the left ear for a while. I could lay down again in the bed and quickly get a short nap. Anxiety faded... for the moment and here I am being free from the monster doing some posting and planning.

    Welp, I have used my one PMO ammo for the week, was planning to use it midweek but now I have no excuses. The chemical induced serenity after the O is the one convincing me that there's an end to this, but I fear that later it is the chemical induced anxiety the one who will command me to despair. How do you shield against this?
  7. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    I finally saw a ENT to do something about the tinnitus. He did saw a mild sinus infection I suspected I had because of the pain near the eye and up to the head and as a bonus he also found twin earwax blockades. Those were cleaned up and the ringing lowered a good bunch to the point of not making me think about it every 10 minutes. Still a bit louder than I would wish (my usually low levels) but given the infection it has the chance of going lower with the meds subscribed.

    Coffee has been reduced to a cup these two days and I feel rather good about it. Also started reading a light novel from this John Hazelbach author on the Kindle app. Gotta admit that just using another app different than a browser makes a lot of different and reading pure text with little or no images is great to keep the dick from getting bad ideas.

    Technically this is day two, but that almost feel like cheating because these two days with some pain and discomfort the last thing I would have wanted to to is to get load off to porn. However, if everything comes out well, tomorrow I'm going to be on a very good mood and higher energy level...which is precisely the moment where the urges are more likely to strike. For the moment, I got a e- book about stopping masturbation so I'll be reading it in those moments of maximum temptation. It is pain to have those things among my media because it now means I can't let anyone see the Kindle app in my tablet lest he or she uncovers this tiny addiction I'm trying to leave.

    Any people here has funny stories of how far you have to go to keep your jerking off tracks? Could be one hell of a thread although I dunno where is the right place to start it.
  8. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Day three of the routine. I starting reading a part of The Professor novel from Hazelbach after work on the bed. The short trip on the Humvee with the father's son was great, but maybe as a result of the one cup of coffee and no nap, my eyelids were going down in later chapters and I was feeling like an old bum. Reminds of my father and that old joke that fathers never finish a movie awake.

    Tinnitus has followed this progression of morphing into some crickets sound with some very high pitch spikes that almost cross the realm between sound and and some sort of pressure or electrical feeling. Can't say I am overjoyed by this but after 5 days of misery it is still a relief. I can say I'm recovering the mood because today anger managed to built up inside me and almost make me stand up from my chair, close my fists and look into something fiercely.

    Not that I'm proud of that however, since that is exactly how my father is and my granfather was: exploding into bouts of anger by the tiniest of reason, either doing something stupid that could set them back by months or years or merely pointing out how humorless and prone to temper tantrums they were, like the proverbial grumpy old geezer that rages at the sun. Sometimes I feel cornered between being a grumpy man and hold it back and become a doormat like my mother, feeling that either way I lose. Being fair, the bouts of anger feel good for the power feel, and I'm quite sure that deep in their souls neither my father not my grandpa regretted it even if it's wielded in a clumsy manner, but knowing when to say stop is the hard part.

    Anyway, as I'm feeling better, temptation to PMO lurks around. As I opened the manga browser I had to stop it dead because even the nonhentai one I was reading had very well drawn women on it and it would have spiraled out to relapse. Managed to read a part about mindfullness and triggers in that other no PMO book. The mindfulness part sounds esoteric, like one is going to be introduced to chakras and constellation next but there's but has merit. I'm probably dissing it because for a man like me whose mind is almost always on a frenzy it sounds as unattainable as becoming a contortionist, learning chinese, solving a Rubik cube and some other things which I already feel too old to start learning. That one, however, it's worth every bit of effort and since I'm about to enter the fray these next days, it is a primary moment to test it.
  9. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    A high and a low. No, the low doesn't mean I relapsed. Still proud of commiting to the weekly challenge.

    Day 4 was great: with high energy levels, full of confidence and a lot of enthusiasm going. Although thoughts of sex and P did come to the mind, I could brush them off without much problem, too occupied having a good mood for them. Work ended quickly and when going home I kept tidying up my room and getting rid of a lot of excess baggage. They said that you pay for things three times: the first one when you buy them, the second one when you store them and the third time when you have to move with them: well, I have some big liabilities to get rid of then. Bunches of paper with information no longer relevant could be tossed away and some old broken gadgets were discarded too. All in all, much needed, and could go to sleep with that "can't way for tomorrow" feeling.

    Today... whole nother story. I woke up with some slightly louder tinnitus. Nothing remotely close to the nightmare of the week before, but it was enough for me to get overly anxious and mentally ruin my day by myself. Even if I stopped listening to it as I got to do activities at work, energy levels where damn low today, feeling tired without the accomplishments that actually make you feel tired but proud. Probably wandering around with the head hanging low, oozing that kind of black depressing fog that could make people stand away in a 3 meter radius lest they get it transmitted.

    I used to wonder some years ago if the trifecta of alcohol, caffeine and porn practiced with prejudice would ever have a toll on the body and mind, and if so, when. I was hoping for some retaliation at maybe 50 years old so the 30s decade would be still a walk in the park. Welp, that toll is happening now, at least in myself. I'm green with envy at people that can pop the coffee, the coke (I mean the soda, not the drug) and the nights of heavy drinking. I can't, and I better be finding a way of life proper of myself.
  10. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Sigh, couldn't resist until today. Yesterday I relapsed at afternoon. It started to get me like some kind of suddenly contracted fever with accelerated pulse and at that moment I couldn't remember the techniques for resisting because to be fair I haven't internalized them. For shame, for shame.

    Remorse after it about "not getting up to what I'm standing for and the like" stroke immediately after and worriness about possible somatic effects that I'm fleeing from like the tinnitus. I came out later for a meeting with some gaming friends so it got me distracted, although I left by 12:00 AM being tired. Nothing too bad in here since 6 hours of gaming shouldn't be like a walk in the park.

    Yesterday and today tinnitus have reached a new low and I'm overjoyed at it. Will keep on staying properly hydrated since I don't want to give the body any excuse to start funny symptoms and will lay a plan for this week. For the moment, I'm resting all well since tomorrow the day is off.
  11. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Social meeting! Stayed on a single 500 mL Stout beer. Totally worth it since it did loosen me up without putting me drowsy.

    Now that I'm thinking it, staying outside of the vice has a benefit of me actually putting out plans in my head and looking forward to things. After doing more stuff the last week I remembered how PMO heavy days would put me on standby not wanting to do anything but staying on bed browsing pages without actually looking for deep content because that would be putting too much thought. "Wasted" is actually a proper motto for that state.

    Given the day off, the week "begins" tomorrow. Given that the nasty symptoms of last week are almost gone, have no excuses.
  12. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    This sucks.

    I've turned 33 some weeks ago. I was expecting it to be the magical change when I would turned to be different forever; not only it didn't happen, but I indulged into a PMO binge of almost daily or daily PMO for about two weeks or more (didn't wanted or bothered to count).

    I'm between mad or plain disappointed about my job. Got a raise, but it still doesn't hide the fact that I've utterly lost the motivation that once I had to do it about 5 or 6 years ago when I felt younger. Not that I can't function, since at least I feel sharp enough to do it but it has crossed into that "why is all of this worth for" kind of boundary.

    I'm gonna say as I read the previous posts that I don't feel bound to the alcohol as it was before. Even when brewing some beers, whenever I drink them I stay at 1 500 mL or two 355 mL without craving for more or getting ahead of myself. With I could say the same of PMO: "I did that one last month and don't feel like craving it neither now nor ever".

    OK, there is a exception, I went with some pals to party a week ago and eventually we ended doing going to some strip clubs and after some drinking I eventually ended up getting laid with some gal that was quite decent (don't feel alcohol was distorting the view but maybe). Considering that I had PMO that day before, I still managed to get it up and had my first decent performance of about 15 minutes or at least nothing premature. Still, the experience was mixed: here I would go into the room thinking it was going to be a very good time and even during it I felt like I was just eating a good meal and that's it. Actually after some time the main worriness was getting deflated before going off although didn't happen.

    However, that's the problem, even getting the real thing after a lot of time of living of fool's gold I'm still back at square one, obsessing about sex and doing or refraining from PMO.

    On the symptoms front, luckily tinnitus has not become a issue ever again, but this week I have been having a sensation of saliva or thick mucus or phlegm accumulating in the throat and refusing to get swallowed. I can narrow it to an alergy or some gastric reflux but since it refuses to pass away it will need a visit to the doctor.

    Somehow I woke up at 5:00 AM and give up about sleeping again. Had been sleeping well but maybe I'm having a bout of insomnia. Oh well, at least I feel far of the paroxetine withdrawal it almost feel like a memory of long times ago.
  13. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    One bad week. Would like to way "terrible" but admittedly there have been worse.

    Heartburn and GERD are the themes of the week. By now I'm sure it was what kept me awake last saturday and what woke me up early yesterday. Some baking soda got me back to sleep yesterday and today I was prepared with an early dinner and an antacid... only to wake up at 4:30 AM like with clockwork precision (no hearburn - yay) and again not being able to get back sleep at all. DAAMN!!

    In the SSRI forums they say cortisol levels rise since that exact 4:30 in preparation to waking up in the morining, but sensitized people by either SSRI withdrawal or **binging in PMO**cough** react by waking with panic and anxiety. Well they've gotten me either way.

    All this have been the last straw that pushed me to abandon coffee to the point I have only drank two cups in the entire week where I was surfing on two cups and a coke last week. That said, I'm not looking forward to a diet for GERD or gastritis since those are restrictive as fuck. Will have to cope for sure for these days tho.

    I don't know if this is a part of the SSRI withdrawal but looking back, it was unavoidable: I had been living the past months on maintenance mode, autopiloting from work to home to work (like the Click movie when Adam Sandler rather press forward to go with life) and living in a emotionally stunted mode. This has made me realize I'm 33 and life is finite, the proverbial middle age crisis. The song "Time Flies" from Porcupine Tree sums it pretty well:

    But after a while
    You realize time flies
    And the best thing that you can do
    Is take whatever comes to you
    'Cause time flies

    I'm part anxious and part depressed right now. Work load has been heavy this week (like 10 hours daily) and I was clearly not wanting a low or a insomnia bout right now. I have some leftover Xanax from last year when I went to the psychiatrist and look quite tempting for the next time I woke up early in order to bounce back to sleep immediately. Benzos don't scare me since their effects are short and I have never used them more than a month in the two times of my life I needed them, but somehow I feel it is like cheating. Any softer sleep remedies you know?
  14. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    By this weekend, GERD has been continued by a nasty flu, with me dripping from the nose and requiring always a tissue nearby.

    Anxiety waxes and wanes, sometimes making me believe that being a functional being is beyond my capabilties and some other times having a clear head feeling that makes look forward. Last two days I have been sleeping "in fragments", waking up every two hours more or less and going back to sleep in a few minutes. Would rather doze off and find out it's already 9 AM but I'll take it, doesn't feel like insomnia.

    I guess I would be a textbook definition of ADHD even when I see that word become overused but my brain seldom slows down. Problem is, it comes into paranoid thoughts when anxiety kicks in, making me feel doom is near at the slightest symptom. Lack of sleep and impotence trigger me qute hard and put me into a spiral of worriness. With the anxiety and illness I have almost zero sex drive but I look and depend on having wood as reassurance, to the point I commited MO (no P, just from imagination) just to convince myself everything was fine which it isn't.

    Just having read the 10 superpowers read put me green with envy. Now that I have a clear mind I must propose myself yet again a week without P or M. I'll handle it.
  15. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Among the flu, some lingering anxiety at random moments of the day and some back ache from walking and standing still a lot, I've had zero desire to PMO. Can't say it's a merit. If I remember well this would be day 4, but feels like day 1 in terms of urges. I don't bother to count each day that passes obsessively since IMO that makes people fixate more on it instead of less. Gonna put a counter as soon as I figure how in this new forums.

    A side consequence of these last weeks of turmoil is that spendings have been kept quite low, so a month of wages accumulated in the bank and, combined with a debt payment I've just received, has left me a nice stack of money on my account. I'm not motivated enough yet to find something to spend it but on the positive side temptations aren't lurking either. Might use it to get a better car because that freakin Topaz make me pull my hairs at every new failing it shows. on a ideal world I would like it new to not worry about any breakdown the previous owner may be hiding but given how fast new cars depreciate I may be wasting money anyway.

    I wish it were already may 15 because that is the day auditing is over at work. I have to do some worthless jobs and chores to keep things in order before the hood is opened but god those bore me to tears. I'll be proposing my boss assigning them to a newer and more bureaucracy loving office drone because it takes time and honestly can use my wits for better and more productive tasks. At least I can realistically see them over in the near future. After a day of a soul crushing job a night of a quick jizz-releasing pastime is all the more attractive, and don't want to fall into that pit again.
  16. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Yup, I hit it last: PIED. When even the body puts on a strike and refuse to play along with the incesant demands of the engaged mind.

    Some fantasy or thoughts can only get a slight tension down there, need heavy assitance to get firm and doesn't last long. Last thursday I relapsed at night wanting to "test it out" by resorting to some heavy artillery or a video (nothing S & M extreme, but a girl really gorgeous at that) and obviously conducted to the whole three letters. Now that I have stopped resisting the facts, I'm resting here without pretensions of further testing.

    I watch pretty ladies at the street and the mood does go up and makes me want to do some strouting and sweetalking at them, but I'm not fully recovered of the SSRI wave to keep the high energy and momentum for long. I yearn for an actual mate and this year I'm getting one I hope. For the moment, I gotta say I'm thankful for these bump in the road that made me woke up. I was drifting through life with no aim even after turning 33 but these definitely remind me that life is too short to waste it like this.

    On other notes, some upper back pain hit me and has made long walks unconfortable. Probably a result of sitting for a total of 8 hours a day at work as of late; I've been doing it for some months and these bad days the whole body may be sensitized. Gotta research some exercises and postures because hell no to living like a cripple without even a big accident involved.
  17. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Anxiety still lurks at the morning, which is bothersome because its origin feel so chemical and born from a place where no rationality exists it is almost foolish to combat it by arguing with myself why I should not be afraid. Luckily it fades away as hours go by.

    Good mood at the rest of the day. Bought some clothing and actually managed to stay normal and look to the eyes to the ladies attending. Might have not made their day entirely but they did smile back. Feels a little weird because even having the mood to talk I can't possible bother to imagine myself with them at a sexual level. Right now the brain knows chicks are nice but it is acting on their own the lower body having this CLOSED sign displayed before it. Feels kinda nice in the sense it brings no trouble but will be needed for closing the deal later.

    Wish time could happen fast and I were already on day 80 of no PMO but in this aspect time appears to drag down and walk like a snail. On the other side, it was probably necessary to hit this bottom to start going up.
  18. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    At morning there was an attempt to morning wood. Died as soon as I was the one to get up.

    Flatline again. Capable intelectually but feel like the comedy asexual guy that gets in those weird situations where there is big innuendo or double entendre going on and doesn't get it at all or either gets bored and asks when is cake going to be served (that last one is a popular meme of the asexuality movement; investigated a little back in the day when I was wondering if I was asexual indeed before the maelstrom of porn sucked me on).

    Anxious a good amount of the morning, more than I was expecting. At least back pain has receded into a minor inconvenience.
  19. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    I got a unusual wood in the morning which actually put me horny and couldn't resist. I eschewed P completely, MO on head images alone. It was as anticlimatic as you could expect with barely feeling the O. At least there's not P looking at all since about a week and a half.

    Downloaded the YBOP book in order to study the enemy and keep the mind busy. It is one part relieving to find out that my issues are the ones felt by the collective of members here and in other forums; however, it is also one part embarassing to find I'm the textbook case of addiction. Was always telling myself that my problem was a light one, using imaginary cases to which I compared favorable to convince myself. However, al the symptoms from the rush of opening new videos to the scalating to worse tastes are there, as well as the problem of low energy, concentration, motivation, etc. However, after knowing how the addiction function, how the parade of new stimulus streamed in quick sucession saturates and overload the brain, I got a new insight on how to cut it for sure because before it was merely a "don't give in to temptation" which make it all the more attractive.

    On the good side, last night and tomorrow morning I had the highest mood and energy I've ever had on weeks. I stayed awake a little later than usual yesterday because of experience some unusually active mood but when I finally went to sleep it was easy and had the longest period without waking up. Today there was no anxiety waiting in the morning which was a huge plus and gave me hopes that at least the antidepressant withdrawal part is receding and all is left is to fight the PMO withdrawal.

    That said, I hit a hole of low energy by this afternoon. Maybe it was the idea of coming off work early only to get out relatively late what put me in this downer mood or maybe it's slightly delayed exhaustion of MO the day before. Still, all the symptoms of lack of interest and a ADHD like level of inattention to people for longer periods of time are there.

    I've yet to get over all these but the evidence of recovery is there. Need to put to good use.
  20. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Feel like I crossed a point of no return. Insomnia hit me hard, and my almost phobic reaction to it put me close to a panic attack and make me recur to some emergency Xanax pill with which I snatched 4 hours of sleep. Yes, I tried MO and didn't help at all and was all sorts of pathetic, half flacid and less than half orgasm feeling. Those days when I at least enjoyed myself are lost long ago.

    Anxiety looks to be here to stay, I hate it. It's like 5 years ago when all of this happen and made me a official number of the anxiety-depression sufferers. Will try to overcome it as auditing finally happens. Don't wanna return to SSRIs, that ship sailed long ago and has no future in it. No Porn is a better prospect for treatment, although the road is bumpy as hell.

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