FuturePerfect Introduction and Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by FuturePerfect, May 14, 2015.

  1. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Hi everyone, an introduction is obliged. I turned 30 years old recently. I had been waxing and waning regarding PMO along the years. Although I has always been the nervous type but overall healthy when I was young. There some funny symptoms like blurry visión that came sometimes but never got worse , at 28 I got an escalating crisis where my job was on the line and even when everything came well, I couldn't disconect my anxiety and felt physically ill to the point that I couldn't sleep more tan 2 hours at night and I knew I had to go a doctor convinced there was some very bad disease that was about to kill me. I have become a little paranoid over the smallest symptoms.

    Tests came fine, even the blood ones and a neurologist sent me to the psychiatrist where I met clonazepam and paroxetine. I managed to quit clonazepam quickly but stayed on paroxetine a year and a half. At first, it actually sent my libido away and the flatline was quite enjoyable and I felt it even make me feel all powerful but the effect eventually faded away and I decided to cut the drug. Tapering off it was easy at higher doses but eventually doses were so small I quit cold turkey. Sometimes I get some odd experiences but they are becoming more and more rare.

    On the other side, libido came back with a vengeance and I returned to my old habits and to a point PMO became my proof I was doing fine, I mean, if I'm horny and I can get hard and off I must be top healthy right? You can imagine the rest: it has become a downward spiral where I feel worse and as soon as I give signals of recovering I succumb to the temptation. Also, in my daily life I have been merely hanging around with no plans except for next weekend.

    PMO has been giving diminishing returns with me taking more and more effort each time. This week, I got some pain, numbness and weakness I didn't remember getting before and got nervous it was some sort of new disease... until I connected the dots and realized it was the combo of sore muscles on the right arm and me putting max pressure on the nerves on my elbow given than PMO had been getting more difficult to achieve. Hitting a new low I'm cutting the habit once and for all, since I have plans to execute with my life and don't want to stay apathetic and numb for another year.
  2. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Just to clarify, ID just makes reference to the Hulk arc except I pretend to exert my best and I do no wish to look to the past at all.

    Day 2.

    The soreness on my right arm hasn't subsided completely yet, but it is more manageable today. I still feel my fingers numb at some moments; I really hope to recover tomorrow, otherwise I will need to seek assistance with a traumatologist and I might have to use a splint or something else for a while and I will have to come out with some sort of exercise or accident to justify it. It is almost comical yet pathetic at the same time, but well I guess it had to happen to wake me up at last.

    My mind is active although my body feels tired. At this moment I feel zero motivation to PMO and would actually react with disgust at some sexual stimulus. But I know very well that the urge is going to kick as soon as there's a slight signal of recovery. Anyone knows the best way to prepare in his moments when someone can think straight?

    Coffee needs to be reduced to maybe twice a week status. This cycle of "PMO gets me sleepy, need to function, coffee gets me quite active, need PMO to get relaxed and sleep at night" has to be broken. I'm not planning to cut it entirely because as Anthony de Mello put it out, moderation is fine but ascetism makes you a hater of pleasure and a hater of people. Even in success, wouldn't like to turn into a humorless sanctimonious preacher, and I have seen that happen in real life.
  3. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Day 3:

    Sadly, the pain didn't go away and stayed there during the morning, making difficult to concentrate on the job, so a quick appointment and a visit to the traumatologist revealed inflamed muscle and tendon tissue, and I got a painkiller and a antiinflammatory; all in all, there went about $100, Who says this addiction is free?. Since tendinitis seems to be the product of repetitive efforts, it serves me well and reminds of the Slight Edge: a little more effort to PMO each time, accumulating over time and voilá! Slow but guaranteed hurt arm.

    I'm oficially KO from this for now. I'll rather stay home this weekend given the circunstances, so I'll be investigating a developing a routine for meditation and relaxation that can serve later to clear my mind when the pain subsides and the urge comes back with a vengeance.
  4. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Who would say? On day 4, I happened to be alone in the house during saturday at night and got hard just from thoughts alone. I ended up relapsing with the left. For once, and taking advantage of the solitude, I made a vocal oath to myself not only about stopping PMO but about getting other goals done (moving to aahouse of my own, getting married and fathering a child).

    Depressed cause the pain from the right arm hasn't gone away and the relapse and overall physiology of the PMO addiction probably delays the recovery. I can't type as much as I would like in moments like these when I wish I could record all thoughts that come to mind. I'll go for a walk today, will give me something to do without having to cope with the sea of temptations the internet is.
  5. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    I have always noted how after PMO the eyes seem to "relax" in the sense that more light seems to enter through and of course the eyes becomes lazy and refuse focusing as well. I have a knack for fighting games and whenever I sit there and play after PMO my track record sinks to the floor.

    Anyway, today vision is blurrier which was a pain at work. I had to went outside at 11 PM and took a while to get accustomed to my relatively dark office after getting full sunlight. Really bothersome.

    The prospect of the withdrawal phase scares me a little since coping with it at work is going to be a big task. Anyway, with this symptoms I'm not going to get any better by my usual ways so to feel better in the long run it is going to be necessary to feel worse in the short term.
  6. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    That was stupid: yesterday figured out I could use a small cup of coffee to endure the afternoon and surprise surprise sleep proved elusive until about 1 AM and then today I was struggling to keep through the morning shift. No more coffee this week.

    I could spent this afternoon surfing through the web looking for updates of any site and forum I follow, but let’s force myself to write something a little more elaborate instead of pointless rants on irrelevant topics:

    I live south of my city on one of the outer and cheaper houses of what used to be a middle-high neighborhood about 40-50 years ago. Since then, the north is where the last trendy real state has been built, but these part has kept some quiet and calm air difficult to emulate. Houses are big for today’s standards, reminiscent of old times where they wouldn’t be necessarily associated with the 1% derogatory motif: garage for two or three cars, two or three storeys, bigger ones may have a garden surrounding two sides of the house. Access is and has always been free from everywhere without no gated entrance, which portrays that burglary wasn’t that big a concern for the residents. The kids that were raised on those homes are now adults that moved on to those northern blocks; now, mostly aged parents remain and a lot of them have probably moved to smaller homes considering such houses are way too big for two elderly people to occupy and maintain. The result? An old colony with about 1 our of 5 houses unoccupied which keeps silent and gives the impression of having been frozen in time, where fallen leaves from an abundance of old trees tend to accumulate on the pavement and whose noise can be heard when stepping on them. There’s little traffic from either cars or bystanders so when walking it is entirely possible to be alone and not in the sense of alone in the crowd. This days close to summer solstice are probably the best because even after getting out of work there’s still plenty of light and the sun over the horizon can be seen through the branches and leaves as it projects long shades.

    So the walks I made felt quite well and refreshing. I want to run the next time, but these days anxiety has been escalating: lots of thirst, some sweating and dizziness make me feel too uncomfortable to start jogging right now, but I’m going to put a deadline and start it on Saturday. Right arm has been recovering well, today I can type rather well and it has only tire until late. Let’s pray I don’t succumb to temptation.
  7. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Yesterday I was planning to meet some Friends after work in a reunion that wasn't going to involve alcohol. Suddenly my boss invited me and some coworkers to eat outdoors and have some drinks. Didn't have the courage to say no to the beers, afraid of being looked weird. Although I didn't get drunk to the point of making an ass of myself, I got home, relapsed and got asleep by 9 PM. Resut: woke up with a hangover at 3 AM and couldn't sleep any more.

    I have been overly anxious this week and entered a cycle of worrying about little pains and then entering a vicious cycle of anxiety causing me dizziness, thirst and trouble to sleep and me getting more anxious because of it. Right now I can barely function, and I will probably have to tell my parents I'm having a anxiety crisis. Hate to show up this weakness, but right now I'm drenched in fear.

    Need rigorous discipline to come out of this. No alcohol and coffee but those aren't the hard part as much as stopping PMO. Only until I have officially tried to fight it I have come to realized how much of an addiction it truly is.
  8. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Two bad days this week where I got to experience that stupid anxiety that ruined my happiness two years ago. The body has gone crazy, heartrate increasing especially when I tried to take a nap (of course, couldn't), much less desire to eat and as day progressed my sensitivity to light increases and at the afternoon it even makes me lightheaded. Yesterday my abdomen suddently tightened up at dinner and was nasty, although it faded away by the time I got to sleep.

    Maybe it's the paroxetine withdrawal, although I'm almost a year off it; maybe it has been the escalating anxiety and depressive self complacency I have been sinking into since at least 6 months and probably the PMO thing going worse has a part of it(I still remember on my birthay in January I would stop this PMO thing, instead I had been escalating). I keep going for now, although I'm aware that although this may seem like a moment I couldn't even think about it I would be resorting to the old habit in order to get a moment of pleasure if I didn't know any better. See the counter and say "Shit! Only two days have passed since last time. Why isn't a week at least" but I'm decided to progress.
  9. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    I have endured these last days without relapsing. I got to sleep until 3 AM and my biological clock is set to wake up at 9 AM at best, so I'm a little groggy. I notice that some sort of underlying tension builds up in the morning that eventually transform into a urge to relapse so I can stay "relaxed" for the rest of the day. Of course, this puts me in a numb, mindfogged state where work gets harder and time passes far longer.

    I'm alone at home this day, but I am in some sort of hangover from the anxiety crisis from this last week. It come to me this paradoxical thought of not wanting to PMO but feeling that something is bad with me because I don't want it to. For now, I'm giving it time, I very well know that it will come the moment when the urge assaults me again.
  10. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    The morning at work happened pretty fast, I managed to say occupied and distracted. The afternoon, however, was awful and I almost entered into panic. I stared at the monitor, breathing heavily, begging for the clock to reach the exit time.

    I'm more relaxed right now and a little happy that I'm less lightheaded than yesterday. Anyway, I need to find more things to spend time that doesn't involve staring at a screen. Watching TV, messaging through the cell phone, surfing the internet aimlessly... it's certainly hard to find alternatives, no wonder how then I went to PMO in a ultimate effort to feel some rush going. Habits have to change, life needs direction... it would have been far easier if I were religious, but welp, as Sartre or Rorsarch would have said, in a morally blank and senseless world you are free to carve any design of your own.

    These days I have been overall too anxious and busy with other annoyances to think about PMO, although there's still signs of life down there and probably and agenda of its own. Let's see how this week pans out; for now, the counter does gives encouragement to keep on the right track.
  11. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Really bad days. Couldn't focus at work, sometimes stared at the screen as a zombie, others I just browsed into a wall of text to read and waited for time to pass. Anxiety has been high, and it never comes alone: I got some sore muscles out of tension and lights at night were way too bright. At one moment I wanted to get home ASAP to relax.

    Anxiety is probably another monster of mine to fight, but now PMO isn't going to stand in the way. I'm ready to score a week.
  12. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Ahhh the fantasies. They say men were given enough arteries for both the brain and the dick, but only enough blood to irrigate either of the two at once, so whenever one is functioning sharp the other goes into standby mode. Pretty much what happened in the morning, I was actually working on some stuff at the computer when all of a sudden images of porn and sex come to the mind and the dick is pressing agaisnt the jeans while the mind is almost in a sleep like state. Used to be "normal" back when my PMO frequency wasn't through the roof. It amazes me how deep I have been into PMO that I wasn't having even that kind of issues.

    At least the dizziness-lightheaded has receded a bit, but anxiety still come at bursts and I'm probably having one of those tunnel syndromes (carpal, radial, cubital?) in the right hand because the pain near the elbow came back and although it is not truly painful it is quite persistent. Damn, these things keep on coming...
  13. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    While browsing at the YBOP site I stumbled into the definition of edging. My reaction was obvious: "WTF? So that also has to be avoided at all costs?! Man, that was my backup plan for when things would got rough!". Truth is that way before starting this journal and this serious attempt, a lot of the time I would "test myself" watching some porn and results were predictable: "I'm already hard or horny, worse will be to endure the blue balls.". So no edging too.

    That said, today I had a crisis at work and get at home all riled up, tense and with an almost resolute will to relapse because life is unfair and I'm entitled to get some pleasure out of it. Opened the browser, went to usual sites. Fortunately, could say to myself "if I continue, all this advance will have been in vain". I turned off the laptop and slept some time instead.

    I'm still a little flustered about the day, but no longer rushed to it. Let's see what happens this weekend, I'm expecting to see some old friends.
  14. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Friday night. Had a short family meeting but I'm glad it's already over because I was getting tired and anxiety was starting to kick in.

    Yup, looked at P, not MO or touching at all. A little bit anxious and disoriented, I was in the mindset of "I gotta check there's still life there". It was more of a generic intellectual feeling that a sexual urge; other than me having to "provoke it" I suspect I may be hitting a flatline.

    I got to admit that I've become a pathetic cyberchondriac, googling every little new sensation I get. It is horrible for my nerves and it has gotten out of control. I will discipline myself not to browse anything health related beyond this forum and BYOP; if something weird is coming, I'll rather spend some money on a doctor than my sanity for free.
  15. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Well, to threat this journal with justice I need to keep the mayor events on here and some I had been hidding.

    I went to a psychiatrist that got recommended to me about 10 days ago because that dreaded anxiety of two years ago that got locked on and had crippling effect on my ability to work and function returned again. Prescribed me Xanax for the short term, Prozac for a longer one. I had just started this no PMO thing.

    I guess this Prozac things needs time for its effects to feel (told me it was like three weeks) and I just have a week and a half but right now they aren't pretty. I'm sure tinnitus got slightly louder and it feels when I'm waking up. I have had some headaches these last days. If this keeps going, I'm probably going to tell my psychiatrist to stop it. Xanax has helped to sleep in a moment I desperately need it, but its effects feel like a roller coaster: take the Xanax, I'm calm. 6-7 hours later anxiety is scalating and I'm taking it again wanting for its soothing effect to come ASAP. I must suspend it soon, may be next week because last thing I need is another addiction but I suspect anxiety won't be pretty.

    This weekend I got to see old friends. It was nice to see them alive and well, some of them raising kids already, everyone hanging out some there in the country, struggling with the economy but overall they keep going. I'm happy for them but couldn't avoid a feeling of despair: not because of economic achievement but because of my physical display. Despite my best efforts to keep normality, I know I exposed an image of being innerly broken, sick. It was even unconfortable that most of them have gained some weight due to age and I'm looking quite thin. Love them all (no homo) but can't stand being looked like this, not only because of being looked with pity but because I don't want to infect anyone else with anguish and sadness. Reminds of this movie about Bruce Lee's life, when he has his cervical vertebrae hurt and lied on the hospital bedroom helpless, paraplejic and screams to his wife to not look him like this.

    Some moments of the day I manage to get some infusion of the energy of my early twenties self. When waking out, for once I got the courage to do a full sprint and run, and my lungs were up to the task. But those feelings doesn't last long and I return to a low mood.
    Somewhere in the mind, I feel angry, frustrated, looking at me as Gollum having lost its ring and it being the last thing it had in the world: can't go back, now I know both intelectually and viscerally that it is a foolish attempt to PMO, can't even feel the craving for it, I feel too ill for it. I'm depressed on the full meaning of the word: now, whether I'm depressed because I feel ill or I feel ill because I am depressed is the million dollar question. My vison of the future has reduced to the next weekend, sometimes the next day because in this state I can't imagine myself staying afloat in a span of a year, or five years.
  16. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Today I got some nasty cravings, the greatest temptation to relapse up to this day. I was fatigued from working in the morning and right after eating I got upstairs to my bedroom. Even in these bad days, with some lightheadedness and overall pretty down, suddenly I got the urge, like an infomertial: "feeling tired of your daily work? Extremely exhausted today? All your ailments and worries gone, just grip and pull here (crowd cheers)".

    Luckily I remembered the counter and stopped cold. That said, the afternoon was quite terrible: on the one side, I had this 0,25 mg Xanax pulling my eyelids down, on the other, my mind was hyperactive, wandering in all directions, unable to put the brakes on it, like having a shot of expresso except I have left coffee two weeks ago. It sucked big time, it feels like having my brain attached to a pair of ropes and pulling them on opposite directions.

    After work I took my walk, and I was still rushed: even with a slight headache, it felt as if I could have easily walked for two hours if I wanted to without feeling the tiredness of the feet. That said, fluoxetine seems to worsen my vision and I came out of work with a huge strain in my eyes, forehead and temple and the walk couldn't alleviate it much. Worse than that was one of my worst fears: anhedonia. During that walk I felt as if nothing could have ever gained my interest and meeting a girl were something as alien and distant as trying to reproduce by mitosis. Could feel the dread thought of "what is this, that or everything worth a fuck?". For a moment I wished to have relapsed back there.

    Right now in bed, I'm just tired. Music did the trick to calm me for this day, and I hope to get a good night of sleep.
  17. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    I relapsed. Don't know what to feel about it.

    I felt terribly agitated today, as if I needed to be moving some part of the body at all times, be it a leg, an arm or the torso. The mind was overly active too. I guess this starts to resemble that "akathisia" that is mentioned somewhere else, but in a mild form because from what I read the real thing its the kind of pain that can make someone jump off a bridge. Somewhat desperarte, I recurred to the old trick that used to put me in a relaxed mood and considering I had edged before, the urges were already lurking near.

    I did felt a little better at afternoon, but I suspect it was the Xanax. Damn med, it always comes to the rescue an hour too late. After work got out to walk and took some pictures with an DSLR camera of mine. However, SSRI + fap + a good time working in front of a screen = a hazy vision when trying to see the image on the lens. Fortunately, composition is still possible to get and some of them came out quite good.

    I can't say it has been a cakewalk: in fact, it has been hell on earth as of late. That said, I already made a leap from 2 days or even twice a day in the worst ones to 12 days and I'm still here. I'm coming for a month next.
  18. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Today I tried to skip a Xanax dose in order to kept more awake at the morning.

    Epic failure.

    This anxiety and inner turmoil came back with a vengeance, I started shaking in my seat and couldn't focus or even start opening some programs in order to work. On a break, tried to M in the bathroom out and... O is no more. Was a side effect of paroxetine and now fluoxetine seems to be even worse. The junk started to soften even before I was ready to give up.

    So I end taking 0,25 mg Xanax, feeling utter defeat on the inside, like a internet addict that just went blind. Alprazolam worked, but it's only two weeks and feel attached to it like a junkie.

    This thing about going to a psychiatrist looks so dumb right now. Taking an antidepressants to deal with PMO problems is like amputating the entire arm for a finger problem.
  19. reestablished

    reestablished El Profe

    Yikes! Sorry to hear about the experience. Definitely seems like it could be risky trying to get off a medication like Xanax on your own!
  20. FuturePerfect

    FuturePerfect Member

    Yep, I made a conservative cut from 1,5 to 1,25 mg on it. So far it has worked, but I would really like to switch to something with a longer duration and less potency, because that thing is hard to taper off without feeling withdrawal effects.

    I left Prozac after 2 weeks of 20 mg, wouldn't ever touch that thing again. I'm in a little less need to move constantly but my tinnitus increased from a background noise I had forgotten to a nasty pitch that I can hear in my otherwise quiet bedroom. I used to hate crickets but now I thank god for them because I can focus on their screeching (sorry if that sounds bad, English is not my native language) in order to ignore my tinnitus.

    I'm not eager to find out if ejaculation has been restored in part for fear of disappointment, but that didn't stop the craving. I was laying on my bed yesterday night at about 11:30 PM, which is probably the most dangerous moment of the week for the aspirants to recover off PMO, when all of a sudden images of P came to mind and temptation was getting big. I didn't want to reach for the Tablet because it would either lead to actual P looking or it would help me keep awake in a moment I really wanted to sleep, so I stayed rolling several times in my bed on the darkness until the urges were gone. Another day to the counter.

    i'm not alright but I keep going. This next two weeks are probably going to be critical since I'm on the fence about whether to quit my job or not. I want to leave it, but I'm not alright enough to do well in job interviews right now. If only I could tell the moment I could be 100 % well to plan accordingly...

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