Future self will be proud I chose to fight for him

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by doanl, Jul 15, 2019.

  1. doanl

    doanl Member

    I chose to start a new journal.
    The old one ended up being just a container for depression, and while I would not expect less from a daily retrospective of my life, I think a journal is meant to be more, to follow the progress of something.
    This something is my mental and physical recovery from fifteen years of heavy pornography usage.

    Despite the presence of some rant about the low quality of my life here and there, what I'm actually trying to track is my progress while I follow the workshop lessons at RecoveryNation, a resourceful website I recently heard of in this great post. (here is the working link to the #3 top mistakes, the one in the post is broken)

    My background is short and uninteresting: I'm 27, I'm addicted to porn and I have PIED.

    None of these posts will be easy to write. What is going to follow is one of the most difficult challenge I endured in my entire life, if not THE most difficult one.

    Let's fucking go!
     
  2. doanl

    doanl Member

    Lesson #1: Laying the foundation for permanent change

    The main inspiration I got from the lesson can be found in the distinction between passive and active recovery. It can be summed up as not doing what damage you versus improving the love for yourself towards a phase in which damaging youself will be automatically inaccettable. It has been very important, being enlighted by this difference. It's not an easy one to understand, especially on the beginning of such a challenge, and I can see why would the first lesson be about such a topic. I'm not going to cut off this behaviour because I feel like to. I'm going to do it because I want it eradicated from my life, I want to be able to express the person I am at my full potential in the society I live in, I want to experience people and I want them to experience ME, not a broken shell incapable of communicating its desires and thoughts and fears and insecurities and feelings to another human being.

    A.1)
    I can feel the desire to commit. I know I want to change. Still, the fear of the pain that I will endure during the recovery is very real. Because if you have to commit 100% on it, once you started there is no coming back. Not that I particularly enjoy this "place" I'm in. But I feel safe, even if I know it is a fake safety.
    Why would I not be happy in being able to reduce my porn sessions from multiple a day to once every week? It's still a good result.
    Why can't I just start to improve my life without leaving all of this behind?
    Because that's a fucking lie, that's why. We are hooked on the product of an industry which sink its roots in selling lies to people. An industry which destroys people's mind and body as much as drugs do. And I'm not fucking okay in having my precious mind and my gorgeous body stolen by lies.

    I need both of them, and I want them to be available to each other at their maximum potential to pursue and overcome everything.

    A.2)
    I am basically an irresponsible person. I still don't recognize how much guilt and shame do I feel about my behaviour. But if they will eventually knock at my door, I will let them in. I will listen to what they are trying to say, and analyze if there is any good in their words. And gently put them back at the door once their permanence is no longer due. I don't plan to let anything interfere with my future growth, myself included.

    If a part of me won't let me achieve my goals, than it means that such a part does not share them, and it will be deleted amongst all other impendences.

    A.3)
    I indulged in this behaviour for fifteen years. Whatever time the recovery will take, I'm fine with it.

    B)
    1) I want back the confidence of thinking of a sexual intercourse as a pleasant and ecstatic intimacy moment between two lovers.
    2) I want back the ability to be a participant in such a sexual intercourse. I want back my dick. I really really miss my dick.
    3) I want to be able to socialize more.
    4) I want to spend my time expressing my energy through positive activities.
    5) I want to be able to look for a woman I love not only for her appearance or wealth.
    6) I want to be able to face negative emotions and learn from them.
    7) I want to be a loving father.
    8) I want to be able to overcome my fears by facing them.
    9) I want to be able to look anyone right into the eyes with the awareness of not having anything to hide.
    10) I want to become a more balanced person.
    11) I want to discover more about life.
    12) I want to improve my capability in discerning what is actually good for me from what just feels good.

    C) I will be able to do the photo exercise in some weeks. But the thought alone of doing it has changed a lot in my mind.

    ---

    I finally found a book about meditation which I may enjoy reading. I also picked up a very short theatrical script, I never read one before.
    My university gives ten free psycological sessions, and I think that in September I will start them. Even if I think to be self-aware of what most of my problems come from, there might be need of actual help in order to overcome them.
    Motorcycle driving license costs too much, fuck that. I will think at it again when I will be actually able of buying a motorcycle.
    I removed the counter from my signature, I realized it was only making me feeling anxious.

    No space here for negativity I can avoid. I need to expand this concept to eveything in my life.
     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2019
    NewHorizon likes this.
  3. doanl

    doanl Member

    Lesson #2: Establishing a Healthy Vision for Your Life

    The main topic of this lesson is establishing what values I want my (new) life to be built upon. The main exercise is to write a vision to drive my actions and thoughts towards an healthy lifestyle.
    Like, I know I want to be happy. I want to be healthy and fit. Uuh, I want to have a job. Ehrr, I want to...

    The following quote has been constantly stuck in my head for the past ten days.
    And that's the point.
    I'm not wasting my life because of compulsive masturbation. I'm wasting it because I don't know what to do with it. I spent most of the time from my last post trying to recognize what it is that I want to do with my days on the earth. At first it was like opening a Pandora's box. The only things I could think about were suffering events that I do not want to appear again in my life. But nothing remotely close to something I want to be in my future.

    It was extremely painful, and frustrating, to realize that I could not achieve any progress. Still, it was a starting point. I knew what problem to tackle next.

    ---

    I want to be a husband, and a father. I want to have a family to love with a woman who can trust me and my strength, both mental and physical. I want to grow my children to be the best human being they possibly could. I want to be able to sustain my family with a job that make me happy. I want to have friends which can enjoy me, and I want to enjoy them. I want to be looked as a positive person because I'm like that, and not because I hide the sides of my personality I'm afraid people won't enjoy.

    ---

    And that's it. I'm afraid all these goals are not the practical ones the lesson is preaching me for. Still, this are the purest desires of a lifetime that I always had in my mind and in my hearth since I was able to rationalize stuff.
     

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