Full Disclosure

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by my_renaissance, Sep 10, 2012.

  1. my_renaissance

    my_renaissance New Member

    First of all i would like to thank all of you on this site for being so open about your problems and experiences, it really helps to know that i am not the only one with these issues.
    I have just discovered that there is a community that focuses on stopping PMO addiction, if i known i would have joined long time ago to deal with my PMO problems (that are pretty severe).

    I apologize in advance to everyone because this is going to be a long and detailed story.

    But i believe that being open and withholding nothing is the key to success not only for me but for all of us, that try to break free from this slavery.
    This wont be easy for me, i have always been lying and hiding this addiction for everyone i know, denying and condemning people that PMO, when i have been the heaviest user the whole time.
    I have recently quit my video game and tv addiction (it was really hard but this will be worse) and decided that i want to be a good person that can give something back to family friends an society.

    Now it is time to stop all that lying, fear and insecurity and face this mutiny that has taken over my brain for more than 13 years....


    Now introducing myself:

    I am a 24 year old male, 5"8 tall weighing in at 150 pounds (for those who use the metric system= 173 cm, 69 kg)
    I am born in Sweden but my ethnicity is not swedish, you could say i am european (i am a mix of so many different nationalities so i do not really know myself)

    Well my life has not always been hell, i was born in Sweden the first son to a family full of happiness and security. You could say i had a healthy childhood with lots of love and attention, i was not spoiled if i did something wrong my parents gave me correction.
    I started getting very curious about sex and my genitals when i was around 6-7 years, i think it was because my older cousins where in the age one normally starts getting curious about sex or they had seen it somewhere else and where now passing it on to me.
    So we started playing with ourselves but really not knowing what we where doing, it was not a sexual thing this was curiosity, later our parents found out what we where doing (there was no secrecy) and told us to stop.
    We did for a while, but resumed again but this time with more secrecy and enthusiasm and it continued for some time.

    Then i had a lucky break! My family moved to south america and while i was there i forgot all about that stuff. I was happy there and excelled at school being one of the best students even though i had to speak spanish first.
    My mother still has my homework saved from when i was in south america and my handwriting then is 10 times better than it is now.

    Well eventually we moved back to Sweden, and i reunited with my cousins and old friends (i was now 10 years old i had been abroad for 3 years)
    At school i was ahead the class in math and at an even level with the other subjects excluding swedish and english.

    But then the problem started for real...

    Myself and my 1 year older cousin started to become really good friends and it was fun, but we also started to talk about girls and women and about his oldest brother that had something he was very secretive about.
    We did not understand but we where curious.

    I remember the first time i MOed (I was 11 or 12)i was sick home all by myself, and started touching myself then something happend hat felt really weird and i wanted to do it more.

    It was at that time i started my lifelong depression and brainfog, my parent wondered what it could be i used to be such a smart, curious and happy boy, always building things woodwork, electronics, bows and arrows. Full of ideas and outgoing. and now i had become the total opposite.

    I told my cousin and he confessed that he too was masturbating, we started to go around in the woods looking for porn magasines (There where a lot of them in the weirdest places, far away internet porn was around but not HIGH speed)
    we tried to steel porn movies in stores, from my cousins older brothers.
    We collected all we could.¨
    And all the time i was MOing 1 or 2 a day.

    I started to get depressed and boring, i found no interest in anything i did not want to hang out with my friends. I only wanted to be alone so i could PMO.
    I made up excuses that i want to go home to my cousin and play video games or something, but we would only do that so night would come and everyone would go to bed so we could sneak out and Download porn and watch it.
    It even came to the length that we would MO each other even though we both liked women.

    This continued until we got 15 or something when it became weird to PMO together.
    At my home we got our first high speed internet connection at that time and i started to make up excuses so i could be home alone PMOing endlessly.

    I became obsessed with the ideals of the porn world and wanted to have a large penis and a ripped body, i started working out everyday and loking at porn almost daily i did MO a lot everyday. I thought the more i MOed the larger my penis would get.

    I was a really depressed 16 year old with no motivation but it looked like i was fine thanks to my good physique. Anyway i knew i had to stop so i started to cut down and things started too look good.
    But then relapsed again and again, i started to hate myself even more, i had no control. There could be a period of light that was destroyed by a binging of PMO, skipping school for PMO or being "sick".(PMOing 6-7 times a day for 2 months)
    I seriously considered castrating myself, i tried electrocuting my genital, tried vinegar, chilly, anything that hurt or numbed. I wanted to regain control, this was not me!
    But nothing worked, i relapses and was there again PMOing several times a day. I cut myself on the torso thinking i would somehow scare myself straight but it only worked for some months.

    I survived in high school thanks to some periods of non Porn, but masturbation has always been present since year 11. The first year i surpassed all the other students with ease, even some of the teachers and that was thanks to my efforts of staying away from porn.
    The second and third years i went from being The top student to the one that skips 40 % of all the classes. And there was only one reason i skipped school you can probably guess by now.... PMO

    All my high school years where marked by social anxiety and weirdness. And relapse after relapse.. endlessly relapsing..
    Finally i just gave up and accepted that this was me now forever.
    The day o my graduation all the students where going out to party and have a good time, i just couldn't wait to get home and PMO knowing my parents would be out, i said i felt sick and went home and PMOed myself to exhaustion.

    I managed to get grades high enough to be accepted to a university (i dont know how but i guess that i am quite intelligent when i am not PMOing myself to death)

    I moved to another city, and it started out pretty good the first week, but then i started PMOing every day.

    #After a month of living in another city this was my life:
    I was again longing for the porn ideals, but this time i just care to get larger penis.
    I would come home from university and look at porn and ejaculate 7 to 8 times a day. I did not eat, sleep or mind my own personal hygiene until i collapsed, i would miss the next day. To continue this cycle, when I was "recharging" after i just had ejaculated i watched a tv/serie or played some FPS then the moment i felt the urge come back i would turn of the tv/serie or game in something similar to a panic and start PMOing again. If i felt that my kidney where hurting i would literally run to the toilet and urinate the fastest i could and run back at full speed, sometimes i could do it so fast that i did not properly empty and there wold be a urin spill, but i did not care i just wanted my fix my PMO.

    And i did not care where my semen fell, it could be in my underwear on the flor on my socks on my blanket (disgusting)
    It could sometimes go 2 days and i would not eat anything just watch series in the recovery time of my obsessive PMOing, then i would eat anything, once i ate a plate of food i had left out on the table but not eaten because i was to eager to PMO.

    My studies went to hell.. everything did, but i did not care. I just wanted my fix and bigger penis.

    The months passed and it became worse i bought a sextoy, and it took me to a new level. I felt i was losing my grip on reality and i think i started to go a little crazy, i started to talk to myself and see signs in common occurrences and i didn't now if this really was reality or if i could die here and wake up somwhere else.
    I only felt that i was thinking clear 2-3 minutes after i got my PMO fix but after that i was in the brain fog.
    I became tired that i could not control my life and tried to commit suicide 2 times, first i tried to drown myself in a nearby lake but i saw a "sign" there was some graffiti that made sense to my foggy brain and i did not fill my clothes with stones and jump in. THe second time i walked out on a trafficked road but the drivers where alert and where able to steer away.

    I felt no fear or emotion.

    I wanted to be alive again.

    I told my parents that i was addicted to internet and that i screwed up my life (did not tell about PMO) so i begged them to take my computer. and they did, i was now studying nonstop again and doing well.

    The i started to long after PMO, the longing became so great that i dropped out of the university and moved home and began PMOing (i now have a huge debt i currently am paying back ).

    After 1 month or so i stopped and met my current wife, i was so happy and i did no PMO for a while then it started again, i did not want to be inexperienced in sex or have a non porn penis i started again. I did have some ED problems the first time we had sex but i started to think on porn and it made me hard (i have always had a very strong libido)
    but i could not ejaculate untill the 6th or 7th time we had sex.
    I did however get my "porn penis" i dont know if it had to do with my vigourous PMOing or my genetics but reaching my goal was not an end to PMOing.

    I could not stop my addiction, i felt bad toward my wife that i was PMOing, it felt like cheating but it was imposible to stop. And then i did not care anymore.
    I did however start to get a worsening of my symptoms, like lack of energy, cloudy eyes, brain fog, irritbility, inability to concentrate, gained weight about 48 pounds.

    So i started exercising and drinking coffee and ingesting all types off caffeine.
    I managed to loose 45 pounds and I felt better, but still strange my doctor sent me to a psychologist because she could not find anything wrong with my vitals.

    The first thing that made me stop was that my wife found my pornsites i had forgotten to close, i said i would accept help and change, I did for about 2 months! It was the best time in my life even though i did not give up masturbation Ideas and i was extremely successful at work and with everything i tried .
    I was diagnosed with adhd and depression (but now i think my only problem has been PMO, i will talk to the psychologist)
    and was given Concerta, it helped me a LOT with the rest of my life.
    But masturbation led me to non nude sites of glamour models, and then to youtubes booty videos and then to sites with nude dancing and ultimately to porn.

    I had relapsed again, this relapse was pretty bad, PMO every day for 8-10 hours for 1 month.

    Now i am here..
    The last time i PMOed was saturday, so i am on day 2 (88 days to go), but this time i have help, my wife agreed to cease all sexuall activity for at least 90 days until i am cured, it may sound a bit drastic but for me personally it is a must.
    It is all or nothing now.
    Then i have the support of this forum and the encouraging stories and good tips.
    I am confident i will succeed this time.

    I thank God i have found this site I WILL CHANGE and i will try my best to help others here too, we all can be soo much more. This is not what we are, we are not just a penis with a brain and a body attached to it. WE are MEN with rational brains and brilliant ideas. We can create so much! just look at the world all the technological accomplishments, all the works of art, all the music, all athletic achievements the list can be made long.

    I refuse to be ruled by my sexual desires and my addictions I want to rule over them. I want to be captain of my ship.

    THIS mutiny is OVER!!!

    Thanks for reading :)
  2. Einstein

    Einstein Guest

    Oh man, your story is really intense.

    It's very tragic that this filth has ruined your life for so long and I hope you will find support from your wife and this board.
    Remember the good times, remember what you are capable of without PMO.
    Keep it up, you can do it !

    Cheers !
  3. my_renaissance

    my_renaissance New Member

    Day 4

    Feeling tired and slow.. feels like the brain fog has doubled

    Must be my brain craving PMO or something.

    Thx Einstein! i try to remember all the time.
  4. Dangerous Dave

    Dangerous Dave I don't need a weapon; I am a weapon.

    Listen to what you posted. That is awesome. Your mind is already starting to clear up. I suggest you reread it whenever you feel the urge to relapse or you just feel depressed, anxious, or tired.
  5. my_renaissance

    my_renaissance New Member

    ONE week totally pmo free

    i did not believe i would come this far.

    it feels really good, the brain fog yas cleared with about 60% and it feel liberating.
    I am working effectuvely at my job.
    I feel more social and able to joke, i do not feel the social limitation so much althogh it is a long way from being perfect. but i do feel a positive difference.
  6. my_renaissance

    my_renaissance New Member

    sorry i have been missing from this board for some days, i am still commited to earnmy blue star it had not been easy these last days but i will try to take one day at the time.
    I will make a resume of my days since the last post:

    Day 8:
    Starting to feel the benefits of noPMO, thinking faster, the brain fog i have known for most of my life is clearing up.
    this day feels easy urges very low, probably the low number of triggers.

    Day 9:
    Still thinking fast, i am feeling better for example:
    1- i am more talkative.
    2- more helpfull.
    3- i notice details in social situations that i usually notice after they are relevant.
    urges are somewhat low, i had some triggers today but still manage to suppress them.

    Day 10:
    I am feeling great, i am able to plan my future before i would not even consider my future, maybe it sounds strange but i dont feel completely useless, i feel like i can give something back not just drain everyone of their energy (including myself)
    anyway this day has been really good. I have accomplished a great deal of work and still have energy to spare, not normal for me.
    I have started to eat healthy and taking care of me and my family.

    today there was a much porn and sex talk at work, tried to steer the group to another subject, did not work.
    urges are growing. I had to ask my wife to keep her gossip magazines out of sight she almost laughed, but i am really sensitive to triggers right now.

    Day 11:
    I am feeling really good, i can quickly process information and find logical faults, i can solve equations that normally require paper and pen for me in the HEAD.
    All has not been positive though, many ttiggers at work (porn and sex talk among my friends) triggers at the buss (beautifull women) triggers from advertisement.
    The urges seem imposible to resist, i am constantly getting flashbacks from my PMO time thinking everything will be allright if i start again or that i can take a little peek.
    I had trouble getting to sleep constantly thinking about PMO.

    Day 12:
    I have slept in short irregular intervals, dreaming intense dreams about sex and pmo waking up and feeling i am just about to cum, knowing that if i just masturbated 30 seconds i would orgasm and be able to sleep but i did not give in.
    This has been one of the worst nights in years, waking up after an vivid and intense dream seconds from climaxing several times during the night.
    I feel really tired and airheaded today, hope i can make it tomorrow to.
    Guess my brain really wants the PMO fix.

    thx for reading

    sorry for any spelling errors.
  7. my_renaissance

    my_renaissance New Member

    well evetything it s going ok, i have been free from porn and masturbation 16 days, i did have sex 3 days ago so it was probably a bit to soon.
    I will reset my timer, and commit to a full reboot

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