From this day going forward, i will no longer watch porn (26)

Set a goal! Chase it and achieve it, set a another goal and chase it and achieve it.
You should write down why you are setting a certain goal, what will be the benefits of achieving it and what will be if you relapse and never get rid of addiction and things like that.

You should have a concrete REASON behind your goal. Otherwise, a bad day, one pmo to another and then binging!

 

it's been awhile since i've posted a journal entry. i'm on a vacation with friends right now, and i have some time to write down some thoughts. so here we go. long story short about the last 60 days: i had an alright streak going of 45 days, but tbh i wasn't being strict enough. i was m'ing like normal in the first few weeks, just no p. but it proved to be a recipe for escalation later on. now i'm on a 14 day completely clean streak. i hardly ever think about sex, but somethings different now. i used to get scared that i was asexual, but after reading the easy peasy method, i realised that it isn't necessary or required to be horny everyday in order to be healthy. for the first time i truly see that P serves no purpose for me anymore, except to hold me back. the counter isn't reeally necessary anymore for that reason. i'm just not going to watch p anymore, i don't need it and it's a net negative on my life. but i'll keep the counter for now, i want to see if i experience changes in mood after x amount of days (probably not but i want to see.)

i would say i'm doing fine now. the vacation i'm on is okay, but a bit boring. the friends i'm with are perfectly agreeable, but a bit lame in some ways. they aren't very daring, and are usually naysayers. it's a bit hard to convey the entire history through text. but as an example of today: when walking through the new city, one girl was in charge of directions. but it was mostly just alot of blabbering and looking on her phone and panicking instead of giving directions. i walk one way because i think a museum is there, they yell at me to come back. then 5 minutes later it turns out we do have to go that way. in the museum, my friend asks me to go because ''we want to leave now'' even though i haven't seen most of the museum yet. but when we come downstairs, his girlfriend wants to drink coffee and all of a sudden we can totally wait for that. dumb shit like that. i'm with three girls and two guys, that i hanged with frequently during studying. one mate is here with his recent girlfriend, and since he got with her 6 months ago he has been distant. don't want to sound unreasonable, but it seems like we (the other guy and me) are only an afterthought now, where we used to be ''the three musketeers'' so to say. it's a bit disappointing at times. he was never very lucky with the girls, but now that he has snagged one, he doesn't need us anymore. that's how it feels.

rant over. anywho, i have some dating news myself. a housemate of a friend come to my birthday unexpectedly. i kinda liked her so i asked her out, and it turns out she was waiting for that because a week later we went on a date and we made out for like 2 hours. it was pretty nice. we're both not completely sure about our feelings, but i do like her and we planned a second date. she is the first of her family to go to college, which i find cool, and she's reasonably pretty and funny. we'll see where it goes from here.

i am enjoying this summer and the good weather, but i am lowkey sad about how shit my last semester was. i really went through all the motions of going to campus yadayada, but it's like my mind was locked. i couldn't muster the creativity to finish the term papers. it sucks but i can't do anything about it now. what weighed on me was the uncertainty of what i was going for, what future i was aiming at. i still don't really know but i must finish this study. otherwise it would be too much money and time wasted. even if i don't want an office job i must finish this study, because it can show a baseline of what i'm capable of. i've applied at two jobs, archeology and IT, the IT one being the most plausible right now. also i'm going to follow a course for welding (TIG).

 

A cathartic moment on this random monday evening. Let me explain.
I turned on the radio while driving, but decided to switch to the classical channel which I don't do often. After a minute or so the anouncer mentions something about tango and this starts playing:

I had no idea I was into tango . It moved me to tears. Because it was warm I had no other choice than to think back to sweet memories of a holiday in France. I looked on from above, seeing myself strolling next to a girl through a seemingly abandoned French mountain town. Even though it was the middle of the night, it was still warm. I held her hand for the first time and we walked up the mountain, over a road into absolute pitch black darkness. Not worried about a thing.

Human experience can have so many layers. Feelings can be the worst and best thing to ever happen to you, simultaneously. What a great shame it is to be fooled into looking at life in only one, rational way. Only numbers and graphs. Statistics. Predictions. To stuff away your ''irrational'' feelings inside.
I see it around me all the time. People who are stressed, anxious they are not doing ''enough''. They self medicate to stop their thoughts. Alcohol, TV, Porn. If only they dared to let go for a while and truly experience. Calmth.

 

I noticed how pleasant it is to read back my journal. Situations get a totally different context when you read them a while later. Like the post from my vacation, i glanced at it and only had fond memories. it brought me back to the location, feeling curious while walking there, and laughing with dorky friends about something stupid, while in the post itself i was actually complaining a little.

 

It's been awhile. figured it might be nice to make a little writing excercise out of this update. since ive been writing alot in the past month for my education, it helps to do a little mental stretch every now and then in the form of writing without expectations. im not editing anything here, if anyones reading this and gets lost, dont worry it was intentional.

i hope everyone on this forum is feeling well on this first day of 2023. I don't come here often but i enjoy seeing people refelct on their own lives. it brings growth.
i've been well. don't focus on my counter, it isnt up to date anymore. i've moved on from doing streaks because i realised the mindset wasn''t helping me. also i dont consider my sexual life problematic anymore. i dont have ED or anything, and i feel healthy. the reason i started doing nofap and all that other stuff was because i wasnt very successfull with getting girls. i started blaming my habit of watching porn. while watching porn certainly doesnt help, blaming it all on porn obscured some other things for me that were the reason for me not being a don juan. a few examples are , i dont have a very high status in society, i have a soft voice, i may not always appear very confident, not a dominant personality. i realised that most girls are into these types. (not all though.) i'm just not like that. this sounds kind of negative, but i've actually become okay with it. i used to really stress over this, but things have calmed down now. i realised i'm my own person and i dont need to apologize for that or feel sorry for myself. being me has its upsides and downsides, just like being anyone else. overall, i just feel very chill.
i dont really even feel any desire to watch porn anymore. yes, sometimes i will see some sexy pics on dating apps and even masturbate, but its not anywhere near any problematic level. its just kind of a collateral damage of using dating apps. i have some success here and there on the apps, so i dont see it as problematic.

i realise that it may make me sound kind of like a hypocrite, because ive advocated here for the easypeasymethod and im definitely a supporter of the ybop logic. i guess in the purest sense the ''ideal'' case or result of that logic would be someone that doesnt ever engage into any digitally aroused pmo. but you'll just have to trust me if i say that i truly dont consider myself a problem case anymore. if anything, it would be truly worrying if i didnt engage in any sexual act ever anymore.

actually, there have been periods where i felt broken. in the beginning of this journey, about 5 years ago, i stopped pmo ing altogether and flatlined for weeks. it got to a point where it made me panic, like did i lose my sexuality? i even went to the doctor for a t level check (on the low end of the normal scale, but nothing truly alarming. i think i got like 13 (?) i forgot the units.)

but it always came back. i dont worry about that anymore. i know i can perform sexually. thats not the problem. what does still worry me sometimes, is if i'm doing ''enough'' to meet a future partner. i mean, i know now that most girls have the hots for a personality that is pretty much the opposite of me. that can sting a little, and it has also festered for a long time as an insecurity. but i feel that i'm healing. i think that i can come out of this as a new, stronger man. as a part of that i want to widen my horizon, try new things, volunteer maybe, get a job (yes that should probably be the first one) and just regularly step out of my comfort zone. this is really the reason that i said earlier that it probably wasnt helpful to focus on this porn thing for too long. life has many things to do and only so little time, i can do much more then only focus on that little counter everyday.

i wish you all the best and lots of strength in 2023. just because i like the phrase so much: we're all gonna make it.

 

i had strange very violent fantasies yesterday morning

 

Thanks for the well-wishes in your previous post. I hope you have a great year of growth.

 

Thanks, Rudolf.

[journal entry]
my stance towards porn is simply this: i'd rather not. yes, it does give pleasure, but it's a cheap thrill. you don't have to develop as a person to use porn. it is not a profound experience. sometimes, rarely now, i still give in. but this is always concluded by me thinking ''it would be nicer to do this with a real woman.''

here comes the part that might be controversial here. in my view, most of you guys are overdoing it. I see many of you here blaming yourself, your willpower, and even punishing yourself for watching porn. the paradoxical thing is, though, that the more you hate porn, the more power it will have over you. if you build the viewing of porn up in your head like it's the ''ultimate sin'' (which is even more loaded of a term if you're christian, i'm not), it's going to feel even more ''wrong'' when you're doing it. and that actually adds to how exciting it feels. see how you're setting yourself up for failure here?
this is why christian virtues that tend to view sexual behavior as sinful can actually work against you.

hope this helps.

 

As a Christian who has battled with this thing off and on for over 20 years, I can agree with some of the sentiment in your post. But, porn use is not the ultimate sin. I would say the ultimate sin according to the Bible is rejection of Christ, God's provision for our salvation. The problems with P though, are many. P is just not good for human flourishing. It cheapens the sexual act, an act which should remain a beautiful thing, made to be the glue in a long-term relationship with another real human being. Your privates have a purpose and every time you use 'em for something else they are devalued (law of diminishing returns, sensitisation to worse and worse materials etc). It's not a good productive use of time. It supports an industry and side industries that are ruining people's lives. I could go on.

Maybe there are guys out there who can be "casual users". I'm not convinced, though. I can't be a casual user. Either it consumes my mind for large portions of my life, with smut, where I don't want to live, or I need to be free of it. I have experienced longer streaks where I'm free of it and that is superior in every way. It's never "just one peek". That peek takes me back down the water slide, dopamine loops, neural pathways etc and before long it's wall-to-wall awfulness. So for me it's all-or-nothing.

I agree that wallowing in guilt, punishing yourself etc for viewing P is not helpful. And again the Christian worldview helps here because it tells me that ALL my sin is atoned for by Christ, all guilt is removed, for sin, past present and future. Rather I am so grateful to God for his help to save me quite apart from any efforts of my own, and I agree with God that sin is not good for me to flourish as a human being. If I think about all the hours I've thrown into smut over the years, if I put those into improving my situation, my family's situation... I probably wouldn't be in the financial troubles I'm in at the moment. That's just one example of how I agree P has NOTHING good to give me.

So here I agree with what you said: If you trump up the "sinfulness" of P, without a focus on the core message of Christianity - what Christ has done on our behalf to rid us of all "sinfulness" - that is not a helpful headspace to be in.

Where I'm at in life now is that P offers me no excitement. The feeling, or craving, when I have relapsed lately is about escape, not excitement (and escape through P is a lie because it doesn't bring true escape, just distraction while my problems actually get worse through avoidance). When I go there I am far from excited. I feel down as I click onto an image, and I feel worse after. Cutting out P completely is therefore a no-brainer for me, but it has taken years of cutting through my own bs and getting more serious about reprogramming my old self-learned behaviour.

Not that I have it all figured out. That's why I think it's helpful for us to share thoughts and ideas here even if we think they're somewhat controversial. It keeps the conversation going and helps us to sort through all the muck and hopefully find nuggets of truth we can take to the bank. So thank you for posting, and all the best to you again Mr @Kuhn

P.s. sorry for the longish post.

 

Thanks for sharing, Rudolf. Your attitude overall seems like a healthy one.

 

okay it feels kind of dumb, but i should own up to this mistake. i just rewatched the ybop video and i realised why i came here in the first place: i showed all the symptoms of porn addiction except ED. now, because i don't have ED, and the issue kind of slipped to the back of my mind, i thought in this post above here that sometimes watching porn wasn't as bad. hey, looking at a sexual video raises testosterone, how can that be bad right?
well, i was wrong. it's like clockwork: i watched porn about 3 days ago, and i feel:
lacklustre
not interested in dating
a bit depressed
& concentration problems

the point here is: i was sensitised to porn, and going back to my drug of choice does not help me in the slightest. in fact, it actively works against me. after people complete alchoholics anonymous they also abstain completely, and they don't do so lightly. porn is my alcohol. it is what it is. apparently I need to remind myself more often.

i have now set up a reminder to watch the ybop video () once every three months.

 

feeling allright today. have a deadline tomorrow and it's getting to be kind of a squeeze to be finished in time. no puns intended. little bit stressed, writer's block, the usual. this video helped:


love dr k, his insights have truly given me new perspectives on life.
to create, you kind of have to let loose. writing is a perfect example. you can't write and edit at the same time. i realized this only recently.
it's all progress.

goodevening

 

not much to announce concerning the porn free journey, but i just wanted to free write a little. need to get into that headspace. just watched a soft white underbelly video. it's a youtube channel that lets addicts tell their story. this guy, patrick, tells about his crack addiction. pretty crazy story. with crack you're alot worse off, but i recognized in him how unavoidable it sometimes felt. there's this slight aching boredom that builds up for a time , and which needs release. you can feel it coming. he has been in and out of rehab 20 times. but the pull of crack is just too strong. he talks about wanting to be loved alot, because he doesn't love himself. i can also relate to that a bit. i do feel that part got better over the years though.
at some part in the story it came up that most people never really change, and i think that is true. true change requires a different mindset, a different person really , and it's really difficult and painful to change that by yourself. so it's rare, but not impossible i would say. some shrooms or a therapist could help. i still really want to go on a guided lsd/shroom trip sometime.

anyway, that's all i could think of for now to write. also have a deadline today so need to do that. here's the video. apperently he has been clean for 9 months now (there's an update on the channel)

 

went for an early morning walk. i noticed that i often wake up with negative thoughts. according to dr k, it's better to notice your thoughts and sit with them a little (or walk) and it's true, it does work. the goal isn't to drive out the negative thoughts with forced positive one (that just brings stress) but to see the thoughts pop up and think about why i'm thinking them. without judgment. it is kind of a practice in opening up a third mental state (sounds a bit much when i say it like this) besides the physical and the normal thinking. for example, when doing anything in the physical world like talking to someone, excercising or you name it, my mind is occupied. when doing nothing physical but just thinking thoughts that pop up it's the 'normal' mental state. when i notice thoughts without judgment that's a third mental state, i guess put more simply it's meditation. it's often overlooked that there are many 'modes' of meditation. you don't have to sit in a yoga pose for 3 hours to meditate. like taking a walk and reflecting on active thoughts is already meditative. it depends on what your goal is with the meditation. if you want to calm yourself down you'd do one with breathing excercises. those do feel nice, i'm already quite calm myself though, so i think these walks do more for me.

 

in a way i'm now following your advice. i'm still on the cusp of finishing my history degree (nothing worth doing is easy), but for one evening per week i now took up a welding course. i'm having a blast, i enjoy making things. always thought it was cool when my dad welded things in the past, now i'm doing it myself. my plan is to do it part time in the future, with a desk job as ''regular'' job. will have to work that idea out more.