From this day going forward, i will no longer watch porn (26)

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Kuhn, May 15, 2022.

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  1. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    yes, in my experience the more intense emotions are a big part of a reboot. wouldn't you say, though, that they also feel purifying in a way? as if you're vividly realizing that you're actually THERE. if you'll forgive the new age sounding language. yes I was angry at myself and the world a couple days ago, but I learned not to stay in that anger because that doesn't serve you. i recognized the reason, and the temporary character of the emotion, and now i can look back at it more calmly. My arguments back then were valid, but I'm going to finish this degree because i know i would regret it it forever if i quit so close to the finishing line. also I have found a renewed confidence in myself by tackling (and thus recognizing) my very real issues by joining this forum, and avoiding easy dopamine. I just know that this is the way, those habits don't serve me anymore. it's time to move on.
    Also i've found that a good ''stick behind the door'' (dutch proverb) is that besides the forum, i'm now actually talking to mental health professionals weekly. they know all the potholes of an addiction and can keep you fresh and focused.
     
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  2. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    A major light just went on while reading ''dopamine nation''. even though my latest forum posts probably already imply that i knew this, my conscious mind just kind of forgot about it. i just have an addicts' brain. my drugs of choice are reddit, P, video games and netflix. in that order. while using, i was setting myself up for failure when studying. i'm getting such a dopamine kick from them that i can't stop wanting more, and can't feel pleasure from doing anything else. now i know for certain that i'm on the right path. except for video games from time to time, i'm not going to use these things again. while i can recognize that they were fun, they were so much fun for my brain that they made me use up to the point of uselessness and straight up depression. that isn't what i want ultimately.
    what hasn't helped me along the way was that others, and myself were placid about these addictions. everyone else could use them responsibly, so why couldn't i? makes sense right? well the answer is that their brain doesn't work like mine does. they don't have an addicts brain. when i reddit for 8 hours a day, unable to even avert my gaze from the screen to feed myself, they don't see that. they don't understand. but now i see.
    it's time to cut it out.
     
  3. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

  4. Henry+

    Henry+ New Member

    Great attitude!
    I was going to suggest exactly that.
    You can do it and it’ll pay off at some point. Do your best and apply the day-by-day approach to the degree too, after some planning towards micro-tasking the whole thing.
    March on.
     
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  5. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    Thanks for the encouragement Henry, that means more than you might think.
     
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  6. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    I dreamt about PMO this morning. i woke up in shock, thinking that I f'ed up my streak lol. nope still clean. that was a relief. There is definitely the looming sense of 'missing out' now. also the flatline is in full swing. I basically have 0 thoughts about girls or sex now. the urge to M has also dissipated, the last time is over a week ago. it's kind of like a deafening silence, nothing is happening which feels disconcerting. it isn't overwhelming, but seeds of doubt are beginning to sprout over what i'm doing. ''reboots aren't proven scientifically'' ''so and so watch P and they're fine'', ''what if i never feel sexual attraction again''. it's funny how predictable it is. earlier in this thread i already saw it coming. when reasoning against yourself about this kind of thing, you need to stick to the basics, which are really simple: all you are doing is not watching smut and distracting media anymore. that can't hurt you. reddit and P were bad habits that don't serve me anymore. that's why I stopped watching them. there really isn't much more to it. and even if I don't get ''superpowers'', i still want to find out who i become after i've let that stuff be for ~90 days.
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2022
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  7. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    A pretty shit day today lads. I feel lonely and unseen. Sometimes i suspect that no one actually wants to talk to me. They just entertain my presence for a while until i leave. Keeping up appearances. It hurts to write this out but i must be honest. Loneliness is such a bitter feeling. You can feel it in the pit of your stomach. Sometimes tears well up in my eyes but I fight them. I don't know why this feels so heavy right now.
    There is nothing I want more than to just be seen by someone and understood completely. To give them a big hug and feel loved. Keeping my deepest thoughts to myself makes me hurt. But it feels unachievable sometimes. As if i'm just on a different wavelength as other people. They don't get me and i don't get them. Especially with women. It probably sounds a bit mad but sometimes it feels like we just talk in a different language.
    I worry i'm not entertaining enough. Being present in a pleasant way comes from genuine confidence. but i really don't feel confident. i don't know what i'm even good for, on what road am i? am i living life according to my own standards? or just trying to live up to expectations?
    have not seen P, reddit, or netflix for a while now. could these be withdrawal symptoms? i do notice that i'm trying to cope by excessively looking up documentaries. thankfully i did get something done today but not much because the library was full of people.
    i'm just going to sit for a while and think about good times. don't really know what else to write.
    (i wrote this post a couple of hours after MO'ing)
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2022
  8. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Could very well be. Depressive thoughts, loneliness and melancholy can get worse if we stop watching porn. Especially if those symptoms where there anyway. When we no longer artificially suppress/postpone these emotions, they can become significantly stronger. Try to do something that feels meaningful to you right now.

    Hang in there and better times will come again.
     
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  9. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    I can relate to all of this mate. It's the feeling of being an outsider - as though you are not wired the same way as everyone else for whatever reason.

    It's not true though - we must remember that. As we continue to grow and develop without PMO, we will begin to feel that we fit better.
     
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  10. Henry+

    Henry+ New Member

    How’s it today?

    Facing issues we don’t usually find the time or mental space to is part of the process.
    As for connecting with women, it will come. Connect with yourself, then with those close by (eg family, who know and love you), with other guys that will affirm you and, before you know it, you will be able to get closer to women too.
    One important thing, though, is knowing where to find them. You’re not likely to find women who want a meaningful dialogue or even a relationship in bars and clubs.
    You may also want to reflect on the meaning of sex to you. If you despise P, it is possible that you see sex as something else than what is portrayed there. Using people to give us pleasure never satisfies anyone, we’ll always want more.

    Keep going!
     
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  11. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    Thanks for all of your replies guys. That really makes it feel like a community here. now i know i've come to the right place with this forum. :)
    i'm doing fine now, i'll write a longer update post sometime later in the week.
     
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2022
  12. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Man that's hard @Kuhn ! In my absolutely worthless opinion, I think you should stick it out for the 6 months. You can do it. See it as a challenge. My wife has 2 degrees but is a stay-at-home mom now. I always joke that between me and my wife we have 2 degrees! But still we both value the time and bucks it took to get her through college and what that did for her life experience and reasoning skills, there are many skills involved in completing a degree. There is value in seeing something like this through to the end, even if you don't go into that field, employers appreciate a person who can stick it out and apply themselves to formalised study.

    Strength and all the best to you for whatever you decide. I appreciate you coming on here and opening up about it.
     
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  13. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Back in ancient days, when I was enthusiastic about rebooting these things did change after a while. I may not have fitted in any better, but I stopped caring about it. I was thinking more like "they don't know what they're missing" than wondering why no one wanted to spend time with me.
     
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  14. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    So, an update. I consider my no P streak to still be pretty much legit, despite some hiccups here and there. but there's one thing i definitely realized along the way, namely that my addiction to reddit (and 2-3 other similar sites) is at least at the same level of P, if not worse. a big trigger is my smartphone. when it's in my hand, it's like a 'pressure plate' that clears the railroad track in my brain for using reddit. scrolling, and clicking next page are almost automatic actions. yesterday i spent hours again fucking off on reddit in what i would call a relapse. I MO'ed too. on top of that, i'm cutting caffeine from my diet since a day or two. suffice to say, i am coming down off the dopamine hard today. i also have flu like symptoms again. maybe i'm trying too much at a time, i don't know. i wasn't a very heavy coffee drinker, only one cup a day. anyway, i must avoid that pressure plate that is the smartphone. I can only think of three things that make it useful/needed for me: online banking, dating apps, and youtube guitar tutorials. the first two can be replaced by my laptop. but i haven't really found a good alternative for those tutorials yet. at the moment, i just store my smartphone away in my room and only pick it up when i need to look up a guitar tutorial. ideally, i would not have it at my place at all, but then it would be way harder to learn new songs.

    all in all, i'm glad i'm in the process of rewiring my brain to simpler things, even though it isn't always easy or straightforward. I just realised that i'm still going strong ever since i joined this forum nearly a month ago. so this place was defnitely a key factor. the fact that i'm so driven and motivated to beat this thing, gives me a slight rise in self-respect. even if i don't feel physically feel so good, i do like myself more for this.
     
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2022
  15. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    On the recent phenomenon of Social Media:
    "I think that world of the past, in which we lived without all that network technology, had two poles: seclusion and being together. The new (online) chatter puts us somewhere in between, soothing the fear of being alone without risking real connection. It is a superficial area between two deeper zones, a safe place between the dangers of contact with ourselves, with others.” - Rebecca Solnit.

    (to be fair, I would say that this forum is an example of online communication that allows for deeper conversation than just chatter. I think Solnit was aiming more at the ''traditional'' social media that monetize distraction, like FB)
     
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2022
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  16. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    That is a great quote!
     
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  17. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    Back again, it's been a while. Actually writing everyday proves to be quite a challenge, especially if i have my smartphone with me. I don't feel good about how a spent the last week. I slacked off a lot on work as well as sports, and slept like shit. now i feel weak with a headache and annoyed with myself. but i must not stay in this state of mind, there's gonna be bad times and good times. I feel a little frustrated though that I know the smartphone isn't good for me yet i keep going back. I always start reasoning that i ''just need to do this little thing x'' and then i'll put it away. but that's a lie and I know it, in reality i just can't handle the dopaminurgic grip it has on me. I'm embarrased to admit that i've used it up to 8 hours at a time some days. I've hid it away again, i've arranged now that i can do banking without it so i reckon i can go a long time without needing it anymore.

    the one positive thing is that my no p streak is still going. it hasn't exactly been up to the tightest standards, meaning i did see some sketchy pics here and there, but not full on P and I didn't use it to MO. it's possible that real hardliners here won't call this a streak, but i know that my main factor of watching P is the smartphone. i'm still in the process of making progress there, as described above, so i'm going to keep this streak. the main thing is that I don't feel a compulsion or a drag to watch P anymore and i'm happy with that. with me it's more the ''stumbling upon it'' while not looking for it that has a cascading effect. but as long as i don't use my smartphone and use cold turkey i really don't even think about it and focus on other things.

    I talked to a psychologist for the first time this week, really nice guy. I felt pretty bad going in but the conversation really helped. we talked about a lot of things like my plans for the future, my smartphone addiction, the way i see myself. he rightly pointed out that i needed a clearer goal somewhere in the future in order to motivate me now. because when he first asked ''what do you want to do after studying'' my answer was ''probably something in IT''. and no, that doesn't actually sound like something that i'm excited for. in my mind IT would just be a stable job with a good income that I don't hate. but it doesn't make me very eager or curious, which is deadening. So the previous night i just started scrolling on job websites, and i spontaneously responded to a vacancy for archeological work. I didn't quite have the exact skills they asked but what the hell right? worst they can say is no. something tells me that archeological work could really suit me. outside, physical, never know what you will find. it just sounds really cool. i might have a bit of a naive image of the work, but i'd be excited to try it. that must be important.

    Oh yeah he said one other important thing. when you quit a bad habit/ or addiction, the alternative you has to be more appealing. what i mean by that is this, say you want to quit smoking. if you just stop smoking and nothing else, the new situation will just be a net loss. you are still you with your weaknesses and insecurities but now without the cigarettes. and eventually you will go back because the craving gets too hard to ignore. but if you quit cigarettes and pick up running, you have something else that requires focus and is rewarding, thus you have a real shot at kicking the habit. you've made a new you that you like better, and is healthier. I believe i've already posted this somewhere else using different words. in short: don't just ''not watch P'', actively do something else instead that is objectively better and also rewarding. That is why the counter really doesn't say everything: you can have a huge number of days on there, but if you're just sitting there biting your nails in your spare time you're really not making much progress.
     
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2022 at 9:48 AM
  18. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    Kind of had an epiphany while riding my bicycle. It's always been kind of under the surface, but now suddenly i get it. Often when i'm in one of my negative thought spirals I despair that I don't have any 'dreams'. everybody is always going on about 'dreams' and 'goals' and they seem to have it all figured out but i don't have any. well it turns out that i kind of do. my dream is to practice archeology all over the world and make a living doing it. don't even have to be the indiana jones, professor professorson phd that always finds everything first and describes it in beautiful prose. let me do the fieldwork and the carrying of tools, i'll do it gladly. that's my dream.

    have you ever tried a new thing and thought 'well i see why people would find this cool, but it doesn't really make me hot or cold.' a personal example would be bouldering. tried it a few times, was like 'huh, yeah i guess you could do this. i guess i could scale this 7 meter wall. but i could also not.' anyway, i feel like that's been my life up to this point. every new thing, every research area was just ALMOST 'it' but not quite. I couldn't put my finger on it. I blamed myself. ''why don't you JUST like this thing? it's virtuous, interesting, everybody finds it cool, your parents were good at it, why are you being so difficult?'' but it just didn't rouse me. i felt guilty. but it's all okay. i have my own specific cup of tea. something that only i like. you don't have to like what others like, you don't have to aim to ''save the world'' (might be getting a bit incoherent, it's late here)

    this past period i've had a couple of little epiphanies that have just culminated into a big one, i feel. i realised that i like tinkering with stuff to make it work, like computers and programs or my motorcycle, but not as a 40 hr job. or for instance realising that just because i'm okay at writing, doesn't mean that i have to make my living with it. you can be good at something but still not like the idea of doing it for the better part of a week. like a friend said ''i'm good at cooking but i don't want to be chef.''but yeah, i do have goals. i do have dreams. i want to be an archeologist.

    practically speaking, first i need to aim at getting some fieldwork experience and finishing my bachelors. hopefully doing fieldwork parttime, i could combine it with something that will pay bills like working as a male nurse (my priority would be archeology first, nursing second and IT third) or, when i have my bachelor i could do a masters in archeology. but being real here, it might be overambitious. i need to start making money first, to be independent. in july i will speak to a career counselor and bring all this up. now sleep.
     
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