From this day going forward, i will no longer watch porn (26)

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Kuhn, May 15, 2022.

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  1. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    Hello everybody, well by now i guess you know what the deal is around here, I'm sick of porn and i'm going to quit watching it. I've been aware of the adverse effects of porn for at least 6 years now (oof), have been trying to quit on and off. But now i am truly done with it. I have installed cold turkey on my computers, buried my phone in my parents yard (yes you read that right) and i'm ready to move my life into greener pastures. I'm very happy that this forum exists and glad to see you all striving for something better. peace
     
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  2. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    just venting into the abyss here. my biggest trigger is loneliness. in the natural flow of a day, there will always be a time where the voices of companions have died down and i'm alone in my room. i often experience the existential dread of missing emotional intimacy in my life. but I must remember that these moments will be part of life no matter what, and the only thing i can really 'change' is my reaction to them.
     
    Henry+ likes this.
  3. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    by the way, how the f*** do i know what picture can be used as an avatar? i've tried 10 different jpgs and pngs of sizes 200x200 and up but none of them work.
     
  4. axebattler

    axebattler Member Staff Member

    That's a technical issue we're having. Hopefully it'll be resolved soon. At the moment it's not possible to upload an avatar as far as I know.
     
    Kuhn likes this.
  5. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    on the third day now, all is well. don't have any insane cravings. i have done quite a few attempts at a 90 day streak before this, so the p habit is already waning. that's why the first week is easiest for me now. from day 10 - 30 is where it gets hard (no pun intended).
    i worked reasonably well on uni tasks the past couple of days, though it could be better.
    picked up (olympic) lifting again yesterday. it feels great to be sore in the shoulders.
    will check in again in another couple of days.

    edit: looks like my badge isn't updating, sadly. for the record, day 1 of my 'no more stimulation through a screen' life was 16-5-2022.
     
  6. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    feeling big urges to go on reddit right now (also trying to quit reddit.) i caught myself 'going into the tunnel' by reasoning that 1 half hour of reddit wouldn't be so bad. oh, how often have i not heard that lie coming from myself. but today will be different. i'm going to whiteknuckle myself through this and do some painstaking, much needed work. at the end of the day i will feel much better for it.
     
  7. Henry+

    Henry+ New Member

    Keep going, man.
    I’m rooting for you, because if you manage to get a grip on the addiction now, it’ll save you a lot of hassle throughout your life. I’m more than double your age and wish I had won this battle a couple of decades ago. It would have saved me so much time!
    But hey, never too late.
    Let’s get on with life and get ourselves sorted a bit every day, day by day.
     
    Kuhn likes this.
  8. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    thanks for the support, i appreciate it! & yeah any age is a good age to stop watching porn.
     
  9. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    had a weird painful feeling almost the entire day in my lower region, maybe just still aching from strength training. I'm pretty happy with how much i got done today. had sort of a breakthrough with my paper, although much still needs to be done.
    don't feel like writing much right now though, pretty tired. just gonna hang on my couch and relax a bit.
    sleep has been pretty bad lately, because of the warm weather here (25 C)
    I talked to a friend about dating today. we both kind of agreed that it's almost pointless to try and win girls over when you study history, because all they hear is 'wont be making alot of money' lol.
    about 20 different dates went this way for me. i don't know, am i supposed to strive for a big career to get the girl? i really hardly give a shit what i'll be making later , as long as the work is sort of fun and meaningful. i really don't see the need to strive for a big house, big car and fancy suites. you can do so much fun stuff with little money, i really don't get why some people find this so important.
     
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  10. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    6th day now. no real trouble to evade any artificial (screen) stimulation up to this point. the key, i think, is to make it as hard as possible to view p. seeing that i've locked pretty much everything away that allowed me to view porn easily, gives me peace of mind. and it makes it easier to concentrate on other things, because ''oh well, can't look at p anyway.'' I've picked up guitar playing again, for example.
    my main reason for quitting porn came when i realised that i wasn't really interested in pursuing real women anymore. that's problematic to say the least. while i have been single for most of my life, i don't intend to be single for the rest of it. i want a relationship and kids too. realising that my own behavior was holding me back from getting to my goals, really made something click in my brain. life is happening here and now, you have a stake in how it progresses, and you must be real about how your choices and actions affect you.
     
    Henry+ likes this.
  11. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    on the 6th day i MO'ed. the 7th day i definitely noticed what the chaser effect was, and i did see some lewd images, but nothing in the shape of P really happened. It definitely could have though, so this has to be a wake up call. the biggest factor there was that i was on my phone again. I gave it to someone else to hide it now (more accountability.) I can only go on there now when i have to pay for something online. I use the one crucial app i have on there (whatsapp) on my laptop now.
    I consider M from time to time not to be problematic, but natural (others might disagree). As long as it's not with the INTENT of achieving O per se. I think it was Robert Glover who called this 'healthy M'. his book 'no more mr nice guy' was a real eye opener to me.
    yesterday i did feel a bit down, but that might also be due to a lack of sleep. today i feel good. going to hit those 90 days, at the bare minimum.
    in this week i want to take the time to write out here what my exact reasons are for quitting P/ the consequences when i don't.
    good day to you all.

    edit: i forgot to add this. P-like scenario's still pop up regularly in my mind (day 8 now). I think it shows that I'm still far from cured of the neural pathways that P created, even though I think I don't have it as bad as many other members of this forum (no ED, sensitivity issues, or really frequent P urges.) I'm definitely on my way, but long from cured. I need much longer (read: permanent) abstinence from P.
     
    Last edited: May 23, 2022
  12. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    The whole secret is about accepting, and getting used to the fact that you're not horny everyday anymore. Not being horny everyday is normal and acceptable. The abnormal part is getting off compulsively to pixels on a screen everyday. But this is what your brain is used to. I believe there are two ways your mind works, like a yin and a yang: the rational and the irrational. This is why sometimes, there is no rational reason for you to feel like shit, but you still do. Or the other way around. Both parts of your brain are needed and have benefits and downsides. The biggest downside for the P addict is what happens when the irrational part of the mind tries to trick the rational part into doing something that it craves. Eventually, sometime into your streak, your irrational mind will notice the absence of the daily 'thrill' and start to think something is 'wrong', something is 'missing'. Which ofcourse you logically know not to be the case: in fact, getting rid of P is exactly what you want. But to trick your rational mind, your irrational mind will play up the feeling of 'wrong' by making you worry: ''am i still potent?'' ''what if this flatline is forever?'' ''what if I never want sex again?'' these worries are largely subconscious and subtle, though. They manifest itself through the alienatien you feel with the world, when you aren't succumbing to what used to be your daily habit. When you start to feel impotent, you should really stop and sit with this bad, but temporary emotion that you are feeling. Acknowledge the realness of it, but (read this paragraph) and explain to yourself again that you are healing. You are not impotent, there is nothing to be afraid or ashamed of, and you are on the right track. And then you perform a different (good) habit (like for me, the guitar). Maybe only for 10 minutes if you're feeling really bad. then go take a walk or something. No need to punish yourself with a cold shower or anything for feeling horny (although i think cold showers are cool for the health benefits, i just don't agree with feeling guilty and punishing yourself in general), because you haven't done anything wrong. In fact, like I said, you are actually totally on the right track when you are experiencing this. Slowly but surely, other habits will take P's place until you don't need it anymore.
     
    Last edited: May 24, 2022
    Henry+ and Bestrongnopmo like this.
  13. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    feeling pretty shit today. low energy, unmotivated. have had flu symptoms for over a month now, possibly still covid but not sure. did have MW this morning, but I feel the flatline slowly creeping back in. i'll keep this post short so I can go do something useful.
    recently I missed a thesis deadline, which means I have to add another semester to my already long uni track record. sometimes i do feel like a fuckup. i understand everybody lives their own story, but i want to feel more useful to the world around me. right now i'm just kind of floating without real direction. it feels good to write some thoughts down though.
     
    Henry+ likes this.
  14. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    getting close to the 14-day mark without P! i'm doing allright right now, have to start writing on an essay after lunch. I MO'ed on this past thursday, but looking back it would have probably been better if I hadn't. It wasn't really necessary, it just kind of happened. It did affect my mood somewhat, and I had a little bit of a chaser effect on friday (not really P though). It definitely felt ''automated'', like i was going through motions and my rational brain was just standing on the sidelines going ''you know this doesn't make you happy, stop it.'' I stopped myself and i blocked the site in question, so I will still count this streak. I'll try to keep busy a bit longer now, to keep that ''no O high'' going longer (all of you experienced nofappers know what i'm talking about, lol.) Socially i had a good time the past days, a good friend came by on thursday and we did edibles, and on friday (after i sobered up ofcourse) i went motorcycle riding with another dude I know (less well, mostly because we both like motorcycles).
    I have a couple of good bro's, all male, but on the romantic side of things (meaning women ;)) nothing much is happening right now. I don't really have my eye on anyone. tbh i probably come off as standoff ish because i still get so nervous around girls i like. Can't really solve that I think, just something you learn to live with while you still take your best shot. It still feels like in any type of scenario outside of dating apps it's a little disrespectful to flirt? a weird thought maybe, but yesterday for example i could have asked the waitress for her number, but like, she's working. or when i'm studying in the library i could give a girl a note with my number, but what is she's just concentrating and doesn't want to be disturbed. do i just need to get over it and do it already?
    oh yeah and there's this girl who lives three doors down from me (same hallway), and a few days ago she came to ask coffee and was all like ''i'm so tired haha, i slept with x (other guy) last night, didn't think it would happen but it did oops haha''. like wtf? is she flirting with me? if she is then that wasn't a great way to flirt because how am i supposed to react to that?
     
  15. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    tbh, i'm coping quite badly. my willpower was in very short supply today. i've just wasted pretty much an entire day on video games. i think my brain is looking for other dopaminurgic activities to get a fix. sure, i need to take responsibility as well. i'm running from responsibilities, trying to stuff away sad feelings. the major problem right now, i think, is that i associate writing my essay with failure too much. and i associate video games with ''fun''. thus my brain makes me clench onto the controller and turns off my nagging doubts and concerns, until i awake at least 5 hours later feeling stiff, hungry and bad about myself. what is best here, to be stern and angry with myself? or to lock the PS away too, like my phone, sigh - meditate - excercise - cook something and try again tomorrow. in that order. i found a little nugget of wisdom online just now - https://publicwords.com/2014/07/31/...ind-betrays-you-and-what-you-can-do-about-it/ - the author uses the metaphor of flying in an airplane, but that doesn't apply to me because i'm not scared of flying. i'm scared of writing a sentence in my essay and it not making sense. i'm scared of asking out a girl, and disappointing her eventually because even though i'm nearly 27 my life really doesn't add up to much. these are self defeating thoughts though. i should think about the happy ending, the happy alternative, like a short movie in my head, amp myself up and do it anyway. it's not going to get any easier. fighting the evolutionary mechanisms of your brain never is. okay, to yet another fresh start.
     
  16. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    i've decided to make it a little bit more difficult by turning my streak into a complete dopamine detox. no more screens for dopamine until i've finished my degree. i noticed that i was still showing some bingeing behavior, and it wasn't helping my PMO streak. definitely on reddit and 4chan it's really easy to slip up. (haven't slipped up though, to be clear) i've stored my PS and smartphone away now, so no more reddit, 4chan, dumpert, bingeing news websites, or netflix.
    I found myself wondering if i'm actually still a P addict, so after some googling i did that test made by richard weiss (maybe you know it). 30 questions and if you answered yes on only 3 (!) , you're problematic. well, I probably answered about 15 with yes. so there's no more point in sticking my head in the sand, I need to treat P (and internet) like the drug that it is to me, and kick these bad habits that are no longer serving me. an alcoholic also can't get clean if he still has a drink once in a while. so a complete, strict detox it is. the key is to turn one bad habit that brings dopamine into a good one, even if it's not as dopamine rich. for me this could be a few things: reading a book, playing guitar, exercising, meditating, going for a walk/ bike ride, planning the next couple of days. (can add more later) when kicking a bad habit, it's important to replace it with something else, because otherwise you're just left with empty time thinking about your past habit in agony. that eventually just leads to relapse.
     
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  17. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    such an angry day today. something went wrong that wasn't really anybody's fault, but it caused me to make a 1hr trip for basically nothing. it's been a while since i've felt this angry. I think other emotions are spilling over.

    I feel like i'm living a lie. I'm going through alot of mental anguish to complete a degree, but i can't logically explain to myself ''why'' anymore. to make more money? to get an easy desk job? I already have so much stuff though, and i'm not poor, thanks to my parents (yes I know, that's a privilege.) but seriously, what do i need more money for? I feel pretty much fine about where I live, (not with my parents, btw), don't feel the need to move. besides that, in the past year i found out that i pretty much hate sitting by a desk 8 hrs / day. Is that really something to strive for then? academically speaking, I'm also not taking this to great heights. people say i'm a good writer, but i pretty much hate every step in the writing process of a thesis (i don't really mind writing about something i'm really passionate about, like this right now lol.)
    anyway, there's one last thing that usually makes people study: status. we all know the ''Billy McBillyson, phd'' linkedin profiles. While I definitely respect any such person's willpower and diligence to get there, and i don't want to insinuate that status is the ONLY reason people get a phd, you have to admit that gaining status plays at least A role in it. I personally just don't give a shit what people think of me, if they think i'm a smart high-earner or not. people are going to think what they think anyway. there's no point in fretting about that stuff. so to go short, financially, socially or academically, i can not think of an argument that makes me want to complete my degree. I do not have a specific job in mind that I need it for. but now comes the pickle. I've already sunk about 7 years and 50k (probably more) into getting one. And now, frustratingly enough, i cannot explain to even myself why. This is the anger that's seeping over that i was talking about.

    So, now what? sunk cost fallacy? just quit after 7 years of this shit? i only have two courses left. two papers. 12000 words. I couldn't possibly quit now right? just stick it out doing something i'm really starting to hate for 40 hrs a week 6 more months? is it worth it? or should i just go find a job. I feel so useless now. so many people my age that i know are really getting somewhere, activating their passions for a good cause, making money. and i'm just sitting here feeling like a loser. wth do i do?
     
  18. John Smith

    John Smith New Member

    i was in the same spot as you. if you dont want a job doing history why not just read history books as a hobby and get a job you like. i had to take a physical job because sitting for 8 hours gives me bad back pain. you might have been caught up in the 'college is your freedom' propaganda that teachers and parents always claim. nothing wrong getting a job in the trades especially union run jobs where its $90/hr. do some soul searching and pick up some new hobbies to help if your career path.
     
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  19. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    Thank you for your perspective John. I'm not in the US though, but obviously trade jobs need doing here also. My father has a workshop for steel product manufacturing where I help sometimes. The projects there are not really a very steady source of income though, and the work has it's moments but is also very repetitive. what kind of trade are you in, if i may ask?
     
  20. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I can relate a lot to having a lot of frustration and anger about where I am in my life and feeling like I'm living a lie. Sometimes I feel like my life is absurd (both my ''career'' and my relationships) and I get this strong sense to run away and start anew like in a movie. And sometimes I'll feel some very strong anger about it all and to be honest it's anger at life, at the universe. So yea, though emotions to deal with and probably one of the reasons I'm an addict or at the very least one of the reasons it's so hard for me to get out of the addiction (dealing with these emotions, this reality). Not that it's easy at all, but I think some kind of a spiritual or philosophical perspective on things can help here. Most probably some kind of faith foundation. In other words to try to find some meaning in this suffering, some form of acceptance of it. And then from that acceptance one can also, slowly and gradually, start changing things. I'm not giving any lessons here as this is something I struggle with almost on a daily basis. Regarding finishing your degree, this is a very personal decision and who knows maybe throwing it all away right now, doing something radical like that could actually be the good call. Or maybe not. It's your decision and your burden. But from a logical and rational perspective I would say that it would probably always be a decent idea to try to finish it, if you are really at the end of it. Then you can evaluate if you want to keep going in this direction or switch things up. But even then it's not easy because once we finish a degree in something it is hard to explain why we wouldn't keep going with the next logical step which would be a job in that specific field. But my hope is that if we recover (so important) we slowly gain the inner strength to start living life in our true calling and thus making those tough decisions going against the expectations of others. That's why recovery is so important. We get ourselves back and then in reality it doesn't even matter as much what we study, what we work in. And we can course correct in an easier manner I think.
     
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