From softcoreporn to crossdresser porn.. Let's end this once and and for all

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Hopefullynotgay, Dec 4, 2014.

  1. Hopefullynotgay

    Hopefullynotgay New Member

    Introduction:
    I am 23 years old, fairly good looking and generally liked by everyone. I never let others know about my "weak" emotions like being bitchy when in bad mood. Just smiling everything away. I can talk a lot and much of it in a non-serious way. I am clumsy as hell too. Wouldn't say it is very boring around me. But I am actually really introverted. I like to be alone, I do combat sports and don't really have close friends and for that reason hang around rarely(I had close friends till I was 15 but changed city and now don't have contact to them anymore other than facebook).
    When I see people I know, but don't know really well I act like I didn't see them, turn away or playing with my smartphone. Same with people I didn't see a long time. I absolutely hate being with groups. I prefer "togetherness", there is much more to talk about when it is only 2 people and no one is left out. But my nature doesn't play a role with my porn addiction, I guess.

    I started to like transsexual porn, could only get hard with effort on female solo porn and especially couln't keep my boy hard. I still can cum but it doesn't feel good and very forced, my penis is always slaggy throughout the proccess... I was terrified and yesterday started to look for people with the same problem and luckily found about hocd/ocd and stuff.

    So..
    Here is my story.

    Past:
    I startet around 12 with masturbating and did it frequently until now. There were times I didn't do it for about 3-4 weeks but always came back to it. I started with softcoreporn, girls stripteasing and dancing around. Didn't care for pussies and tits that much, I loved legs and ass though and enjoyed the part when they undressed slowly the most. I even rewind to that part everytime because I enjoy it the most.
    Never liked sexual content with guys and girls having sex. I only cared for girls. But then...
    I started to learn about transsexual. I made fun of it and it disgusted me.

    But eventually I saw some really stunning beautiful transsexuals( I think it was "nong-poy"). It strucked me how a boy could get so beautiful and feminine. So I looked for more... Searching hours for the ultimate feminine transsexual on porn sites. Sometimes spending 10hours selecting the finest shemales to masturbat to them. I mean, 99% transsexuals are just ugly and manly as hell.
    As I already told ya that I didn't care much about genitals. As soon as they started to show the cock I immediately switched off or rewinded.
    In the beginning I still jerked off a lot to webcam girls. But shemale porn got gradually bigger in my life even though I never enjoyed seing the cock. Eventually I got used to seing the cock and didn't avoid it anymore. Watching them having sex with another guy. I didn't even watch straight porn with guy and girls having sex. I was only into striptease.
    I often felt very miserable after masturbating and even wondered if my dad grandparents knew what I did. I truly felt ashamed.. but at the same time it gave me great excitement, I felt like a beast unleashing my overwhelming power.

    Last year travelled to Thailand. Met 2 ladyboys at different times and slept with them. They were very feminine and beautiful, not many hints of their "interesting" past. I even slept with a girl I wasn't very attracted to, she was cute but not my type and really boring in bed. I felt like I fucked a doll - I couldn't cum and went to sleep. It did bother me a bit. At that point I never thought of porn being able to alter my sexual preferences.....

    After that I started to get a new education, new school and got a job as well. school and job took about 60-70hours + commuting. Was busy for 2-3Months it eventually got too much and I quitted the job. Had time again and started to fap fap fap - and now a lot more to shemale porn.
    About 5months ago I adventured into crossdressing porn. The difference is, they don't take hormones and don't have the intention for sexchanging surgeries. I enjoyed it a lot and took my excitement once again to another level... But when I wanted to jerk off to webcam girls striptease, teasing or masturbating again it felt different... No real excitement, penis was very slaggy. I am only able to cum with this slaggy penis cause I am so experienced with masturbating. Sounds funny, but isn't at all for me haha.
    "Did I turn gay? or.. could it be that I have been always gay?" I asked myself a lot of these questions and kept jerking off to shemales/crossdressers. Crossdressers are of course less feminine than shemales due to hormones, but nonetheless I am still selecting the most feminine and beautiful ones ;D

    So far I did avoid gayporn. I admit, that I can admit that a guy can good looking and charming like most actors are. Maybe a little attraction too... Not sure what kind of attraction that is. But I NEVER had sexual fantasies about them.
    I actually exchanged lot of mails lately with a crossdresser. He is a really good looking crossdresser and there is no pictures of him as a guy.
    He told me that he doesn't only want to meet straight guys since he primarily spends his time as a boy and wants his sexdate to appreciate both of his appearances.
    To be honest, I would really get excited to get to have sex with him - but only him as a crossdresser. I couldn't care less about him as a boy.
    That is one of the arguments that I can't possibly be guy, isn't it? My sexual preferences already altered to crossdressing, I don't want to get eventually aroused by gay porn or even child porn. IT HAS TO STOP. :mad:

    I really don't want to be gay. I want a family with kids and a beautiful wife. Having my mother taking care of my kids and letting her the joy of being a grandmother. Even if in the End it comes to the worst and I am biologically gay, I WONT ACCEPT IT and will do EVERYTHING to lead a "normal" life even if I have to lie to my girlfriend/wife and taking viagra everytime before sex. I read that I think that I am straight, then I AM straight. That is very reassuring 8)

    You see, I am fully determined. Let's get this shit started. 6 months no fapping!
    I am on day 4 now! I will be busy with working this weekend

    English is my 3rd language.. couldn't make it an interesting read because I am missing all the rhetorical device! ;)
    Still hope that there is someone who read this and even better, would be able to help or comfort me ;D
     
  2. sidney1990

    sidney1990 Guest

    your story is very similar to mine

    i also like legs ass and feet...i am not so into tits but like feeling them and can appreciate them etc...

    although i likely am a bisexual considering the fact that i am attracted to some members of the same sex and opposite sex..

    man you need to cut the shit out now, i have been on this site since 2013 ( we are going on 2015) THE LONGEST STREAK I HAVE DONE IS 15 DAYS!. my story is a little different its sad really...i first started to watch straight porn, and then other fetishes ( nylon, legs feet etc..) and then discovered a cartoon picture of a female with a penis..and curiosity took over and then before you know it i am jerking off to more and more shemale porn ( and that was back in 2009!). and YES crossdressers would turn me on and felt liek the next stage from shemale porn.. more of a amateur feel

    i watched so much of it..and one day in 2013 just days before finishing my last year at university a question popped into my head...is it bisexual or gay to like shemale porn? i panicked and could not stop obsessing about my sexuality. i tested myself with straight porn and shockingly could get off to the idea of being in the women's position and the mans cock....i was like "DEWD WTF ! im straight HOW THE FUCK am i turned on?!" my OCD also kicked into overdrive and I just couldn't stop obsessing over whether i found members of the same sex as attractive...

    i kept testing myself with gay porn, it didnt do much for me. and then I allowed myself to get aroused to a gay clip...my anxiety kicked up badly i was so scared yet so turned on by this gay clip ( guy blowing a dick through the gloryhole). i sometimes think maybe anxiety plays a part into what turns me on?

    and now i finally said fine, im bi and after opening up to myself i feel a little better..

    but man oh man its been 2 years of living hell...i wish i never even watched tranny porn, its fucked me up so badly..i cant believe it has been 2 + years..
     
  3. Hopefullynotgay

    Hopefullynotgay New Member

    Glad I am not alone with this, but I still wish you hadn't experienced this! Since I already have started the nofap challenge, I of course won't look in gay porn. I wouldn't accept me being gay/bi anyways.



    Day 6
    Had some nasty dreams and woke up with an errection, first time since my abstinence.
    Normally, weekends always end up as masturbation marathons for me. I am working the whole weekend so, I am being kept busy and that is really really good.

    I just read the intruction post of underdog:
    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0

    And gotta agree with a lot of things. I always thought that I was a pretty chilled person and most bad emotions couldn't affect me.
    Well I am, but porn is/was helping me with that. Especially when I felt lonely, bored or frustrated with studying(frustrated with the amount I have to learn lol). Then I looked for porn to relieve this kind of stress. But I am pretty picky person, so searching for the holy grail of porn where I could unload my sauce was a big task which could take sometimes some hours. That is how time has flown and has distracted me from the more important things of life. But I knew it before I read this post, but now I am finally taking action!!
    Well the origin of me doing the nofap challenge is still because I am utterly disgusted by getting so excited upon seeing shemale/crossdresser porn and not being able to stay fully errected upon seing girls... but focusing more on life goals, ain't that bad too!
    I do have a lot I want to do later in life. Just need to elaborate more, choose a way and work much harder for them.

    Porn was getting in the way all the time, it sure took some precious ours of my life. Well, at some point I was computer games addicted as well. Truly en evil combo ;D
    But I am past that.

    I will still update my journey with day counters, but I will refrain from doing this daily. I can see why it is counterproductive.
    But writing weekly summaries is a way of keeping me busy, sharing my hardships which I can't do with others and getting advises from people who experienced simliar things.
     
  4. alelline90

    alelline90 New Member

    I have a similar situation with the shemale stuff. Crossdressors included. I think this is about exposure and conditioning. Sex is sex, if you were stranded on an island with no porn, then six months later girl appeared there, I'm sure you could get it up. Thats how I see this nofap. In a way its starving yourself back into primal sexual behavior that we were all born with. So no, I don't think this gay shit is true. And I think nofap is the best way to prove it. Of course I'm only on day 9, so I could be wrong, but it sounds like something all too common amongst porn addicts these days to not be a conditioned fetish. Lets find out together bro!
     
  5. Hello there,

    My case is slightly different, I guess it is worse. I'm also turned on by crossdresser porn but it's because I want to be the crossdresser. I have escalated from soft bdsm to forced feminization porn. So of course, I also had these thoughts "Am I gay ?" in my head.

    Since my subscription here, I have done two streaks of 24 and 20 days. I failed, but I got back on the horse and I have reduced my exposure to porn a lot. Stay away from porn and focus on other things that matter and you will see, you will be proud of your progress.

    Good luck, be strong. ;)
     
  6. Hopefullynotgay

    Hopefullynotgay New Member

    Yeah, let's find out together.
    @alelline90, are you comfortable with the thought of being the cd? Or does it creep you out?
    I never had the urge to be the passive one and honestly couldn't imagine how I would handle it.

    I am on day 8 now it kinda gets hard, more and moe I feel the urge to fap, but I am successfully reminding myself to not do it =)
    Browsing facebook, I still make a short stop whenever I see a hot girl lol. But isn't it natural? :p Haven't been on a porn site in this 8days though!
    Getting a bit more horny now whenever I see hot women pass by. My sexual drive is slowly getting better, I can really feel it. I feel more like an animal, and that is a good thing! Maybe my case isn't thaaat bad, I might be able to recollect enough confidance in my libido to start trying to date girls again... AND I SURE WANT IT. I will stay strong and say farewell to porn!
     
  7. alelline90

    alelline90 New Member

    Regarding the CD question, no. I'm not drawn to the submissive role. We have to remember, as addicts our sexual interests are strongly linked to porn. It won't be until we detach ourselves from it, that we can start to explore our sexuality properly in a controlled real environment that is untainted. We must continue on this no fap path until we can get to the point where we can see everything. Our perspective is too narrow right now.

    I think of it like this:

    Imagine right now we are looking down long a plastic tube out of a second floor window. Of course we can move the tube around and focus on some things, girls, plants, cars, beach, sky, etc.

    But every time we focus on one thing, we can't see anything else.

    Its not until we throw away our tube and walk out the door that we can experience everything, up close, in person, and all at the same time.

    At this moment, we just dropped our tube, and are now taking small steps towards the door. (well, I just relapsed yesterday so lets say I just put the tube on the floor.)

    Of course, if we go back and pick up the tube, we have to go all the way back upstairs to the window to see anything.

    Personally, I don't think I can entertain any thought of whats sexually normal until I'm on the beach and walking into the ocean man.
     
  8. Hopefullynotgay

    Hopefullynotgay New Member

    That is a good point of view.

    Day 11:
    I thought I deleted all porn on my computer. I found some hidden in a folder. These models were in there were my favourites. I was wondering if I should keep them.. my favourite models after all... NOPE, already on day 11. I feel how my sexual drive already has improved a lot. I can't wait to test it on the "field". My hand seriously needs to retiere :p

    Before I started this challenge, I already looked into supplements but didn't buy some yet. En my summer vacacions I have travelled to asia and bought some kind of tea which is supposed to enhance sexual ability. The ingredient which is used is called "Turnera Diffusa".
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turnera_diffusa

    I just bought it for my friends just for fun and kept 2 packages for myself. I forgot about them since I didn't know about my problems back then.
    Until yesterday... I have enough tea bags for about 20 days. Let's see if it helps in any way
    I will keep you guys updated! :)
     
  9. Hopefullynotgay

    Hopefullynotgay New Member

    Day 16
    Nothing new, got some boners in the morning.
    I once googled for a porn actress but closed the window after 5s. But I don't struggle at all. I will easily reach my goal.
     
  10. barristan

    barristan What a terrible night to have a curse.

    As far as I know, gay guys don't like transgenders.

    You said you didn't care about genitals, but you are attracted by the feminineness, transgenders are usually MORE feminine than most girls actually.

    I don't think you are gay, your porn tastes just scalated and you need to see something that is more shocking so you keep you excited.

    My porn tastes morphed to shemales too, but I stopped there. Once I stopped, the "attraction" slowly decreased and now it's gone
     
  11. Zarniwoop

    Zarniwoop New Member

    Yeah, it seems pretty obvious that you aren't gay. Maybe sexually curious I guess. And the porn addiction will make you watch and get off to things you never thought would turn you on. If you manage to stop porn you'll probably lose most or all fantasies like that. I also have fapped to crossdressing, shemale porn and all that, but never been sexually attracted to men in the real world. Confident that I am not gay, but that my porn addiction makes me want new extreme (for me anyway) stuff all the time.

    That said, it seems like you are very afraid of the notion of being gay. I don't think you are at all, but it would hardly be the end of the world? :p
     
  12. Hopefullynotgay

    Hopefullynotgay New Member

    Thx for the head ups.
    Day 22
    Damn almost relapsed! I was on a porn site for some secs, got hard but closed it again without jerking lol
    Stay strong!
     
  13. Hopefullynotgay

    Hopefullynotgay New Member

    Day 28
    Well, I just looked up some screencaps of crossdresser porn. I still got excited and got a little hard, well not hard but blood was flowing in ;D ;D.. but I tried to surpress it and did do something else occasionally. Didn't watch any videos though.
    There is certainly still desire to watch the shemale porn... Still a long way to go for me. Will I ever be disgusted by this shit?!?!
    I would be fine with liking shemale/crossdresser stuff IF I would get excited equally by femae porn. Well I didn't watch female porn for 28 days, so it might be equal by now haha. But I doubt so, well I will just keep doing the nofap thing and try to get some dates and see if I have erectile disfunction in rl situations.
     
  14. Hopefullynotgay

    Hopefullynotgay New Member

    Guys...I dont know what to do. I've been searching for japanese crossdresser all day..( about 2-3hours with interruptions).
    i skipped through one shemale vid and have been looking through about 50 movie caps of cd porn. Was really excited all day... I feel so bad though. I still didnt masturbate but I still feel like failing. My urge is stronger than ever right now. Has been boring the whole day with nothing to do. I amon my way to meet a friend right now and my pc ia downloading the porn...
    I really want to watch it when i come home.. . Is it still considered a success watching it but still refraining from masturbating? Or could i just as well masturbate to it lool.. Damn the urge is strong

    Any advises welcome.. help me out please.. I dont want to start from zero again. The 29 days werent hard at all but today is killing me ...
     
  15. barristan

    barristan What a terrible night to have a curse.

    The reboot goal is weaken the porn pathways, it' means porn isn't an option.

    If you are searching crossdressers for 3 hours a day it's clear that you triggered the chaser effect and you are reinforcing your addiction. When you just watch or search you release crap loads of dopamine, and it's as bad as masturbating to it.

    So if you are looking for a proper recovery, stop peeking at porn, you are not horny, you are just craving for dopamine.
     

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