From Fantasy to Reality

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by stinkerdinker25, May 10, 2019.

  1. stinkerdinker25

    stinkerdinker25 New Member

    Day 33.
    I feel empty a lot. I know that my addiction has become unmanageable and has led to numerous difficulties in my life, all of them unnecessary. My default to human connection is to shut off, lay in bed with my laptop, and seek an artificial connection to try and satiate my lack of the real thing and my slowly fading social circle. I know that I need to revivify my social life and seek real connection, now that my artificial stimulus is no longer an option.

    I want to have new people in my life. Friends that I can choose. Bonds that are mine to forge and mine to break, if necessary. I've always struggled with fantasy. And now without its digital form in my life it has begun to drift back into its original manifestation.

    When I was younger, when I was bullied ruthlessly and felt great resentment and shame, I would go for long walks on the beach. Alone there I would play the fantasy game. Talking out loud, screaming profanities at my enemies and standing up against their torturous avatars, whose only existence in those moments were ghosts inside my head.

    In my fantasy world I was my greatest version. In my imagined scenarios I told the truth, always, even if it put me in danger. In the real world I would lie to avoid conflict and the possibility of embarrassment and pain. In my head I was a master of conversation, winning every argument and charming every girl that caught my eye. In real life I struggled to keep my cool in verbal battles, often stumbling over my words and becoming overly invested in the outcome. And with girls, I didn't even have the confidence to start the conversation.

    With a mind like this it's easy to see why the more compulsive and escapist aspects of the miracle known as the internet would become so tempting. And give into those temptations I did. At least with my fantasy games I was using my imagination, but with the internet all of that fantasizing was given an artificial replacement. My tendencies towards voyeurism, watching other people take part in life while I stayed on the sidelines, became exacerbated to the point of absurdity.

    I never participated in online forums and sites, I was a browser, a lurker. Content to float on the surface and never reach into the depths. It was only when I realized that I had a problem that I was willing to reach out. It is in our moments of desperation when the heart's call to action can no longer be ignored. I am now thirty three days into my recovery and I have been white knuckling my way through every single day. This has brought me to a realization. If I am to overcome this addiction I am going to have to change everything about my life and how I interact and do battle with myself and the world.

    My coping mechanisms, all of them, have brought me nothing but ill health, lethargy, and a tremendous sense of emptiness. I need new habits, new routines, a new mindset, a whole new way of being. Life isn't just meant to be lived porn free, it's meant to be lived free from all compulsion. This is just the beginning. This is the first step to a better way of being, a journey beyond limits and a living up to my human potential.

    It's time to un-learn every conditioned response from my brain. It's time for a total 180 degree flip in everything I do. It's time for a reboot.

    That is all for the day, thank you for reading,

    Sincerely,

    stinkerdinker25
     
  2. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Member

    It's wonderful that you've made the first step to recovery. Recovery starts with realize that you are not happy with where you are in life. To do so, and to want change, is a significant step that many people don't take in the first place. It's great that you have decided to reach out for help, as I have myself. If there is one piece of advice I can give you, it's to be consistent. Posting a daily journal, even if it has nothing to do with nofap allows you to quantify your thoughts, understand where you are in the journey, and what you would like to change.

    Now it seems you want to make a lot of different changes in your life, and that is wonderful, but it's important to realize that all these changes can be overwhelming if you try to tackle them at once. Slow but gradual change, like weight-lifting for example, will help out in the long run. Start with limiting your time on the computer, start by adding a 15 minute jog per day. As the good habits build up, try to eliminate the bad one at a time. Substitute time spent at the computer to time spent jogging (which is something I did). Soon, the good habits will build up and overtake the bad ones. If there is one thing I can't stress enough, change does not happen at the change of the month, new year, or overnight. It takes time, and you might not notice you've changed until you really look back.

    Lastly, it's important to realize that you are no alone in your struggles. Loneliness, feeling alone, and engaging in fantasizes, are all part of the human condition. Do not feel that all of this is "just happening to you". The trick is to reappraise your feelings. For example:

    I used to believe that everyone was in a relationship except me. I felt that because I was not in a relationship, there was something wrong with me or I was ugly. Through the years however, I realized that just because people are in a relationship, doesn't mean they are happy. A girl that rejected me a while back would constantly be in a relationship just to "say that she's taken". The relationships were actually pretty bland, boring, and pointless. Instead of learning about yourself, understanding who you are, setting goals for your future, that energy was wasted to a meaningless thing. Who shows the most character growth? An individual that spent time in solitude learning about himself or the person whom constantly felt the need to be in relationships and party just to post on social media and let people know how much of an interesting person [gender retracted] they are? I discovered more about myself when I was single and in my darkest hour than when I was in relationships with others.
     
  3. stinkerdinker25

    stinkerdinker25 New Member

    Appreciate the kind words dude, and great advice, I will definitely post a journal entry every day, and I will take things slow, I have a tendency to throw myself at everything at once, and because of the enormity of that task I get paralyzed and don't know where to start. Great advice, will be posting my progress on the daily.
     
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  4. stinkerdinker25

    stinkerdinker25 New Member

    Day 39

    Sorry about the confusion guys, I kept updating my journal by posting new threads for every one, and that shit was not going to fly, you can find my other days on those threads. I'm from the technology generation but I'm pretty shitty with technology. I will be updating this thread like this for now, unless this is the wrong way to do it, let me know if I'm doing it right or not. Anyway, today went well, didn't get any writing done besides this entry but I got out ten resumes to businesses that are near my new place, hoping to hear back from them and get that summer job.

    One urge today, squashed it pretty easily, I was looking for a softcore loophole and trying to find my way around watching any hardcore stuff but |I didn't let myself slide. Trying to get more work done but it's hard forging self-discipline, unfortunately it requires self discipline. That's the kicker. Discipline requires discipline, who would have thunk.

    I want to get back into comedy and performing regularly, I want to write more comedy and hone my craft as much as I can. It hasn't been going well for the past two days, including today. No writing done in either one. I want to get a minimum of eight hours of writing a week, that will be overshot by a simple hour and a half of writing a day, which seems within my wheelhouse. Want to keep up my yoga and stretching and qi gong routine, harnessing that sexual energy son, shit is powerful. Anyway, good luck on your journeys,

    peace,

    stinkerdinker25
     
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  5. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Member

    I'm glad you're putting yourself out there and looking for jobs. I'm also glad you managed to stop an urge in it's tracks. Please be careful not to edge. It's a very slippery slope, one that I have failed multiple times. Keep up the good work. I had some urges today, but I decided not to engage in them.
     
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  6. stinkerdinker25

    stinkerdinker25 New Member

    Day 40

    I find myself struggling to stay productive and stick to a schedule. Maybe I get too caught up in thinking all the time to try and be the most successful person right away. I was reading some psychology books and one of the books talked about this concept known as the battle of selves. That so much of our problems in how we relate to ourselves, the problems of self-loathing and self-punishment has to do with our comparison between what is called our actual self with what is called our idealized self. The idealized self is the perfect version of yourself. For me, he is a version of me who always gets his work done, he is a beast in all areas of life, he writes every day and stays true to his artistic vocation, he is gregarious in social situations and always knows the right thing to say to charm anybody, he is a beast when it comes to physicality and fitness and always stays disciplined. He is a version of myself so far away from my current situation that the comparison in my mind is emotionally unbearable at times. It is an unrealistic expectation to put on myself to be this kind of man. Sure, I could be something like that in time. But to compare myself to that version every single day causes lots of problems.

    One of Jordan Peterson's ideas is not to compare who you are today to who somebody else is (or your idealized self) but to who you were yesterday. If I can keep that in mind, I know that I'm doing alright. Sometimes the problem is that I do a better job at getting my shit together yesterday that I didn't follow up with today, so you get in that kind of pickle. All I know is that it's a process. There will be days when I am off my game. All I have to do is to show up to the bare minimum, don't relapse, write your progress, reflect on how far you've come and look to improve a little bit each day. Just do one thing a day that is worth your time.

    For me that happens to be writing. So I've done a little bit of that with this post, but I want to get a couple hours in after this. Wish me luck. Good luck on all your journeys, peace,

    stinkerdinker25
     
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  7. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Member

    Congratulations on making it to 40 days; I've been having some trouble around day 21, but I'm holding through.

    I understand the constant need to comparing yourself to others and feeling inadequate. I was raised by what you would call "helicopter parents" which really pushed me to be perfect in all respects. This sort of "perfectionism" is a downfall, and it should be something that we should all be aware of. What you are describing is a battle between your ego really. It's great that you realize you are holding yourself to unrealistic standards, but you need to apply this thinking every time you feel the need to compare yourself to others.

    Here's something I normally say to myself when I feel this way:

    My life is my own journey, a tale that is to be written only by myself. I can't spend my life worrying about or comparing myself to others. It's my narrative, not his or hers.

    I like this phrase, because at the end of the day, the journey is on you.

    Now, I don't have social media, but I feel this would exacerbate these feelings 1000x-fold. Try to eliminate social media, as the "high-light reel effect" is something that contributes to self-inadequacy when you compare the high-lights of others to your own lows.
     
    Last edited: May 17, 2019
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  8. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Really nice one. Going to memorize this. Thanks!
     
  9. stinkerdinker25

    stinkerdinker25 New Member

    Day 41

    Stayed on track again today with the bare minimums. Didn't relapse, was tempted at times, but I didn't, staying strong. I cleaned my room today and did my laundry, those are the two productive things I got done today, didn't end up writing yesterday or today, don't think I'll get my eight hours in for the week, so I'm being a little down on myself for that, but I've been taking notes on learning how to journal properly, as well as watching a lecture on stoicism, which I find quite fascinating.

    I was going to go out and meet people last night, but I decided to stay in. In the past I would have stayed in and stroked my member to some visual filth, but I had nothing to do to fill the time other than watch a hockey game that was on television. To be honest I had a lot else to do. I could have gotten my writing done, but I left it for the end of the day and if it's after 9:00pm, forget about it, I'm just going to want to sleep. Had it been an assignment to write for school I would have been on it, but for some reason personal writing that means more to me gets put on the back burner more often than academic writing that has a definite deadline. I don't know what that process is, when you can set your own deadlines to have real life consequences that impact you on the immediate level, it's harder to bypass them.
    I think I'm going to set up a consequence system with my roommate. When I don't get an hour and a half of writing done at least a day I will pay him twenty bucks. It's a bit more money than my cigarettes cost me when I smoked, so that seems like a good economic punishment for my own laziness.

    Until I move in with my roommate I'm going to have to set up something else to remind me to keep writing. Maybe the punishment should be I have to listen to ten Justin Bieber songs every time I miss my daily writing, that should be punishment enough. Anyway, that's all that's been on my mind for the day.
    Tata for now, all the best,

    stinkerdinker25
     
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  10. stinkerdinker25

    stinkerdinker25 New Member

    Day 42

    I broke my record, I can't believe it. I'm surprised at how little effort it took me to go this far this time. Not too many urges, a lot in the middle phase, around days twenty to thirty, but as of recently it's been smooth sailing. I have to keep my eyes peeled cause those urges can come from anywhere and leave a man helpless in times of temptation. I didn't get any writing done today once again. That goes for three days in a row of no writing after doing a solid two hours. But it's been a while since I got the grindstone working in my favour. The longest I've gone on a writing streak has been thirty days of writing for an hour a day, and that took a lot of will power. I got about an hour plus of workable stand-up material out of the deal and it only took me thirty days of one hour a day. If I can knock out three hours a day for ninety days imagine the kind of progress I can make.

    That is my new goal. From now on my goal on NoFap and my goal with writing will be the same. To see how long I can go without fapping and to see how long I can go with writing. One a negation, one an action. I think and feel that it will exponentially increase my optimism in regards to my goals. I've been on myself to try and get some writing done and have it for a minimum of an hour and five minutes a day, that is at least eight hours a week, which is my minimum goal. So far for this week I got two hours of writing done for the whole week. My excuses are plenty and no need to delve into them right in the open, but this week was particularly busy for me. I was applying to jobs all over the city, I was cleaning up all my stuff and packing and moving all my shit into my new place, getting leases signed, looking for tenant insurance, it's just been a lot to deal with for a minimalist like me.

    But excuses are just that, excuses. I have no real reason why I haven't written material other than the fact that I've been giving in to what Steven Pressfield calls Resistance. I let it beat me down every chance it gets. I let it drag me on a leash to wherever it wants me to go. Binge watching YouTube videos, television shows, general lazing about. I need to get my priorities straight. I should be writing three hours a day. That is what a professional does. I haven't gotten to the state of mind of a professional yet. I'm still in amateur dreamer mode. Visualization can only get you so far, you need action. You need consecutive steps and strategies towards that goal in your horizon, but most of all you need discipline. That is something I've always struggled with.

    I'm glad I'm in this community and partaking in this challenging journey of quitting the compulsive vice that is internet pornography. If there's one thing that takes a toll on your sense of discipline and self-reliance, it's porn. All of that life energy wasted pleasuring yourself to digital ghosts. It's pathetic. And that is what I'm attempting to remove from my life. Everything that is deplorable about my life I want to remove. Weeding out the garden I call it. And it starts with porn.

    One day closer to that ninety day mark, just three more days and I'll be halfway. Looking forward to the light at the end of the tunnel, but I know I need to do some more work on myself.

    All the best on your journeys, happy Sunday,

    peace,

    stinkerdinker25
     
  11. stinkerdinker25

    stinkerdinker25 New Member

    Day 43

    Slept in til noon today, not a very productive day. I have to congratulate myself for reaching forty two days, this is the longest streak I've gone on so far, and I'm looking to extend it to the ninety day mark and beyond. As far as I'm concerned this is my reflection journal. I will reflect on the past days weeks and months in this journal and will be posting daily. There's going to be a problem here that I am seeing now, my computer just crashed, it is not turning on anymore, I'm writing this on my Uncle's laptop and I will try and get to the library every day to write my post in this journal but it will be difficult, as I don't have wifi at my new place.

    Things are collapsing all around me with the internet business but I'm honestly not too worried about it. As far as I'm concerned the internet is by and large a waste of time. I use it that way anyway, not recently, but the pattern is hard to break. I will have limited access for the next couple of weeks, possibly months. My writing will mostly be done on paper, with pen or pencil. I have little use for computers right now other than posting on this site, and I will be busy with many things once I get into my new place, so my posts might be few and far between, don't panic if you don't hear from me, I'll probably be up to something productive or social. Until that time when I get a new laptop and wifi for my place, this is sionara for now, I will try and keep contact with my accountability partner, I could get an app for my phone if I'm feeling adventurous, but for now I'm off the grid.

    That is my summary of the days events, hope you enjoyed it, all the best,

    stinkerdinker25
     

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