Day 33. I feel empty a lot. I know that my addiction has become unmanageable and has led to numerous difficulties in my life, all of them unnecessary. My default to human connection is to shut off, lay in bed with my laptop, and seek an artificial connection to try and satiate my lack of the real thing and my slowly fading social circle. I know that I need to revivify my social life and seek real connection, now that my artificial stimulus is no longer an option. I want to have new people in my life. Friends that I can choose. Bonds that are mine to forge and mine to break, if necessary. I've always struggled with fantasy. And now without its digital form in my life it has begun to drift back into its original manifestation. When I was younger, when I was bullied ruthlessly and felt great resentment and shame, I would go for long walks on the beach. Alone there I would play the fantasy game. Talking out loud, screaming profanities at my enemies and standing up against their torturous avatars, whose only existence in those moments were ghosts inside my head. In my fantasy world I was my greatest version. In my imagined scenarios I told the truth, always, even if it put me in danger. In the real world I would lie to avoid conflict and the possibility of embarrassment and pain. In my head I was a master of conversation, winning every argument and charming every girl that caught my eye. In real life I struggled to keep my cool in verbal battles, often stumbling over my words and becoming overly invested in the outcome. And with girls, I didn't even have the confidence to start the conversation. With a mind like this it's easy to see why the more compulsive and escapist aspects of the miracle known as the internet would become so tempting. And give into those temptations I did. At least with my fantasy games I was using my imagination, but with the internet all of that fantasizing was given an artificial replacement. My tendencies towards voyeurism, watching other people take part in life while I stayed on the sidelines, became exacerbated to the point of absurdity. I never participated in online forums and sites, I was a browser, a lurker. Content to float on the surface and never reach into the depths. It was only when I realized that I had a problem that I was willing to reach out. It is in our moments of desperation when the heart's call to action can no longer be ignored. I am now thirty three days into my recovery and I have been white knuckling my way through every single day. This has brought me to a realization. If I am to overcome this addiction I am going to have to change everything about my life and how I interact and do battle with myself and the world. My coping mechanisms, all of them, have brought me nothing but ill health, lethargy, and a tremendous sense of emptiness. I need new habits, new routines, a new mindset, a whole new way of being. Life isn't just meant to be lived porn free, it's meant to be lived free from all compulsion. This is just the beginning. This is the first step to a better way of being, a journey beyond limits and a living up to my human potential. It's time to un-learn every conditioned response from my brain. It's time for a total 180 degree flip in everything I do. It's time for a reboot. That is all for the day, thank you for reading, Sincerely, stinkerdinker25
It's wonderful that you've made the first step to recovery. Recovery starts with realize that you are not happy with where you are in life. To do so, and to want change, is a significant step that many people don't take in the first place. It's great that you have decided to reach out for help, as I have myself. If there is one piece of advice I can give you, it's to be consistent. Posting a daily journal, even if it has nothing to do with nofap allows you to quantify your thoughts, understand where you are in the journey, and what you would like to change. Now it seems you want to make a lot of different changes in your life, and that is wonderful, but it's important to realize that all these changes can be overwhelming if you try to tackle them at once. Slow but gradual change, like weight-lifting for example, will help out in the long run. Start with limiting your time on the computer, start by adding a 15 minute jog per day. As the good habits build up, try to eliminate the bad one at a time. Substitute time spent at the computer to time spent jogging (which is something I did). Soon, the good habits will build up and overtake the bad ones. If there is one thing I can't stress enough, change does not happen at the change of the month, new year, or overnight. It takes time, and you might not notice you've changed until you really look back. Lastly, it's important to realize that you are no alone in your struggles. Loneliness, feeling alone, and engaging in fantasizes, are all part of the human condition. Do not feel that all of this is "just happening to you". The trick is to reappraise your feelings. For example: I used to believe that everyone was in a relationship except me. I felt that because I was not in a relationship, there was something wrong with me or I was ugly. Through the years however, I realized that just because people are in a relationship, doesn't mean they are happy. A girl that rejected me a while back would constantly be in a relationship just to "say that she's taken". The relationships were actually pretty bland, boring, and pointless. Instead of learning about yourself, understanding who you are, setting goals for your future, that energy was wasted to a meaningless thing. Who shows the most character growth? An individual that spent time in solitude learning about himself or the person whom constantly felt the need to be in relationships and party just to post on social media and let people know how much of an interesting person [gender retracted] they are? I discovered more about myself when I was single and in my darkest hour than when I was in relationships with others.
Appreciate the kind words dude, and great advice, I will definitely post a journal entry every day, and I will take things slow, I have a tendency to throw myself at everything at once, and because of the enormity of that task I get paralyzed and don't know where to start. Great advice, will be posting my progress on the daily.
Day 39 Sorry about the confusion guys, I kept updating my journal by posting new threads for every one, and that shit was not going to fly, you can find my other days on those threads. I'm from the technology generation but I'm pretty shitty with technology. I will be updating this thread like this for now, unless this is the wrong way to do it, let me know if I'm doing it right or not. Anyway, today went well, didn't get any writing done besides this entry but I got out ten resumes to businesses that are near my new place, hoping to hear back from them and get that summer job. One urge today, squashed it pretty easily, I was looking for a softcore loophole and trying to find my way around watching any hardcore stuff but |I didn't let myself slide. Trying to get more work done but it's hard forging self-discipline, unfortunately it requires self discipline. That's the kicker. Discipline requires discipline, who would have thunk. I want to get back into comedy and performing regularly, I want to write more comedy and hone my craft as much as I can. It hasn't been going well for the past two days, including today. No writing done in either one. I want to get a minimum of eight hours of writing a week, that will be overshot by a simple hour and a half of writing a day, which seems within my wheelhouse. Want to keep up my yoga and stretching and qi gong routine, harnessing that sexual energy son, shit is powerful. Anyway, good luck on your journeys, peace, stinkerdinker25
I'm glad you're putting yourself out there and looking for jobs. I'm also glad you managed to stop an urge in it's tracks. Please be careful not to edge. It's a very slippery slope, one that I have failed multiple times. Keep up the good work. I had some urges today, but I decided not to engage in them.
Day 40 I find myself struggling to stay productive and stick to a schedule. Maybe I get too caught up in thinking all the time to try and be the most successful person right away. I was reading some psychology books and one of the books talked about this concept known as the battle of selves. That so much of our problems in how we relate to ourselves, the problems of self-loathing and self-punishment has to do with our comparison between what is called our actual self with what is called our idealized self. The idealized self is the perfect version of yourself. For me, he is a version of me who always gets his work done, he is a beast in all areas of life, he writes every day and stays true to his artistic vocation, he is gregarious in social situations and always knows the right thing to say to charm anybody, he is a beast when it comes to physicality and fitness and always stays disciplined. He is a version of myself so far away from my current situation that the comparison in my mind is emotionally unbearable at times. It is an unrealistic expectation to put on myself to be this kind of man. Sure, I could be something like that in time. But to compare myself to that version every single day causes lots of problems. One of Jordan Peterson's ideas is not to compare who you are today to who somebody else is (or your idealized self) but to who you were yesterday. If I can keep that in mind, I know that I'm doing alright. Sometimes the problem is that I do a better job at getting my shit together yesterday that I didn't follow up with today, so you get in that kind of pickle. All I know is that it's a process. There will be days when I am off my game. All I have to do is to show up to the bare minimum, don't relapse, write your progress, reflect on how far you've come and look to improve a little bit each day. Just do one thing a day that is worth your time. For me that happens to be writing. So I've done a little bit of that with this post, but I want to get a couple hours in after this. Wish me luck. Good luck on all your journeys, peace, stinkerdinker25
Congratulations on making it to 40 days; I've been having some trouble around day 21, but I'm holding through. I understand the constant need to comparing yourself to others and feeling inadequate. I was raised by what you would call "helicopter parents" which really pushed me to be perfect in all respects. This sort of "perfectionism" is a downfall, and it should be something that we should all be aware of. What you are describing is a battle between your ego really. It's great that you realize you are holding yourself to unrealistic standards, but you need to apply this thinking every time you feel the need to compare yourself to others. Here's something I normally say to myself when I feel this way: My life is my own journey, a tale that is to be written only by myself. I can't spend my life worrying about or comparing myself to others. It's my narrative, not his or hers. I like this phrase, because at the end of the day, the journey is on you. Now, I don't have social media, but I feel this would exacerbate these feelings 1000x-fold. Try to eliminate social media, as the "high-light reel effect" is something that contributes to self-inadequacy when you compare the high-lights of others to your own lows.
Day 41 Stayed on track again today with the bare minimums. Didn't relapse, was tempted at times, but I didn't, staying strong. I cleaned my room today and did my laundry, those are the two productive things I got done today, didn't end up writing yesterday or today, don't think I'll get my eight hours in for the week, so I'm being a little down on myself for that, but I've been taking notes on learning how to journal properly, as well as watching a lecture on stoicism, which I find quite fascinating. I was going to go out and meet people last night, but I decided to stay in. In the past I would have stayed in and stroked my member to some visual filth, but I had nothing to do to fill the time other than watch a hockey game that was on television. To be honest I had a lot else to do. I could have gotten my writing done, but I left it for the end of the day and if it's after 9:00pm, forget about it, I'm just going to want to sleep. Had it been an assignment to write for school I would have been on it, but for some reason personal writing that means more to me gets put on the back burner more often than academic writing that has a definite deadline. I don't know what that process is, when you can set your own deadlines to have real life consequences that impact you on the immediate level, it's harder to bypass them. I think I'm going to set up a consequence system with my roommate. When I don't get an hour and a half of writing done at least a day I will pay him twenty bucks. It's a bit more money than my cigarettes cost me when I smoked, so that seems like a good economic punishment for my own laziness. Until I move in with my roommate I'm going to have to set up something else to remind me to keep writing. Maybe the punishment should be I have to listen to ten Justin Bieber songs every time I miss my daily writing, that should be punishment enough. Anyway, that's all that's been on my mind for the day. Tata for now, all the best, stinkerdinker25
Day 42 I broke my record, I can't believe it. I'm surprised at how little effort it took me to go this far this time. Not too many urges, a lot in the middle phase, around days twenty to thirty, but as of recently it's been smooth sailing. I have to keep my eyes peeled cause those urges can come from anywhere and leave a man helpless in times of temptation. I didn't get any writing done today once again. That goes for three days in a row of no writing after doing a solid two hours. But it's been a while since I got the grindstone working in my favour. The longest I've gone on a writing streak has been thirty days of writing for an hour a day, and that took a lot of will power. I got about an hour plus of workable stand-up material out of the deal and it only took me thirty days of one hour a day. If I can knock out three hours a day for ninety days imagine the kind of progress I can make. That is my new goal. From now on my goal on NoFap and my goal with writing will be the same. To see how long I can go without fapping and to see how long I can go with writing. One a negation, one an action. I think and feel that it will exponentially increase my optimism in regards to my goals. I've been on myself to try and get some writing done and have it for a minimum of an hour and five minutes a day, that is at least eight hours a week, which is my minimum goal. So far for this week I got two hours of writing done for the whole week. My excuses are plenty and no need to delve into them right in the open, but this week was particularly busy for me. I was applying to jobs all over the city, I was cleaning up all my stuff and packing and moving all my shit into my new place, getting leases signed, looking for tenant insurance, it's just been a lot to deal with for a minimalist like me. But excuses are just that, excuses. I have no real reason why I haven't written material other than the fact that I've been giving in to what Steven Pressfield calls Resistance. I let it beat me down every chance it gets. I let it drag me on a leash to wherever it wants me to go. Binge watching YouTube videos, television shows, general lazing about. I need to get my priorities straight. I should be writing three hours a day. That is what a professional does. I haven't gotten to the state of mind of a professional yet. I'm still in amateur dreamer mode. Visualization can only get you so far, you need action. You need consecutive steps and strategies towards that goal in your horizon, but most of all you need discipline. That is something I've always struggled with. I'm glad I'm in this community and partaking in this challenging journey of quitting the compulsive vice that is internet pornography. If there's one thing that takes a toll on your sense of discipline and self-reliance, it's porn. All of that life energy wasted pleasuring yourself to digital ghosts. It's pathetic. And that is what I'm attempting to remove from my life. Everything that is deplorable about my life I want to remove. Weeding out the garden I call it. And it starts with porn. One day closer to that ninety day mark, just three more days and I'll be halfway. Looking forward to the light at the end of the tunnel, but I know I need to do some more work on myself. All the best on your journeys, happy Sunday, peace, stinkerdinker25
Day 43 Slept in til noon today, not a very productive day. I have to congratulate myself for reaching forty two days, this is the longest streak I've gone on so far, and I'm looking to extend it to the ninety day mark and beyond. As far as I'm concerned this is my reflection journal. I will reflect on the past days weeks and months in this journal and will be posting daily. There's going to be a problem here that I am seeing now, my computer just crashed, it is not turning on anymore, I'm writing this on my Uncle's laptop and I will try and get to the library every day to write my post in this journal but it will be difficult, as I don't have wifi at my new place. Things are collapsing all around me with the internet business but I'm honestly not too worried about it. As far as I'm concerned the internet is by and large a waste of time. I use it that way anyway, not recently, but the pattern is hard to break. I will have limited access for the next couple of weeks, possibly months. My writing will mostly be done on paper, with pen or pencil. I have little use for computers right now other than posting on this site, and I will be busy with many things once I get into my new place, so my posts might be few and far between, don't panic if you don't hear from me, I'll probably be up to something productive or social. Until that time when I get a new laptop and wifi for my place, this is sionara for now, I will try and keep contact with my accountability partner, I could get an app for my phone if I'm feeling adventurous, but for now I'm off the grid. That is my summary of the days events, hope you enjoyed it, all the best, stinkerdinker25
Day 48 I'm at the library for my reflection journal entry and to get some writing done, I woke up at 5:00AM this morning and was going to go for a run, as I had done that for the past two days, but I wasn't feeling motivated this morning, I ended up listening to some affirmations on the couch while in a meditative trance, that was at least somewhat productive, a little subconscious reprogramming never hurt anyone. I think I'm going to save my run for later on today, it's nice and warm today, the sun is out, so I know I'll get a good sweat on. Had a good meal for breakfast, a can of beans with three scrambled eggs on top with onions, garlic and spinach. Checked out a martial arts gym near my place today, they told me that they have a month free trial for both jiu jitsu classes and muay thai, so I'll be stopping in Monday to check out the first class. I want to get in shape but sometimes it's hard to do it when there's no point other than get in shape. If I can learn a skill at the same time, like as in a sport, like martial arts, that will be a lot more fun than just running on the pavement and sweating just doing some boring workout. Although there is a certain skill in disciplining oneself to do such things, I have found it somewhat enjoyable in the last couple of days to go for a run or do some jump rope, and follow it up with some stretching and bioenergetics. But martial arts will force me to work harder than if I was just training on my own. I found that with hockey growing up. When I went to the rink on my own to skate I would just skate around shooting pucks and not really getting that much of a workout in or training. But when you're in a group with an organized coach and doing drills, you get a lot more out of the experience. I always enjoyed going to hockey growing up. I liked the team aspect and I liked working hard and getting all that amped up energy from sitting in class all day out of my system. You would just blow out all the cylinders skating around the circles and doing laps of the rink at the end with all the boys. It was much more sequenced and thought out. It's hard to get that kind of discipline over yourself in any physical practice without a coach or trainer. The mere presence of an authority on the subject makes you work that much harder, and they push you in ways that you could never push yourself. I know some people have a gift for pushing themselves on their own and prefer working out alone and figuring out their own path to physical salvation, but they're rare. I know myself and I know that I need a guide, a mentor. I need someone in my life who is more experienced than I am and can offer words of wisdom and encouragement on my journey. That would have been the place for my father if he was still alive, he died of pancreatic cancer when I was fifteen. And ever since then I've been looking for someone to fill that male role model hole. I looked to it in teachers and instructors at school, coaches at hockey, older friends in my social group. There was a void inside me. And with the divorce rates where they are I feel that a lot of men have that hole without having to have their father's taken off their mortal coil, simply absent in their lives. This is an era where men are losing the aspect that our ancestors had, male guidance of the elders and the wise. All we have is the internet now to find guidance, and that has its pluses and minuses. It's a great place to go because there are so many different points of view and different people you can look to for guidance. Which makes it almost paralyzing because you think which one of these mentors should I stick with and test out their system, there is simply too much information to comprehend. Not only that, but it's very difficult to contact some of these people. It used to be that we were members of a tribe, and sometimes this community feels like that, but it's not like it was in the old days, when people would sit around the fire sharing stories and myths, learning lessons from the deities and great men and women in those stories. Now all of our inspiration comes usually not from ritual or in person experiences, but through a screen. We're detached from the wisdom by means of its medium. We can intellectualize all sorts of theories and ideas about why it is we're here, what our purpose is, and how to live a more fulfilled life, but in order to really experience that wisdom we have to get a way from the screens, from the information technology itself. I often found in the past few years that I was searching a lot for answers about what to do about my problems. I bought tons of self-help books and watched every inspirational video I could find on Youtube. But none of it helped me. I gained perspective, but no experience. And every time the reality of my situation would hit me as I watched one of these inspiring videos, I would think to myself "I'm just watching shit, I'm not doing anything about my problems. I'm engaging in mental masturbation." And that's exactly what it was, I was still caught up in the physical act but the whole mental ritual of gluing myself to a screen and numbing myself with video after video, erotic or otherwise, was sapping me of my vital motivation, not to mention my fluids. Over the past few days I've been relieved at how fine I feel without all the internet distractions. It's only been a couple of days but I'm finding my head clearing up a bit, and that might be due to the fact that I'm at day forty eight, as porn is the worst culprit for brain fog, but compulsive internet use in general is my main problem, porn was the center of that hurricane of mediocrity, but much can be said of sites like Youtube, Facebook, they can be used for inspiration and connection, but I find myself hooked to them as vessels for distraction and procrastination, something to fill the void in the day that could be filled with something productive and worthwhile. Right now my only use of the internet is at the library. I'll be posting on my blog, and posting on this site, mainly using it for writing. And right now to find directions back to the bridge terminal, but first I'll get some comedy writing done, thanks for reading if you got this far, all the best on your journeys, peace and good will, the end, stinkerdinker25
It's great that you are exercising during this reboot phase. Often, the flatline which we experience can make us feel empty and demotivated. Exercise is a wonderful thing to do during the reboot as it keeps our energy level and testosterone levels up. I've been running and weight lifting on alternate days. Maybe purchase a gym membership instead? You make a good point about our generation not having any guidance. This is something that I have come to realize as a dire necessity for future generations. I have no solution for this other than to find our own guidance through the internet or through life experiences. One thing that I'd like to mention is that my guidance in life came from observing others and reflecting and understanding why they are doing what they are doing. Let me give you an example: I have a friend who on the surface seems to like drinking. He likes to talk about going out every weekend, getting wasted, and the latest girl he's chasing after. It seems like a typical early 20 year old right? Well, when you give it more thought, you realize that he's after this ideal that if he has a girlfriend his problems will be solved. He believes he's the perfect guy, even though he has a minimum wage job, drives a beat up car, and spends most his money on alcohol. He's going out, 2-3 times a week, and that's a bit excessive when you think about it. All that alcohol, all that money. There's obviously some problem. Now why did I mention this story. Though I've left out a lot of personal observations, from this person specifically, I've learned a lot of valuable lessons. 1) The belief that we should party and drink in excess in our early 20's is a myth perpetrated by the media. In reality, our 20's should be spent working out a future career. 2) Having a girlfriend or even believing you are the perfect guy is not only a cringy concept, but really pathetic. You need to value yourself and invest in yourself before you think you can receive the love of someone else. 3) Going out to bars, getting wasted, and trying to hook up with as many people as you can isn't cool. It's actually painfully ordinary. I can go on, but this is just one of the few people I've observed. There are probably 20-30 other case studies I've personally looked at that allow me to understand this human condition. To summarize, let life itself be your guide. Pay attention to both yourself and others, and try to understand what's really going on. It's easy to say that someone's having the time of their life cause they are constantly posting on social media pictures about the bar they're at...but's it difficult to understand that they're just lonely and trying to compensate for something (true example).
Day 54 Well, I finally quit nicotine, this is it, my other addiction, besides information and touching myself while watching naked people have at it on a screen, it has been nicotine that has been the cause of my wasting money and wasting physical health. I've barely exercised consistently for any long period of time since I started smoking, which was about four years ago to this day. Before that I was quite active and would work out and run on a frequent basis. I of course got into drugs and the like and wound up having a mental breakdown when I was twenty one. I was then diagnosed with bipolar disorder and told that I would have to be on meds for the foreseeable future. That didn't sound like the best deal to me. Of course, I wasn't informed of my official bipolar diagnosis until after my second hospitalization. The first I was far too out of it on medication to even comprehend what was going on. Those psych meds can really mess you up. sometimes even worse than the disorders they're supposed to cure. Anyway, I've been coming to terms with my diagnosis in the past eight months or so, slowly coming to realize that I do have something in my brain that isn't exactly normal, something about my nervous system has been dysfunctional in some way, whether this was from my brief foray into drugs like cannabis and LSD, I can't be certain, those drugs don't have the effect of driving everyone that takes them crazy, so there must have been some underlying chemical imbalance at work in my genetics or the innate wiring of my brain. Now that I think about it, I've always been fairly neurotic and weird. Whether it's been socially unaware and fumbling, to completely non-existent connections with any budding human females. I've always struggled with my identity, who I am. I've wanted to portray myself a certain way, differing in type as the years went on from early childhood to later and on to adulthood. I've always been an actor. Pretending to be cool, pretending to be hip, pretending to understand what everyone else was talking about, pretending to be normal, pretending always. It wasn't until I discovered comedy that I learned that being yourself and being truthful is the most entertaining of all. I learned that people get paid to say the things that no one else is willing to say, but everyone is always thinking about. This got me thinking, "Hey, I could do that." My first influence in comedy was George Carlin, he got my critical mind turned on for the first time at sixteen with his "Religion is Bullshit" routine. I was raised strict Catholic so this was forbidden fruit in the information department. To be honest I was addicted to comedy before I was addicted to porn. I didn't start watching porn until I was seventeen. Which is late for some of you, it definitely felt late for me. But once the hooks were in it was hard not to use it. Anyway, I think that's all I have to say for today. Getting an early start to the day, my brain was craving a cigarette very early this morning. All the best on your journeys, fight back against your compulsions, peace and goodwill, stinkerdinker25
Hey, I'm really proud that you are abstaining from nicotine. It's a nasty chemical. I wasn't aware that you smoked, but it's great that you are forthcoming. As for your diagnosis, it's strange how you were not informed about this until the second incident. That's bad medical practice in my opinion, as a patient has the right to know what they have as long as they are competent in understanding what it is that they are dealing with. As for "coming to terms" with your diagnosis, I'm not sure why you mention this as a bad thing. It's simply an extra characteristic that needs to be managed, but it shouldn't hold you back from anything "normal". I understand what you mean by playing an actor. In reality, I'm seen as the mysterious but confident type. Other people have mentioned that I'm a real man, highly motivated, organized, and mature for my age. What they don't see is the real me when I retreat into my room. In reality, I'm just a boring person who would rather play video games, eat junkfood, and do nothing but watch videos. Others see me as a full time worker, successful academic medical student, athletic, musically gifted, etc. In reality, I'm whatever you want me to be, because I try hard to show competence in everything I do. Identity is a very difficult concept, but this is actually the age in which we start exploring who we really are and what our identities are. It would make sense that these questions are appearing now in your journey. It's good that you are finding comedy as an outlet to who you are and something you identify with . George Carlin is my favorite...along with Bill Hicks, Dave Chappelle, and many other greats that are overlooked. On an unrelated note, have you tried the nicotine gum and patch to help control cravings? Some people find them helpful.
Day 60 It's finally here, the days of benefits have arrived. So far I've been writing consistently every day for the past two weeks, apart from one day of inaction. I am quitting smoking, and I took your advice and am going with the nicotine gum, taking one every forty five minutes (I smoked pretty heavy). I've been battling the cigarettes for the past couple of days and relapsed as far as smoking is concerned twice this week. With porn I'm as clean as can be and don't feel any urges. But with nicotine that's a whole other ball game. I'm doing well right now with the gum. Having quit cigarettes, hopefully forever, at around 12:00 noon. The cravings have been satisfied with the gum so far, but I have yet to face the dreaded next morning, with the cravings at an all time high for the morning smoke after nine long hours without the damned drug. Also, yeah, Bill Hicks and Dave Chappelle, great choices as well, forgot to mention Hicks, he was the first comic that got a deep emotional reaction from me. I found Carlin intellectually stimulating and funny as hell, but Hicks made me feel something deeper, it's hard to explain. And Dave Chappelle is just fantastic in every way, his two new specials are on my all time list now. Bill Burr also comes to mind, Patrice O'Neal, so many greats have etched their names into the halls of comedy greatness the pressure is on for me to live up to some of those expectations of greatness. I'm no where near that level of insight yet, but with semen retention on my side, I might surpass them all, haha. I'm currently at the library, typing away as the minutes tick down on my allotted time on the computers. I have more than enough time to make a post or two on multiple sites, but I'd like to keep these short and sweet, as I tend to be long winded with things. Went out to a comedy show the other night, have been booking gigs for myself all week, met a funny girl at the bar who does comedy, she really seems to like me. She did this weird Reiki face reading technique on me and it revealed all this shit about my personality that I knew was true the instant she said it. I don't know if it's like that cold reading shit, where they just say things that apply to everyone and fool you, but I was convinced. My skeptical mind was going, "What a bunch of woo woo", my spiritual mind was going Woo Hoo! That's enough word play for the day. Off to look for a book to hold me over for the next week. Later y'all, it's been a blast. Peace! stinkerdinker25
Day 0 So I'm back to square one. I didn't watch any porno, thank god, but I jerked off this morning, and that's enough for my criteria. It's been 105 days, I'll say that's a pretty good run. Will keep y'all posted when I can. Thanks for the support. - stinkerdinker25
The Hero's Journey and Rant Following your Gut. One of the things that the No PMO journey has taught me is to find out the truth of what you feel by searching the intelligence of the body. When we are not bombarded with the constant compulsion for sexual gratification, when the sea of desire is calm and peaceful, then the signals coming up from the gut and heart intelligence tell us the truth of what we really think. The mind can be a powerful tool, the brain I mean. And the brain is important, there's no doubt about that. But the brain is a deceiver. It will come up with all sorts of rationalizations and beliefs about reality and your situation that are dreamed up in creative imagination, but if they don't gel with the lower voice, the more subtle voice of the body, the gut and the heart, and essentially, the balls, then you can be fairly certain that they aren't true. When thought does not align with the root emotion, when it is disconnected from the heart, then it is illusory and should be viewed as such. Similarly, when a thought comes to the mind, consistently and over a long period of time, that arises from the impulse of the body, the gut (truth) and the heart(love) and the balls (courage), then you can be fairly certain that it is true to you in every sense. There has been a thought that has been plaguing my mind ever since I made the decision to go into University for acting. And that thought was, "you want to be a stand-up comedian, and you're going into acting, sure they're similar in that they're performance, but one is your heart's greatest desire and one is a side project." The stand-up was the centerpiece of my dream, the pie du resistance, the creme du la creme, the reason for living this crazy tumultuous life I live, the acting was just another thing that I did. Stand up was the goal, the be all end all of life was to become a professional stand-up comic. I've always been a great actor, and I like acting, don't get me wrong, but every time I finish a performance as a character, be it in a play or what have you, I always think, is that it? Is that the feeling I get when I'm done. But when I perform stand-up and I get the laughs in the moment from the strangers in the crowd, people that don't know me, laughing at what I think is true and me expressing who I truly am, not some character, there is no better feeling in the world than that. Sure I can play with characters if I learn acting. But I already have the ability. I have the gift. It was learned through many years of mimicking friends, teachers, people in the community, celebrities, what have you. But I have it. And through stand-up comedy I will be able to open doors in acting that I might not be able to with acting alone. How common is an actor in the artistic community, there are many. And how common is someone who can illicit laughter from strangers, not just people they know. Much rarer. My main idea is to quit school and devote my life full time to becoming a stand-up comedian. With the clarity of mind I have gained from no-PMO I have realized that it is time I put all the chips on the table and took a gamble at the risky life, the unsafe path, the road less traveled: The Hero's Journey. I've had many conversations with friends and family over this desire of mine and when I let all the walls down and articulated my feelings on the matter with the voice of my heart, they have all been encouraging. Which surprised me. I thought some of them would be more hesitant with the idea of approving such a plan. It made me realize how well thought out this plan was when I was able to articulate it with such clarity. When you speak from the heart, from the gut, from the balls, when you hold nothing back, no filters, people understand and encourage rather than criticize often times. Sure some people don't like the truth, if you're talking about issues that you care about or political causes or what have you, moral babbling and what have you. I can understand that. But when you talk about your dreams, with passion, clarity, and definiteness of purpose, people respond to that. I have found that in slowly coming out of my shell socially and genuinely interacting with other people, that all individuals act as a mirror to ourselves. If we talk to others as if we are talking to ourselves, as if there will be no criticism, with whatever bubbles up out of the subconscious, we bond on a level that weather conversation just can't provide. I have practiced telling my dream to just about everybody I meet, sharing with them my vision, my situation, my passion. I find other people become inspired. Their eyes light up, and they feel that it's okay for them to share their dream, their wish, their vision with you. And those are the types of conversations worth having. Conversations that move beyond the banal and the trivial and into the area of vision and dream and heart's truest calling. People don't talk about that enough. Make a point when you talk to people to talk about things that charge you with positive emotion. That not only brings out the best you, it brings out the best them, and you can form connections with people you never thought would be your friends. Not caring what other people think is important, but sometimes that can stop you from truly opening up to another person, be open to their point of view. I was recently talking with a woman I met at the bus stop, we both got on the same bus and she sat beside me and we talked for a good forty five minutes. She was pretty heavy duty into the Lord, hardcore Catholic, and I have my own form of Catholicism in my head called whatever the fuck I think, and I hold it fairly sacred. Anyway at one point in the conversation she said something that I've heard bandied about by many strict Catholics, I said, after explaining my decision to leave school and pursue stand-up full time. I said "I just have to follow my heart, you know" She said "But sometimes the heart deceives us." And I was thinking, no lady, you got it backwards, the brain is the deceiver, the brain is the one that thinks itself superior to the heart. But our heart is our connection to our subconscious and the divine realm, if you believe in such a thing, it's is the voice of truth, one that is closed off in heart cannot speak the truth. That is why all those pictures of Jesus show him with his heart exposed, he has intelligence of the heart. Because the voice of the heart is the voice of truth. Anyway, I declined to expose this view to this lady, I avoid conflict in conversation, it tends to ruin the connection that we have, so I agreed slightly, I said "yeah sometimes, but often the heart speaks true." As she thought more about it and articulated her feelings a little bit more, she actually found herself agreeing with me, in a roundabout way. I enjoyed our conversation, even though we are on different planets when it comes to belief systems. I think of religions as a buffet, which is not always respected among the zealous. Anyway, I think I've exhausted my resources of things to talk about, and if you've made it this far, I appreciate your tolerance for soul bearing inner monologue. I haven't posted in so long and so felt that a lengthier post was in order just to fill you guys in. All the best on your journeys, keep calm and don't jerk off, Sionara for now, sincerely, stinkerdinker25
