From Day 1

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Washingtonian, May 12, 2012.

  1. Washingtonian

    Washingtonian New Member

    Day 1:

    My name is Washingtonian, and I am 27 years old. I do live in Washington, one of Washington State or Washington DC, but that's not important. What is important is this: I am addicted to porn. I have erectile dysfunction. Not all the time, but regularly. I look (or looked?) at a lot of porn of all different stripes on almost a daily basis since I was 16, at least once every 2-3 days since I was 13, with a few exceptions. I have been diagnosed with mild but chronic depression plus some social anxiety and I'm currently on bupropion, which is a dopamine uptake inhibitor, for the past 2 and a half months. It's supposed to make you more horny, which it has, and able to perform, which it hasn't. It makes me feel only marginally better, but the social anxiety, which it is also supposed to help, is still there. Sometimes, I wonder if I stop taking it, if there would be much of a difference. Also, I have been taking more and more of it: I started out with 100 mg, went up to 200 mg, now 300 mg, which is the recommended dosage.

    Yesterday, after I couldn't get it up for my friend, I rubbed it out more times than I care to remember over the course of 10 hours to among other things, a threesome on a beach, an orgy in Russia, and two impossibly blonde women with impossibly big breasts and impossibly small waists getting each other off on the heel of a spike heeled shoe they passed between themselves. I should have been doing my last papers before I graduate my master's program, but I put that off for Angel and Brooke and their spike heels. It wasn't all that satisfying on any level anyways.

    I have a one bedroom apartment to myself, and (unlike most in my program) I have a job after graduation by some miracle.

    As I alluded to before, I recently found myself in this friends with benefits relationship, and I've been able to get it up sometimes (I'd say 50%). When I do, the erection is never really satisfying and it takes me for-fucking-EVER to get off. It has been this way for years, since at least senior year of college. The Internet puts everything at your fingertips, why make some effort when you can expend none?

    I do tend to cut myself from people.

    The FWB is leaving for the summer on the 27th until late August. Who knows what happens after that.

    I'm going to try the no porn and masturbation for as long as I can, but when it comes to orgasm, if there's a real live woman in front of me and I can do it, then I will. Otherwise, under any other circumstance, I won't.
     
  2. Washingtonian

    Washingtonian New Member

    Day 6:

    So no P or M. But some O though with Alice. I feel like I'm always on the verge of losing it though, so I have to have constant physical contact. It's nerve wracking and not helping me enjoy the act.

    The no porn thing however is hard. I always think about looking at some when I'm alone. I installed K9, so chances are lower. When I'm at home by myself, my hand also always wanders down there through the sheer force of habit. I'm sort of going crazy.

    Real test is coming up in 10 days when Alice goes home for the summer. I have to psych myself up for that. I'll be on vacation with friends for much of the first week she's gone, then a few days back home and then I leave for a business trip to Libya with my new job a few days after that. I'll be there for quite some time in a compound with other Westerners and sharing my room with somebody. The goal is to be as social as possible. Or at least as diverted as possible, which involves working my ass off, reading in public places, meeting people, and being outside the compound as much as possible.

    I have a question for you all: what effect does having O with Alice hurt the process?

    I feel if Alice wasn't here, I'd be twitching out of control or starting from Day 1 pretty regularly.
     
  3. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    Being completely PMO free is better and faster rebooting, but having sex doesn't seem so bad to me as long as you stay off P and M.
     
  4. Washingtonian

    Washingtonian New Member

    @Laurynas: Thanks!

    Day 10:

    So far, so good, so no P and M. O still happening, but is ending very soon for the time being as she is leaving. Thinking the no PMO will be getting harder before it gets easier. It's interesting to see how much of my life is spent figuring out how to get off, and those who do get off with a lot with other women (or men, for those who like it that way) don't seem to spend as much time thinking about it. Maybe it's a function of the tail wagging the dog.

    So currently figuring out things to do after I get back from Libya in late June. Currently thinking of how to deal with it through extracurriculars. Thinking about applying for an MBA in a few years and need a good set of volunteer activities. Want to get more fit, if only (like that is insignificant) for my own self-confidence. Want to learn a particular language, if only for my curiosity. So I'm thinking 2 volunteering commitments (1x/week or 1x/2 weeks), 2 fitness activities to focus on, 1 random social thing, 1 language. What it would be, I have the next week or two to figure that one out. Maybe that could be my activity for my procrastination to replace the PMO. And I should actually get off my ass and do it. Will commit to half (if only mentally) by my departure date to Tripoli and the other half by the time I get back.
     
  5. staysweet

    staysweet New Member

    I'm a huge believer in replacing behaviors. It's never enough for me to just say I am going to stop something. I need to replace it with something else.

    Here's the thing though: I do a good job for a while, but then I end up procrastinating the very thing I use to procrastinate other things. I never really stick with something and end up going back to old habits. Let us know how it goes for you, cause I want to know how to get over that time time when the new procrastination activity isn't really appealing anymore.
     
  6. Washingtonian

    Washingtonian New Member

    Day 13:

    @staysweet: I think if you switch it up a lot on what you do, then you're golden (in my experience). That's what I hope to do.

    Just a general check-in: Alice (that's a pseudonym) is leaving day after tomorrow for a few months, and I go off on vacation for a week and Libya soon after. No P or M over the past few days. Well, no P if you don't include the joke my friend played on me... he likes to get a rise out of people, and he directed me to a gay grandfather porn website by saying it was the website of a band I should listen to. They were like 80 years old. At least. That ain't my thing anyways and it was scarring, so I don't count it.

    I sometimes have to jack off to keep it up when I'm with Alice, but she's there and I'm touching her at all times. I don't count that either.

    My hands still keep wandering down there out of force of habit. Pretty good at checking that behavior though.

    Still finding stuff to do. Will probably get into that next week though.
     
  7. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    Be glad that Alice "held your hand" during the first 2 weeks.

    Now you're a "grown boy" and you have to do rest of the path yourself for a couple of months.

    Think you can do it?
     
  8. Washingtonian

    Washingtonian New Member

    @Laurynas: believe me I know how lucky I am. And yes I can do it. Libya will be easier than the US as I'll have people around me at all times. So if the first few weeks are the hardest, then I'm well positioned.

    Day 14- No PM.
     
  9. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    Stay strong and keep it up. ;) You're doing this for currently two most important people in your life. Alice and yourself.
     
  10. I see that you're getting support from the best possible source here (Laurynas).
    What practical measures to prevent you from PMOing have you taken? Have you installed K9 or openDNS? Do you have a detailed schedule for the week and what to do when you're home alone, or when urges come?
    Those things are proving to be essencial for my reboot. I suggest that you apply them to your reboot too.
    Good luck!
     
  11. Washingtonian

    Washingtonian New Member

    @recoveringfromporn - Yeah, I've seen that Laurynas is a good and helpful source. I'm starting with K9, but it's getting in the way of a few things that I like that are innocuous (ie some YouTube videos), so my password is something that makes me pause for a second. My schedule is probably going to be determined after I get back from Libya in late June. I already have a few things identified, but I have something envisioned for 75% of my waking moments - enough time to go to the bars, have spontaneous get togethers, etc. I don't want to become a new me. I want to become the best me, and that's why I don't schedule all of my time to the minute.

    @Laurynas- Thanks for the encouragement!

    Day 15- Alice left to travel for a few months. :-[ No PM, and no more O for a while. :-(
     
  12. That sucks...
    Try to keep up with the reboot, man.
     
  13. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    About time planning - it's impossible to plan 100% of your time, because if you plan minute by minute and something goes wrong - your plans go bye-bye. :) Some simple ABC of planning:
    1) 1st plan your free time activities (hobbies, hanging out with friends, trips). (It's like a motivation to keep you working with more efficiency (productivity)).
    2) Plan you work days (plan 70% of the day and leave 30% for spare time if something pops out - you'll be alright since you had an hour or few free.

    About K9 - I had that problem aswell, that it would block out some of the stuff, but at then I looked at it from a more positive angle and asked myself "Do I really need to watch this?" Answer would become no and I would end up turning it off and saving myself a few minutes.

    Alice left, but just think about it, if you keep it up all this time - the O will be amazing when you meet up with Alice again. Wouldn't it be fantastic? ;)
     
  14. Washingtonian

    Washingtonian New Member

    @Laurynas, Gracias for the advice. As for K9- I know, but it blocks some music that I want to listen to(I use youtube as my itunes).

    Today is hard. More specifically, early this morning was hard. I was hard when I got up. It was the first time in a long time that I had morning wood. And every impulse in my body was to urge it on. But I didn't. I took a shower, I ate breakfast, I planned my day. And now I'm doing what I planned. So far so good.

    So goals for the next nine months:
    -Get good at something athletic again. I was good at swimming in college, but I don't want to do that again. And stick with it.
    -Put on thirty pounds (Yes I'm a skinny fuck)
    -Volunteer work of some sort and stick with it.
     
  15. tig

    tig Guest

    Lemon party?
     
  16. Washingtonian

    Washingtonian New Member

    @tig- exactly.
     
  17. Washingtonian

    Washingtonian New Member

    First off, no one knows that I'm abstaining from masturbation, except for you all. But for those who know my real name, niente.

    All I've done today is think about sex. How to do it. How to get it. Where to do the deed (outside, in the car, in the pool, on a coffee table, in the shower). Problem: I can't in good conscience find an outlet. I know somebody that is not Alice who would help me on that score, but I asked a friend to punch me (only somewhat jokingly) to keep me from pursuing it. My friend said, "Go to the Internet," which was not what I wanted to hear. He said that abstaining is not for him, and also he said one time "personally speaking, it's kind of perverse to keep everything pent up." But he never gets any anyways...

    I'm just dying/going out of control here. I went out to throw a football around, but every women from the age of 14 to 45 provoked an enormous amount of tentage (Where I live there's a bunch of hot women).

    I endure as I will endure
     
  18. Washingtonian

    Washingtonian New Member

    Day 17:

    Things are better today than yesterday, but I blame the bender I went on last night. Not fantasizing like mad as I was yesterday. I consider Day 15 the real start. If 2 weeks in will be the worst (then Day 29), it won't be pretty.

    Have a happy Memorial Day everyone!
     
  19. Don't worry about day 29, man. Just focus one day at a time.
    Have a good Memorial Day too.
     
  20. Washingtonian

    Washingtonian New Member

    Day 18:

    Yesterday, I played football for the first time since high school for about 2 hours. I woke up today with my body aching in a good way. I felt like I accomplished something. It felt amazing.

    I have been wondering about something throughout the past few days. Who are we? Many people think there's this core identity, which I think is true, but I think that the core identity is a series of patterns that reacts to different things. It can be contorted depending on the requirements of the situation. What is the situation dictated by? Largely, the people we interact with. I am because other people are. And other people are defined by the individual elements of the crowd. So they are who they are, because who we are. Sorry to go so meta.

    Due to a lot of different decisions adults around me made from the time I was 3 to the time I was 15, I didn't and still do not have much self-confidence. I went to a psychologist for much of that time. Much later out of sheer morbid curiosity, I requested my school records and the elementary school social worker's notes (I remember her very vividly) said I was apparently constantly teetering between depression and anxiety to a point she had rarely seen at my school and then almost contradictorily I had a sense of self unparalleled in my class. I wonder where that went.

    Part of this entire endeavor is trying to become your best self, your most well-rounded self. Well that is beginning. Or continuing with more resolution than it did before
     

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