Fresh start again ...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by positivef, Jul 11, 2020.

  1. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    I know how that feels! Have a good routine, or even any routine to start off with, is vital.

    Hang in there!
  2. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Thanks again for the replies. Feeling a little better than before. I realise I've been quite negative in my last posts. Part of that is not being grateful for what i do have.

    Still working out how to be more productive and organised. I watched another of Better Than Yesterday video - 'Use Laziness To Your Advantage - The 20 Second Rule'. Which is basically saying make things you want to do harder to start, and things you do want to do easier to start. So I've made my computer slightly harder to switch on by unplugging it. I'm not allowing myself to turn it on unless I've got a plan of what I'm doing for the day, and what if anything I'll be doing on the computer.

    Last night I had a relapse dream. I don't know if it was because I read about Shady having one and it entered my subconscious. In the dream I was looking at porn and somewhat enjoying it, but I felt something was off. I then realised that I was supposed to be abstaining. Later in the dream my family found out about my porn usage. Naturally I felt shame. Shortly after that I woke up.

    Perhaps it's because the urges have been stronger for the day couple of days. They have been fairly strong today too.
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  3. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Agree. Focus on what matters and just get it done. You'll feel so much better about yourself afterwards. Any luck with finding a place to move to yet?
  4. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Haha, no that is something I need to prioritise. The move is scheduled to take place mid-December. But I need to find a place soon, else the opportunity will close.
  5. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Good news, I've made to it 90 days hard mode for the first time (probably in my adult life). Previously, I've only tried abstaining from porn. The longest I managed to abstain from porn before is about six months. Using hard mode I feel less likely to fall in. Probably because I'm a step further away. In the past, a relapse could be triggered by fantasizing followed by masturbation.

    Bad news, this week and today I've had urges to relapse. Last night I had a sexual dream that wasn't healthy. I'm really hoping to make a longer stretch without porn.

    I've been working planning my daily routine a little better and avoiding focus-less surfing. It's been okay apart from today, hopefully I can keep it going on improving next week. I had a Zoom meeting and forgot to lock my computer/turn it off awards. So that's something to be mindful of.
  6. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Congratulations on 90 days, positivef! That’s really a great start. Happy to see you are holding on. Keep it up! If PAWS really happen with porn, then you are right into this. Better days await you, so just keep doing what you are doing. You seem to be feeling a little better, glad to see this too. Take care!
    positivef likes this.
  7. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hi positivef, congratulations on reaching the warrior's 90 day hardmode !
    positivef likes this.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

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  9. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Thanks for all the support it really helps. :)

    @Bilbo Baggins you are right I need to keep going and push through the difficult periods. I'm not expecting quick fixes when I've been addicted so long.
  10. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Congrats positivef, remember that on the other side of this difficult period is an equally positive one
    positivef likes this.
  11. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Thanks @UK Don , and congrats yourself. I'd be happy with a bit of calm.
  12. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

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  13. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Congrats positivef! Do you feel any different after doing hard mode vs just abstaining from porn?
    positivef likes this.
  14. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Thanks. It don't feel that different. It feels less like I'm going to fail, as mentioned. I'm flatlining, probably worse than from just abstainence. I only had one good erection recently. Could be a sign of some rewiring going on. Yesterday I felt a bit maniac. I think I'm missing the high now, got to get used to lower levels of stimulation.
  15. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Mornings have been hard. I've always found it hard to get out of bed in the morning, in the past I have used porn and or masturbation as motivation to start the day. This morning a fantasized for quite a while. Note to self, I need to kick that to the curb and use positive thoughts and stronger will power to get going.
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  16. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    I think you are doing well! We all have things to improve, it’s normal. And you seem to be dealing well with your reboot, that’s really good. Have a good day, friend, keep it up.
    positivef likes this.
  17. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Friday wasn't a good day for me. I fell into spending too long on the computer again. It got late with very little of my to do list done. I felt frustrated at myself, and at the lack of progress. I turned the computer off. My flat mate was making a noise that I find annoying. For some reason this minor thing ended up being a trigger. I'm ashamed to say anger swelled up inside me, I took a plate and slammed it down on my desk. It smashed into my keyboard, scattering fragments and popping keys.

    I think this is to do with frustrations not having a proper outlet. I had slacked on my jogging routine for several days. I also lack the skills to properly express my emotions. Looking back it seems odd that, in the moment, I acted so childishly.
  18. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    I think what you did is way better than relapsing. For guys like us who deal with porn addiction, almost anything is better than PMO. Just to make sure I understood you properly, when you meant the noise was a trigger, you meant trigger to watch porn, right? If it’s the case, then good job on this.

    As for anger and outlets, I’d say I realized after a few months of no PMO that rebooting is also about trying to fix my life in many aspects. Maybe it’s just me... But to see it’s taking so much time to heal from ED has made me understand that it also takes a long time to fix other issues as well. For instance, I have been working for a while with a metronome to improve my sense of rhythm on the guitar. I do it everyday, and the progress has been so slow that I almost can’t notice any improvements. Of course, my rhythm has improved, but the process is very gradual, it takes a lot of time. Same thing with professional matters: after many years of instability and doubt, I am finally starting to get interesting job offers. These are just a few examples, but I think we have to realize that almost everything in life takes a lot of time. Fixing ED can take 1 or 2 years for a porn addict (I mean 1 or 2 years during which you do the right things)... That’s a pretty long time! So we have to try to make new habits and leave our comfort zone, and be patient, because it will take time before we reap the fruits of our efforts. I’d say the key is stopping to feel hopeless about everything and trying to gradually improve things in our lives.

    I really think you are doing well, positivef. You are able to analyse yourself and the way you act, which is a good ingredient to bring change into your life. I would recommend to try creating new habits and having projects, and to be patient, and not too perfectionist. When we start something new, we are never good in it. With time, though, we will see improvements, as with fixing PIED, and as almost everything else in our lives.

    Be well, friend.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 18, 2020
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  19. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Checking in, a better week in terms of dealing with anger. I have a another opportunity to move house. The place I intend to move to needs a lot of work. I'm helping to do the work (and being paid for it). So I have been spending reasonable amount of time on something constructive.

    I big problem is that I used porn for every emotion. So even when I feel okay I feel tempted back. Note to self, if I just want to chill it is better to read, or do something offline than aimlessly surfing. I managed to kill off a morning sexual fantasy that was growing in my mind, so that's a positive.

    Doing work to make the house ready has thrown off what little routine I had. I need to get back into doing regular exercise.
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  20. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Good news, friend. It’s always nice to read about a fellow rebooter who’s doing good. You seem to be feeling a little better every week, I am really glad for you. Keep going, and good luck with your new house.
    positivef likes this.

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