Fresh start again ...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by positivef, Jul 11, 2020.

  1. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Checking in. These last couple of mornings when I'm waking up I've problems with wanting to masturbate, almost falling in by nearly encouraging stimulation. The old demon of 'does it still work?' popping up. I need to recognise this problem and kick it to the curb.

    I surprised that my testicles don't feel that different - in the past when I abstained from masturbation I think they did. Maybe it's because I'm older now. I am more or less flatlining as expected and this in some ways make abstinence easier.

    Final thought, I've got to get quicker at letting sexual thoughts pass when I see random women on the street.
     
  2. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear you're still jogging - keep building healthy habits.

    You mentioned you're feeling frustrated at your living situation. What did you mean by that?
     
    positivef likes this.
  3. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Thanks, I'm working on creating a healthy routine. But it's taking a long time, consistency is a big issue. I'm hoping to expand it from the physical into the mental realm too.

    I share a house with a friend. But it isn't ideal as it's near a busy road and too noisy car washes that make my tinnitus worse. It is also the house I lived in with my ex, so has too many memories. I get on well with my friend but it's easy for little annoyances to grow. Also, he will be studying a distance course full time next year - which means he will be at the house 90% of of the time.

    However, good news, I may have the chance to move out in the next two or three months. It will be a lot of work - I have piles to junk to sort out and chuck. But I fresh start, or at least a change of scenery/company, will be most welcome.

    - - -

    Still struggling not lingering on sexual thoughts. I was reading in the park yesterday, and I've noticed how broken my concentration has become. My mind wanders and then I start noticing the passerbys. . . I think a porn addict always allows sexual thoughts to trump thinking about anything else. Now I need to retrain my focus not it get constantly interrupted by other thoughts, be they sexual or other off topic musings.

    Tied to this is I need to drop any pretense, such as being single, that I am some how justified to dwell on sex fantasies.
     
    TrueSelf likes this.
  4. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    From what you've described, your housemate doesn't sound too bad, at least he's not rowdy or overly messy. But I can understand living there brings back painful memories about your ex. And the fact the noise of the local area worsens the ringing in your ears isn't ideal. So hopefully you will get an opportunity to move. Sorting out those piles of junk (and throwing away what you don't need) will be therapeutic.
     
  5. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Yes, a job that is well over due!
     
  6. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    So I now need to plan to ensure I have got rid of the majority of my stuff over the next eight weeks before I move - to ensure I'm not just moving junk from place to place. I also need to find somewhere to move to, plan A didn't materialize.

    I'm more of less flatline lining, not interested in sex but at the same time missing the dopamine. Now I've put a couple weeks distance between me and porn use I need to ensure random spikes of craving for weird masturbation don't slip me up.
     
  7. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    I feel close to relapsing. I have little hope in the long term. Clovis6's post about values helped a bit, I just don't know if I strong enough to care about or generate values.
     
  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    positivef, it's good that you came here to post instead of relapsing. Summoning the strength to say no is harder some days than others. You're doing so well, brother. Take a breath, leave your computer, and do something else until this feeling passes. If our only value is that we care enough about ourselves to stop giving in to this addiction, then that is a mighty value indeed. Hang in there, man. I know it's difficult, but it's so worth it.
     
    positivef likes this.
  9. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    If you are able to achieve 71 days, then that should give you some hope for the long term. Even if that streak is to end, and I hope it doesn’t, it has still shown that you can for for a period of time without relapsing. Looking into values has definitely helped me. And although U an using a counter, taking it a day at a time helps greatly. So rather than be too concerned about the long-term, take it a day at a time and look into what you can do to actively work on your reboot. Hope that helps.
     
    positivef likes this.
  10. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Active Member

    Hold on, man. I relate to you a lot: I have been a pretty depressed guy for many years, and I feel hopeless most of the time too. It seems everybody always have more fun than me; it seems everybody has a purpose and a place but me. I gotta say, though, that this has improved recently. If what they say about addiction and PAWS is real, then it’s more than normal to feel like shit after 71 days of rebooting. We are just not used to feeling well. That’s what addictions do: they turn us into suffering beings, unable to enjoy life. I also suspect that this tendency was part of our character before we fell into the webs of addiction. It could come from very old and bad life experiences, and a flawed upbringing, who knows. I think sensibility and lucidity come with a cost, too. That’s why poets and musicians are most of the time unhappy people... You must have special talents and qualities, too. Otherwise, you would just live your life without ever feeling that something is wrong.

    Stay strong, friend. Stay strong, and try to cope with life. You see, deep inside, I know it’s up to me to learn how to enjoy life, or at least to do something with it. I don’t know why it seems natural for others and not for me, but I know that it’s nobody’s fault. It has never been easy to enjoy things, to feel excitement and enthusiasm. But at least I am starting to realize this. There are flaws in my character, otherwise I would not have felt depressed and hopeless for so long. I have been rebooting for almost 6 months, and only recently have I realized the importance of learning to keep my head up and improve myself as a person. It’s not just about staying away from porn, it’s about learning to cope with life and taming this tendency towards constant desperation.

    I hope that makes sense to you. As I said, I relate to you a lot. That’s why I took the time to write this. Take care, friend.
     
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  11. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Thanks for all the replies, they help a lot!

    Despite what I posted earlier there is a part of me that cares, I just need to give it enough energy to live.

    Well I haven't relapsed despite being in the mental state and circumstances that in the past could of facilitated it. In a way hard mode is easier. Once masturbating is allowed it only too easy to start touching yourself when arousing images are on screen or only a click away.

    The down side is I've got next to fuck all done today and I need to work on processing my depression which has been flaring up.
     
  12. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Active Member

    Good luck with this, friend. Depression and hopelessness really suck, and it seems it takes a long time before things return to normal. I made quitting PMO my priority, because I believe it contributes a lot to depression, anxiety and depression. I try to see this as a temporary period (I am talking about PAWS and depression) and that helps me go through the rough days. But this process really takes a lot of time.
    Stay strong, you are doing well.
     
    positivef likes this.
  13. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    I thinking straining your focus is a great idea. Most folks focus is pretty shot through even without porn due to social media, gadgets etc. always grabbing our attention.
     
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  14. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    @Bilbo Baggins - I hadn't heard of Post-Acute-Withdrawal Syndrome before. Thanks, for the reminder that I need to give this time, not just on the addiction and sex drive front, but also for healthy emotions.

    @Clovis6 - thanks, any tips on training focus?

    Any advice on how to keep going? I've gotten to a couple of months free before, but have always relapsed within about six months. This is the first time I've gone hard mode, and also the first time I've really working on squashing fantasies originating from stimuli both in meat and cyber space.
     
    Rebootian likes this.
  15. Rebootian

    Rebootian New Member

    I booked myself into a 10 day vipassana retreat this summer hoping it would contribute in a big way yo solving my porn problem. Then that bastard Covid19 went and ruined that plan!
    Did you have a good experience? I've heard it's really tough, but great for addicts (it was instrumental in John Frusciante kicking smack I hear)
     
  16. Rebootian

    Rebootian New Member

    "Breaking the cycle" by George Collins has some great tips on dealing with this. I listened to the audiobook which was really good and insightful. Check it out!
     
    positivef likes this.
  17. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    I like the idea of having, say one day a week, as a dopamine break for the internet. I realised the importance of this from the ... Doing Hard Things video. Things like YouTube, News sites etc can be dopamine drip feeds - similar to porn, only at lower levels. The trouble is I need to work on having a good routine, or at least a routine, my life is too chaotic at the moment.

    One important thing that video states, that I have absorbed mentally but not manifest, is to do the important tasks of the day first.
     
  18. Rebootian

    Rebootian New Member

    I've always found when life is chaotic for me I am most at risk. My mind is busy and skittish. I'm a Marketing and Communications Manager so all day long I'm spinning plates!

    I would focus on just trying to change one thing at a time. Set a reasonable time of day to mono-task. Ususally a walk outside in nature and put everything into that activity.

    What we need to achieve is a sense of groundedness and focus which brings better awareness. But in modern culture we are always ON and always thinking about what is to come or what has already gone. None of which we have control of. We can control the now, but we so often overlook it.
     
  19. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Depressed as fuck. Just back from a two day break. Part of my foreskin is sore, maybe chafed from all the walking. Moderate to strong urges this morning.
    Need to start concentrating on doing the most important tasks first.
     
  20. Rebootian

    Rebootian New Member

    @positivef be kind to yourself today buddy, you are doing so well! Stay strong. Revisit your plan, connect with others where possible. Watch those urges as they thrive in isolation and love to be hidden. Be honest, be seen and make contact with others
     
    realness and positivef like this.

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