Fresh At 30

Greetings everyone!

I've only participated in a concussion forum after having my head kicked in for wearing pink. Thankfully, I've somewhat recovered from that incident and the neuroplasticity research I was doing made me to look at my personal sexual response.
Where to begin... I just turned 30 years old. My first exposure to porn was through file-share in like 1999? It was pretty limited, and then around 2007 I had my own computer and totally ramped up porn viewing.
I've actually always had a fairly low libido. Hmmm, maybe I should rephrase - I've always had a strong locus of control when it came to urges and perhaps I frequently relieved myself as a social function. The loaded gun analogy comes to mind. However, what started out as recreational porn viewing escalated until I was getting off to things that were so incongruent to my personality and I started worrying about the effects of porn on my mind.

That, and I've notice a seminal leakage issue. Like, I'll come close to orgasm, hold off but I'll still have some semen slip and I'll have to replace a condom. Having said this, my sexual response to partners was met with some trepidation as there's been times where I've had performance issues which really take the fun out of hook-ups and they're a great source of insecurity and embarrassment. It's actually made me turn down chances for fear that things physically won't work out and I'd rather just get off by myself (to porn *gasp*) When I started researching the physiology for seminal leakage and read "weakening of the parasympathetic sexual nerve" due to over-stimulation, I really started taking my lifestyle seriously.

I knew my use erotic materials was getting out of hand. One of my first outlets online was sex chat - which actually was mind blowing amazing at times. Literary stimulus was insanely erotic at one point, but like porn - that stimulus had to become greater and greater and the roleplays were getting more and more extreme. There were several nights of being up until 4 or 5am... I just couldn't get off anymore, or at least it'd take a very talented writer and long gone were the days of being rock hard whilst typing. Man... human beings can really make some bizarre sexual adaptation.

So after a lackluster orgasm I abstained for days. I didn't have an official start, I just didn't have any motivation nor desire to attempt to masturbate. That was frightening, and unlike many journals I've read - I didn't experience any withdrawl. I guess I was just at a point of extreme exhaustion. Well, I tried to make some kind of tally... my calculation is like day 8? I just came back from a 3-day road trip and I noticed when I came back to a computer there was a habituary compulsion to look up erotica. It took some resistance but not much as I'm taking this pretty seriously.

But then it happened, I clicked on a Facebook profile of someone I'm kinda interested in and there was this photo of her just sitting across the table and her eyes had this warmth & depth, and her mouth was slightly curved in a smile - and I felt this mammalian attachment when I looked at this totally non-erotic picture. It's like my brain has already started to re-organize itself, or it's the 8 days of 0-porn and strict mental control on any kind of fantasy and I'm just insanely deprived.

I feel like I'm getting way too honest here but there was a non-lust attraction. I didn't even think of sex but I wound up getting the craziest hard-on which maintained itself as I tried to lookup "Reboot" advice pertaining to masturbation. It was discouraged, but I ended up climbing into bed and masturbating without any mental imagery.

Now I feel like I'm getting way to honest. But I just had the most rewarding sexual experience since my relationship 2 years ago: The timeline when I started to view porn on the side again and noticed a direct detriment to my arousal and perception of my partner.
I just found myself so much more responsive to touch, had a mega-powerful orgasm that left me laughing and feeling that this is one of the first times that I've gotten off without porn. What a relief...

So fellow men, I'm starting in a unique place for this reboot and it's only 8 days in and I'm finding I can say with total conviction that I never want to view porn again. It'd be a dream to feel this good all the time and I'm greatly encouraged at the potential of self-worth, productivity and (fingers-crossed) resurgence of libido and healthy desire!

Thank you all for posting your uplifting stories. I fear that I'm being naive for feeling a degree of success and pride for being 8 days in and I really hope to not disappoint on further progress.

Many thanks and all the best!
StartingAt30

 

Very interesting story you have there.

I couldn't agree with you more about how odd we are as sexual creatures. The peculiar things we manage to sexualize is stunning. You say you feel as though you are at a point of "extreme exhaustion." I have felt I was at that point before, but desire seems to go in waves eventually. I hope you never lose sight of your goal. Remember the determination you are feeling right now and hold on to it!

 

Thanks to Code_of_Error and The Underdog for the encouraging feedback!

So it's day 10. Ummm, what's a good euphemism for relapse?
Actually, I've abstained from porn which feels great and I haven't actually had much desire to seek it out. I've actually reached a turning point after tracing back to the onset of physiological issues and its directly related to pornography.

As far as abstaining from orgasms... Well, I've kinda botched that 3 times in the past 24 hours. The bright side: No problems pertaining to arousal and response. Although, I still have premature orgasms and seminal leakage which I can't hold back. That was never an issue before with past partners and I'm not sure how to counter that or if it's irreparable. Anyone else have those issues?

Any wow... After resisting orgasm for a period of time, I sure can tell the difference when things get overdone. Those monks might be on to something, I'm totally exhausted. Good to note.

 

Alright... So I'm on a bit of a losing streak here. And it's kind of frightening how things escalate when your guard goes down. I'm totally into text-based erotica and spent two hours going through it. My body kinda gave up, and I still really wanted to get off and I turned to pornography in the heat of the moment.
I've been really good at avoiding erotica, but alas... this really is like an addiction and after a binge weekend I'm having a really hard time staying focussed.
Tomorrow... Day one commences.

All the best,
SA30

 

I think that relapsing is inevitable on the path to recovery and that each relapse is a learning experience and not a failure. For example I am now much more aware of my triggers and am getting good at noticing them when they arise and distracting myself.

 

Again, it's so great to have support from kind people from the far reaches. Thank you.
I noticed I'm having a way harder time, and it's much harder to focus. I'm also extremely fatigued, irritable, depressed and just wanting to be on the cusp of orgasm again.
It's really bizarre to think how conditioned and habitual I was. Going a week without P/M/O felt really great and my mood was a lot more steady and buoyant.

Does anyone else fear the sexual flatline period as having negative consequence? I guess I've just heard that it's healthy to relieve tension frequently. And I guess the fear of not returning from the flatline period is terrifying.

You guys are an inspiration. Thank you.

 

Starting over...
So after a couple start, stops and relapses - it's day 3.
I feel like my first 8 day stint didn't even count as it was totally easy as I wasn't feeling well and really lacked any libido. This however is, uncomfortable, consuming and taking tremendous willpower to get through the day. And oh my god... my balls feel like they've been kicked. It's physically painful and I'm doing my best to keep my mind clear, abstaining from fantasy - although, I've still checked messages from an online dating site and I'm trying to not look at pictures and just correspond through text.

There's an upside to this, I feel hopeful that things will balance themselves and I'm really trying to poison the idea of pornography to myself. Having willpower and all these crazy imbalances is kinda ummm.. refreshing? Torturous, but it feels good to be taking charge of myself and recognizing triggers. If I don't relapse I'll be keeping my progress posted.
After a long abstinence stint, is it encouraged to masturbate without sexual fantasy and attempting to get aroused by just touch alone?
All the best, guys.

 

Day 4:
I'm edgy, irritable, depressed, fatigued and when I napped I must have release some precum.
This is something awful
It took a whole lot of willpower to not look up erotic fiction as a substitute for porn, but I'm writing here instead and going to work on a creative project.
Hanging in there...
All the best,

 

Keep it up. My process has revolved around removing any chance of seeing porn (short of the professional actual filters, because they cost money and my CC is still part of my parents account and my dad is nosy) and so I have found that I have simply cut myself off from situations where I could masturbate. This means that I have been spending far more time next door hanging out with my neighbors, and instead of studying by myself in my room I study at the library. I realize you may not be a student and so your situation may be a bit different, but I find that a big part of my addiction was habit. I often catch myself walking home thinking well, I'll wipe down the table, read a bit, then mastur... wait a minute! Same early on with porn. It was just such a habit that I got bored, opened a tab and started typing a url and caught myself. I have also avoided sexually explicit films/tv shows to avoid any triggers, but have fallen into the occasional FB photo trap. Considering all the women are real, I'm not masturbating to it and they have all their clothes on, I think I'm ok there.

So sorry to invade your space a bit, but I can sympathize. I have not had the withdrawal symptoms either, I went through 7 days of much heightened libido, had oral sex, then heightened libido for another week and now I have been working a lot and spending time with friends so its dropped a bit. Stay strong, get out of your old routines.

 

Are you sure of what exactly your triggers are? When do the urges occur normally? I noticed that mine typically occur after I have my dinner and I'm at my computer--so, I made the resolution not to use my computer after dinner (except to look at this site, for now anyway). Just try to make small changes so it seems like less of an exercise in will power, you see what I'm saying?