Free from Suffering

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Professor Chaos, Nov 11, 2012.

  1. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 76

    Thanks Malc, right back at ya, matey.

    Zero interest in P at the moment. Girls are orbiting back into my life again. Beautiful women who like to flirt. I should post about about my realizations about the opposite sex. Anyway I have noticed an upsurge in drive and motivation. This mirrors a lesson from my last 10 day Vipassana retreat, things always got worse, before they got better. I'd always have a dip when I thought I was slipping backwards, then I'd surge forward with some massive progress.

    Today I feel really energised. Did a fantastic yoga class yesterday. Nice and simple, covering all the basics. It was a good slow pace. Man, 20 years of tension built up in my muscles, gonna take a while before that starts to melt away. I do notice a lot of tension in my body when I'm meditating, especially over the chest. Exercise helps. Currently doing a very basic workout. Run and push ups every other day. This is in prep for some more serious training later in the year, but I gotta ease back into it. I know myself and that I have a tendency to be all or nothing. ie Unless I do it perfectly, it's not worth doing.

    The great lesson I've have learnt in the past 18 months is that it's OK not to know, to keep growing and that I don't need to get it right first time. Progress and practice is the secret to success.

  2. Hey bud. That tension in the chest sounds like the anxiety I'm finding when I'm in bed. I find myself very aware of my heartbeat and my chest feels tight. Is it the same thing?
  3. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Yeah, it might be. I know that in Hindu Yoga, that it's refereed to as the heart Shakra or Anahata. It's the core of love and feeling, at least in that religious practice. I think it's also a place where we store tension.

    For me it always feels solid and tight, although as I have progressed in my meditation it's become more... open. It would make sense to me that this would be blocked or solid. I think it's where we cling to life the most and in doing so, end up choking ourselves of it. You'll notice that when people are distressed they rub that centre part of the body, it's certainly a store for a lot of pain. I think that's what people are referring too when they say a broken heart, it's not the heart as in the organ itself, but that centre where you feel pressure and panic.

    If you can Hammer, maybe try some simple relaxation exercises before you go to bed. I was taught some by a therapist I was seeing and that really helped me a lot. I was amazed how tight my muscles were before I slept.

    Also I know that bed and just before sleep that M'ing was a way I used to relax, it's taken a while to get past that, but now I can fall asleep quite easily.

  4. I've considered it. I once did yoga at school many years ago and it worked a charm. I did look at an app called buddifhy but wasn't drawn in. Might pop down to the library and research some exercises.
  5. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    I've found a bunch of good yoga workouts online. Get yoga mat, set up ipad and away you go :)

    Good luck with your research.

  6. Shampal

    Shampal Member

    This is indeed a great lesson for people like us. I also came to realize it as I am mostly a perfectionist and I have to read many books on the subject before I even start to do it. But nowdays I have changed the routine by starting to do and experiencing and then more knowledge and adjusting ehat I do. This way is much better and enjoyable.
  7. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 81

    Hey Shampal, I wouldn't be surprised if a large number of people on this forum fall into that category. Caught myself slipping a bit today. Edging around google image search (nothing pornographic) but looking up sexy pictures. Caught myself early enough and fired up stayfocused, blocking all the sites that aren't work related (it has this great NUKE function) That was all I needed to take a breather.

    Noticed that I am super horny at the moment. Really attracted to women and them seem very attracted to me. Haven't really done the whole 'bump and grind' since October. Also no P, M or O for the last 81 days makes me think that I should be losing my shit. But meditation really helps and gets me focused. Still feeling a bit sluggish in the mornings and I've been noticing a kind of brain fog going on. Still hard to get out of bed, but I'm getting work done. Hope everyone else is doing well.

    I signed up for a Fap-Free Feb. I noticed that I hesitated when signing up. I think there was some unconscious desire that was brought out into the open by my decision to join. (ie, we'll make it to 90 days and then back to fapping) Glad to be pushing on through to 100 days.

    Merton likes this.
  8. Good luck getting to 100, man. You've done 81 days nofap, why not sign up to fap free feb :)

    Google image search can be a killer.
  9. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Yeah, I did. But I noticed that I hesitated before I did. I thought that was an interesting unconscious response. Strange how the mind works.

  10. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 82

    I woke up this morning, convinced I had relapsed. I even had the 'evidence' sitting on the floor. I was depressed and angry with myself. Trying to deal with the idea of resetting my counter, trying to figure out how to tell you guys. I was wandering around the supermarket in my Pyjamas, waiting to buy fruit, part of me feeling the urge to just have a full on binge. I was also wondering how much they were going to charge me for parking my helicopter at the airport. I had no idea that helicopter rotor blades could easily be detached to make storage easier.

    And then I actually woke up. Waking up in a dream and not realizing you're still dreaming is an odd experience, especially when I kept looking at the 'evidence' (a soiled t-shirt) that this had just happened. I felt so cheated as the actual action seemed so automatic. Prior to this I had woken up with some serious morning wood. I must at bit aside from some tension in my jaw I'm quite relieved.

    On a lighter note, I had a group of beautiful young artists fawning over my sketchbook last night, telling me awesome I was. Gotta say that was certainly a boost to my ego. My calendar is filling up with events and activities. 2014 is shaping up to be a really busy year.

    Hope you're all doing well.

  11. That is one surreal dream man. The kind you get free a cheese and wine combo before you go to bed. I'm glad you're still going strong. Also, with interest like that, it sounds like a rewire isn't too far a reach.

  12. Shampal

    Shampal Member

    Hi PC

    I like the way you are handling things. I see positive changes happening in your life. Congratulate yourself and continue stronger than ever.
  13. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 91,

    Wow, 90 days is a new personal best for me. I think I'll take a minute to pat myself on the back. Just wanted to thank you all for your support. Watched the movie Don Jon last night. It was OK at presenting this as a problem and I identified with some of the aspects of the film. Overall I felt it was too over the top to be taken seriously. It felt a bit like a parody. The main thing I took away from it was a scene in which he's asked why he likes P so much. His response... 'to lose myself in it'. I think that is a lot of why I did it. Nothing compares and I can just get 'lost' in it. So here I am 91 days fap and P free. Feels rather strange.

    I hope everyone else is doing well. Stay strong.

    Merton likes this.
  14. Malcc

    Malcc Guest

    Damn right! Definitely deserve to give yourself some credit, inspiring mate.
  15. Congrats on 90 days, PC. When starting out, I looked at all those counters and it looked impossible. I was very wrong. Keep going!
  16. Shampal

    Shampal Member

    Congradulations on 90 days PC! I hope to reach my first 90 days also soon.
  17. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    and just like that... back to zero.

  18. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Gotta find away to look after myself. Gotta be kind to myself. Feeling numb. Numb and sick. Numb and sick and stupid. I have to teach tomorrrow. I gotta shake this feeling. Gotta get back on the horse. Can't beat myself up. Can't let depression win. :(


  19. You still made it the 90 days. Don't beat yourself up on it, you've still reaped the benefits.
  20. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Thanks man. I actually made it to 101 days, so onwards and upwards. Feeling much better today and even though I didn't get much sleep I haven't lapse into a full on P binge. I'll keep you guys updated as I go. Each time I've done this (with the occasional bump) it's gotten longer and longer without PMO.

    Hope everyone is doing OK.


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