Free from Suffering

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Professor Chaos, Nov 11, 2012.

  1. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 60.

    So here I stand. So far from the shore. There's no going back. Today I almost tipped out of my boat. In fact I was sure I was going to. If there is one thing that I have learnt from all this it's how shifting our mental states can be. I'm still holding it all together. Barely, but I'm still working on it. I had an old girlfriend staying with me last week. Having someone close to you come and stay can make a huge difference. I'm also about to face a big upheaval at work. I was almost certain that I would come home tonight and succumb to PMO.

    A couple of days ago I was browsing Youtube videos before bed and slipped into viewing some clothed pics of a fetish of mine. It wasn't enough for me to go further and I closed my laptop. There is always such a strong temptation to 'peak'. But what that did was that it opened a gateway in my mind. That was enough for urges to come surging back. Almost to the point of wanting to take control. Also feeling so low that I wanted to do ANYTHING to feel better. To take the edge off.

    Today, I was certain I was going to fail. But, by the time I'd gotten home, the urges had passed. I had dinner and called my dad and talked for an hour. I lie here in bed. Writing this update. I know I've weathered the storm again. Each time I see one coming, I know I'm becoming a better sailor on the sea of my emotions. I will not sink. I will not drown. I will keep my head above water. Just a few more minutes... just a few more minutes before the storm passes.

  2. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 61.

    Feeling much more stable today. Woke up this morning feeling really positive and energized. Things to do this weekend to keep me busy. To keep me positive. Even though going through some big changes at work. Hope everyone else is doing OK.

    @Weeds in the garden. Thank you so much for your suggestion. I don't think I need to each any more sugar, but it is super important to reward yourself and I think that's what I need to take time to do.

    Best wishes to you all and keep fighting the good fight.

  3. Regenesis

    Regenesis Out of the vortex

    Hi PC

    I got a lot out of reading your journal and it gives me real hope to see that you have battled your demons to make it this far. I think that you still have some challenges ahead but you are on the right path and have the right attitude and will learn a lot about yourself in the process.

    Are you still meditating? Have you found meditation to be helpful with fighting the urges and dealing with the anxiety? Are there any other benefits? I too suffer from anxiety and mild panic attacks and wondered whether you felt that meditation was helpful in this process. I also struggle to implement meditation as a daily practice - any advice there?

    Thanks for inspiring,
  4. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Hi Regenesis,

    Thanks for your reply and for your support. I do need to get back into the regular habit of meditation. It certainly helps clear the mind and assists with focus. If you are just starting out I recommend taking it in small steps. Start with 5 mins , then 10, then 15 then 20. Just get into the habit. Set an alarm on your phone or device for a time that best suits you and maybe get a small cushion that you want to use. The trick is to get into a process where you just do it as part of your everyday routine. ie.

    Get up, meditate, brush teeth, shower, etc.

    Try to do it the same time every day.

    Just focus on your breathing and if you live in a noisy house you may want to download some background sounds to help drown out distractions. (ie rain sounds or nature sounds or something similar, I don't do this now, but it helped when I first started)

    Also, If you have a Smart Phone set it to 'flight mode' That way you won't get any texts or emails, but you can still use the timer on your phone. Reduces distractions. Hope that helps.

  5. hotspur

    hotspur New Member

    Just checking in, hope all is well with you.
  6. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 1.

    I'm back. Shakes fist at the sky!

  7. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 1.

    "And so you're back, from outta space, I just walk in to find you here with that sad look upon your face..."

    Howdy chums, did ya miss me? I've been off having adventures, travelled to Vietnam, met new people, rekindled my love of art, started making stuff again. Learning and growing. I've been intermittently slipping back into using P again. Nothing as bad as my previous binges. Last night I had gone a week without P and then I snapped and binged until to 2am. Seems the longer I leave it the stronger the urge gets.

    The most important thing I have found to do on this journey is be kind to yourself. It's very easy to demonize P and make it the source of all the woe in your life. To make everything into a huge battle. But life is made and won in increments. So with that said, I'm setting myself a simple short term goal. Two weeks without P.

    It's time to set up firewalls and a few failsafes and try and be P-Free heading up to Christmas. I doubt anyone is still reading this thread, but if you are, thank you for your time. This is mostly a record for myself and to help keep myself accountable. I will keep you updated as I go.

    Kind Regards
  8. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    I'm back as well, though in different circumstances.

    I hope to see you through this reboot til you can get this under control.

    Good luck PC
  9. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member


    Awesome dude. Glad to hear you are still hanging in there. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. :)

  10. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

  11. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    It happens. I will be here to talk to bro.

    I'm battling loneliness, you're battling P, we're in this together man!
  12. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 4.

    Today was a good day. Meditation, running in the rain, more training, yoga and good food. Feeling on top of things today and this is shaping up to be a busy week. There is definitely a link for me between Internet Binging, P and Depression. The day after my last P binge I felt pretty awful. Not so much guilty as just really low. It was a complete write off. My mood was low and my depression was back. Dark things crawling up from the corners of my brain and whispering negative chatter.

    I've been using this Chrome extension. 'Stay focused' and it's really been helping me focus and concentrate. Amazing how easy it is to get pulled into the all to compelling, every changing world of the Internet. Feels good to be back in the saddle, but it's easy when you're calm. P urges come in waves. At the moment, I'm in the calm place. Here's hoping it stays that way.

    Hope everyone else is well.

    PC out.
  13. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 5.

    Waves coming in and out. Waves of fantasy, waves of craving. Each of these seem to pass if I give them no fuel. They are not as intense as they have been in the past. The are mixed in with sexual desire. Hunger for a physical encounter. But once the waves pass there is calm and piece. They are just waves and I just have to ride them out. It is about this time that the P demon starts thrashing around and wanting to be feed.

    Going out to a party tonight. Should be some good prospects to meet people and have a good time. Gotta let go of attachment. Gotta keep going.

  14. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    Just don't end up inebriated in front of your computer Chaos, we all know how that can end up.
  15. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Ha, :)

    That shouldn't be a problem as I don't drink alcohol, But thank you for your concern. :) Drinking and web-surfing is never a good idea.

  16. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 9.

    Today was pretty brutal. I'm out of the honey moon period. I could feel the old symptoms of withdrawal kicking in.

    1. Extreme negative self chatter.
    2. Fear and Panic (fast breathing)
    3. Thinking obsessively about P and elaborate fantasies involving constructing my own.
    4. Rationalizing my P use.
    5. Violent and destructive thoughts. Not things I would take action on, but almost just like noise in my head (F**k that guy F**k, that person...)
    6. Headaches.

    There's a part of me that really doesn't want to go through this again. To deal with this alone. I'd never had a problem with clinical anxiety and depression until I tried to kick my P habit. I feel like I must be insane to want to invite that back into my life.

    It's also difficult to see a light at the end of the tunnel, when I am not even certain that this will lean to any sort of major life improvement. I have no mental template for myself of what it's like to be P free.

    Sorry to be such a downer in my post, but I think I have an idea what the road ahead looks like and it's a dark forest I'm walking back into.

    There are periods though were I do feel more lucid. I've learnt that when I start feeling really down I do something quickly to change my state. Watch an episode of a TV show I like or listen to some music that I love. That seems to turn down the 'noise'.

    Hope everyone else is enjoying their weekend.

  17. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 10.

    Much better today. Did an hours meditation this morning and that really cleared my head. Still had a couple of shaky moments, but overall I think I'm doing really well. Less sexual thoughts and when they did pop up, didn't have much trouble pushing them out of my mind.

    Overall feeling much stronger and more confident. :)

  18. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 14.

    Just realized it's been over a year since I first joined this forum. What a rollar-coaster.

    Been feeling tired and a bit headachy at the moment, but I feel calmer and stronger this time around. I'm in such a better place than I was a year ago. I've rediscovered the joy of making art for myself. Of creating and drawing again. Re-connecting with what I like and what I love. Yes, I've slipped up in the past, but I think that I'm really making progress. Meditation is helping a huge amount and I had a lovely moment of profound stillness this morning. Wonderful to feel so at peace.

    Hope everyone else is doing well.

  19. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 17.

    Well this is about my third or fourth attempt at a reboot. What I'm noticing this time around is that I'm much more sure what to expect. As a result of that, I'm much more mindful. I can simply see when depression or anxiety arise and understand that those thoughts will arise and they will pass.

    I'm much more away of how I feel and those feelings don't seem to have the hold over me that they used to have. I'm going through a bit of a flatline at the moment and I know that it will pass. That's the best feeling, not panicking when new emotions or feelings arise.

    One of the things I love about rebooting is that I seem to find things much funnier. Like I laugh a lot harder at things, even dumb stuff. It feels like my emotions are coming back online. Also much less playing through scenarios in my head and having conversations with myself. If there's something I need to do... I do it.

    I'm still getting hit by waves of doubt, but I know how to ride them out. Also my dreams are rather vividly sexual and I'm getting morning wood. But I feel more alive when I'm awake. Sometimes we have to make mistakes (relapse) so that we know the path we are about to walk.

    Hope everyone is well. Not sure if anyone is still reading my journal, if you are, would love to hear from you.

    Peace and Love.

  20. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 19

    Strangely calm today. Have stepped up my meditation and things feel very different this time around. Admittedly I'm in a much better place than I was a year ago, but feeling much stronger. Urges do come and go, but they are pale ghosts compared to what they used to be.

    Don't wanna get cocky. Beautiful day outside, just got back from a short walk.


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