Free from Suffering

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Professor Chaos, Nov 11, 2012.

  1. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    Exactly this^

  2. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Thank you both for the support and wise words. Honoured to have to members of the VIP crew posting in my thread.

    No real cravings today. It's harder to get out of bed in the morning. But that's partly cause I'm enjoying the buzzing in my brain. It's like I have all this extra energy bouncing around inside my head. I've not been feeling very sexual at all, I'm noticing and enjoying women and I'm laughing pretty heartily at things people are saying. It's kinda like the 'contrast' on my life has been turned up. Everything's a bit more vivid. Like my emotions are a bit more extreme, when I'm happy, I'm very happy. When I'm sad, I'm just low. But it's not like a sort of 'buzzed' rush that I've had in the past.

    I'm also noticing I'm much kinder to myself when I make mistakes. Not beating myself up when I stuff up a step in Swing class. Progress, progress is a battle fought in increments. Stay strong everyone and stay P Free.

  3. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 34.

    My mood is all over the place. I'm happy one minute and moody the next, I feel like shit. Empty, like there is a hole in my chest. I couldn't figure out why I was so tired last night. All I wanted to do was sleep. My diet has gone to shit and I think I've put on weight. I have little to no motivation to go to the gym and stretching and exercise still seem to spark minor panic attacks. I can feel the old rationalizations kicking in. Almost all my friends are in relationships, yet I remain single. Feeling lonely.

    Last night I dreamed in black and white. I had collected all this printed P and had it stacked up in the wardrobe, (like I did when I was a kid) I wanted to read it. But I fought that desire and it did not have complete hold over me.

    I have very little libido at the moment. Just flashes of lust. The strange thing is that I have these flashes of desire, words or sentences, but they have nothing to connect with. Like I think of something that used to arouse me and there is no movement down bellow. There's not even a connection.

    I'm contemplating doing some yoga today, but last time I went to the class I had to walk out. I had a panic attack and I just left. All this rage and anger came up and overwhelmed me. I know the only way to battle my demons is to face them, so I'm prepared to have another crack.

    I'm super bored at work at the moment. I know I should feel grateful that I have a job, but right now I just feel trapped and restless.

    I think I'm still going through withdrawal and I'm approaching what would be the longest I have gone without P (around 38 days) Just gotta make it through the weekend. Stay strong brothers.

  4. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    What are the sources of this anger? These panic attacks, these negative things etc?

    I would bet that whatever is the root cause of these is also the cause of what made you PMO. Search for the source and heal it.

    Just recently, BanquosGhost posted in my journal remembering that it was indeed a fight before, and that approach did not work. I reached where I am now, because I no longer fight, I just try my best to focus on what I need to do for myself. Whether it be school, work, gym, doesn't matter. Fighting urges only gives them presence in your mind. Letting go is easier than fighting, and being engaged in the things in life that both solve the root cause of negativity as well as rewarding tasks will keep you not only distracted, but too happy to even consider being upset or PMO.

    Try to list out the things that have caused this negativity, and write an action plan for what you are going to do with it. How will you approach it? What will it mean to you to be able to express it to others? Expressing emotions to another and having them help you/comfort you is a powerful thing, much more powerful than any vice.

    Remember what Bruce Lee said, flow like water my friend. It has no need to fight, it shapes to anything, and can adapt to any temperature and return safely. Water is powerful not through brute force and hard-headedness, but through finesse and grace. Find that finesse, that grace, fighting urges head on is harder than simply going around them.

    Best of luck PC. Hope to hear from you soon.
  5. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Thank you for your post Jp91.

    I think there is a strong framework as men to view ourselves as warriors, fighters, battlers and soldiers. It has been our identity for such a long period of time. Trying to fight your way through any addiction is like trashing around when you are drowning or caught in a rip. All it does is burn energy and leave you exhausted (to extend your Bruce Lee water simile). It also puts you in more danger. Rather it is better to conserve your energy for the campaign ahead. Relax and go with the flow and then when you can, swim to safety.

    I have some pretty good ideas what's buried down there in the dark and this has been part of an on going journey towards leading a more spiritually rewarding life. I was having a long in depth conversation with a female friend last night and she brought up the topic of porn and I mentioned YBOP for her to check out.

    For me P has been a monkey on my back for more years than I can remember. I cannot recall a single personal project where I didn't pause at some point to have a P binge. I finished a meditation course at the beginning of last year and one of the statements drummed into us was the idea of being 'free from suffering' and 'free from bondage', hence the title of my journal. I never thought I could be free of those things, or realize it was a problem and it wasn't until a meditation website posted a link to YBOP that I realized I needed to address this. The urge to M had been so strong that I'd stopped mid-meditation to look at P.

    But you asked me how I intend to express myself to others. Well I'm an artist and a storyteller, fortunate enough to be a professional in both areas. What I have been noticing is that being free from P (for the meantime) gives me energy to work on my own stuff. The dark patches I've been feeling are almost like demons being exercised. Dark parts of me thrashing around before they are cast out. Each time, they are getting weaker and I am getting stronger, healthier and more able to focus.

    Posting and writing my thoughts here is a powerful and helpful tool and I will continue to do so for the rest of the month. I hope that answers your question. Thoughts?

  6. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    Not bad. But expressing your feelings over art or the internet doesn't measure up to overt expression to another person.

    Tsmith once said that he grew as a person because when he had to talk to people in real life about his addiction, and do so overtly, he was no longer hiding behind the shield of anonymity, Tsmith was no longer the addict, he was the addict.

    Try to find someone in real life to help you. And if need be seek professional help for the deeper negative feelings and trouble.
  7. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Hey dude,

    Yeah, there are members of my family and friends that I am close to that know about my addiction. But I think I may still have some work to do on myself and that may involve seeing someone here in Sydney. When you dig down, you get dirty.

  8. hotspur

    hotspur New Member

    Hi PC, just wanted to check in with you and I was pleased to read your at around a month porn free - well done... and you are doing all the right thing, filling up the time with new activities. I personally could not tell anyone...hence how important this forum was to me, I suppose we all have to find our own way... keep going!
  9. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Hi Hotspur,

    Thanks for touching base. Yeah, still going strong. Overall I'm noticing an improvement in my overall headspace, but it's still pretty shaky. I don't feel lust so much at the moment, but rather a strong desire for companionship. I have someone I was seeing in NZ stopping over for a week at the beginning of next month. Looking forward to catching up with her.

    Also, I'm about to boldly go, the longest period I've been P-free is about 38 days. Of into uncharted territory.

    Stay strong brothers in arms.

  10. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 39

    Urges strong today. Seem to be coming at me in waves. Just need to stay calm and keep cool. I think this is the longest I've gone without PMO. entering into uncharted territory. Hopefully the start of something brave and new.

    Got an email from my old therapist checking up on me. She's also going to enroll me for an online course to help me further. I am really lucky with the support I have received. Now if I can just get my diet and my fitness sorted, I'll be feeling a lot better about my progress.

    Heading into the weekend now and I much confess I'm a little worried. It can be a dangerous time and a powerful trigger for me.

    Hope you are all doing well. Strong feeling of 'craving' but not even sure what for.

  11. FindingSanctuary

    FindingSanctuary One foot before the other.

    Kudos to you, PC, for coming back here, and coming so strong. You're an inspiration to me.
  12. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Thanks FindingSanctuary,

    That means a lot to me. I read about your recent relapse. Don't view this site as an extension of your addiction, but rather part of the cure. Think of it like this, in the same way smokers chew gum rather than smoke, you are going to YBR to relieve that 'itch' in a more positive way.

    Day 40

    Today I feel like crap. Was out Swing dancing with some great people and having a blast. Went out for ice cream after with some of the guys and gals, and then onto Karaoke. I came home at 2am buzzing only to discover one of my room-mates (They youngest one) was having a party. I waved and went to bed. The lounge was full of people, the house smelt like booze and smoke. By 3am they were still partying, loud music and singing into the night. I went down and politely asked him to turn it down. When the noise had escalated at around 4am, I went down and lost my shit.

    I hate losing my cool, and not being able to sleep is a huge trigger for me. I had ear plugs in to no avail and of course after a confrontation you are not going back to sleep. This morning I'm feeling tired and isolated. Looking for new flats to stay in or considering setting one up myself. Not interested in this bullshit and I will talk to the head tenant when I see him.

    Being told "You're the only one who had a problem" and "Well you don't have to work tomorrow" as excuses is enough to really set me off. The reason I'm mentioning all this is because it really makes me want to PMO. Like my stress levels have just shot through the roof and I can feel it in my body. How angry I am and how I want to vent online or drown in a PMO session. I'm angry and I'm stressed. But I need to vent. Also I can tell with only about 4 - 5 hours sleep it's not going to be an easy day.

    Need to get out and find some other options. Maybe I'll try and track down a local library and do some writing.


    Bezoechow likes this.
  13. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    Damn PC, I hope things turn out for the better with the new place, that kid sounds like an immature asshole, counterarguments like that are for ignorant solipsistic people.

    Well, the library sounds good, honestly I am an advocate for anything except PMO and other substance abuse. If it isn't something really damaging or a substance that gets you completely addicted, go ahead and do it. Games, writing, reading, running, doesn't matter, go for it.

    Just next time around my advice is to simply walk away and tell the person they're dumb, saves you the headache and you don't have to dwell on it. Plus it saves you from having to feel as stressed the next day.

    I hope you have a good one PC, we know you need it.
  14. FindingSanctuary

    FindingSanctuary One foot before the other.

    It sounds to me that you're grown in seeing through the urge to self-medicate. Process. Growth.

    Sorry about the mess in your apartment. Living together is quite the challenge at times. Yet, it also provides opportunity to grow and mature. And to say bull shit and knowing that you won't be reduced to that for the rest of your life.
  15. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 43.

    Thanks guys,

    Sorry to see you had a relapse FindingSanctuary. Glad to see you back on track. Well emotions are still a bit all over the place. Not sure what that means. I've noticed I've taken greater pleasure in stuff in general and I've started bumping into friends on the street and hanging out. That wouldn't be happening if I was at home fapping. Still anxious about stuff although the situation at my flat has resolved itself.

    Just a quick update. Will write more soon. And thanks again for your support.

  16. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 45.

    It's been a bumpy couple of days. P thoughts and fetish fantasies are back with avengeance. So too seems to be my depression and anxiety. I've started an online course of treatment and I think it's helping. Trying to cut down on the amount of sugar I've been eating. I seem to have developed a much stronger need to eat fatty foods. I have heard it said that a lot addicts put on weight while trying to kick a habit.

    Important to stay healthy. Today has been more productive and I'm feeling stronger at the end of the day, but more challenged early in the morning. I'm having a difficult time getting out of bed to face the day, let alone getting any exercises however I am managing to:

    a) Make it to Swing Dance Classes and have started making some good friends.
    b) Regular Life Drawing and Sketching.
    c) Started Painting again with Acrylics.
    d) Getting out of the house and going for walks.

    I want to add in 'reading' as well. Also I have a bunch of tax stuff to sort out as well. I do have a lovely girl that I was seeing in NZ who is coming over to stay with me for a week. I'm really looking forward to seeing her, but I'm not sure how and where my libido is at. She knows I've been struggling with depression (since I started to kick P back in November last year) but doesn't know that it's linked to this.

    I really felt like I was going to cave today. Especially in the late afternoon. My mind was a mess, but I managed to ride out the cravings and after getting back to work they settled down.

    2 Days to Go to beat May Madness.

    Onwards and upwards

  17. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 48.

    Just came dangerously close to PMO. Started with looking at some images, then a google image search, then a deviant art page, scrolling through a few images (not porn, but a fetish of mine) and feeling my heart race. Stopped myself and closed the browser. I'm procrastinating from doing work and I know what I need to do. Can't fall into a P binge. I have someone coming to stay with me tonight and I almost choked at the finish line.

    But I'm back. I guess it's a testament to how much weaker the hold is over me. Hopefully I can stay strong.

    Peace out brothers.

  18. FindingSanctuary

    FindingSanctuary One foot before the other.

    There are difficult days and easier ones. Both can be grace.
    I enjoy your writing and witness your progress. It's a pilgrimage.
    Peace in and peace out.
  19. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 53

    Thanks FindingSanctuary. Glad you could join me for the ride. I've had an old girlfriend staying with me for this past week. It's been great having some company, but she has been witness to a few of my more withdrawn moments. We had sex when she first got here, but not since. I think my libido is still pretty low. Have odd urges to PMO that come and go. They are sometimes followed by some powerful rationalizations, but once they past, they are gone.

    Still feeling pretty tired all the time, but I know I'm in this for the long haul. Hope everyone else is doing well.

  20. Weeds in the Garden

    Weeds in the Garden Deleted 18 GB of jpgs

    Professor - I only have had time to read the last few posts in your journal, and I want to catch up with the rest later. One comment - a therapist of mine said that he counsels people who are stopping smoking, and that he tells them to fill the freezer with ice cream and to give them permission to eat it. Stopping an addictive behavior is hard, and it's important to reward ourselves with something.

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