Free from Suffering

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Professor Chaos, Nov 11, 2012.

  1. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 11.

    Today is ANZAC in New Zealand and Australia, the day we remember those that died in the First and Second World War. Some minor twinges today. Nothing major, but my thoughts have been, straying. I'm finding it a lot easy to get my mind back on track. Had a great picnic in a park with some friends today. It's good to get outside.

    I approached a girl in the park today. Beautiful Red-head. I used to practice Pick Up very regularly. I came up in LA and met most of the major players in the 'scene' and characters from 'The Game'. Had a number of 'lays' under my belt.

    Today I just go in super relaxed and super direct. She had a boyfriend but was extremely flattered. If she wasn't taken, she'd have been down. Put me in a good mood. Forgotten how good it felt to have balls and be straight forward. Need to get out more.

    Hope everyone else doing well.

    PC.
     
  2. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    No real cravings today, but still not feeling mentally together as I would have liked. I had a panic attack in Yoga again. This was one of the symtoms of my slip into depression last time. But I think I bounced back pretty fast and am making sure to keep myself busy. Hope you are all well.

    Hey Skytree.

    Let's do this! 8)

    PC.
     
  3. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 14

    Strange dreams last night about a house breaking up and sliding down a hill, everyone jumping for safety. A P Star that I know of telling me not to look at her work and real trouble waking up with morning. I just finished some relaxed morning yoga. I'm finding when I go to a full yoga class I start having panic attacks. Feeling really moody at the moment. Cranky and a bit irritable. I can feel my mind craving a fix.

    In the interests of full disclosure. I went on a Alt personals site last night. Guess I was looking for someone in my area to engage in some kinky fun. Website was very tame and there were some explicit pictures on there, but nothing that triggered me. I think I was looking for a thrill, ultimately a waste of time (and money, paid $20 for a months membership) Still, some clever rationalizing on my brains part. No urge MO or even barely any arousal.

    There's an urge to want to numb my feelings with P, but I'm not giving in.

    PC.
     
  4. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 15.

    First day of some full on major cravings. Hit a depression wall after doing some yoga in my room. Couldn't make it to the gym. Barely made it to work. However once I was out of the house I felt more in control. Interacting with people help. There was a spike in my porn craving around midday. I could feel it. Fantasy's playing out in my mind. A deep abiding hunger. I could feel the pressure building up and my will being tested. It's great that I'm back working again, surrounded by an amazing team. That helps me through the day. Was watching Russell Brand interviews earlier and thinking about his path to recovery and around getting over addiction. I'm sleeping very deeply at the moment. Getting tired very early while my brain re-calibrates itself.

    PC.
     
  5. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 16.

    Doing these daily journals really helps. Gives me an awesome sense of time and scale. To see how far I've come. Today I struggled to get out of bed this morning. Didn't even make it to the gym. I think this reboot is taking so much of my mental stamina I don't seem to have any left for working out and getting fit. Seems as soon as I start to do any exercise and push myself, I have a panic attack and my anxiety shoots through the roof. This never used to happen, but it seems to be part of the re-booting process for my brain.

    Today I felt very little to almost no urges, once I'd made it out of the house and started to walk to work. I suspect I'm going through another flatline, where my libido just drops off the map. Sucks. But I can feel myself getting a handle on this. Some minor headache, but overall I feel good. Am feeling very tired by the end of the day.

    I'd really like to get back into a regular fitness routine, but like I said as soon as I push myself, my mind just shuts me down. It's almost like a protection mechanism.

    So far so good.

    PC.
     
  6. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Thank you brother Sky_tree. I think we will make it there and beyond. I'm noticing a different flavour to my depression this time around. It's no where near as intense or scary. I think it's because I know what to expect. Still struggling to get up in the morning, but I'm also reconnecting with things I like doing. Brought a copy of Skyrim the other day. I'm way behind in gaming, but I think it would be a fun thing to come home to and enjoy. Also really enjoying drawing again and getting back into sketching.

    I think trying to fight this by myself when I was alone and unemployed was pretty hard. Having a job to go to and more people that care about me around me helps beat back the blues. The cravings are there, but not as strong. Addiction and withdrawal both suck hard. I think everyone who is here, still struggling through this, is fighting the good fight. We're fighting to become better men, better lovers and better people. Let's stay the course.

    PC.
     
  7. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 19

    Beautiful day outside again. About to go out to lunch and then head off to life drawing classes. Looking forward to getting my draw on. Overall feeling pretty good. Panic attacks and heavy breathing are less frequent. Feeling strong and focused. Noticing things a bit more, taking more interest in my surroundings. The key is to stay active and have things to do away from the computer. Get outside and start living. Was re-reading some posts from some of the guys who've gone for over a year without PMO. Impressed by their resolve and commitment. It's not easy, but it's worth doing. Some urges, but nothing strong enough to cause me to get close to the edge. Old echos of old thoughts. They are getting weaker, kinda like a photograph fading out.

    Right off to start the day.

    PC.
     
  8. Shampal

    Shampal Member

    Happy to see that you are making progress :)
     
  9. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Thanks guys.

    Weekends are always dangerous. Sunday was tough. I can feel how sluggish I was and how the urge to indulge builds. It was a beautiful Autumn day. I forced myself to go outside and go for a walk. Good thing I did as I wandered into a local bookstore and flirted with the two gorgeous girls that worked there. One looked like and older Chloe Grace Moretz and the other a younger Miranda Kerr. They were both very sweet and were in their final year of an English degree. Real women are awesome.

    I used to be a monster at picking up girls, but I'm taking a break from doing that while I reboot. I came home though with a monster head ache. It combined with a panic attack and I curled up into a little ball and felt physically ill. For no discernible reason. Slept deeply and when I woke a couple of hours later I felt better both emotionally and physically. Not sure if it is recovery related.

    I feel good tonight though. Stable and balanced. I had a long talk to my brother about everything last night. Hard to put into words what we are going through, but he related it to his quitting smoking and how and why that happened. We had a really good chat, I know I am super lucky to have family I can rely on.

    Hope everyone else is making it through the weekend clean and free. Know that if you are feeling the tremors of desire, that it's sooo much better to be sitting here writing this, than telling everyone that I had a relapse.

    Peace to you all.

    PC.
     
  10. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 22.

    Got up early this morning. Meditated, did my Yoga, Went to the gym and lifted weights. Work was good, Although we are about to go through a major upheaval. Swing dancing tonight was fun. Practicing the Lindy Hop. Overall a really good day. Little to no thought of PMO. Not sure if going through a bit of a flatline at the moment. Popped into the Buddhist Bookstore on my lunchbreak. Some interesting texts there and worth reading. Will have to head back there again.

    Just checking in. How is everyone else doing, those of you kind enough to be following my thread?

    PC.
     
  11. Shampal

    Shampal Member

    Happy to see that you had a great and productive day. Life is more fun without P isn't it? :)
     
  12. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 25

    At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet and freight train running through the middle of my head...
    - Bruce Springstein.


    Although my days have been calm and event free, my nights have been having more and more vivid dreams. The meditation is helping a great deal. It helps to settle the chatter and noise in my head and my days are kept busy by my job.

    Yesterday I had a very powerful dream where a friend had accused me of rape. I was so outraged that I actually woke up, then when I went back to sleep, the trial continued. It felt very real.

    Last night I had the most vivid dream that in my sleep I had relapsed and some how managed to get to my computer and download all this crazy vivid P. It was on my desktop, on my browser, my wallpaper. Every time I tried to close a window another one would pop up under it. It was like my laptop was infected with a virus that I couldn't shut down. I almost had a dream within a dream, where I dreamed I'd woken up and I was trying to figure out, how I'd managed to do this in my sleep. I was relieved to wake up and see that this had not happened.

    Instead of sleep walking, I was sleep wanking (to P) LOL :D

    My subconscious must be finally getting the message. Either that or I'm coming out of my flatline and the battle is getting started. Well I'm ready for it this time. My armour is strong and my will is good.

    Peace my fellow Fapfree-onauts.

    PC.
     
  13. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 26

    Didn't make it to the gym, didn't get any yoga done, didn't meditate this morning. Sure enough, panic attack and fighting to get out of bed. Thoughts of P have been creeping back in from the sidelines and I can feel old patterns playing out. Hunger and sexual frustration haunt my dreams at the moment. I go out to bars, but as I no longer drink, I don't see the point in me being there. Just restless I guess. Looking for something I can't find, I hit or a rush. I keep looking at all the girls around, but I seem to have misplaced my guts and my balls. Feeling very lonely and bored. I guess writing thing I can see the pattern of how when I don't stick to my schedule or I pussy out of doing something, I just slide down worse than I was before. Work has been slow this week, which means I'm dragging out what I'm working on until this production sorts itself out. So much of film-making is actually just sitting around and waiting. Gotta go and have a self pity weep. sigh. :'(

    PC.
     
  14. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 27

    Yesterday went really well actually. It reminded me of this old Buddhist Story. We never really know how things are going to play out. :)

    MAYBE

    There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically. "May be," the farmer replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. "How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed. "May be," replied the old man. The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. "May be," answered the farmer. The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. "May be," said the farmer.
     
  15. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 28

    Weekends are tough. I'm sitting here at my laptop wanting to feel something. Anything. Depressed when I woke up this morning. Big Swing dance event I went to last night. Lots of girls wanting to dance with me, but I'm still a total newbie. Still getting back into the swing of things.

    Emotions feel a lot more raw. If I end up blowing out before my 30 days it's because I'm tired of feeling numb. But I know from experience, P won't make me happy, it will just make me feel worse. I say these, because I can se myself descending into a P fueled binge. I'm in danger of that happening and I can feel old familiar triggers haunting me.

    The strange thing is that I have almost NO libido at the moment. Sex feels very far from my mind, but I do want love. I do want companionship. I feel starved of those things more than anything else. Every girl I met at the moment that I hit it off with turns out to be in a relationship. Seems everyone has coupled up in this town.

    But I feel more present, more here. Also my diet has gone to shit and I'm eating crap a lot. Comfort food mostly. I know this habbit, it's a nasty one. Starting to not look after myself or feel that I'm not worth taking care of. Super low self worth creeping back in there. Also not exercising or meditating. Starting strong and then falling off the wagon. THEN beating myself up for it. Gotta be a bit kinda, gotta so myself some love. Gotta get out of the house and away from this laptop.

    My thinking is so fractured, like I have a hundred tabs open on my web-browser and I'm constantly looking for something, anything to make me feel.

    I need out. Breakfast, then going for a walk.

    PC.
     
  16. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 29

    Feeling low today. Lower when I looked up a bunch of threads that I follow to see that a lot of people had relapsed in the last 24 hours. I wonder if this thing is seasonal. Girls have a menstral cycle, I wonder if men have a sexual cycle that matches that some how. ie we are horner in the middle of month, because that is when they are more likely to be ovulating.

    Psdo-Science aside. I feel low today. It's coming in waves. I spoke to a girl I was seeing in NZ. I think she is in love with me. Very supportive, but when I'm feeling depressed, I don't feel worthy of that love. She thinks I should get some help over here. I'm definitely more isolated in Sydney than I am back home. Don't have the same resources. But here I have a job and things to do.

    She thinks I'm just distracting myself by getting out of the house, but it beats wallowing in my own filth. The desire to look at P is very weak, but it's been replaced by this emptiness which almost feels worse.

    gotta move my arse into the shower, get ready for work. I hope I'm not still like this at 60 days, or 90 or 120....

    PC
     
  17. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    It slowly gets better over time. It is like losing weight, at first you don't think it is working that well, then a year down the line you look back and go, "Oh, well shit, it did work," just be patient and work on the things that matter.

    By the way, can I just say your name and avatar are fucking awesome? Lol
     
  18. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Hey man,

    Thanks for the props and for the encouragement. Battling in a degree of increments.

    Speaking of Butter's this speech by him sums up how I'm feeling. (if you swap the Goth kids for spending time with P)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KisW_pL6aMM

    I'd rather be a crying little pussy, than a faggy goth kid. :)

    PC.
     
  19. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 30.

    So for the third time, I've made it to 30 days without PMO. It gets a little easier each time, for those of you who might have reset recently know that with each attempt you chip away more and more of your dependence on P as a source of pleasure and an anti-depressant.

    I've set my counter for 47 Days, which takes me to the end of the month as I'm part of May Madness. Urges have been strangely strong today. Coming in short waves. More than anything it's a desire to 'feel good' as opposed to a desire for 'P'. I feel a bit like I'm living the life of a monk at the moment. Trying to hard to be perfect, but I think I'm just trying to live the life of a good person. A moral man. To me the spiritual journey I am on is about making myself better.

    I feel like there is poison in my mind and that this P-free lifestyle is giving my brain time to heal. I think my record is about 37 days. So I am to best that. I think it's far more likely given that I am employed full-time and am keeping myself busy.

    PC.
     
  20. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Break your record and push on man. Once you beat that 1-2 month barrier it gets easier and becomes habit forming.
     

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