Free from Suffering

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Professor Chaos, Nov 11, 2012.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    PC, sorry to see you had a relapse after being clean for such a long period. Do you know what happened? Was it just the opportunity because your wife and daughter were away or was there any stress or something involved? I relapsed last year after a long streak and haven't really been able to pick myself up from that. It is something I still don't understand well. I was so sure that I wouldn't go back to porn . . . . .
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  2. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 30

    Today marks 30 days. That kinda crept up on me. Cold and wet and horrible here at the moment but I am warm and toasty inside. Last couple of days have been pretty calm. The storms have past for the meantime. I just have to keep hanging in there. Still in lockdown which is eating away at my mental state. Doing the best I can to stay connected to friends and family. The best thing is that I get a front row seat to watching my daughter grow and develop. Lucky me. Hope everyone else out there makes it through any storm they are trying to get through.

  3. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Hi Gil. Good to hear from you mate! Sorry to hear you’ve been sliding back as well. It’s a process. I haven’t dug too much into why I think I had a relapse. Usually it’s over confidence. That and being back in front of a computer on my own all day. I think I had a lapse that I refused to admit was a relapse and then after that it just snowballed and threaten to over take my life again. It’s humbling. But I think we can’t be too hard on ourselves. We are men who are trying to do the best for the others in our lives. We are trying to do the best for ourselves. So from that point of view. I say we have already won. You’ve done this before, you can do it again. We got this.

  4. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 37

    Urges very strong this morning, but eased off later in the day. Did some yoga this morning and that helps me relax. I seem to be extra stressed at the moment as I’ve started clenching my jaw over night which has resulted in some discomfort eating. Saw my dentist today and got a mouth scan done so I could get a mouth guard. Trying to relax a bit more before bed. Signed up for a one month yoga challenge. Did it last year and it felt really good. Also got the treadmill set up in the garage which is great. Getting a chance to claw back some fitness after almost eight weeks in lock down.

    My favourite new tool is distraction free Youtube. I must express my gratitude for the suggestion. It’s amazing how often I want the algorithm to suggest content to me. How passive I am in my viewing habits. I think that’s why you have to be careful of apps like Pinterest and YouTube. Their job is to keep your eyeballs on them for as long as possible. They also know what you search for when you are edging towards a relapse. They have no problem pushing you over the edge if it gets to hold your attention captive.

    Be wary of the algorithm on search sites and know when you are flirting with danger.

  5. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Keep up the great streak PC!
    -Luke- and Professor Chaos like this.
  6. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 43

    Feeling a little triggered, as the kids say. Just started down a path of googling some gifs that are edging towards being inappropriate. I think I’m feeling a bit restless a bit stressed and a bit bored. That’s a dangerous combo and a cocktail that leads to more relapses. Need to be on my guard.

    Step one: relax
    Step two: get away from the computer.
    Step three: post about it here and remind myself why I’m doing this.

    Hope you guys are all ok. Right now I’m at a yellow alert level. Hopefully back to green by this afternoon.

  7. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Yep. We've all learned the hard way: 99.9% of the time compromise ends in bigger compromise, which ends in disaster.

    Congrats on your impressive streak!
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  8. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Hi Cleanbootsbaby.

    Thanks for stopping by. Still in the game.

    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  9. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Excellent news, anyone with a bigger count than me (heck - anyone doing the proper work) is an inspiration to me. You're killing it, man.
  10. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 46

    Today was hard. Got dangerously close to a relapse. I could feel it coming. Lots of mood swings and feeling extremely restless. Pent up energy with no where to go. Did some yoga first thing and that helped a bit.

    Had lots of work to do, but kept peeking at my damn phone. Started looking for increasingly more risqué gifs. Finally did an image search on google and felt my heart rate start to race, so I stopped.

    I downed tools.

    My steps for avoiding a relapse are as follows.

    1. I am not in control. If I notice one coming, that’s the big one. Stop and walk away. Don’t come back to your workstation, phone, ipad, laptop or other device. Log off, walk it off if you have to. You are not in control and cannot be trusted. I will set myself a limit of an hour at least. A tiny voice will complain that you have work to do. Ignore it. You’ll get a lot less done if you relapse.

    2. Do something with the energy. I mopped the floors and then went and mowed the lawn. Exercise, walk away, clean, wash, scrub or fold. Get away from the screens. You’ll see flashes of images while you are doing this. But stick with it. Nothing digital for a whole hour until I’ve sobered up. Attack those chores that need doing.

    3. Dress appropriately this is somewhat embarrassing to admit but I’ve stopped wearing baggy track pants or shorts. Tight jeans or pants. Make it hard to get to your junk. Make it harder to get to. Keep that belt on. The harder you make it, the less hard it will be.

    I was able to return to work once I’d calmed down. I had a productive afternoon. It’s important for me not to lie to myself and pretend I’m in control. Still at risk tonight. So I’m staying alert and posting here. It always helps crystallize what’s been going on.

  11. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Amazing job PC! Keep it up man :D always cheering for you
  12. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Great steps for avoiding a relapse. I love your use the phrase "sobered up" when talking about stepping away from screens at risky times. Great stuff. Best,
    Old Tom
  13. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I always like your proactive approach, PC. No waiting until the damage is done, but rather acting before the damage begins. Nice work!
  14. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

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  15. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 52.

    “Relax man. Just relax. It’s gonna be ok. Just do your job and move on. Relax, you don’t need that shit..”

    current self talk.

  16. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 59

    Lots of little niggles today. Rattling the cage has to stop. Overall been doing very well but the last couple of hours I’ve been feeling restless and a couple of strong urges made themselves known. Taking a break and going to do some Yoga. Hopefully that will help me relax a bit.

    Shady likes this.
  17. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Keep holding on, bro!

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